WAG How old is a child expected to take things seriously at every practice?

[GymmieC]

I just had a mommy meltdown with DD today due to her excessive talking with her friends at gym. Let me preface my situation. I am NOT a cgm who pushes my DD to perform. I love my children regardless of what they do. But sometimes, and it is usually tied to when I have to write a big check to her gym that I ask myself, " Why am I paying this much money if she isn't going to take it seriously?" DD is usually a hard worker who is determined to do her very best but there are times that she slacks off and talks too much I know. Her coach also asked me to stress to her that they need her to do what they know she can and that she needs to work hard every day not just some of the days.
I just spent about an hour explaining to a friend my push for DD which is to learn the correlation between hard work and success. I am pretty sure my friend now understands that I stress hard work above everything. I am not the kind of mom that pays for privates to get my child ahead. She has had three privates to date, and she has been involved in competitive gymnastics since she was four years old. she is now 9 and is training level 8. I don't push her to be the best above her teammates either.

I read the thread asking, " How do I motivate a little gymnast?" Her Dd was fairly young, six I believe. My DD is motivated intrinsically most times. I put my foot in my mouth last season when she got down on herself about her bwo ff series on beam, and I told her if she sticks it at her next meet, because I know you can, I will get you what you want. I should have put a limit on that prize because I was initially out $100! Trust me NEVER again will I do that!!

Coaches, parents, gymnasts, etc. How old is a gymnast expected to be before he/she understands the value of hard work? I can gauge when she is having an off day and when she is just plain slacking. From reading the above post, I have gathered that we all understand that the money is exorbitant in gym and if the child isn't intrinsically motivated to work hard then gym may not be the sport for the child. I probably have had to talk to DD about two or three times this past year about working hard, but the fact that I have talked with her warrants my question again, HOW OLD SHOULD A CHILD BE BEFORE WE CAN EXPECT THAT SAID CHILD TO UNDERSTAND THE VALUE OF HARD WORK? All comments would be useful. As a teacher sometimes my mom glasses get clouded because I expect my nine yo to behave like my 12-14 yo students.

On an aside, when I was talking to DD today, I noted her eyes getting teary. But she fought them back. I told her to get back to practice and I'd better see her not talking and listening to her coaches. She did just that. By the way, I dont stay to watch practice, but I do workout at gym inside her gym. I came in 1.5 hrs before practice, and that's what I saw...

 

[Seeker]

I think that if she is 9 yrs old and training Level 8, she's obviously talented and doing something right. No one is "on" everyday and that includes kids and adults alike. However, if her coaches mentioned it to you, obviously it is something that she needs to be reminded, but she is still very young so it may take several reminders.

I don't think there is anything wrong with telling her on no uncertain terms what you expect of her and what her coaches expect. If she's training L8, this has moved beyond something she does for fun or that is just a hobby. This is a big commitment for you all, both personally and financially so there is some responsibility on her part in holding up her end of the deal (work hard, don't disrupt/distract teammates/etc).

Just keep reminding her...she'll get it.

 

[happychaos]

Well, if there is a way to get a nine-year-old to L8 without knowing how to work hard, I'd love to hear about it

 

[curlymomof3]

My thoughts exactly ^^^^^

 

[happychaos]

Also remember that a 9 year-old L8 will not behave the same as a 13 year-old L8. Most 9 year-olds are in L4 or L5 (and are probably well beyond their non-gymnastic peers in terms of focus and discipline already). Just because your DD has acquired more gymnastics skills doesn't mean that she will have the self-control and focus to go along with it. It sounds like she's doing just wonderfully!

 

[Azgymmiemom]

I don't know. I think I'd cut her some slack. My dd is the most wide eyed innocent 10 year old I've ever seen, and she's a Level 8. 9 is young...really, really, young. When these kids have such talent, I think we forget that they aren't even old enough to stay at home by themselves yet.

