Parents Is parental jealousy for real?

[wgymmom]

We are about to go into our fourth meet season with this gym. Coaching/head coaches have changed several times. DD is not a super phenom by any means, but has consistently been a top scorer. Has never skipped a level and is not likely to ever skip a level. Not TOPS, not elite. Is not super young. Current HC has noticed her BUT - she does not get any privates OR special attention at all. We do NOT talk to other people about our gymnast, we do not push for extra attention, we do not brag, we almost never go to practice at all.

Parents are extremely aloof. We go to events, go to fundraisers, participate, move tables, bake cookies, send encouraging emails and texts, congratulate parents/gymnasts, cheer for every single gymnast at the gym. As compulsories, we have attended optional meets, as optionals, we have attended compulsory meets. I really don't feel like there's much more we can do and I'm feeling incredibly fed up and upset.

I find it almost beyond belief that people could be jealous, but we're not seeing any other explanation whatsoever. Do grownups really act like this?

 

[MILgymFAM]

Our experience has been similar. People just aren't overly friendly. I know it's not jealousy as my DD is probably one of the worst on the the team. I think it's just gym culture here. No one seems very chummy with anyone else at all, with only a couple of exceptions. It carries to the girls too, I think.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

Parents are an interesting breed.

And yes grown ups really act like that, where do you think kids get it from. But over all I find the kids cooler then the parents.

Had my own issues at a meet today about what group my kid was placed in.

Really all she and we care about is how she did (2 season best so far yeah for her). The other stuff, is other folks problems.

This is why I spend as little time possible in the gym

 

[wgymmom]

Parents are an interesting breed.

And yes grown ups really act like that, where do you think kids get it from. But over all I find the kids cooler then the parents.

Had my own issues at a meet today about what group my kid was placed in.

Really all she and we care about is how she did (2 season best so far yeah for her). The other stuff, is other folks problems.

This is why I spend as little time possible in the gym

DD doesn't always feel like she fits in with her training group, but at least they talk to her and include her for the most part. So yeah, the kids are better than the parents. SMH.

 

[balletmom42]

Wow. Parents can be jerks. As a "dance mom" I saw this happen as well. Cliques form, jealousy, backstabbing...

At ballet parents used to keep track of the minutes the teacher spent with their child, giving corrections.

So far, none of this at my grand daughter's gym! All the parents seem to get along and work together for the team.

 

[RTT2]

Do they just treat you this way, or is there generally not much camaraderie among the parents?

 

[wgymmom]

Do they just treat you this way, or is there generally not much camaraderie among the parents?

It's us. Seemingly everyone else will sit together and chat - at meetings, at meets, parties, etc.

 

[B.Gold]

I'm sorry you feel like you're being isolated. Don't take it personally. People put up walls for a reason, and it likely has nothing to do with you. After nearly 15 years at my dds gym, with several years left, I'm done making friends. I used to make it my personal responsibility to help new parents feel welcomed to the "training group" group. In my case, it has nothing to do with jealousy. It's just easier and less painful. You actually might be better off.

 

[QueenBee]

I guess I can see it from both perspectives. It's fun when you can get along and make friends with the other parents from your child's activities. However, as long as people are civil and polite (even if aloof) just try to remember it is your child's activity and not your social group.

At this point, while I try to be polite to other families & gymnasts at our gym - I'm not looking for anything else. Over the years I have made friends with some of the parents of my child's gym friends (those she see outside the gym) but for the most part, I am a "smile and wave at drop off" kind of parent. Especially now that my daughter is an optional. And we have seen so many families come and go, at this point - unless a child becomes good friends with my child - I don't have the time to try to get to know the family and try to make friends.

Are people being actively rude and unwelcoming or are they just not interested in making friends? Gymnastics is great in the ways that many diverse kinds of families may come together over that shared interest, but you may also have nothing in common with other families except gymnastics. There are families at our gym who I want nothing to do with (the crazies), and those I have nothing in common with. But all are nice enough with enough distance and/or lack of interaction.

I volunteer, donate, cheer for all gymnasts at meets, etc but my life does not revolve around the gym. That is my daughter's place and we support her but it is not mine.

I would doubt that the base reason for any of the behavior you have described would be jealousy. Unless your daughter is a super star and you know others are talking about her like "she's so good, wow!", I think it is probably more likely that you are just at a gym populated by families who are not "your people". It could just be the gym culture (unless everyone else is good friends and always together and you are the only family left out), in which case it might be time to figure out if you can deal with that gym culture or if it bothers you enough to find a new gym.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

I would doubt that the base reason for any of the behavior you have described would be jealousy. .

That is either lucky or naïve. I can assure you jealous parents exist.

 

[wgymmom]

Okay, the group we were with last competition season - say, 6 girls. The parents of those girls would sit together and socialize, but not speak to us. We made a point to cheer for each of them, yet nobody would cheer for our gymnast.

We went to the gym for an all-team parent meeting. Everybody was sitting with somebody. DH and I sat down at a table with 5 chairs. Like we had a disease. Not one other chair at that table was used - while people were jammed together on a bench 3 feet away.

I am not trying to think too highly of my daughter, which is why this feels so strange, but actually they do make comments about her series or floor routines from practice. I had a lower level parent that I'd never seen before say "Oh you're ______'s mom? Well, she's so good."

I am seriously NOT trying to be a jerk, but we've really gone out of our way to try and be nice to everyone, yet we get treated like we have the plague.

 

[wgymmom]

Every time we have been there for meets, meetings, gatherings, practices, I do my best to make eye contact and smile at people, and they basically just look away.

 

[QueenBee]

That is either lucky or naïve. I can assure you jealous parents exist.

