Parents Meet stage fright

[ollieblueeyes]

Good Morning!

Meet 2 is in two weeks and both girls skills are progressing nicely. DD2 (7yrs) has advanced a training group and can not wait for the meet. Both girls are on the development team so the meets are very low-key inhouse affairs.

DD1 (10 yrs) has informed me that she does not want to do the meet at all. She said she is very scared to perform infront of people. If you remeber correctly at the last meet I mentioned she was absolutley miserable looking and did not perform to what she has achieved in practice. I asked her if she discussed this with her coaches and she told me no....'They are mean and only want to point out what she is doing wrong'..... Quite frankly I know this is not accurate because I have seen them giving positive feedback during practices. Is this something I should bring to the coaches attention? I am sure she is not the first girl to have this issue.

I thought about getting her the Dr. Ali podcast, but I am unsure if it is applicable to her age/level and if it addresses stage fright. She is not fearful of learning new skills at practice. My husband thinks it may be making too big of a deal of the stage fright. That the podcast may enforce the behaviour in some way. He feels she will just get over it in time.

DD1 has said she would prefer to be sick that go to a meet and mentioned quitting all together rather than continuing the meets. She is quite stubborn (and dramatic) and will dig her heels in just to 'win' on any given issue. I would hate for her to end up quitting gymnastics (something I truly believe she loves) because she wanted to be 'right' that she really is to scard to compete.

Any thoughts would be appreciated!

Thanks.

 

[ARKGYMMOM]

IMHO try to have her finish what she has started and explain to her that you should not quit on your team in the middle of the season. I know it is just in house but that way it won't bleed into another sport in the future. If after the meet season is over and she still wants to quit then by all means let her try something new. Been there and done that that with my oldest DD and she pretty much has the same issue with being the center of attention. She is now involved in two other sports that she does not have to do alone.

 

[ollieblueeyes]

Hmmm. Just typed a response and don't know where it went!

I don't think she really wants to quit. I think that is her way of communicating just how scared she is at meets. She really loves gymnastics up to the meet part. She loves working out (even conditioning), learning new skills and practicing her routines. She is constantly doing gymnastics 24X7. I an unsure if she would be able to get the same thrill from a non-competitive program.

She is actually a late starter to gymnastics. She has played soccer (3 yrs), basketball (1 yr) and swam (4 yrs). We held off on gymnastics because she is ADHD and we thought it would not be a good fit for her. She begged for several years and we finally signed her up for rec classes in 2010. It turns out we were wrong and she is extremely focused and does not show her ADHD symptoms at gymnastics.

I am just hoping to find ways to ease her fear at meets. Is this a 10 yr old thing that she would encouter regardless of activity?

 

[NGL780309]

I have terrible stage fright. I was a musician and it was a huge struggle. I'd pretty much rather do anything than play in front of people. If she really feels that way and does not enjoy performing in front of people, I wouldn't press the issue. My parents and teachers would always tell me that it would get better as I got older, but that wasn't true. I loved practicing and getting better, but hated auditions and performances. I was okay playing with a large group, just not comfortable being a soloist. So maybe it would be better to have her continue in gymnastics without competing or find a group activity that uses gymnastics. Having dealt with stage fright the worst thing is having someone tell you it isn't a big deal. Then you are scared of performing and also feel gulity and stupid for having stage fright to begin with. I wouldn't push her to do it.

 

[bogwoppit]

I have terrible stage fright. I was a musician and it was a huge struggle. I'd pretty much rather do anything than play in front of people. If she really feels that way and does not enjoy performing in front of people, I wouldn't press the issue. My parents and teachers would always tell me that it would get better as I got older, but that wasn't true. I loved practicing and getting better, but hated auditions and performances. I was okay playing with a large group, just not comfortable being a soloist. So maybe it would be better to have her continue in gymnastics without competing or find a group activity that uses gymnastics. Having dealt with stage fright the worst thing is having someone tell you it isn't a big deal. Then you are scared of performing and also feel gulity and stupid for having stage fright to begin with. I wouldn't push her to do it.