She's obviously doing something right to be at that level that young. Just support her and encourage her. She will mature when she is older

 

[LilHawkMom]

Well, if there is a way to get a nine-year-old to L8 without knowing how to work hard, I'd love to hear about it

I would say just because someone is young and at a high level doesn't necessarily mean they know what hard work is. Sometimes they rely on talent to get them through verse hard work, focus, etc. I feel like that is what my child does at times since things came easy and just wonder how much better could be if they worked hard instead of settling for what comes easy.

To OP GymmieC, I can feel your frustration through your post. It is definitely just repeating and repeating expectations and giving consequences to behavior. You ask "HOW OLD SHOULD A CHILD BE BEFORE WE CAN EXPECT THAT SAID CHILD TO UNDERSTAND THE VALUE OF HARD WORK?" I don't know my child is 11yrs and I don't think understands yet! It is an ongoing process.

 

[GymmieC]

Thank you everyone for your honest responses. I know she is young, but I have seen other young ones like her in gym too. I always ponder on my words and actions pretty much second guess myself in terms of trying to be reflective. C is a very hard worker I know. Thank you for talking me down. I guess at times I do loose sight of her age. My children are all 5.5 years apart from each other, so I do loose that reference point. C is quite beyond in terms of mental toughness then kids I see her age at the school I teach. Most girls on her training 8 team are roughly around her age, 10-12. She was called the "baby " on the team but really she is mos. behind some. I guess the more she progresses, I will see more behavioral growth.

 

[GymBee97]

If she is advancing, doing well at meets, her coach is happy with her performance, AND she can having fun while doing this then I don't see a problem. Working hard shouldn't mean you can't socialize or have fun too. At L8 there isn't a gymnast that isn't working hard and is focused. If they weren't they would get injured and be a mess. Not too many get to those L8 - L10 levels the only ones I see getting that far are the ones who love it and work at it. Pure Talent will only take you so far and by L8 even the talented have to work hard. Just remember working hard doesn't mean in silence, doesn't mean socializing isn't listening. If you are really worried talk to her coach and see what her comments are on her work ethic. I bet the coach is really happy with her.

 

[gymdog]

It really depends on the child. Every child is different, and they will all grow out of whatever stage eventually. That's my constant refrain anyway. I have many "behavior" problems in the sense of not ideal, but in the end they're just being kids and they will outgrow it eventually. It sounds like she is progressing quite well so I can't imagine it's worth a meltdown over (I think you already recognize that in retrospect).

I would just remind her when the coaches tell you to and otherwise leave it up to them. I doubt she is too terrible in behavior if they've promoted her to level 8, presumably without repeating levels. Sure, if she was 100% serious all the time, might she be farther or be able to get a tiny bit farther in the end? Maybe, who knows? But is that HER? I don't think we should in essence try to beat the natural spirit out of the child so they can perhaps get a little bit farther in gymnastics if the stars align. Not every child is a serious child, some are goofy, some are more social than others.

The important thing behaviorally is not to be outright disrespectful or defiant. Talking during the practice could be seen as disrespectful in some sense, but I don't think the child usually means it in a deliberate way, it is impulsive behavior. Any behavior that is impulsive takes a long time to outgrow. And the coach must structure the class in such a way to minimize impulsive and distracting behaviors.

 

[iwannacoach]

Ask her to go through one practice doing everything she can to focus and work as hard as she can. Do that once a week, thn twice a week, and then three times in a week. Give her lots of kudos with each practice she meets that challenge and ask her, when she gets through a week of three focused practices, if she felt her work produced the results she wanted and does she feel she genuinely lost something by avoiding the goof off lapses.

I think it's important that you respect any answer she's able to provide for these questions, sensible or not, because her answers are a product of the world she lives in as seen through her eyes. If you want to change her answers, you'll first have to change the way she sees and understands things. Who knows, maybe she'll just ask you a question like...... Just when did this become something besides an "activity," and you should have told me what it was supposed to be like.

There are things each of us don't know, and at the top of the list is not knowing how much we don't know....... if that makes sense.

