I don't want to see an xxxxxxxxx tear out of that eye! Coach says.

[Muddlethru]

First of, mediator if the implication of that word above is prohibited, please make the necessary correction. Anyway, I had posted a thread about my DD's coach telling her she could win states. She is a L7, 9 yo. Well she fell off beam and scored an 8.9 which clearly put her out of the running for 1st AA. She was very disappointed at herself and also felt she disappointed her coach and her team because everyone was expecting her to do well. So, she sobbed for 15 minutes. I guess her coach tried everything, she was the only one competing from our team in that age group. My husband tried to make her laugh. She had one teammate that tried to console her. But nothing worked. Finally, the coach said the above. I did not know about this until she started to talk to me about it a day later.

I was ready to sweep this under the rug since maybe the coach was truly frustrated already. But thought maybe I should post it at chalk bucket. Well, parents, coaches, gymnasts, what do you think about this comment? Is this cause for concern?

 

[Mariainlv]

Just my 2 cents... I do not curse at my children (or around them, or in any context concerning them) Having said that, if it was a one time, heat of the moment action I might give a pass. A re-occuring theme? Not so much. I will not allow my children to be taught that being cursed at is OK. I have to say though, the coach sounds like he/she needs some frustration coping skills. That sounds an awful lot like a frustrated parent.

 

[bogwoppit]

I edited the title.

If you actually have to ask this question it is because you know the answer. If an adult said that to you would it be okay? No it wouldn't, so why is it okay for a person you pay to take care of your kid to say it. It is verbal abuse and he might as well have slapped her face as the effect is the same. Disgusting idiot.

I don't like tears at meets, and I would prefer that my kids learn to suck it up, but there is no way on this planet that a coach would say that to my kid and see her face in their gym again. He could've sat her on the bench and told her to come back when she felt ready, no need for words like that.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

pitiful....................

 

[Muddlethru]

Like Marianlv, I do not cuss. I have not said a cuss word in decades, even during moments of extreme frustration. And as bogwoppit said, I would not tolerate anyone cussing at my children. However, I did post the thread because the circumstances and what was said has room for interpretation and maybe forgiveness. If the coach outright said "XXXX you, stop crying", that is unforgivable and I would move my daughter out of the gym. But I don't think the coached really cussed at my daughter but used a cuss word out of frustration. I think there is a difference. And as bogwoppit said, if someone cussed at me, I would be very offended but if they used a cuss word while talking to me, I would not. I have friends that use cuss words as adjectives. I don't like hearing it. But I don't take it personally. In any event, of course, it goes without saying that the use of cuss words in any context should not be used in front of children. I am open to more comments in this matter. I just wonder if this outburst is cause for concern or indicative of something more serious.

 

[MaryA]

I think I would have to take it within the context of how the coach treats my daughter (and other teammates) in general. As Bog said, if you're mentioning it here, it probably means that you aleady had some concerns. If this was an out-of-character response from an otherwise warm, supportive, and caring coach, you probably wouldn't have found it worth mentioning here on CB. At the very least, you should have a serious discussion with this coach. Frustrated or not, the coach is still a role model, and should be, among other things, modeling how to behave in a stressful/frustrating situation. Even if I'm wrong and this coach is a model coach in all other ways, he/she still owes your child (and other gymnsats within earshot) an appology and an explanation that he/she handled this situation inappropriately.

 

[gymdog]

Well, if the coach is generally a wonderful, nurturing coach, then I suppose take that into account. But, would you say that in public to your crying child who just had a big disappointment? Take that into account too. Adults should have some self control and sense in dealing with the emotions of a child. It would have been appropriate to excuse her to the bathroom to collect herself. It is not appropriate to say something like that. A 9 year old is still learning to deal with emotional cues, etc, and may not be assertive enough to ask to be excused. I don't think coaches should "try everything" because 9 times out of 10 that just makes the child cry more than if they just went to get a drink and wash their face. I also don't believe in "no crying" rules because in my experience, the pressure just leads to crying, and it's counterproductive.

 

[gym law mom]

Would you tolerate a teacher using that language in the classroom? My guess is you would not. Then why put up with it because she's a coach?

