Parents How do you get your child to believe in themselves?

[my4buffaloes]

My dd struggles with confidence and frequently thinks she "will never get it" - whatever the "it" skill is that month. I will admit it does seem to take her longer to get new skills than other girls in her group - it always has. I made the comment "I know you will get it, I believe in you" and she later came to me and said that she usually doesn't believe in herself and doesn't know how to change that.

I know so much of gymnastics is mental, how can I help her to start believing that she can do it? I hate seeing her upset and she is frequently upset because she can't get a skill or has a bad practice. Ugh, it is so hard to be a parent sometimes!

 

[gymgal]

From personal experience, I have learned to give this as little attention as possible. There really isn't much I can do to help her anyway. So I reassure her that she will get the skill when she feels confident enough to do the skill. Putting it back on her and not letting her complain about it has really helped with decreasing her negativity.

 

[GymBee97]

I agree with gymgal. Don't make a big deal of it but do point out for her to look at eveyone has something they are struggling with. So If she has a kip and others are still struggling point that out and that everyone goes at their own pace. Let her know that if she keeps working on it she will get it eventually.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

if it doesn't kill you...you DO get stronger.

 

[txgymfan]

Many parents on this site have used Doc Ali's workbooks and materials and seem to have great success. Just do a search for "Doc Ali". There was even a comment in the past few days.

Another suggestion, have her make a list of skills she would "never" get and did. When she gets down, have her look a the list. Positive affirmations may also help her.

To those who suggest not allowing her to complain, it may well work for your child but for many children they will still feel just as bad but then they will be quiet and you may not know what is bothering them. From personal expirence, my mom once got me to stop complaining and years later she had no idea that a horrible situation continued for months after I stopped talking.

So please please please do not try to get your child to stop talking, seek help, the tools she learns now will help her forever!

Dunno, for once we disagree. What does not kill her now may continue to hurt her for a long long time.

 

[Kiwi]

My dd struggles with confidence and frequently thinks she "will never get it" - whatever the "it" skill is that month. I will admit it does seem to take her longer to get new skills than other girls in her group - it always has. I made the comment "I know you will get it, I believe in you" and she later came to me and said that she usually doesn't believe in herself and doesn't know how to change that.

I know so much of gymnastics is mental, how can I help her to start believing that she can do it? I hate seeing her upset and she is frequently upset because she can't get a skill or has a bad practice. Ugh, it is so hard to be a parent sometimes!

You've just described my DD exactly! Ignoring her definitely would not work, she would just stew about it and make herself feel worse. I have tried reminding her about previous skills she thought she would "never get" and did (and then was SO excited when she did), and that does help her to some extent. I have also explained to her that her brain believes whatever she tells it and so if she says "I can't" her brain will believe it and make that happen. It also seems to help to let her vent for a while when she gets frustrated (encourage her to cry and let her feelings out). She then pulls herself together and with a bit of encouragement will become more determined to get it. When she shows a positive attitude I give her praise and encouragement and tell her how proud of her I am, to try to reinforce it. This attitude seems to come from her perfectionist tendencies (I think it is also genetic, she got it from her mother). It is an ongoing struggle and a lot like riding a roller coaster!

 

[my4buffaloes]

Thanks everyone! We have lots of those same conversations. I try not to encourage the negative, but I won't ignore it either. I know what it is like to have the negative thoughts run through your head and it is very difficult to stop them myself sometimes. She is only 11, so I imagine it is harder for her.

I feel like a broken record some days with the "I know you will get it, you have gotten all the other skills you once thought you would never get, etc." I think I will have her make a list of all those skills as proof on paper that she does eventually get it.

I don't want to be negative about her teammates, but sometimes I will point out that so & so struggles with x, so & so struggles with y and you struggle with z. Everyone has there issue. It just seems like no matter what I say nothing helps for long.

I'm going to look into the Doc Ali stuff, because the stuff I am saying isn't helping the situation, even though I am trying. I just want her to be happy and she claims she loves gymnastics, but most days she comes out of practice miserable because she didn't get a skill, or kept falling on a skill. Yesterday she said she didn't have her flyaway yet. This makes no sense to me, because she just competed it great for a year. But in her head she doesn't have it yet? I am so confused by her thinking.

