Parents Fear & injuries - let them quit or encourage to stay?

[snowboardergirl]

My daughter just turned 10 and is training for the new level 6. She competed level 6 this year. She had a hard year. She had fear issues for months, broke the same bone twice and came back. Now it's time to switch up to the optional program (summer training hours) and she's getting cold feet. She says she isn't sure she wants to do it b/c they skills are too scary, particularly on beam but now it's also happening on floor. In fact that is how she got her second break - hesitation on a RBHS backlayout. I'm not sure what to do. Last season she eventually got over her fear issues and went on to do well. She has a lot of talent but a lot of fear. Do I push her through it? Will she regret it if she quits? Or do I let her quit? Unfortunately contracts are due soon so we need to decide and she just doesn't know what she wants to do. They won't let us "wait and see" the contract must be turned in to go to practice. She loves gymnastics more than anything, or she did, it is her whole identity - you all know how that goes. I can't imagine her quitting and my husband thinks we should push her through it...but I am not sure. Last season there were tears before practice and I just think the skill ONLY get bigger and scarier from here. If she's scared (now) of the backhandspring (even though she did it for a month what is she going to do in another year....my husband says eventually she'll mature and outgrow fear but I am not sure. She won't repeat - I thought that would be a solution but she doesn't want to do that. I know it is HER decision but how do I guide a child like this?

 

[cbifoja]

I don't know the answer to the fear thing because so far I haven't had to deal with it. I'm still at the tears if she doesn't get to go to practice stage. I can draw on the experience of a friend of mine who is going through something similar.

Her DD has been jerking her around for TWO years now. Constant crying, throwing fits, lackadaisical effort in practice, being invited to skip/test out of multiple levels but refusing. To me, and keep in mind this is just my opinion, gymnastics is too expensive and too time consuming for this long of back and forth. This may just be my personality coming out because I tend to be decisive and I don't suffer a lot of wishy washy behavior.

You're right. The skills are just going to get harder and I'm sure there are girls who have worked through similar fears and have gone on to become successful optionals. It just depends on how much you are willing to put up with as far as the "gym drama" (using the term loosely).

 

[gymgal]

What do her coaches say about it? If they are not yet aware, it would be good to talk to them about UT. They are the ones in he ym with her daily and will have a better handle on whether they can help her work through it.

If she still wants to compete but doesn't want to move up (or repeat) what about xcel? It would give her a year to recoup mentally and decide what she wants to do.

 

[snowboardergirl]

That is EXACTLY IT!!! Why do we want to pay this much and commit this much time just for turmoil and drama??? And I, not my husband, is the one who deals with it! I know she loves gymnastics she's on top of the world when she does well but the MONTHS of getting over fear and the drama....I worry about her psychologically. Plus I just think, why are we doing this? She's not training for the Olympics? I highly doubt she will get to college with it. But she does love it....or does she? My husband is going to talk to the owner today and see if she can MAYBE give us a month leeway on the contract. I highly doubt it but she's scared after her last injury to start up in optionals. It's not like we are trying to screw the gym - my younger daughter is on team as well so we're not packing up and leaving! She doesn't know what she wants right now and I don't know which way to encourage her - she's clearly looking at us for guidance. On one hand, she's been struggling with fear for a long time and I'm TIRED of it there are a lot of sports she could do b/c she's very athletic that aren't scary - soccer, swimming, dance team, cheerleading, but OTOH, I don't think she can imagine her life without it and I think she wants to get over the fear - she even asked if there was medicine she could take. LOL!

 

[snowboardergirl]

She said she doesn't know if she wants to do excel because she still has to do the beam. Keep in mind beam was her best event last season - so she does it well, she just finds it scary. Unfortunately her coaches are impossible to talk to about it....she doesn't even have coaches right now b/c the gym is closed till July. Then they are all new coaches. I hear the optionals coaches have ZERO tolerance for fear issues. They'd just say nope, go back. I could maybe email an old coach from this year and ask her opinion. Maybe I will do that. I have asked in the past and they encouraged her to stay because when she's on she's good she's first place awesome, but when she's off, she's bone breaking, hesitation bad.

 

[MaryA]

Hmmm... doesn't necessarily sound like a totally supportive environment to me. And I don't love the contract thing + the gym being closed for weeks at a time thing + the not being able to talk to the coaches about what your daughter is going through thing. And every girl deals with fear issues. How can a coach in this sport have zero tollerance for it?

Maybe start making lists with your daughter... reasons to stay, reasons to go, and what she will do if she leaves (are there other clubs/sports she has been wanting to try but hasn't been able to, etc.). Since the gym is closed now, is she missing it? Or is she enjoying the down time?

Good luck! I'm sure this must be gut-wrenching for all involved.