I agree 100%, forcing her to compete will not have any kind of positive outcome. Some people just are not performers. We had a lovely gymnast at our club, great skills, fun personality but she had a complete terror of meets. So she stopped, moved on and is very happy doing other things.

The notion that people need to learn how to perform isn't one I would inflict on my kids. Gymnastics is not obligatory, neither is competing. The more pressure that is piled on her, the worse she will feel.

 

[gym law mom]

I agree with Bog. Forcing her out there in a meet probably won't accomplish anything. She did 1 meet and apparently didn't like it. She may be more comfortable in sports where she is part of a team--you mentioned soccer and basketball---and not out there by herself. I would talk casually with her coaches and see if they have any ideas or will talk with her. Would she consider doing only 1-2 events and not all??

 

[ollieblueeyes]

I think assuming we are forcing her to compete is a stretch. This is something she has wanted for a while. Because she has met a tough spot, she is resisting.

I am curious. How old were you and how was your stage fright manifested? Did your parents try to find ways to help you cope or were you thrown out there to fend for yourself? I don't necessarily agree w/my husband's view that we should ignore, that's why I am posting here. I think as parents we should not be letting kids back down from things at the first sign of adversity. As it happens my child is challenged not so much the physical aspect of gymnastics, but by the mental. I just want to give her tools to try before we let her fear overcome her. If I was posting about my daughter's inability to complete a ROBHS at her first meet would you recommend that I let her quit? Is mental training and conditioning so different than physical?

 

[JennyJones]

my daughter has same problem

my daughter also has much anxiety...cries at meets. But when I talked more to her about it, it's only because of the bars. She's won a few meets on the floor. You might want to find more about what events are giving her problems - and perhaps do some privates to build confidence.

I always have a pep talk with her...I let her know that it's just a meet...if she does well, that's great, if not, in a few days, nobody's going to remember. I also try the technique of having her picture the judges in the underwear...she always laughs at that which helps her relax.

 

[GymnastJoy]

I do not have any experience with stage fright nor obviously do I know your dd. But are you certain that is her issue with meets? You posted that she thinks her coaches are mean because of them telling her what she does wrong (paraphrased). It seems that is what competing at meets comes down to- scores based on what you have done wrong in your routines. As a child I personally could have never put myself out there like that to me judged and I was comfortable in front of an audience. Perhaps dig deeper (if you haven't already) about what specifically she didn't like at the last meet. And could her ADHD come into play with this?

 

[bogwoppit]

I don't know how to compare not getting a bhs at a first meet to a child saying she does not want to compete at a meet. They are on such different planes in my mind.

Mental toughness training is an interesting concept, Doc Ali has all sorts of advice. But if a child just doesn't want to perform publicly, I just do not see the benefit of forcing the issue.

I have three kids, one is a total performer, she left gym as she was done with beam, she moved on to cheer and loves to perform.

Middle kid was a great gymnast in the gym, but performing was not her thing though she loved gym. We never id many meets so she stayed with gym until injury forced her to stop. She is a leader in school and in community events, but these do not involve a Leo or being judged by strangers.

My third child is probably on the ADD spectrum, never tested, but issues for sure, he would never perform in public. He has had all the opportunities the two others have had, but is happy and successful doing his thing his way.

For me the bigger question is why is it so important to you that she competes? Do you think she really does want to compete? Do you think that this mental block comes from other gym issues?

When is it okay to let a kid walk away from something that they really don't want to do? I have pondered this one often over the years. How much lesson learning is needed? I have pondered this one too.

 

[ollieblueeyes]

It's not so much about competing specifically.....

First, she is really enjoying learning the harder skills. She is all about the next biggest thing. She is just getting her ROBHS and she is working on back tucks whenever given a few free minutes at practice. It is my understanding (which could be incorrect) that she has topped out in gymnastics at the rec level and we will not be able to find something that would interest her.

Second, I don't think she has really wrapped her head around what is causing her fear. I wonder if it's a chicken and egg thing. She was worried that she would not do well so she was tense and nervous so she did not do well. I don't think one meet where she set impossibly high goals for herself and then she forgot part of her routine should be the basis of her decision. The gym has another type of meet that is similar to TOPS testing that she said she has no trouble particpating in. She walks into that meet confident that she will do well and she does. This could all be based in a lack of confidence with her routines. Build the confidence and voila, the fear is gone.

