WAG Not reaching potential -- she should leave?

[gymdog]

You need to write back exactly what you told us and tell them that dd still loves it but you understand if her lack of focus leads her to repeat a level or compete Xcel, but you would like to keep her in gymnastics. First, make sure it's true that DD still wants to go.

From the coaching side, there are occasionally kids who come and seemingly don't want to be there. At some point it is professional to check with the parent instead of wasting their money or time. Maybe it could have been delivered better but actually it seems like they were straightforward with you.

 

[Amusibus]

What bothers me about this conversation is everyone saying about how there needs to be a discussion with your daughter about hard work and commitment...honestly, with ADHD, kids often WANT to do better and just can't. Goofing off/spacing out is not necessarily a sign of not loving it or not being committed. I mean, definitely talk to your daughter and make sure she does truly love it and does truly want to do better. But if it were my kid, and she really loved it and was committed, the first thing I would do would be make an appointment to see the doctor who oversees the ADHD meds. Very likely the meds need to be adjusted. This exact thing has happened to us. My 9yr old ADHD gymnast daughter started her year with complaints from both her coach and her school teacher. She went from "she basically does not do any work unless someone is constantly on her reminding her"- to "we are all absolutely amazed at her focus and ability and have no complaints whatsoever". Changing her meds also made her start getting straight A's for the first time in her life-the same kid who was retained for summer school the previous year due to major delays in reading and writing. Seriously, meds are a HUGE issue and can make all the difference in the world.

 

[raenndrops]

What bothers me about this conversation is everyone saying about how there needs to be a discussion with your daughter about hard work and commitment...honestly, with ADHD, kids often WANT to do better and just can't. Goofing off/spacing out is not necessarily a sign of not loving it or not being committed. I mean, definitely talk to your daughter and make sure she does truly love it and does truly want to do better. But if it were my kid, and she really loved it and was committed, the first thing I would do would be make an appointment to see the doctor who oversees the ADHD meds. Very likely the meds need to be adjusted. This exact thing has happened to us. My 9yr old ADHD gymnast daughter started her year with complaints from both her coach and her school teacher. She went from "she basically does not do any work unless someone is constantly on her reminding her"- to "we are all absolutely amazed at her focus and ability and have no complaints whatsoever". Changing her meds also made her start getting straight A's for the first time in her life-the same kid who was retained for summer school the previous year due to major delays in reading and writing. Seriously, meds are a HUGE issue and can make all the difference in the world.

That was what I was going to suggest. We have a gymnast with ADHD - medicated... and she had to add an evening pill to her regimen because the meds were wearing off and she couldn't stay focused (and would be so wired by bedtime that she was bouncing off the walls). With the adjustment of meds, she is doing much better.

 

[Deleted member 14190]

(according to your own words). She doesn't work hard and uses injuries possibly as an excuse, Yes? Well,,,,, That usually means, "I don't want to do this anymore, but I don't wan't to quit either".... So,,,,, It was fun,,, time to move on.

 

[coachmolly]

I have a kid who struggles with focus. Parents have been working on it at home, kid acknowledges she struggles in this area (she is 8), we are always in some kind of trial and error process to figure out what works with her and getting her to slow down and not rush through assignments, but she's getting better. It's slow going, but it's happening. Could she be much farther ahead than she is at the moment? Absolutely! Am I going to make her life miserable or make her feel badly about herself to get there? Absolutely not. I want to help her learn skills to slow down, focus, and give her best effort every time because it's good in the gym and good elsewhere, but it is probably going to look different than what the other kids show. I have another issue that effects focus which plagued me terribly as a gymnast. I wanted to do well, but got in my own way and coaches got mad. I loved gymnastics and wanted it more than most of my teammates, but had a glitch that prevented me from doing my absolute best. Still, gymnastics was a place for me where I could at least be more successful than I was in school, and I needed it. So if I have a kid who struggles with focus, I'll work with them, provided they are not disrupting the team in some way and they actually want to be there.
I think the injury issue would be more of a red flag with your DD than the focus, does she want to be doing gymnastics? She is old enough that you can ask her, let her know you won't be upset either way. Let her know that Xcel could be an option if she wants to still do gym with less pressure and commitment. Discuss that her work ethic and behavior in the gym will have consequences- sitting out or not giving her best will result in her getting farther behind her teammates while working her hardest each time will help her get stronger and progress more quickly.
Perhaps the coaches are using this as a means to ask for your help? Input on what will help her participate to the best of her ability. It is a huge help to me as a coach to hear from parents what works well for their child and helps her to focus. Maybe you and your daughter can work together to create a list of ways the coach can help her, as well as things she can do to help her better focus. Having a team behind her working for the same goal will only help her in the long run.

 

[mommyof1]

I think the injury issue would be more of a red flag with your DD than the focus, does she want to be doing gymnastics?

