Parents Please stop me from becoming a CGM

[momof2gymmies]

I am so frustrated with DD, and have so far managed to keep my mouth shut, but the only reason I could tonight is because she went home with a team mate for a sleepover, and I didn't have a chance to talk to her. I went to gym to get YDD. ODD was still in practice, and I watched her floor routine.

She competed a robhsbt all last year. It was beautiful. She had no problems doing it. In September she just stopped. She will do it if her coach stands on the floor. Doesn't need to be next to her. Doesn't need to touch her. Just needs to stand on the floor. Her coach says she is done standing on the floor, and refuses to do it. So DD won't even attempt the tuck. She has gone back to doing a robhsbhs. Since she is xcel silver she does not have to compete it, and it seems like she is using the fact that she doesn't have to as a crutch. There is no urgent need for her to get it. Except for the fact that our gym requires the silvers to compete it.

I know it is a fear issue. I know that she can't control it. I also know that her coaches are frustrated with her, and they have a meet in 3 weeks. If she can't do it by Monday she won't be competing. She is not going to be able to do it on Monday b/c she refused to even try it tonight. But, even knowing that, I am frustrated with her and really wish that she could get it together. If she doesn't compete she is going to be a pain in the neck.

Any advice for getting her over her fear?

 

[needcoffee]

In my personal experience with fears, there is nothing you can do. She will get over it when she is ready. We also had the threat of not competing, it didn't help her. If she doesn't compete, so be it. It's not the Olympics. There will be more meets.

When I feel like you are feeling, I stop and ask myself "why do I care so much?". My reasons are usually pretty silly.

It is what it is.

 

[MILgymFAM]

I agree with the above. I also wonder why gyms take Xcel, which is supposed to offer freedom to the gymnast, and they force them all to compete certain skills. Seems kinda silly to me. My DD competed gold with a simple robhs, so being forced to have the robhsbt for silver would have just kept her at bronze anyway.

 

[cadybearsmommy]

Honestly the best way to help her get over it is for you and the coach to both back off completely. Trust me I have been there done that. She will get it back when she is ready. It's not a crutch, it's a legitimate fear in her mind and it happens to gymnasts all the time, even with gymnasts who previously had the skill for quite a while. It happened to my dd with her ROBHS. I was frustrated just like you. We were even doing privates to get it back. But when I came here and vented I was told to treat it like an injury and let it heal. Best advice I ever got. We completely backed off, no pressure.
Finding out where the fear is coming from might help but do so gently. My dd's fear came from the criticism from one of her former teammates constantly telling her that her BHS were sloppy and that she was going to break her neck. No wonder she was scared. B/c of not only that but other reasons, we did a gym switch and she threw it the very first day at the new gym. Now I'm not saying that you should switch gyms, that was just a small part of our situation. But gently trying to find out where the fear comes from may help the coach better address it.
I do know this for sure, no amount of pressure, private lessons, or threats to not compete will make it come back. I'm sure the coach has his/her reasons but I would be upset that she won't let her compete without it. A ROBHSBHS is not even required in silver, let alone a ROBHSBT. That is really on the upper end of silver skills, and you might even find she scores better without it. I understand that your gym normally requires it but it makes me sad for her that they will not work with her on that requirement when it's not even close to being required for the level she is competing. I can understand that being their preferred tumbling pass, but the whole point of Xcel is to be more accommodating to the individual gymnast.

 

[cadybearsmommy]

I agree with the above. I also wonder why gyms take Xcel, which is supposed to offer freedom to the gymnast, and they force them all to compete certain skills. Seems kinda silly to me. My DD competed gold with a simple robhs, so being forced to have the robhsbt for silver would have just kept her at bronze anyway.

Amen! We were posting at the same time lol, looks like we were thinking the same thing!

 

[duyetanh]

I seriously cannot believe the gym would be that hardnosed about this, and hope they reconsider. I am sure this must be very frustrating. You have to know your child. I agree completely about the backing off, but a situation like this, I would probably talk to my child once, so I could hear what she had to say. And then, yes I would back off, and just be encouraging.

