Parents parents who were highly competitive athletes...

[Eleven sol]

Do you ever hesitate to let your kid get involved too deeply in sports? I ended up turning down division 1 college scholarships for track/cross-country because after 7 years the coaches had beaten out the love of the sport for me. I was fortunate enough to get a academic scholarship but I gave up running entirely for several years. It took many years for me to go back to it and remember why I loved it. And I DO still love it.

Looking back it was fun to excel at something but the main thing is to be able to exercise your whole life and still love it. I have been and will continue to be very cautious about my kids involvement in gymnastics/sports in general. I really am aware of coaches too, and I don't mean if they are effectively using time or whatever but how kind and fun they are. Often I hear from very competitive parents who were never at that high level themselves. I always think when they are talking, "be careful what you wish for." In my experience as an athlete the high achievers really are extremely self-motivated and don't need any additional pressure anyway.

 

[B.Gold]

Great post. My dh, who was involved in high-level sports says something similar. He tells me it's not up to her coaches, or us, as her parents, to get her to the level she hopes to achieve. It's 100% up to her. We all just give her the tools.

She's blessed to be at a gym that understands exactly what you wrote, about fun and the love of the sport, and tries very hard to get us parents to understand it also. It does seem like it's us parents who were not athletes who tend to fry out our kids. Either that, or those parents who have their own unfulfilled Olympic dream.

I don't hesitate for her to be deeply involved, and neither does my dh, but I would HATE to be the reason that my dd began resenting gymnastics, whether she achieves her goal or not. Thanks for your post!!

 

[exgymnastmomx3]

Do you ever hesitate to let your kid get involved too deeply in sports?
I could have written your post. I was a top level gymnast who had a very bad personal experience in gymnastics at an elite level gym as a child. I swore up and down that my children would never be involved in an intense sport, especially not gymnastics! Well, long story short, I had no idea how talented they would be and against my better judgement, all 3 of my daughters became top level gymnasts as well. It was a long, brutal 10 plus years with a lot of ups and downs and I regret letting them go down that path. It didn't end well for any of them. 2 had to quit because of injuries and one because of an eating disorder/emotional issues. I have a lot of guilt over it all and I feel that I should have known better. I guess I thought that with my experience I could make sure that history wouldn't repeat itself, but in the end, I really couldn't control it all. In my experience it seems that a lot of parents who were top level athletes either want their kids to follow in their foot steps or to do the complete opposite and have nothing to do with intense sports.

 

[MomIdidit!]

I was having a discussion w DDs teacher at the Valentines Day party the other day. She told me how DD loves to talk and write all about gymnastics. She told me she loves to read her journal entries because they are so passionate. She then added that there are adults that don't know their passion so DD is fortunate to know her passion at such a young age.

I think that adults give the athletes the tools but it's up to the child to decide how high they really want to fly. I don't necessarily agree it matters if parents were high level athletes or not, I truly believe it depends on the child's feelings regarding their passion for the sport.

 

[Eleven sol]

Momididit, I agree with you. If an athlete has all the determination, passion, and natural ability, they will make it happen. I am not saying having a parent who was a higher level athlete makes a child's success any more or less likely. But I guess what I am more aware of because of my experience is that some not all coaches think more about what winning means for their career and sometimes parents get sucked into the excitement of it all. It is easy to do, even for the most well meaning ones. My parents' friends were all from my sport. This makes the stakes higher if a kid wants to walk away. I remember thinking they would be friendless if I quit. Lol. Probably untrue but that was my idea as a teen. Also, I didn't necessarily share all the pressure I felt with my parents at the time. Exgymnastmom, hugs. What a hard experience.

 

[B.Gold]

My parents' friends were all from my sport. This makes the stakes higher if a kid wants to walk away.I remember thinking they would be friendless if I quit.

It's interesting this is additional pressure put on our children that us parents aren't even aware we are creating. My older dd, who skates, told me she stuck out an additional year on a skate team because I enjoyed it so much, the friends the traveling, etc. That broke my heart.

 

[MomIdidit!]

Wow Eleven sol, that was definite added pressure that as adults we don't even think about. I'm sorry you and B.Golds DD went through that feeling.

This post is interesting.....gym would not have been our pick for DD bc we really didn't know much about the sport and the inside world of the sport. Both DH and I are from two different sports and we were really hoping DD would have gone one of those paths but after taking a gym class, she got the gym bug. I can clearly remember the evening our then 6 year old told us she loves both DH and I but hates our sports and really really really only wants to "play gymnastics." DH and I were speechless, but thinking back on that conversation.....boy she told us lol!!!

 

[notthatmom]

I was a competitive athelete, and had the opportunity to be a collegiate athlete for my sport.
I am not hesitant to put my kids in highly competitive sports because I know what it takes, and I know what to expect.
I've always been hesitant to put my kids in my sport (figure skating) because I feel like I'd be WAY too overbearing and critical. For gymnastics, I can't be critical, since my level of gym expertise stops at a back handspring.