 

[EastCoastGymMom]

It's so hard to know what I would do in your situation. It seems like your dd's fear issues are causing major injuries and a lot of stress, so that's very worrisome. It must be terrible for her if she has a lot of anxiety and fear before and during practice. Do you think it would be a relief for her if you said she should take a break from gymnastics and try another activity? Other options might be Excel, power tumbling, cheer, diving.... just to name a few!

I think it's a good idea to talk to her old coaches and see what the suggest for her, although I'm assuming they thought she could work through the fear issues if they won't let her repeat old 6/new 5 and pushed her up to optionals.

What happens if you sign her up and she can't work through her fear issues and you have to drop out of the program? Will the gym let you do that with the contract?

 

[snowboardergirl]

That is the bad part...the contract. It says even if your daughter quits team you are obligated to pay through June!! So it being July, we have to pay the enormous amount for the next YEAR! That sucks the big one and is why this whole thing stresses me out! I should mention we go to her orthopedist today so maybe that is what brought all this on?? I also don't understand how you can have zero tolerance for fear.

 

[motigymnasticsmom]

She can become an IES individual event specialist in Xcel starting at platinum. She can choose what she feels comfortable with.

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[sglemon]

What are her long term goals in the sport? Does she want to be doing this in place of school sports? College? I also have a 10 yr old dealing with fear. She stopped rotating during a back tuck, fell on her head and strained her back. Now a skill she use to do easily, she won't do without 2 spots. She is a dancer and wants to dance in college, she won't do a flyaway, because she is scared to death about hitting her feet on the bar. Beam, more issues. If it came down to injuries like your dd, we would have walked away already. In the meantime, our gym talked us into staying the summer and try to work through her fears. They have been extremely supportive. I am not sure what we are going to do, at the end of August, but since my dd had other goals outside of the gym, it will be easy for us to walk away, if her fears don't improve.

I am wondering if she took a couple of weeks off in July, if it would help you dd to think things through. I wouldn't renew July 1 until you both know for sure.

 

[snowboardergirl]

Her long term goals were the Olympics until a month or so ago! (I know that's not really going to happen but she didn't!) She was all in on top of the world then she got some fear issues back and hurt herself and it all changed in the past month or so. That is my big reluctance in letting her quit....what if this is just an impulsive thing? She has a week and a half off now to think about it so maybe that will provide some clarity. In the meantime I emailed one of her old coaches about it. I just hope they are honest enough to say (if they think) with these fear issues quit, if that is what they think. What are the skills needed to be an excel platinum specialist? Could she go right to that? I have NO clue how excel works! She almost has her giant, but not yet.

 

[bookworm]

That is the bad part...the contract. It says even if your daughter quits team you are obligated to pay through June!! So it being July, we have to pay the enormous amount for the next YEAR! That sucks the big one and is why this whole thing stresses me out! I should mention we go to her orthopedist today so maybe that is what brought all this on?? I also don't understand how you can have zero tolerance for fear.

Ok this part would do it for me as there's no way I would be paying for a whole year ,knowing now, that she has huge fear issues and doesn't want to do at least 25% of the events (beam) ....I would have her "quit"now and try other sports and see how she likes it, and if she likes other things, well there you have it. But if she decides she wants to return to gymnastics eventually, at least you haven't wasted a whole year of tuition and time dragging her crying to practices, and she won't do stuff. There are plenty of kids at her age who have taken a year off..

I know something about a situation like this as my youngest was a skater for a while , and she was good at it but then we got into the "I don't want to go" , crying , having to be dragged to 5 am practices etc until I finally said "enough" and ended it ...my husband thought she should continue , but he, like your husband , wasn't the one seeing all the tears and looking like Mommy Dearest dragging her into practice crying so I said to him, "if you want to bring her, go ahead but I'm done...and make sure you rearrange your work schedule like I've been doing".....never happened... and my kid never regretted it .

Sometimes I think when a kid has fears or reservations about whatever activity they are doing, they are looking to their parents to help them out and make the parental decision of leaving the sport....could be that this is what your daughter is doing...

 

[snowboardergirl]

I am honestly not sure if she is looking at me to make a decision. It's just that her wanting to quit is SO abrupt. Literally 2 days ago she was writing her practice times on the calendar with happy faces and saying she was "awesome". I emailed her coach and her coach (and got a response) and she said she thinks she is just freaking out with all the changes and she honestly thinks she is still really into it. She thinks it's a combination of new coaches and coming back after her injury. ARGH!!!!!!! I will relay what her coach said, she even said the optionals coaches are very excited to get her, and see if that changes her thoughts. I am just sooo confused.

 

[MaryA]

Hopefully, if her coaches understand what she is going through, and know that you would like a month extension before you sign the contract (and make a good-faith gesture by signing your other daughter's contract), and that you think a month might make the difference between her quitting now or sticking with it, they will give you the extension. I don't think I would sign the contract the way things are right now. It is hard for me to imagine the HC/owner not allowing that. If your other daughter is there, it's not like they can possibly think you will spend that month "shopping around" for another gym or something. Unless there are kids standing in line to join the level 7 team, it would be in everyone's best interest to allow her a bit of time to figure out what she wants.

