Parents DD being exposed to inappropriate things at the gym. What to do?

[gymmomtotwo]

Just looking for some input. DD is 8, won't be 9 until late summer. She is in a group where the average age is 10/11. I am a pretty restrictive parent when it comes to media exposure. My kids don't have unlimited access to the internet, no facebook pages etc. I am sure as they enter their high school years, I will have to relent on some of this, but an 8 year old...............Anyway, some girls have phones at the gym, and during breaks they will watch music videos. She was shown the video Wrecking Ball by one of her 11 year old teammates. may be I am just dreaming, but I think I should be able to have expectations that when I send my 8 year old to the gym for gymnastics that she is not going to be exposed to basically anything on the internet. The 11 year old is a nice kid, but would I be out of line asking that no phones be out or internet browsing during snack break? The music at the gym can be inappropriate, but DD doesn't get the lyrics. A video is in your face inappropriate content. What is the rule at your gym?

 

[wallinbl]

I am sure as they enter their high school years, I will have to relent on some of this

DD is 11 and started middle school (grades 6-8 here) this year. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this has brought out every sort of inappropriate thing you can imagine, and the school is highly rated and in a nice area. It has been a complete shock transitioning from elementary school, where the worst things you heard about were fart jokes.

I say that to say that I completely understand your frustration, as my kids are (or were) exposed to far less than most kids, and I had every hope of introducing all of that slowly. But, we've come to the more realistic realization that it's all out there, they're going to come across it, and we just have to help them understand it, which involves a lot of discussions about the value of modesty and that the attention one gets from immodest behavior may be temporarily gratifying but is ultimately detrimental. It can be difficult because the concepts can be abstract and also because we don't want to disparage other kids or families, but we do want to teach them how to guard and protect their modesty until they're mature enough to fully understand the consequences of giving it up.

 

[bogwoppit]

I am thinking that once your child is allowed to be away from you for group activities this is going to be something you have to deal with. Time to talk to her about media in all it's forms. Education in that needs to start way before they are allowed on it.

You will not be able to ask the gym to ban phones during snack time, they will refuse and it would cause backlash.

In the end your dd is going to be exposed to the horrors of Miley, so good to prepare her for the world.

My kids were also in mixed age training groups, 7 year olds with 15 year olds. They learned some stuff, good and bad. They also were on the school bus with 18 year olds from age 7, they learned some really crazy stuff from that. I just used it as a conversation starter "so what crazy stuff did you hear on the bus/at gym today??".

I do not talk to my kids about "modesty" when it comes to dressing, I just tell them that hooker wear is not appropriate for anyone but hookers.

 

[gymmomtotwo]

I have my answer then. Not much i can do. Sad really and frustrating. I have a 12 Year old, and have these discussions all the time. She has an ipod etc, but no social media yet. My 11 Year old and her friends are just starting with it. They know not to show videos of naked people humping things to younger children. Unfortunately others apparently don't teach their children these thing.

 

[Judybird]

Maybe you are upset because this type of exposure happened at gym. As the parents paying the bill, we tend to expect that there will be only training and gym related chatter among the girls during practice. But the girls get close, form friendships, and therefore do things that all girls do: talk and share things they find interesting. If you are quite upset, ask the coach if she can talk about basic cell phone usage expectations. "Yes you may text on break and post pics to Instagram. No, you may not watch YouTube videos of scantily clad singers."

With that having been said, there is NO WAY you can prevent her from seeing and hearing inappropriate images and terms for very long. You can't pass a billboard, listen to a radio station, or visit a museum without seeing such. Rather than spend lots of energy shielding her from it, use that energy to educate her about morals, modesty, and the power and influence she gains by staying above all that trash. I know you already do that. I'm just saying it is more fruitful to focus on that than shielding. Good luck!

 

[profmom]

We've been around this mulberry bush some regarding my major issue, which is violence. My kids understand that I will never purchase or authorize the purchase of violent videogames, and that I disapprove quite a lot of their playing them. That being said, I can't control what happens outside of my house, and I wouldn't attempt it, as I understand that my values are not shared by all parents.

I was really shocked when I found out my then-13-year-old nephew owned Call of Duty, which provoked a long conversation with my son about why these games are not appropriate and the kinds of messages about the value of human life they impress in his unconscious mind. That being said, my oldest is now 16 and I can't control what he does with his friends -- but he often is the one to suggest a different game in social contexts because he has the knowledge and arguments to do so.

For the sex stuff, I talk to my kids about power and respect and, in ways that they can understand, patriarchy. I want them to grow up to be adults who cherish egalitarian and loving sexual relationships, and, at the appropriate level of detail with each based on age, we talk about what that means.

I firmly believe that knowledge is the best defense.