 

[Fliptwisttumble]

DD will be turning 9 at the end of the month and is training approx. L8. She and I had this chat a couple of months ago. I'd walked in near the end of a practise and she was just gabbing up a storm while others merrily worked away.

In the end, she explained that she has to still have fun while she is there..... Or why is she there? She can work hard, have small breaks to chat with her friends, get the work done. I decided that I had to back off. I watched some other days and realized she IS a hard worker, and that at her age, if that is what she needs to get herself through, so be it. We decided that there is a time and place for chatting, and that if it doesn't interfere ith her training (ie missing turns, causing others to do the same) it is likely fine. She is to take cues from her coaches (this year's coaches will be very up front with her if she isn't pulling her weight).

i agree with the others. They are still so young. Mine is in the gym 5 hours at a time. I have a hard time focusing on my job at the end of five hours, and have stopped to chat with colleagues during that time, so why should I expect more of her?

 

[gymmomtoo]

I know her coaches have asked you to talk to her too, but honestly, I think past reminding her to listen to her coaches, you've done your job. Now you get to be the one to cheer her on and tell her what a great job she's doing. If both you and the coaches are pushing her to straighten up, be serious, have no fun (I'm exaggerating), then she's not going to want to continue long. I think kids need somebody that isn't pushing them--and her coaches are ones that push kids hard, so let you be the one that doesn't.

And to answer the title question--I think 9 is certainly old enough to take things seriously But I also don't think laughing and talking at practice is an indication that she ISN'T being serious.

 

[bookworm]

I think she'll be ok....she's 9 , she 's training level 8 so she's obviously able to get it together enough to focus to make improvements and progress. Even watching small amounts of practice (vs the whole thing) can be misleading as I've said to my daughter , after watching a snippet of the practice, "so why were you doing (or not doing) XX" and her response would be "we had already done that or were working on something else" ...so I don't fret about what I might see on a given day. It's the whole picture that counts, and from your daughter's "whole picture" of being a 9 yo Level 8, she's doing just fine...

 

[gymgal]

I think you are seeing personality differences here, rather that work ethic differences. Gymnasts (particularly higher level) tend to be more introverted, quiet, serious. So when there is a child who is not like this, it really stands out. I have seen this in swimming with Ds as well, who is very talkative and gets into trouble for it because he is the only one like this. Some sports just naturally lend themselves to certain personalities and when the personality doesn't fit the mold, people notice it more.

Obviously, being 9 and a L8, she is working hard. Could she maybe work a little harder if she weren't goofing around? Maybe, but she might not enjoy it as much and she might quit as a result. I would just remind her that her actions affect others on her team - causing them to not listen, missing turns, etc. And she needs to make sure that doesn't happen. Other than that, I would let her be.

Also, you mentioned the age range. There is a huge difference in maturity level at that age range. So if she is a little on the immature side with older girls who are more mature for their age, it is going to show. That doesn't mean your dd is out of the range. It would just look that way given the surroundings.

 

[GymmieC]

I know in the grand scheme of things, she is doing very well. I will ask her iwannacoach what you suggest. I am not bothered by the talking as much as it seemed in my first post. What got me also was seeing her go back to a drill that she had stopped doing weeks ago from what she says because she is now able to do the full yurchenko entry on to a matted vault. I also guess seeing all the girls doing it no problem and C and her chatting buddy doing the fb drill I got silly preconceived ideas that she was playing and not focusing enough. After I talked to her, she started doing the ro entry again. That was my melt down moment. I had never done that before. I will mention it to her again and talk with her coaches about it. Since her coach talked to me, I have been a lot more serious with her about working hard. I don't like it if an adult tells me something about my children and I don't address it. But in the end , I would never want to suck the FUN out of the sport for her. I had asked her before about quitting. It was just in passing because I wanted to see how much desire she has for her sport and she said something like, " No! Never! Gymnastics is the perfect sport for me!" I know kids probably say those things, but for now everything is about gym. She always asks for only gym themed clothes. I remember my oldest being like that. She loved gym and still does. Thank you all for your grounding responses. They have really hit home.