I also understand how important t is to let DD make her own decisions. With skating, my parents didn't push me, I pushed myself. And I got an amazingly rewarding experience out of it.

Same thing for my girls, I'm not going to be the mom who keeps my kids in activities they don't want to do. I will be there to support them, and push them a little when they might need it, but otherwise it's all them.

 

[raenndrops]

Our HC was a high level gymnast at a high pressure club. She chooses NOT to have our team girls compete outside the YMCA program (we could compete in USAG club meets and there are several that are as close or closer than our Y meets) because she doesn't want that intensity for her gymnasts.

 

[catova]

Great discussion. I was not a high level athlete; DH was decent but not college material. But I do feel that parental pressure (intentional or not) - and self-pressure to do whatever it takes to reach the highest level of 'competition' - can be just as intense for pursuits outside of sports.

For example, DH and I both attended an extremely selective university. I worked like a maniac in high school (academically, extra-curricular,etc) so I could get into the best school I could. The stress was awful, and it wasn't my parents pushing (ha, they would steal my books!) - it was all me. Obviously, lots of students work super hard to get into a good college, but some (me included) definitely just take it to another level. I also knew plenty of students who had such intense parental pressure to attend this university since a very young age that despite being extremely capable of gaining entrance to other excellent universities, they never really had a choice in the matter (once they gained entrance, parents didn't give them the choice to go elsewhere!).
I have a dear friend who endured years of practicing the piano 4+ hours/day for 10 years to earn a college music scholarship who, despite being amazingly talented. She hated it, and no longer plays for enjoyment as the love of it was beat out of her, though it did pay for college.
I have another dear friend whose pursuit of her passion to be a successful actor in NY theatre took her down a very destructive road.
So I do wonder...is what one endures to succeed in sports in college any more/less 'damaging' to the body or psyche than what others do to succeed at the highest level in other areas? I just don't know.

Reading the comments makes me hopeful that we're approaching gymnastics in a healthy way: 1) DD knows it's 100% her choice. In her case, DD is naturally much better in another sport (could have manipulated it such that we had her focus on that instead) but we support her in gymnastics because it's her passion, and the other one is just her 'sport'; 2) DD knows that when she doesn't love it anymore, she is to walk away with no regrets, and that we will be happy for her to pursue the next adventure. I say this to her at least once a month and she gets irritated that I would even suggest it! 3) DH and I never talk about 'what's next' in this sport beyond this season...this season's skills, this season's meets. Admittedly, that part is getting harder as she is getting older because DD wants to talk about the future (12 yo, L8 addicted to watching college gymnastics, wants to sign up for college summer camp, etc.).
While gymnastics is not going to be in the cards for her for college, I think that is something she needs to come to terms with in her own time. I have no problem with her working her tail off to be the best she can be in this sport, even though it comes with a lot of stress. If it's not gym, it likely would be something else. It's just who she is...

 

[exgymnastmomx3]

Catova- Your post struck me right in the gut! When you said, "It's just who she is", you are describing my oldest dd to a tee! I've discussed her story a bit before on chalkbucket, but in a nutshell, she sped down the path of success in gymnastics at lighting speed and was a successful upper level gymnast before I knew what was happening. I could see the toll it was taking on her emotional health because of her perfectionism, but that permeated into every area of her life. Once she became anorexic and gymnastics no longer was good for her mental health, her coaches along with us as her parents, had to sit her down and make her take a break. After much counseling, she took up another sport-pole vaulting and quickly became successful at that and was recruited to do that in college. Unfortunately, the same issues resurfaced with that sport and we had to intervene again. After more counseling and a switch in colleges, she ran cross country and the same issues resurfaced. It was through therapy that she realized it's just her overdriven personality. She has found her love of gymnastics through covering it for her college, and runs for fitness and joy only. It's been a journey. Academically, it's no surprise that she's at the very top of the grade scale and on the Dean's List at a very good University and she's still striving to learn that good enough is good enough. I once read that most Olympians have this type of personality. I don't know if that is a blessing or a curse!

 

[Faith]

I do think it helps us.

Dh and I were both athletes. I was a pretty high level gymnast until family circumstances forced a move across country- and me out of the gym and the sport. DH trained with top athletes, but was more county level, he never made national times.

We both know the sacrifices, and what it's like to do that much training, see more of your coaches and team mates and family. We also know how important the parents role is.

We try to encourage, without pressure. We have also stressed things can change if needed. If they aren't having fun, something needs to change, coach, club, sport...

It's a fine line between enouraging, cheerleading, and supporting though, and having them feel they're doing it because they want to...