 

[3gymgirlsmom]

You could talk to the coaches to watch it a bit , but I hate to say it's hard for them to be police about it. But it cannot hurt to mention it , maybe they can keep an eye on thugs and stop it if it gets in appropriate , plus parents have diff levels of what they think is bad and such.
While I do keep this to G rated for my 6 yr old and the gym we go to is pretty of about it and the older kids are too ( mind you 2 of the 5 older kids are mine and there friends and know what is not good for the younger and seem really good about watching out for them ) the coaches will tell them they need to tone down if need be.

 

[kayjaybe]

IF you did anything, it might be more general - asking the coaches if they can talk to the girls and remind them there are a lot of different ages in the group. There is a BIG difference between 8 and 12 with this stuff. But because your 8 yo practices with these girls, they probably see her as a peer and they forget how much younger she is.

That said, I don't think you can expect the gym to ban cell phone use....or even certain kinds of cell phone use....or to try to police it at all.

My dd used to be 9-10 in a group that was mostly her age but had a few 13-15 yos, too. I know she was exposed to some things earlier than I may have liked....and I don't even know everything she was exposed to.

I can only hope that the values dh & I have taught her will carry through as she is faced with things from other people.

 

[Canadian_gym_mom]

I have my answer then. Not much i can do. Sad really and frustrating. I have a 12 Year old, and have these discussions all the time.

You said it right there. There is a lot you can do. Talk about this stuff with your dd. ask her about what she saw, how it makes her feel. Give her suggestions about how to distance herself from anything that makes her feel uncomfortable.

I am sure by this age she knows what is appropriate, inappropriate, etc. about body parts, touching, etc. empower her to use her own sense of right and wrong to gauge the situations.

She is going to be exposed to alcohol, drugs, smoking, etc. long before you are going to allow it or it will be appropriate. She needs to know how to handle those situations, what to do, what to say and if and who to tell.

This is a great time to start this dialogue with her.

 

[Honey]

At DD's gym there is a no cell phone policy. During training, phones are in their lockers and if they need to call or text someone during break they have to clear it with the coach first. Having said that, the girls often have their phones/iPads out before training "officially" begins. So even with restrictions, you can't avoid it entirely (in or out of the gym).

Lots of good advice here already about talking to your kids and educating them on the Internet and social media. But it sounds like you are doing a pretty good job with this already.

 

[MILgymFAM]

I am surprised they are allowed to use electronics in the gym- in our experience that's a solid no-no. That being said, I agree with the others. My DDs have been fairly sheltered by me and now at 13 my ODD feels she is constantly fighting her peers about not doing/saying inappropriate things. We are also in a nice area with well rated svhools, and she has asked to be home schooled because other kids are so "gross". There is no shield from reality as they grow up, unfortunately.

 

[raenndrops]

So, my YG is 10... but she has older sisters (OG is 13 and the oldest sister is 18)... and YG has picked up on a LOT from her siblings.... and they have also spread SOME of this knowledge to their 8 yo Stepsis.
YG and OG know what is APPROPRIATE and INAPPROPRIATE... and we have had talks about it and they know that they need to monitor themselves and make sure they aren't influencing others in a bad way...
HOWEVER, I am sooooooo glad that YG is with the Optionals this year (she is the youngest and the others are more than a year older at 11 - 14), because I was always afraid of her accidentally corrupting some of the girls in old L3 (3 were younger than her by less than a year and 7 were older by up to 2 years).
Like others have said, teach your children that not everything they see is appropriate and answer their questions n their level.
Good luck.

 

[Aussie_coach]

I am very surprised that the gym allows music with in appropriate lyrics. Perhaps they haven't even really thought about it. I would definitely bring it up to the coach.

I also don't think it would hurt to bring up the cell phone thing. Most gyms around here don't allow them at all. If kids have them they have to stay in Their bag.

 

[anothergymmom]

I absolutely sympathize with your concern about this stuff.
Just want to add that in my dd's gym cell phones are absolutely prohibited. Once, walking through on my way out, I overheard a coach (one of the youngest coaches too!) tell a team girl that if she ever saw her phone out again she would be off the team. Period. My 12 yr old dd has a phone but doesn't even bring it to the gym. And my daughter's gym doesn't seem that strict compared to others that I read about here. Coaches are nice and there is not a punishment mentality. I don't see why a "no electronics in the gym" policy isn't workable.


There is lot's of good advice here about talking to your kids early and often! It is hard to handle all the media and technology. One of the things I like about gymnastics for my daughter is that I see she uses social media much, much less than her non-gym friends--like almost never! No facebook, no instagram (dd is 12). There is just not enough time to waste on this stuff. She does watch music videos though as part of her "relax time." But even the kids who use this stuff more aren't necessarily thoughtless or inappropriate. There are a lot of nice kids out there! My daughter's school spends considerable time discussing "digital citizenship" and this has helped us, parents, have good conversations with her. We recently spent hours talking about "sexting" after they had class discussions about it. Oy Vey! But I am glad we are talking it through.