 

[gymmomof1]

Yup my dd goes through that too and we have done what txgymfan suggested about talking about the skills she said "I'll never get" and sure enough the following week or two she gets it and we laugh then another skill will come up that "I'll never get" and sometimes my dh and dd will play guess how long it will take (he says in 5 practices she in 7 and they see who comes the closes). Its routine for them now to go through this ritual and at this point I think it helps her. Just the other day she got a skill they talked about way ahead of either guess and when it happened she laughed to herself. There are other times when she has a bad practice and doesn't want to talk about it so I let her talk or not ( this I have learned through another post and suggested from other CBers so thanks ).
Finally, she has used the Doc Ali "training your mind" excersises that I down loaded onto her iPod and she can listen to anytime she needs to work something out mentally. It has been a big help!!!

 

[emorymom]

I would say you have to get them to believe in the process not themselves. If the belief is "I am a successful gymnast," then they hit a wall with a skill or two, then they are in a mental mess.

If the belief is "I practice gymnastics over and over and that is how I learn," well, that's a belief that one can hold on to more easily good days and bad.

I have one child in acting pretty seriously, and the kid can't be outcome oriented in acting either. You have to be process oriented, or it's not tolerable. But life is like that.

 

[jcs]

My DD has so much confidence in many ways, but gets really nervous about her abilities as well. She is young (6 in October) but what has been resonating with her lately is me telling her she is strong vs. good. She knows she is strong, and she knows it is a good thing to be strong. We were watching some of the Olympic Trial replays the other day and I said something about how strong they were, and she said,"I am strong." Yes, she is finally getting it . So I have been trying to use those phrases, "you looked really strong in class today" rather than you did great on your pullover. Not sure if it's the same thing, but it has made her a lot more confident.

The other thing she always worries about is that everyone will be older than her. She is in the second level of advanced beginners so that does happen often. Trying to explain to a 5 year old that it is about ability and skills, not age, is almost impossible. But saying, you are just as strong as them works a little bit better.

 

[LizzieLac]

My DD also suffers this very affliction!! HA! It is the perfectionist thing. You know the saying "What have you done for me lately"? That is how DD seems to think about getting skills. She did, however, get her back tuck pretty easily, so she is loving doing it and the keeps her coming out of practice on a positive note.

I have tried to get her to look at her successes over the years as a way to get her to realize that she is a capable gymnast and so "why wouldn't she get the skill" type of thinking takes over. Most of the time, I find that there is not a whole lot I can do or say to give her confidence. That comes from within. It comes and goes and that is natural.

I did print out some of the Doc Ali articles on confidence/fear/self-talk. DD and I read them together and I tried to put things in terms we use when we speak with each other to help her understand what Ali was saying. Still not sure it has sunk in....

I think this a very common part of the gymnastics journey. As parents, we sometimes try to "fix" things for our kids. Not sure this is something we can fix.

 

[gymmomtoo]

I don't think it's negative to point out that her teammates struggle too. My DD sometimes thinks that no one else ever struggles with getting a skill or gets frustrated. And I point out things the other girls are struggling with. I know it helps her to realize that she's not the only one that is frustrated!

Love the idea of her making a list of skills she's struggled with and mastered! Something concrete to look at when she's doubting herself. My dd also writes daily goals--breaking down whatever skill she is working on into manageable steps that she can work on each day. She's also done Doc Ali (isn't doing it right now) and that really helps. Although she doesn't do the web camp right now, she does work each week through the workbook. I highly recommend it (the web camp can be pricey though!)

 

[Deleted member D3987]

Many parents on this site have used Doc Ali's workbooks and materials and seem to have great success. Just do a search for "Doc Ali". There was even a comment in the past few days.

Another suggestion, have her make a list of skills she would "never" get and did. When she gets down, have her look a the list. Positive affirmations may also help her.

To those who suggest not allowing her to complain, it may well work for your child but for many children they will still feel just as bad but then they will be quiet and you may not know what is bothering them. From personal expirence, my mom once got me to stop complaining and years later she had no idea that a horrible situation continued for months after I stopped talking.

So please please please do not try to get your child to stop talking, seek help, the tools she learns now will help her forever!