This is a very important point. Of course, if her ADHD meds need to be adjusted, then the focus issues may not be within her voluntary control. But repeatedly claiming injury is a deliberate behavior that signals that she doesn't want to be there.

 

[Ali'sMom]

This is a very important point. Of course, if her ADHD meds need to be adjusted, then the focus issues may not be within her voluntary control. But repeatedly claiming injury is a deliberate behavior that signals that she doesn't want to be there.

We had a phase when DD had stomach aches, "injuries", etc. and was using excuses. It wasn't that she didn't want to be there, but the skills were getting harder, and she was feeling defeated and embarrassed, and she didn't want to "keep failing". It was also a time in her life (11 years old) that she shied away (or at least TRIED to) from anything that she couldn't do "perfectly".

Maybe your DD still enjoys it, but since the skills are coming harder, and this coach likes winning, maybe she's feeling the same way. If there is a less competitive gym, or if Xcel in your area is a little less stringent, I would definitely give it a try - it might become fun for her again.

 

[BachFlyer]

This is a very important point. Of course, if her ADHD meds need to be adjusted, then the focus issues may not be within her voluntary control. But repeatedly claiming injury is a deliberate behavior that signals that she doesn't want to be there.

Maybe the focus issues she's having are CAUSING her to not want to be there. This was the case with my niece who had ADHD, it wasn't exactly that she didn't like school or want to be there, but her difficulty focusing and excelling in school (especially as she got older and continued to compare herself to her peers) was frustrating for her and caused her to give up and act out.
There could also be other reasons that she "doesn't want to be there" - maybe she is sensing the coaches don't feel like she is excelling, maybe they are yelling at her, maybe a team mate is teasing her? It's hard to say without asking her, but I've found with my youngest that she "check outs" when she doesn't know HOW to handle a situation and needs some tools. Doesn't necessary mean she doesn't care, in fact, maybe she cares too much in a way.

 

[Anna's_Mom]

Update... So I had the coach call me so we could talk rather than trade potentially misunderstood emails. He isn't asking her to quit, which is good to know. He confirmed that she isn't causing distractions or safety issues for other team members, which is good. Nor is her being on the team keeping other kids out. And her lack of focus isn't costing lost coaching time for other, more committed girls. All of which were important for me to know before figuring out the next move. I wouldn't consider continuing if her behavior was an issue for anyone but herself, beyond frustrating the coaches.

Mostly he wanted me to know that she clearly isn't putting in 100% and she is avoiding working on skills that are hard for her. Since we are about to commit for the next year, he thought it would be good for us to have an honest conversation with her about her level of interest/commitment before deciding to continue (and pay the year's meet fees etc, about $1,000). Which is actually very nice of him, I agree.

I do think that med adjustments are necessary since we got similar feedback from classroom teachers recently. But equally clear is that it isn't JUST meds -- she is at a point where she needs to commit to working hard all the time or exit the team. I'd love to see her learn how to persevere and work to achieve something -- it's a life lesson she needs. But if she isn't willing to try, then I'm also not willing to continue shelling out money. There are other options, including Xcel (at the Y, her gym doesn't offer it), going back to just rec (at the current gym) or moving on entirely and concentrating on singing and theater (other interests of hers right now).

However, she is right in the middle of exams this week, so I told the coach I won't even discuss this until the weekend. (Why do these things always hit during the highest stress of the year???) So, we'll see what she has to say and go from there.

Thank you all for your honest thoughts and feedback. You helped me clarify what is important to consider and the information I needed to be sure I gathered.

 

[MeetDirector]

Anna's Mom -

Good Job!! As I have said for years, a person-to-person conversation is WAY better than an electronic form. You got a lot of questions answered in what sounds like a very productive and honest phone discussion. Kudos to the coach as well for being open and honest with you.

Now you come to the really tough part - having the discussion with your daughter. I have confidence that everything will come out for the best in the end; hang in there as the ride can still get bumpy.

Good Luck.

 

[sce]

Great update. Sounds like you have a clear picture of the coach's perspective and can proceed with talking with your dd to see what she wants and is willing to commit to.

 

[Ali'sMom]

Sounds like a good conversation! I'm glad!
Good luck to her with exams!

 

[UnoMas]

Sounds like a very productive conversation, and now you have the info you need to have a good conversation with your daughter and make an informed decision after her exams. I'm glad that you were able to talk to the coach.

 

[munchkin3]

Awesome news!! It sounds like your DD has a lot on her plate right now, and perhaps she just can't keep the focus tank filled all through practice. Hopefully a med adjustment will help out a lot, I know it did for mine.

I think this is more common than you think. All kids go through times where they can't give 100%. It's not that they don't love it, it's just that it's hard! Sounds like there was a bit of a miscommunication with the coach, and no harm was meant.

My DD also got a bit of a 'talking to' for not making corrections and not giving 100%! It also was the last week of school, and the week before we left on vacation......I will save my conversation for AFTER we get back!