No, I just thought the people treating wgymmom like that don't like her/don't want to get to know her for whatever reason they might have of which jealously is way down the list. It probably has nothing to do with her daughter and/or her daughter's gymnastics at all. Not naive and not lucky. We have plenty of jealous parents, plenty of delusional ones, plenty of drama over the years at the gym. And there are plenty of families I give a wide berth to for either/both reasons. There are also parents/families/gymnasts I don't like "just because".

But I am still friendly enough with 99.9% of the families I know in the gym to do the smile and wave (10 minutes at pick up and drop off - more time if there is an event). New families I usually just ignore because it isn't worth spending the limited time I am in the gym trying to get to know people who will probably not be there next year or aren't in my daughter's training group/level.

Wgymmom, it sounds really awkward/uncomfortable the more you describe it. Has your daughter made friends with any girls on the team that she sees outside the gym? Have you done team activities outside the gym with your just the girls/families of your level? Are there any families you think you would like to socially with? If you are trying to change the atmosphere for you, you might have to figure out what family and/or gymnast you would like to befriend and try to do more one-on-one stuff to make the connections you haven't made already.

Maybe have the girls over to make christmas cookies or something totally not gym related. As I said, we made friends with the parents of our daughter's friends who she wanted to see outside the gym. Everyone else - teammate during practice and competition - and that's it.

 

[wgymmom]

We are friendly with one family who goes to the same church as us, but the girl is a couple of levels behind ours, so socializing is minimal.

Another girl whose parents have been sort of decent is also a few levels behind. I thought I was gaining some kind of rapport with the mom as we were exchanging emails a couple of months ago, but she stopped responding completely (the last thing I sent was open ended). I loaned her a book; she still has it. She runs one particular fundraiser that we've gone out of our way to help with. We got a totally impersonal notification for the last event, recently.


When the new HC arrived, he had a workout for all the team girls before he started. I think a lot of the parents stayed for it so they could meet him too. It was a big "thing" because this is a big coach. He pulled our daughter out of the back and said she was "too good" to be in the back and started using her as the demo gymnast.

That probably didn't help things, did it?

 

[Gymmom826]

We are about to go into our fourth meet season with this gym. Coaching/head coaches have changed several times. DD is not a super phenom by any means, but has consistently been a top scorer. Has never skipped a level and is not likely to ever skip a level. Not TOPS, not elite. Is not super young. Current HC has noticed her BUT - she does not get any privates OR special attention at all. We do NOT talk to other people about our gymnast, we do not push for extra attention, we do not brag, we almost never go to practice at all.

Parents are extremely aloof. We go to events, go to fundraisers, participate, move tables, bake cookies, send encouraging emails and texts, congratulate parents/gymnasts, cheer for every single gymnast at the gym. As compulsories, we have attended optional meets, as optionals, we have attended compulsory meets. I really don't feel like there's much more we can do and I'm feeling incredibly fed up and upset.

I find it almost beyond belief that people could be jealous, but we're not seeing any other explanation whatsoever. Do grownups really act like this?

Yes they do. Unfortunately. I've had the same experience. Cliques and talk. They actually whisper when I'm the only person there. Very rude. I try to stay away as much as I can. There is so much jealousy because my dd is good. They will not clap for her at meets at all. My dd is very quiet and doesn't say much of anything, but she actually told me a parent made a mean face at her at a meet. The parents are so immature. I heard it gets better as they move up in level though.

 

[GymmieC]

Idk...but jealousy of any kind can be broken down. I am not trying to judge, but from your posts it does sound a little bit like you are bragging about your daughter . We all brag, I get it. But sometimes it's the "air" that comes with the bragging that troubles some.
At DD'S gym troubles among parents are not altogether seen because people are genuine. The elite gymnast has everyone rooting for her, and she and her parents root for all.
I guess what I am trying to say is be more reflective of your behavior. If you are truly genuine, it will be duly noted. Don't over think the behavior of others. Sometimes that creates the negative air the rubs people the wrong way. I hope this all makes sense.

 

[Taurus]

Yep to the above- you're prob in the sticky situation of being a parent of the "special" one- at least for right now... and (you sound like you know it) - which is cool, but my guess is you're still in level 3-5 - all will most likely change - seems to me, the top girl changes from season to season- if you are in for the long-haul, dial down a bit about your little button & instead try to interact w/ the parents by other things you may have in common rather than the gym- you may just find a new friend for yourself

 

[flowerchild]

I definitely think it is gym culture. And it comes from gym owner/ head coach. If the owner and coaches allow cliques and unfriendliness amongst the girls, you will see it amongst the parents. If the culture is one of acceptance and team building, it will extend to the parents, as well.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

We are about to go into our fourth meet season with this gym. Coaching/head coaches have changed several times. DD is not a super phenom by any means, but has consistently been a top scorer. Has never skipped a level and is not likely to ever skip a level. Not TOPS, not elite. Is not super young. Current HC has noticed her BUT - she does not get any privates OR special attention at all. We do NOT talk to other people about our gymnast, we do not push for extra attention, we do not brag, we almost never go to practice at all.

Parents are extremely aloof. We go to events, go to fundraisers, participate, move tables, bake cookies, send encouraging emails and texts, congratulate parents/gymnasts, cheer for every single gymnast at the gym. As compulsories, we have attended optional meets, as optionals, we have attended compulsory meets. I really don't feel like there's much more we can do and I'm feeling incredibly fed up and upset.

I find it almost beyond belief that people could be jealous, but we're not seeing any other explanation whatsoever. Do grownups really act like this?

yes, they do. and all over the country.

 

[needcoffee]

We have nothing like that at our gym. All the parents are AWESOME. I love our bunch!

I am currently jealous of anyone who has a pain-free kid at the moment though.