Dunno, for once we disagree. What does not kill her now may continue to hurt her for a long long time.

well, i must've missed something. i don't see where the OP stated what i put in bold. and i would never suggest to try to shut them up. i think i've been pretty clear that parents have to get used to them venting. thay don't have anyone else to vent to. sometimes all they want is to unload and have someone listen without interrupting them. more often than not it's pretty simple. all you have to do is sit and listen. my kids are all grown. amongst other sports and activities, they all did gymnastics. and my wife and me were 2 of their coaches. they did a lot of venting. we sat and listened. it's part of the process.

my response was related to the gymnastics process that the OP described. not the stuff you posted as the OP doesn't state any of the stuff you posted in their 1st post. and the only one that i responded to. the process is tough...and if it doesn't kill you (not literally) it will make you stronger.

 

[NewtoGym]

My dd struggles with confidence and frequently thinks she "will never get it" - whatever the "it" skill is that month. I will admit it does seem to take her longer to get new skills than other girls in her group - it always has. I made the comment "I know you will get it, I believe in you" and she later came to me and said that she usually doesn't believe in herself and doesn't know how to change that.

A little fact that might make her feel better when she doubts herself...When watching Aly Raisman's documentary, her parents commented how Aly was NEVER one to get skills first. It would take her longer to get most skills that her teammates would get easier. However, hard work paid off as she is now the team captain on the USA Olympic team!

 

[GymBee97]

Oh I'm for letting the kids complain but mom's reaction needs to be more matter of fact. Give support and understanding so she knows you care but don't overly dwell on it or show your stress about it. Not easy but if the parents are all stressed then the daughers will be stressed about it too.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

exactly. and Aly is still working at bars. took her forever to get where she is today on that event and she still struggles. double the time of everyone else on this event.

that is how i interpreted the OP's post. you probably can imagine how many time Aly must've pulled her hair out at night cause it "took longer" to get something on this event. and she's still working on it. she will never come to the end of her learning curve on bars. won't happen. she's not good on this event. never will be. and that's okay. it's the life of a gymnast. it's a process.

and...Aly can beat most guys on floor...and beam too!

 

[gymgal]

I was the one who posted about not complaining and I should have explained further. My dd and I talk quite often about her gymnastics. Always her initiation. She tells me about difficulties she is having absurd listen, offering her encouragement - you'll get it when you're ready. These type of skills usually take longer for you..... Those types of comments.

My comment was directed toward on going complaining such as "i'll never get it... I'm a horrible gymnasts... So-and-so is always beating me... , we have talk about about these when they first occur but I refuse to rehash and perpetuate her negative attitude about herself.

 

[Jen H.]

I do a lot of things that PP's have mentioned. I also whisper in each of my girl's ears every night after they are asleep, "That you can anything you dream of".
A little subliminal messaging can't hurt right?

 

[Kiwi]

most days she comes out of practice miserable because she didn't get a skill, or kept falling on a skill.

My DD went through a phase of this, and I tried to get her to think of one positive thing at the end of each practice. It's because they focus on what didn't go well and forget about what did. I think it helped. I'm also trying to encourage her to use positive self-talk as it has helped me a lot and I wish I'd known these things when I was much younger. I don't know how well it is working but these things take a lot of practice.

I also agree with Dunno that sometimes kids have to vent. DD's old coach used to tell her off when she cried (I guess she thought it was attention-seeking) and I explained to the coach that she just needed to vent her frustration and she would be best to ignore it, as once DD had got it out, she would pick herself up and get going again. I guess a lot of coaches don't like crying and I guess some kids are attention-seeking, but with my DD it is just part of the process of learning to deal with frustration. Being a mum, I used to try to comfort my kids, saying things like 'don't cry, sweetie', but these days I usually say 'have a good cry and let it all out' as I think it is better for them. It lets them know their feelings are normal and allows them to express them in a safe way.

I have also talked to DD about what the others in her group have struggled with, so that she understands that she is not the only one, and they have all had trouble with something. I don't feel it is negative as long as it is not done in a put-down kind of way. I must admit, it makes me feel better to read all these posts and realise my DD is not unusual - she's in good company!

 

[mariposa]

What worked for my daughter was making her a short and long term goals chart at the beginning of the season. Some were big skills, some were fixing skills, "stick my landing on vault ", etc. She chose most and I asked her what her coaches were working with her on for a lot of short term. She would cross stuff off as she got them. And whenever she would be down on herself, I would tell her to go look at her chart. It really helped her to see that she was making progress and meeting goals!

She still struggles sometimes with confidence, but it has been nice to have that chart! We used an old addition rules chart from the dollar store, back side was blank and laminated, so dry erase markers work well. She has goals for each event and also for strength.