 

[Sasha]

I agree with above posters in that I'm disappointed your gym requires a high-end skill to compete in Xcel Silver. I love the Xcel program for its flexibility - the premise that you can still compete even if you don't have the same strengths in all events, etc. Threatening a kid that they can't compete without a big skill even though they have the requirements for the level just seems cold and against the spirit of the Xcel program to me.

I'm sorry your daughter is dealing with a fear. I imagine that is desperately frustrating for you to watch, feeling so helpless to do anything. I suspect all the pressure/threats from coaches and this non-compete policy are probably doing the opposite of helping, though.

Would a private where the coach stands there, but gradually moves away 2 inches at time help? Or a private with a different coach who hasn't shown frustration with her? I'm no expert, just throwing stuff out there.

 

[munchkin3]

Layoff, don't watch practice anymore.......zero pressure......

If you want her to do the skill, and pressure her, and talk to her, and yell at her etc.....she may squeeze out the skill, but I wouldn't be surprised if she quits with this type of pattern. It needs to come from her, not from you.....

I can't tell you how often I've seen teen- tween girls quit because they loose skills for whatever reason, get pressured, pushed, treated badly, parents interfering etc......ALL those girls have quit.

 

[B.Gold]

Remind yourself, no one is more frustrated than she is. My guess is she doesn't want to upset all the adults in her life. Position yourself to be kind to her. If that means not running in quickly to watch her progress, don't run in. And make a plan on how to build her up if she doesn't compete in three weeks

 

[momof2gymmies]

Thank you all. She does have a private next week with her most favorite coach in the world who is no longer coaching her, so hopefully that will help. If they even work on it - I suspect this coach will just say let it go, since that seems to be how she is. I usually don't watch practice - usually YDD sits and reads for the hour that she is done and ODD still practices, but since ODD was not coming home I picked YDD up on time and could see.

I know she is upset - she cries about it weekly. I am hoping when I pick her up today after practice that she is at least happy with everything else that she did.

 

[profmom]

I know she is upset - she cries about it weekly. I am hoping when I pick her up today after practice that she is at least happy with everything else that she did.

Having dealt with a child who worked successfully through a two-year block on a skill, I can assure you that this is the ticket! When frustration runs high, the best and most helpful thing you can do is remind them of what's going right.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

The whole point of Xcel is flexibility. Just goofy she has a skill that she can do and they won't let her.

 

[wnl256]

I seriously cannot believe the gym would be that hardnosed about this, and hope they reconsider.

Oh I can believe it. Coaches can get tunnel vision just like the rest of us. My DD steadfastly refused to do a layout flyaway on bars L6 for an entire season, unless the coach was standing on a block next to the bars. He tried all manner of things to get her to do it. Threatened her with not competing, and actually did make her scratch bars for the first two meets. But in the end he gave in and let her compete with an underswing dismount. Next meet she was first place on bars. Go figure.

If the OPs daughter has recently gone through a growth spurt that can throw off her balance, and things just don't "feel" right. It can take some time to get over that. Or it could just be all in her head. Adding pressure just makes it worse, unfortunately.

If it is this frustrating for the parent, imagine how frustrating it is for the gymnast!

 

[Deleted member 10727]

Having dealt with a child who worked successfully through a two-year block on a skill, I can assure you that this is the ticket! When frustration runs high, the best and most helpful thing you can do is remind them of what's going right.

So beautifully said. Thank you!

My son is going through the ROBHS block going on 2.5 years. He managed to throw a ROBHSBT in comps last season, but barely, and his anxiety over it made his entire floor routine suffer. It took me a long time to realize I cannot fix this for him. He needs to find a way to work through it himself. Comps are starting in 3 weeks, and he's a LVL7.
I told him it would be ok if he scratched, with the implication of no AA placements for medals for him if he does. But what would be cool is if he goes out there and has a blast, and not worry about the score.

I don't go in the gym, I don't push him for information, I rarely talk to his coach, and I have removed myself from the entire process - except to support him and do what Profmom said above. It's so difficult for me, because I hate to see my children suffer, but it makes them stronger to work through things like this themselves.

Good luck to you and your daughter. Most kids don't go through years of this, so don't let us scare you.