 

[GymmieC]

I think you are seeing personality differences here, rather that work ethic differences. Gymnasts (particularly higher level) tend to be more introverted, quiet, serious. So when there is a child who is not like this, it really stands out. I have seen this in swimming with Ds as well, who is very talkative and gets into trouble for it because he is the only one like this. Some sports just naturally lend themselves to certain personalities and when the personality doesn't fit the mold, people notice it more.

Obviously, being 9 and a L8, she is working hard. Could she maybe work a little harder if she weren't goofing around? Maybe, but she might not enjoy it as much and she might quit as a result. I would just remind her that her actions affect others on her team - causing them to not listen, missing turns, etc. And she needs to make sure that doesn't happen. Other than that, I would let her be.

Also, you mentioned the age range. There is a huge difference in maturity level at that age range. So if she is a little on the immature side with older girls who are more mature for their age, it is going to show. That doesn't mean your dd is out of the range. It would just look that way given the surroundings.

Thank you! She is very social and genuinely liked by all her tm, but I wouldn't say more than others at the gym. Her coach was more talking about her work ethic; from what I gauged she wants her to come into the gym on a daily basis and give her all because as she said it " I know she can do more." She didn't say anything like that she was talking too much. I may be jumping the gun with that connection. As a teacher, I have gone through the , " So-and-so student is talking too much, that's why they weren't focused enough to do well on an assignment..." Bad! I know! I can't connect my work life with my children. It is a whole other ball game.
But compared to my other two children, this child is quite frankly the more determined, hard working bundle of energy. I am happy with that.

 

[munchkin3]

Really? an 9 year old level 8 or whatever, going the gym everyday after school maybe, and she is not working hard enough???
Lets see how us parents handle working out everyday after work for 3 hours and see how it goes.

I am sure that when the meet is upon her, things will quickly change......Hard work and how your daughters' guage of hard work can only be determined by her.......
the only thing frustrated parents do is turn kids off, interfere with a good parent daughter relationship and make something good turn into something bad.
PS-Dont watch practice, ask coach how she is doing.

 

[emorymom]

Kinda ignorant here but when my 8yo son doesn't focus and isn't trying his hardest, he has to condition as a consequence.
He's 8 and pretty bright but he needs that to stay focused and trying his best. They really love the win at these ages but they don't see the big picture. That's why we have coaches and parents.

I added the word "parents," but I think communicating expectations here is really the coach's place.

 

[GymmieC]

Really? an 9 year old level 8 or whatever, going the gym everyday after school maybe, and she is not working hard enough???
Lets see how us parents handle working out everyday after work for 3 hours and see how it goes.

I am sure that when the meet is upon her, things will quickly change......Hard work and how your daughters' guage of hard work can only be determined by her.......
the only thing frustrated parents do is turn kids off, interfere with a good parent daughter relationship and make something good turn into something bad.
PS-Dont watch practice, ask coach how she is doing.

Really? Did you read my posts? I have NEVER said I do not believe that she is a hard worker. On most days she does work hard, but she has days I am sure where she is far more social then her coaches want. She is new at the gym, since late April. I heard from many parents that the coaches do not like the talking and they want them focused. Now let me be clear, her coaches are very giving and kind. They do not demand more than the child can give. They understand what it takes in this sport since both HCs were Olympic level athletes and are World Class coaches. My main concern is that DD is living up to their expectations of her especially behaviorally.

(Your post reads quite negatively. I do not know if you meant it that way, but it does.)

I merely asked about the mental connection between hard work netting success. At nine is she still too young to make that a daily realization for herself? I pride my kids for their character. Behavior is key for me as a parent with all three of my children.
By the way, she is homeschooled. I don't do it for gymnastics but because I do not want to put her in public school. So she does get time to rest more then her peers but that isnt part of my thread.