Third, I think mild stage fright is a fear that should be worked thru. I grew up with a father afraid of many things that are somewhat limiting in life. I carried many of those fears as well and I am trying to help my girls work thru fears so that they can fully participate in life. I don't think she would have said a word to me about it, but I asked because she looked so miserable.

So it's not necessarily about the competition, I just want to see if this is something that can be worked thru or not. I would like to see her conquer her fear and succeed. I would like to see her have what she considers a successful meet and then see if she still does not like competing. We let her quit playing the other sports becuase she decided she did not like them anymore regardless of her level of success. But she clearly did not enjoy what she was doing practices or games.

Does that make sense? I trully want to do what is best for her. She is that girl who wants to sign up for extra practices/clinics so that she can learn new stuff now, not next week. I don't think I should let her throw in the towel just yet.

As far as the person that recommeded privates. She has actually gone to a few clinics and really brushed up her skills. She will be going in this meet w/stronger skills. I am just trying to find a way for her to relax and stop letting her head get the best of her.

 

[bogwoppit]

So then maybe exploring the fear of competing is the way to go. Is there a sports psychologist available or can you afford a one on one with Dr Ali? Sadly the gymnastics mind game is often more important than the gymnastics physical abilities.

Does she want to work on being less afraid of meets, or does she just want to stop competing?

I agree that it is hard when they top out in the rec levels. My youngest went into a rec gym class, for ex team gymmies, when she stopped competing. But many gym's do not offer that. What about cheer or acro. My dd is loving cheer, though I thnk it is kind of UGH!

 

[Playgrounders]

Sports psychologist

I think the recommendation of seeing a sports psych for one or two sessions is a great idea. I totally understand where you're coming from and your motivation in trying to find a solution to your daughter's stage fright. The goal here (and correct me if I'm wrong) is to help your daughter overcome her fears, which will keep her in good stead in any future endeavor. When she succeeds, she will forever remember "that time when I was scared to perform my beam routine in front of judges" each time something scares her.

I wish you and DD1 the very best of luck. If you go the sports psych route, I hope you find someone experienced, knowledgeable and gentle.

 

[NGL780309]

I think assuming we are forcing her to compete is a stretch. This is something she has wanted for a while. Because she has met a tough spot, she is resisting.

I am curious. How old were you and how was your stage fright manifested? Did your parents try to find ways to help you cope or were you thrown out there to fend for yourself? I don't necessarily agree w/my husband's view that we should ignore, that's why I am posting here. I think as parents we should not be letting kids back down from things at the first sign of adversity. As it happens my child is challenged not so much the physical aspect of gymnastics, but by the mental. I just want to give her tools to try before we let her fear overcome her. If I was posting about my daughter's inability to complete a ROBHS at her first meet would you recommend that I let her quit? Is mental training and conditioning so different than physical?

I wasn't at all suggesting that you were forcing her to compete. I was only saying that if she comes to you and says she doesn't want to compete, I would say okay no problem as a parent and not try to push her into doing it. She's 10 years old and that is old enough in my opinion to truly express her opinion. She can still do gymnastics and not compete. Gymnastics is not that important. There are many other great sports out there. My gymnast DD was 3 when she did her first ballet recital and she was terrified. I had to promise her a treat if she would just go out there and try. Because at that age she was afraid of the unknown. Since then she has no problem performing in front of groups. Don't ask her to speak to anyone because she is so shy. She is actually more comfortable performing than speaking to people.

With regards to my stage fright, it happenned as soon as I started having to perform. I was always a shy child and I thought the two were related, but like I said my DD is shy, but has no problem performing. I was about 11 the first time I performed and I was so nervous and did really bad because I was nervous. I was a very talented musician and managed to do well despite my stage fright. I went to college on a full music scholarship and made a living as a professional musician. Through my teens I struggled and dreaded any type of performance or audition. I had a lot of frustration too because I could never perform up to what was my true ability. I still did well, but it was so frustrating to work so hard and practice hours a day and then never be able to perform in the moment that was important. When I was about 16 one of my teachers finally recognized that I did indeed have a true problem with stage fright. He recommended getting medication to help. It was not uncommon among professional musicians to take medication for stage fright. It helped a lot with the physical symptoms such as my hands shaking which made it almost impossible to play my instrument, but it didn't make me feel normal. I'm not suggesting this for your child, just telling you what I did. I tried everything else recommended by my teachers and nothing ever helped. I read every book, saw a psychologist etc.