 

[coachmolly]

If history dictates that this was a one time thing done out of anger or frustration, I would take it seriously, but not allow this one situation to be a deal breaker. However, if things like this have happened before, whether in the form of swearing at girls, yelling, intimidation, etc. I would take it a little more seriously and start pursuing other options. In either case, I think I would ask to have a meeting with the coach to make very clear that you do not find that kind of language to be acceptable in any situation. Goodness, I had a kid yell at me for saying "squeeze your butt" because I used a bad word, can't imagine the ramifications if I used anything worse than that!
I know my brother had a swim coach who would sometimes swear at the swimmers for less than adequate performances at meets, but most of these kids were teenagers who CHOSE to be coached by him, out of many local options, because they felt his coaching methods worked well with their personalities, wants, and needs as swimmers. I think that's really different from a 9 year old who really isn't able to interpret those kinds of statements or decide for herself what she needs to be motivated. If I'm remembering correctly, this swim coach was different with the younger kids who were still falling in love with the sport, learning to compete, and learning about goal setting and the benefits of hard work and good preparation.

 

[emorymom]

I would tell your daughter, that she deserves to have adults not use that language around her but on the other hand, we all make mistakes and deserve to be cut some slack once in a while. I'm sure he was tired / under stress too. And perhaps since it was a meet, he had less chance than usual to excuse himself off the floor when he felt he was getting overly frustrated.

He ought not make a habit of it. She is nine.

 

[momocay]

Children can be frustrating. When you are frustrated, do you speak to her that way? There is your answer.

 

[gymjoy]

Children can be frustrating. When you are frustrated, do you speak to her that way? There is your answer.

Actually, a few times I have been tired and frustrated enough around my children to not have the sense to censor my speech. I'm not a saint, and I will not pretend to be one. I will apologize and explain to my children that most of us use bad words at times. It is not right, it should not be a habit - but it does happen.

Dd once had her Russian dance coach snap her with a towel out of frustration. Dd had a nice red welt on her leg. I was surprised to hear he did this, but, while dd was not happy with it, she rationalized that he was very frustrated because most of the girls were goofing off - she was just the closest (and not goofing off, by the way. She loved this coach!) The next day he apologized to my dd and to me. Once he had calmed down, he realized what he had done and was horrified. It was a mistake: one he never repeated.
I hope it is the same for this coach. I do not condone what he did, but I would talk to him before running out the door on this one.

 

[pinkgiraffe1594]

Whether or not he personally apologizes to you and your DD will be a very good judge of his character.

 

[Aussie_coach]

Not on the language side, but the tears side. Many gyms around here have the rule that if a gymnast cries at a competition for any reason she is removed from the competition and sent home.

I, personally, don't agree with it, and am not too bothered by a few tears. But many clubs feel very strongly about this.

 

[sierramadre]

the owner of our gym is a fairly gruff guy. i'm not sure about that language exactly, but he definitely has colorful speech. fact is, he's a hall of famer, and everyone just accepts that is who he is. and he doesn't like crying. kids aren't even allowed to cry at practice.

 

[gymcoach34]

Whether or not he personally apologizes to you and your DD will be a very good judge of his character.

I agree-if there is an apology w/ an explanation to your DD that the type of language used wa snot appropriate and will not happen again-I might let this one slide ONCE. I'm assuming this word started w "F"? That word (especially towards a CHILD!) is not ok, necessary and should not happen-EVER!

 

[Linsul]

If child tears and frustration work a coach to the point of swearing at a kid, they're in the wrong line of work. How ignorant do you have to be to let that get a rise out of you? Email this as a wall of text kidsarekidskidsarekidsarekidsarekids and sign off: Deal with it like an adult

Ok don't really do that, but it felt good to type. Was it the 'F' bomb that was dropped?

 

[Deleted member D3987]

counting the asterisks i get god****ed

 

[bogwoppit]

It was the f bomb. I swear, I am British, but I would never direct that word at a kid.

 

[gymdog]

Meets can be stressful, but generally I would say it's less stressful than being a parent. It's not like you can give your kids back; the gymnastics coach essentially can. Ultimately any situation reflects more on parents as well so there is stress in that. If you would generally expect more from yourself (regardless of whether you sometimes slip) then that's even more reason to expect more from a coach. If he is really stressed out to the point of this behavior, he could simply ask your daughter to go sit with you for some time or something.

Obviously how he handles it and learns from it is key. I'm not saying burn the guy at the stake. It is probable that due to your daughter's level and young age he is more used to working with older kids. If it were me, I would make it clear that next time if he finds her behavior unsatisfactory he should send her to you and you will handle it. Hopefully he will reconsider some better techniques to make that unnecessary, but ultimately if it is that much of a problem he needs to remove himself from the situation.