Parents parties

[sally]

Just wondering my dd has just changed gyms and it is her 8th birthday coming up. I was going to have a party for her and asked her who she wanted to invite. She said that she wants to invite two girls from her team that are around her age, however the other two are a lot older. Is it rude not to invite them or should we invite them? I don't want to be rude and get them upset.

 

[MaryA]

I think it's O.K., but I would make sure not to hand out invitations at practice and remind her not to talk about the party at practice.

 

[notjustgym]

By saying the other two girls are "a Lot' older I would assume they are teenagers. And they woudl surely understand not being invited to a 8 year old bday party.

Do you know the parents at all? you could always say something to their mothers.

 

[wallinbl]

Do you know the parents at all? you could always say something to their mothers.

Just do this. If they're a fair amount older, they'll just be bored with a bunch of 8 year olds anyway.

 

[gymster]

These girls are her team mates I assume! They are her second family like an older sister! Someone they look up to! this is your opportunity to foster that bond! Carpe Diem Gym Mom!! If they are to old for the party and are not interested they will not attend. However if they are excluded this may inhibit some resentment. Nothing is better for gymnast than self confidence anytime you can help to boost that rather than destroy it you will have a winwin situation! BTW Happy 8th Birthday to your DD!

 

[bogwoppit]

We often had parties for just my girls friends. The whole "you should invite everyone to everything" gets silly. Assuming you aren't leaving out just one kid it is all good. I am just not into big parties for anything.

Just moms of the kids you will invite and let them know, then tell them it is not for the whole group.

 

[crazygymmom]

I agree with gymster. I have a gymie that is a lot younger than all her teammates. They are teenagers, she is a few years younger. They have all had parties in the last year and she has not been invited. I understand the why's, but it's not easy when these girls are who she spends most of her time with and she's left out.
I agree that if it does not interest them they probably will not show up, or maybe they can drop in?

 

[GymBee97]

no one should feel obligated to invite anyone to any party unless its grandma. Your DD should invite who ever she wants to invite its her party and she should have those kids that will make her celebration a good one. Its alot harder to have someone you invited because you feel obligated and really aren't hang out friends for your DD because when they get to the party they can easily be ignored and feel not included at the party. That is more hurtful than not being invited to begin with.

The other part there should be a limit on the number of people invited and as part of growning up learning to pick and choose who to invite is a valuable lesson.

 

[bogwoppit]

We don't invite grandma either!!!! Just sayin'.

 

[Gymmonkeymomma]

My DD switched gyms a couple of months before her last birthday. She wanted to invite the new team (kids her age not the older teens) as well as her old team (also only the kids her age not older) AND her school friends. Way too many kids as she is a twin (lololol). We ended up with just the close school friends and the old teammates.

As for fostering relatiionships with the (new) team kids, our team does ALOT of bonding activities and even day to day when they are partnered up for stretches or other conditioning/skills training. So, for the birthday party, DD (nor I) really didn't give a second thought about not including the girls who are 5-6 years older.

 

[wallinbl]

It's fairly common at our gym for a girl to bring in cookies at the practice nearest to her birthday. They'll all have cookies after practice and celebrate together. Doesn't usually last long, but does acknowledge the birthday with the teammates.

 

[AlwaysCuriousMom]

In the OP's case, it sounds reasonable that only 2 out of the 4 are invited, especially if the uninvited two are much older and uninterested.

But something doesn't sit right with the below statement:

The other part there should be a limit on the number of people invited and as part of growning up learning to pick and choose who to invite is a valuable lesson.

I just don't agree at all. I have them invite everyone in a particular group (just girls, just teammmates, just classmates, just those of the same age....) - so long as the boundary is clearly defined. But then again, we move around so much, that I don't think my children have the luxury of having such a "choosy" attitude. I
take issue with families who act in such a "choosy" manner, because it never feels nice to be on the receiving end of "exclusion" - for anybody. My kids would look at me like I'm crazy if I made them "choose" 5 friends. It just doesn't seem right.

The best guidance for this kind of thing is the Golden Rule.

 

[Quadqueen]

I get what you're saying AlwaysCuriousMom, but GymBee97 has a good point. As kids get older, they don't necessarily want a party with 20-25 kids, nor can mom and dad afford it. Sometimes, mom and dad have to say, "You have to limit it to 5 (or 10) kids," and the kid has to choose. If that situation came up with my DD, I would probably guide her about who to include (your best friends from school, your best friends from gym who are within a few years of her age, etc.), but I agree that it's a good for them to learn how to make difficult choices.

 

[Esoteric]

If you have already determined that your guest list will be a specific size, then I think it is appropriate to invite whomever your dd wants. It is, after all, her day. If it is an event that has no space or budget restrictions, by all means invite the whole team. I am sure that if the older gymmies think they are "too mature" for a little one's birthday that they, or their mums, will politely decline.

I am very fortunate that both of my kiddos have summer birthdays. For one birthday we hired a magician and my oldest dd invited her entire class from the just ended school year. It was outside and worked great. Not everyone could come due to vacations, but it was wonderful to be able to have a large crowd.

Each year the girls let me know what type of party they are desiring- and that, along with a preset budget, dictates how many invitees there are. The monumental birthdays are 10, (double digits,) 13, and 16. My little one has seen her older sister experience these milestone parties and cannot wait for her turn. Until then, however, she is limited to the number of guests. The past 3 years the number of guests has corresponded with her age, which is great because at these young ages, (little dd is 8,) too much really can be too much.