 

[thefellowsmom]

My dd has been through something similar in the last couple months, although we never got to not wanting to go to practice or wanting to quit. But, she is at that tipping point between compulsory and optionals and has some fear issues. The only reason I mention this is that she had a major melt down right before state. We were very lucky she didn't get hurt, she just started refusing everything. She even stopped doing a robhs and twice they had to call me mid practice to come pick her up.

When we finally got down to it, two things were happening. One she was putting a tremendous amount of pressure on herself to win state, but bigger than that the skills were coming fast and her coaches started talking about the changes that were going to happen over the summer and that the girls were going to be split up. They started talking to her about skipping levels and moving to optionals and she just freaked out. All the change (coaches, skills, groups) and perceived pressure of what was coming both short term and long term was just more than she could deal with.

Flash forward two months and she is flying high and totally ready and confident about moving to optionals. She just needed some time to wrap her brain around it. It sounds to me like your daughter is freaked out about all the changes coming, the higher expectations, the different coaches. If she is afraid and has heard that there won't be any tolerance of her fear with the new coaches then in her state that could push her right over the edge.

Getting through it for us was hard and even scary. They pushed her hard and sometimes I wondered if they were doing the right thing, but it seems to have worked. She is still afraid of some things but she has learned to just keep going and the fear will eventually subside and the skill will come.

Is the no tolerance attitude really about fear or is it about refusing to go? What the coaches told me is that when you get to optionals the skills are too dangerous to balk at. There has to be trust and they have to do what their told. If they don't they sit down, simple as that. Hard to watch but reasonable really. You have already had injuries due to her stopping mid air so you know first hand all about this. Hearing what her coaches said should help and maybe even talk with the new coaches to see what they think. She may relax if she is confident that the optional coaches want her and want to help her thought her fear issues, but it still may take some time.

I probably haven't helped at all, but I would encourage her to stick with it for a while, tryout the new optional coaches and training system. Once she gets comfortable and starts having some successes it may change her whole tune. Right now she is panicking and trying to flee, it is an instinctual reaction and a place where i would not want my child to quit from.

Hopefully you will get the extension. That contract seems really extreme and definitely puts even more pressure and difficulty on the situation. She needs some time to adjust. My bet is that a month or two will go a long way.

Good luck, so sorry you are dealing with this.

 

[erindel]

wow i am going through the same thing with my daughter. she has had the same back tumbling fears for the last two years. she now has a fear to do her giants, which she hasnt even tried yet on the strap bar, her coaches have not given her the chance to try it yet. she is already determined she will never do them. that is keeping her from level 7, her coach just informed me she will be new optional 6 instead. she had hated doing her robhsbt for the last 1.5 yr. she is now trying the back layout on tumble track and she was actually doing it, but now she wont do it... its so frustrating to watch and go through. I am giving her the option of try harder, or quit. plain and simple..she is so wishy washy right now. she took a four month break recently and realized she missed it so much. so of course i allow her to go back after she promised me she will change, and work hard and do her tumbling. well that didnt last because now she is back in the same rut doing the same old habits of letting kids cut her in line during tumbling, and hanging out at the chalk bowl instead of taking her turn on the bars. i am so stressed out with this. I would be sad if she left but im paying alot of money for her to attend gym and if she cant get over her issues then i would rather her do something else. btw, she is 12, so the fears started about the beginning of her turning 10. I hear its the age when fears can start. i wish you luck with your daughter and I feel for you... i know exactly how u feel.

 

[EastCoastGymMom]

If this is an abrupt change, then I would definitely give her some time to work through it! I got the impression from your original post that she has had these fears for the last year and couldn't get past them which led to a couple of major injuries. If you do sign the contract and she can't get past the fears to compete, do you think they would even want her on team? Seems as if they would cut her from the team themselves instead of making her continue to practice and you continue to pay. I would think fears like that are contagious! One kid doesn't want to do a skill and it freaks the rest of them out.

 

[gymmomtoo]

I think fears resurfacing when you move to optionals is common and I would ordinarily urge you to encourage her to work through it. The one thing that holds me back is the yearly contract. While I know it is likely not enforceable, it's still not something I'd want to sign if I thought my daughter might quit. I hope your husband is able to get them to delay having to commit!

 

[gymgal]

You said the gym is closed until July. How long has she been out? It may just be nerves from nit being in the gym. Once she is back, she may be ok. I know, that doesn't help when you have a 1yr contract to sign. Like others have said, I would talk with owner about some trial time, given the situation. I really don't think is to much to ask. It is nit like she is taking a spot from another child, like in the beginning levels.

 

[level9mom]

How do gyms ever close? We only have about two weeks off all year. How foes this affect conditioning?


Every awful story begins with "we were on beam and..."