One of the ways I dealt with stage fright was over practicing. The more I practiced the more confident I would feel in performing and I hoped that would minimize my chances of crashing and burning when the stage fright would take over. Because I loved practicing, this was not a problem. You can never practice too much right? My 2nd semester in college I develped tendonitis in both of my hands. It doesn't sound like that would be so bad, but it was extremely painful. I couldn't write, squeeze shampoo bottles, turn door knobs, much less play my instrument. I ended up having to stop playing for 9 months to heal. Then I jumped right back into practicing insane amounts and it came right back within a few weeks. I continued to struggle with repetitive stress injuries for the remainder of my time in college and as a professional.

I eventually quit performing and my life is much happier. It was very stressful for me and I hated performing, even though I loved playing. I had a moment where I was peforming with an opera orchestra and had a solo and I remember the dread and the sick feelings and just deciding right there that I was done. Best day ever! Now I'm a music teacher and I love it.

It just really struck me that you said your daughter said she wished she were sick so she didn't have to go to her meet. That's exactly how I would feel about performances or auditions. Ugh, I'm feeling anxiety just thinking about it.

If this were my child, I'd perhaps have her finish up whatever meets she has committed to and then make a choice if she wants to continue. She's old enough to make that decision. My parents never made me continue. They didn't care one way or the other. I continued because I liked it and then at some point I continued because I felt like I had invested my entire teen years and I was also really good, so I felt like I had to keep going.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

and you stated that she is only 7. give it a rest until next year. it's just not that important in the big picture. has nothing to do with giving up, not being mentally tough and all that. she just may not be emotionally mature enough just yet. no big deal.

 

[NGL780309]

I'm replying again because I didn't read your other responses before I responded lol.

I don't recall how she did at her first meet, but maybe being her first meet she was not quite prepared and it is more of a confidence issue. So I'd give it some time and maybe once her skills are stronger she will feel better about competing.

If she doesn't, I just think life is too short to spend it doing things that make you feel stressed. There are enough things we HAVE to do, without doing things that make us feel unhappy intentionally. Being good at something and loving it, doesn't mean we have to do it in a competitive nature.

 

[bogwoppit]

Oh I didn't see the bit about her being 7, if that is the case then please do not venture into sports psychologists and all that. Just let her be for now. She can do rec and some other sports/activities.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

ooops...my bad. she's 10. still no big deal as long as her gymnastics keeps progressing. emotional maturity does not hit everyone at the same time.

 

[ollieblueeyes]

Yes,she's 10. But the maturity thing may have it spot on. The ADHD absolutely plays into this. I think I will walk her thru what her actual fear are going in to the meet. Talk about them, what is her biggest fear and how that impacts her later like someone mentioned previously. Maybe just vocalizing things that could happen and how to fix may work too. I think I will also ask her to focus on her breathing when she feels the nerves acting up.....If she is focused on that maybe her nerves will not get the best of her.

Should I assume her coaches have observed her behaviour? Is there any value to bringing it to thier attention?

Also, I agree with you on the 'rather be sick then compete' being a concern. That's exactly what made me want to look a little deeper at this situation.





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[gym law mom]

Yes, her coaches should be brought into the loop. See if you can break the 1st meet down--how did she feel doing vault, did anything upset her on bars etc. That might give you a better idea of what she is upset about and why she would rather "be sick" than do a meet(in her own gym?). She might be upset with the events where she forgot the routines, but ok with doing the others. If she says it all was too much and she doesnt' see any way she can cope with it then like others have said, back off from doing meets right now. Its not worth her being stressed and upset about.
Others have mentioned trying cheer. Is there a tramp/tumbling program at her gym or nearby? That might also be something she would enjoy.