At dd's gym the protocol is on the day closest to a birthday the birthday girl brings in cupcakes or something similar and the team gets to skip end of practice conditioning and hang out with their goodies in the party room. This typically follows the birthday girl standing on top of many stacked mats and the entire gym singing "happy birthday." This has only been dd's 1st year competing, so I imagine that future party invites will include gymmies- but as of yet they haven't. Older dd did not typically invite teammates, either. I think this is because she realized how much she missed out on spending time with other friends and this was a good opportunity to give them some attention and show them their value and worth, as well. I have always tried to support dds' sports/activities- but I do think that sometimes there needs to be a line drawn with gym. The sport is so all-encompassing, and it is good to just let it all go for a day or two here and there.

This year my daughters wanted to go to the Olympic Trials. I made it clear to them that if we did that that it would mean no birthday parties. They both felt it was an acceptable trade-off. I will probably allow each of them to host a small sleep over, and they can make cupcakes with their friends- but I am not pulling out all the stops this year. (Or maybe I did already when buying tickets and booking flights and hotel rooms...)

 

[GymBee97]

I just don't agree at all. I have them invite everyone in a particular group (just girls, just teammmates, just classmates, just those of the same age....) - so long as the boundary is clearly defined. But then again, we move around so much, that I don't think my children have the luxury of having such a "choosy" attitude. I
take issue with families who act in such a "choosy" manner, because it never feels nice to be on the receiving end of "exclusion" - for anybody. My kids would look at me like I'm crazy if I made them "choose" 5 friends. It just doesn't seem right.

The best guidance for this kind of thing is the Golden Rule.

Nothing to do with excluding or being choosy or a choosy attitude - it has to to with space available and money available to do the party. My DD gets to invite 7 for a party because that is what we have room for and what we can afford to do a party for. So she HAS to pick and choose. It would be great to be able to afford to invite everyone but the financial reality is we just can't afford the extra food, etc that goes with a bigger party. Even with the financial restraints I think everyone has the right to invite or not invite whom ever they choose.

We have always done it this way. Also there are some kids in some groups she belongs to that she really aren't more than group friends with - that is to say they wouldn't be part of her group if they didn't belong to the same club etc. I can't see inviting people because they belong to the same group but really aren't someone my child would associate with otherwise.

But that is just how we do things - you don't have to agree but it works for us.

I also don't like when you invite a girl to the party and all the siblings show up too and parents expect them to have goody bags etc for the siblings.

 

[Esoteric]

Oh - that sibling thing gets irritating! Last year my little one wanted to go to an amusement park for her birthday. It is a local one that is open from mid-May to October each year. We chose a Tuesday afternoon because the unlimited ride bracelets are "two-for one" on Tuesdays. The invitations specified where to drop off and that we would provide the ride bracelets, beverages and an ice-cream cone. (I scheduled from 2-4pm. After lunch and before dinner.) It also specified the time to pick up at the same drop off point and I told all the parents that because the bracelets were all-day ones, that the bracelets would still work if they chose to join their child after the designated 2 hour party. We had parents drop off the siblings because it wasn't "fair" to the other child that one had the fun, parents who "assumed" I would be providing lunch to their starving child even though I specifically stated what food/beverages would be provided, parents who never told me their children were: a) afraid of rides- b) barfers- c) lactose intolerant to the point they freaked out when I presented them with their ice cream cone. I also had a parent come to pick up with the entire family in tow wanting to know where their ride bracelets were since I said they could come join their child after the party for rides. I also specified no gifts- that we would accept donations of children books to donate to the local children's hospital, which would be locked in one of the amusement park lockers so we would not be encumbered with toting them about. I wrote that my child really was blessed with plenty, and this was a good opportunity for her to learn about helping others. People showed up with these huge gift bags for my daughter- which I then had to run to the car to lock away. The sentiment was nice- but I was very specific that not only was I unable to carry "stuff," but that we were learning a valuable lesson about giving- not receiving.
I have come to the conclusion that I need to either not have parties away from my home, or require parents to take a quiz about the specifics upon their rsvp.

 

[bogwoppit]

For us we are often limited by seats in the car, that can be as many as 8 or as few as 4. We live in a very rural area and kids have a tough time getting rides to our place as school and gym and cheer are about an hour away. So we tend to have to pick kids up and drop them off for parties and sleepovers. I tell the kids how many they can invite and they choose who comes.

Realistically it is all we can do, sure the kids would like to have more friends sometimes, but often the parties with two or three kids are the best ones.

 

[AlwaysCuriousMom]

The only reason I disagreed with Gymbee is because I don't think that having to decide which 7 out of 25 friends to invite to a party is a life lesson, nor do I think of it as a skill. Maybe that's not what was meant in the text, but I wanted readers to know that not everyone agrees. That's all.

It's also a cultural thing that most people overlook. Lived in Asia, and DS's Asian classmates all brought siblings. And it was acceptable. Came back to America, and things are different. It's acceptible to some, and not to others.

Overall, I think it's most important to teach sympathy and empathy. Inclusion, not exclusion. IMO birthdays are not about the parties, and it's not even about the birthday child getting what they want, it's about celebrating life in general.

 

[GymBee97]

So I guess we can agree to disagree here.

I'm all for sympathy, empathy and inclusion but that doesn't mean everyone you associate with must get an invite.

 

[sally]

Thanks for all the comments, I think I might just invite them and let them say they are busy. Two more won't hurt and then I am not hurting anybody's feelings.