 

[Peanut]

Interesting discussion. Growing up, other than swimming, I participated in many "team" sports. I was fortunate to play baseball in college and also officiated minor pro hockey. Overall, playing sports was generally a positive experience for me. I knew early on that my DD had some athletic ability. So far, my 7 yo DD (level 4) has had a positive experience in this sport. She's talented, but nothing has come easy for her. Fortunately, we can see lots of passion, a solid work ethic, and a never give up mentality in her approach.

Back to the sport of gymnastics. For me, and my wife who was not an athlete, it's been an incredible learning experience for us. We kind of imagined Saturday morning soccer games with oranges at halftime. Not so much

Everything from the individual/team nature to the highly competitive gym culture to the highly competitive group of parents, it's been a bit crazy.

We go back and forth in our approval for DD's passion of gymnastics. Parents sending sick kids to compete when they've been out of school most of the week. Kids with broken body parts never missing a practice. It's a culture that my wife despises. I typically have to explain to her that everything will be okay and that its just the nature of the sport and the gym culture. My last topic is the coaches. I've heard from parents of older kids in optionals rumors of how some of the athletes have been treated by gym coaches in the past. Sending multiple kids to colleges every year isn't a trade off for mistreating my DD. I'm praying she never comes to us with that information.

 

[catova]

Catova- Your post struck me right in the gut! When you said, "It's just who she is", you are describing my oldest dd to a tee! I've discussed her story a bit before on chalkbucket, but in a nutshell, she sped down the path of success in gymnastics at lighting speed and was a successful upper level gymnast before I knew what was happening. I could see the toll it was taking on her emotional health because of her perfectionism, but that permeated into every area of her life. Once she became anorexic and gymnastics no longer was good for her mental health, her coaches along with us as her parents, had to sit her down and make her take a break. After much counseling, she took up another sport-pole vaulting and quickly became successful at that and was recruited to do that in college. Unfortunately, the same issues resurfaced with that sport and we had to intervene again. After more counseling and a switch in colleges, she ran cross country and the same issues resurfaced. It was through therapy that she realized it's just her overdriven personality. She has found her love of gymnastics through covering it for her college, and runs for fitness and joy only. It's been a journey. Academically, it's no surprise that she's at the very top of the grade scale and on the Dean's List at a very good University and she's still striving to learn that good enough is good enough. I once read that most Olympians have this type of personality. I don't know if that is a blessing or a curse!

Wow...first of all, so glad to read that your DD has made it through the tunnel to the sunny side of the mountain, after all she has endured. I totally agree, they are who they are...and perfectionism is the worst form of torture! Good wishes to your DD!

 

[duyetanh]

As a former athlete in a different rather individualistic sport who went to many nationals and a few Olympic trials----
I would so love it if my kid had wanted to be an artist.
But as someone posted above....she is who she is. And the sport? It's so hers. I try to understand what's going on and get corrected or scolded or laughed at by my kid again and again. I say I am proud of her....she is proud of herself, yet quick to point out her flaws in the routine...I have told her for every flaw she must point out a good thing. If she says nothing, I ask what went well in it later on (NOT right after). It is a work in progress...she is an intense child...but I am just as determined to make sure she enjoys the sport so I keep on keeping it light and working on her to do the same. It helps that she doesn't care where she places. But she has personal goals that are important to her;I support her with those.

 

[rjb123]

Yes. If I had my way, DD would be doing Girl Scouts, summer swim team, tennis team and girls on the run. I did another sport my whole childhood, and while I don't regret it I know all too well the sacrifices you make for something like this. That said, I won't take it away from DD. She loves it SO much- I think in a way I never did as a kid. But yes, I have reservations

 

[l.c.o]

Well, I played two varsity sports in high school, though I don't know whether I would have been considered highly competitive (definitely better than average for my high school division). I played both sports both in the local rec league and at school until I quit.

Anyway, I took both of my sports quite seriously, attended good college summer camps, etc. DH was probably more competitive in his one sport and had a good shot at college ball if he'd gone to college, but grades and ambition were lacking in those days.

I distinctly remember asking myself during my sophomore year of high school why I still played either sport. While I still enjoyed one sport a bit, they'd both become jobs to me by then. That, and it was habit... Something I'd always done that was part of my identity. It was my JOB to pitch well at softball games. I was a perfectionist, and the pressure I felt to do well was enormous. I remember melting down and pulling myself from one game my freshman year because I just felt so off and didn't want to let my team down. Plus, my mom was watching, and I absolutely knew she loved to brag to anyone who'd listen about how well her pitcher DD was doing. Coach made me play shortstop that game... Not any less stressful.

Anyway, I ended up switching to a school without any athletics for my junior year. I continued in rec leagues, but was so relieved to not have to play varsity sports and to have the pressure reduced. Obviously, at that point, I was in no position to seek any athletic scholarships, which I was and still am 100000% ok with.