 

[kayjaybe]

To clarify, our girls aren't allowed to have their phones down on the gym floor, but they do take them to the gym. When they are getting ready before practice or sometimes after practice, they do pull them out for selfies, Instagram or whatever. Some of these girls need their phones to be able to contact parents regarding rides and stuff, so I'm not sure banning them would work. And honestly, if they are using them on their own time, I don't think they should ban their use.

 

[2gymnastand1soccerplayer]

My view on this topic is probably extremely different than other people's. My youngest dd is 7 ( will be 8 in March) my son is 16 and my oldest dd is 17. With my oldest two I was really strict on what social media they can have, what their allowed to watch and what video games they are allowed to play ect. But I soon came to notice that although they are pretty religious rule followers they probably are not going to go over to a friends house and say, they can't do something because their not allowed at home. Because of this I'm not as strict with my youngest dd. she doesn't have social media accounts or anything like that, but often times I will come home from work and my older two will be showing her videos, they'll be watching things on tv that may not be super appropriate, ect. ( they no not to show her too inappropriate things, We've definitely been over those rules) But I'm always having talks with her about what things mean and although you see it at home its not always appropriate to say these things or do these actions. I think as long as your kid understands and doesn't follow,its not super harmful to them. With that being said I'm not going to go and show my kid a rated R movie or let her play call of duty. She is only 7 and still a kid but I can only protect her from the "outside world " when I'm with her, she may know what rules I have for her and follow them too a t but that can only go so far.

 

[NH~GymMom]

I think there are so many different definitions of appropriate based on personal values. Some people are ok with bad words and obviously fake violence (cartoons, for example) while others aren't. DDs gym also plays inappropriate music for my 8 yo, but others feel the music is no big deal for their 8 year old.

It's definitely something I struggle with too because I am more on the strict side. But I can't control everything that happens, so we just have lots of conversations.

 

[gothgymmom]

Without starting any arguments or fights here...While I agree with most of what you all say, DD does not have a phone, FB or Instagram accounts, She will learn about stuff on tv and school. I guess you can say I am lax about a few things. She wanted to watch a horror movie on netflix the other day, I told her it was scary. She thought she could watch it but ended up shutting it off when something scary came on. I let her find out for herself and then talked to her about it. I informed her that movies are just that. They are movies. Entertainment for people. She asked me if they are real (shes 8) I asked her back, "if horror movies were real, do you think there would be anyone left on earth to make movies?" She laughed and said no. We have already had the "puberty" talk. Sex talk will come with the monthly friend. I cant say anything about the video games, as I myself am an avid Call of Duty player, I have taught her that it is a form of entertainment and not real at all. We go to the range all the time and she gets to shoot numerous types of guns, so she is aware that COD is nothing compared to reality so I have no problem setting the game up with bots (computer) for her to shoot. She has fun. She knows its not real, and IMHO I think more children would benefit from being taught that kind of way. One time, my hubbys one aunt kinda looked down on me because we made DD go to a funeral for a family member. She let her grandchildren decide if they wanted to go. I told her that they are going to be sheltered all of their life if she keeps it up and are not going to know what to do in real life. She changed the subject lol. Anyway, when DD takes my phone and tries to get on my FB, I have to tell her that some people post bad stuff, and stuff she shouldnt be looking at or reading. She asked me why and then I told her that some people dont have any common sense. My nephew tries showing them videos of katie perry, miley, and all of those "twerkers". Doesnt anymore after we told him not to as we didnt want them watching that type of thing. In my house, sexual matters are for adult who are married, and violence is something she sees in the news so cant shelter her from that, and it wont be long till she hears something about sex from one of the kids on school whos parents dont care about them enough to not teach them that kind of thing....(tells you about my town lol). I cant even let my DD go outside in my fenced in back yard without an adult, its that bad. anyway, thats my 2 cents.

 

[blueredzone]

This may be a wildly unpopular point of view. If she is being exposed to that, I'd rather it happen at gym than at school. At least at gym I can realize the other kids are somewhat responsible. In regards to kids at school... Who knows....

Also I feel coaches have enough to worry about besides what kids are doing on there cell phones.

 

[wallinbl]

I am very surprised that the gym allows music with in appropriate lyrics. Perhaps they haven't even really thought about it. I would definitely bring it up to the coach.

I also don't think it would hurt to bring up the cell phone thing. Most gyms around here don't allow them at all. If kids have them they have to stay in Their bag.

If it's like DD's gym, they have lockers/cubbies in a room that's down the hall near the bathrooms. At some point during practice, they'll have a short break where they'll hit the bathroom and stop at their lockers for a snack. Phones are usually used at that point. They're not in the "gym" part of the "gym" at that point.