I hope that by going slow and steady my DD will be healthier and happier long term. I truly hope that she doesn't attempt to stick with it to make me happy. When we chat about it, we're often very clear that when she's done, we'll support her in her next journey, as I'd hate for her to hang on like I did. I can only hope that she believes it.

FWIW, DH's sport was baseball. We thought FOR SURE our kids would play ball. DD hates it! When I coached t-ball, she stormed off the field and proclaimed she "only wants to do memastics (gymnastics)". I let my four year old quit... though we do play for fun as a family in the summer, which she like doing. DS plays ball in a rec league, but no has interest in doing anything more intense, and usually spends his time in the field spinning around, picking grass, and/or attempting to build sand castles. He's been hit in the face with a ball twice due to inattention. We'll see if he plays this year, as I'm pretty sure he just plays because his dad did, and he likes that connection. I'm fine if he stops, though DH would definitely be heartbroken... Which he'll of course try to hide.

 

[notthatmom]

Well, I played two varsity sports in high school, though I don't know whether I would have been considered highly competitive (definitely better than average for my high school division). I played both sports both in the local rec league and at school until I quit.

Anyway, I took both of my sports quite seriously, attended good college summer camps, etc. DH was probably more competitive in his one sport and had a good shot at college ball if he'd gone to college, but grades and ambition were lacking in those days.

I distinctly remember asking myself during my sophomore year of high school why I still played either sport. While I still enjoyed one sport a bit, they'd both become jobs to me by then. That, and it was habit... Something I'd always done that was part of my identity. It was my JOB to pitch well at softball games. I was a perfectionist, and the pressure I felt to do well was enormous. I remember melting down and pulling myself from one game my freshman year because I just felt so off and didn't want to let my team down. Plus, my mom was watching, and I absolutely knew she loved to brag to anyone who'd listen about how well her pitcher DD was doing. Coach made me play shortstop that game... Not any less stressful.

Anyway, I ended up switching to a school without any athletics for my junior year. I continued in rec leagues, but was so relieved to not have to play varsity sports and to have the pressure reduced. Obviously, at that point, I was in no position to seek any athletic scholarships, which I was and still am 100000% ok with.

I hope that by going slow and steady my DD will be healthier and happier long term. I truly hope that she doesn't attempt to stick with it to make me happy. When we chat about it, we're often very clear that when she's done, we'll support her in her next journey, as I'd hate for her to hang on like I did. I can only hope that she believes it.

FWIW, DH's sport was baseball. We thought FOR SURE our kids would play ball. DD hates it! When I coached t-ball, she stormed off the field and proclaimed she "only wants to do memastics (gymnastics)". I let my four year old quit... though we do play for fun as a family in the summer, which she like doing. DS plays ball in a rec league, but no has interest in doing anything more intense, and usually spends his time in the field spinning around, picking grass, and/or attempting to build sand castles. He's been hit in the face with a ball twice due to inattention. We'll see if he plays this year, as I'm pretty sure he just plays because his dad did, and he likes that connection. I'm fine if he stops, though DH would definitely be heartbroken... Which he'll of course try to hide.

Can we officially change the name of this sport to "memastics"? Because that's one of the most adorable things I've ever heard!

 

[gymmomtotwo]

I was a high level age group swimmer (National Top 10 times, State records) and swam D1 on scholarship. No, I've never regretted it, though I felt rather burnt out toward the end of my career, and it was a relief when it was over. I would have been happy with two years of college swimming, and then have two years to be a typical college student. I have such amazing memories of my age group years, and still stay in touch with most of my old friends even though we are approaching 50. I was such a great atmosphere growing up. Loved my friend's parents who helped and officiated at meets, the parents were all good friends, we all grew up together. I wouldn't change it. My two non gymnasts are enjoying much of what I enjoyed at a lower level in swimming, but loving all the friendships, traveling etc. as much as I did, without so much pressure. They have limited talent ( Must be my husband ) My gymnast (who has made her own path in gymnastics) has a really nice group of friends at the gym, and the parents are all very nice. It is a more difficult path to take than swimming. I can see that, and she is only 9. There is so much pressure to get this or that skill, or your teammates and friends end up leaving you behind. You train and train like crazy for a 3 month season with 6-7 meets, and that is it. If you don't move a level, you are stuck for a year. I find it to be brutal and stressful to watch. But it is what she wants to do. We tried just about every sport under the sun, and the gym is where she wants to be. I just want my kids to take all the good things I loved about sports. If I see it is no longer doing that, then sports goes out the door.

 

[l.c.o]

Can we officially change the name of this sport to "memastics"? Because that's one of the most adorable things I've ever heard!

I would totally be on board with this.

(Also: I totally miss that four year old voice!)