Parents Teaching them to accept failures?

[Nikki]

Hey all,

My tiny gymnast is only 4.
Her frustration with and fear of failure has become pretty prominent in the last few months and it extends beyond the gym to all skill learning. If she tries and fails more than 2-3 times she gets angry with herself and the task and gives up. She was just recently promoted from prek-1 to prek-2 and is just altogether skipping things in class that she remembers previously struggling with. If her coach sees her, she makes her do it, but with others needing hands on help with certain skills, she doesn't always catch her.

I've tried telling her that this is the only way we can learn new things, and have pointed out things she has accomplished before by failing and trying again, told her this is how everybody learns, but she just gets more upset when talking about it.

Do any of you have experience getting your kiddo over this kind of mental block? I just don't know what to do or say beyond what I already have...or is it just an age thing and we have to wait it out?

 

[notthatmom]

She's only 4....I don't think "mental block" is really even a thing yet. She's doing this completely for fun right now so as long as she is continuing to have fun, that's all you need to focus on just give her hugs and high fives and enjoy her being small.

 

[Nikki]

I don't hassle her about practice. I leave all the gym stuff to the coach but this is with absolutely every skill, even things as *relatively* simple as learning letters. I guess I just hate to feel so helpless when she is struggling.

 

[2gymkids]

I have a kid who used to be like that. Still is to some extent at 9 but she's come a long way. They learn and grow and are encouraged and figure it out. The one biggest thing I figured out around that age is I cannot be the one teaching her. It had to come from someone else or she would just shut down. She luckily had some great teachers and coaches that taught her along the way and she's learned to cope with things being hard and to work for them. She's been referred to both by her teachers in school and by other parents at her gym as being the hardest worker in her class/group. So, it will come. She's still a perfectionist and doesn't like failure, but she's learned where hard work will get her.

 

[l.c.o]

To be honest, when my DD started gymnastics at (almost) age three and refused to do skills after gentle coaxing, I let her (mommy and me). When it became more than half of her class time, we just stopped attending and tried other activities. A year later ,she asked to try again and we let her - she's been full steam ahead since. (My DS has a similar story) So I'm more laid back about it - at that age, if it's not fun, why do it? There's so many other things they have to learn...

She's 4 - I'd definitely leave it all to her coach and not comment on practice. Coach needs to be redirecting her and coaxing her to try - it's their job. And sometimes it's ok to not try and watch instead - watching teammates do a skill while not participating can actually be somewhat beneficial - watching them will show her how to do the skill, and hopefully show her it's safe... and seeing other kids do skills will likely eventually bring in some envy and drive her to try them herself. And at that age they're still building their attention spans, too.

Coach will tell you if at some point it becomes a real problem.

We all feel helpless when they struggle - and they all do at some point. What's so great about this sport is that if they want to find success, they need to figure out how to make it work on their own. It's a priceless skill to have.

 

[Natasha]

Lots of praise for effort- as in everything. As in, "Wow, you looked like you were really working hard on _______, I can see you are getting stronger (better, ect) each day." Be excited with her when she accomplishes a new skill, but don't initiate the praise for accomplishments. This will help her learn that she gets approval for effort not for successes and will help address the fear of trying and not succeeding. Also, in gymnastics, I would point out the times she looks like she is really enjoying it, "It looked like you were having so much fun doing _______, I love to see you enjoying learning new things!" At 4 if she is enjoying the activity, she will be more inclined to work harder at it. She needs to get the subtle (and not so subtle) message from you that this is an activity for her to enjoy and have fun. (If it is not, then at age 4 I recommend you quit and do something else that is fun.)

 

[gymyogimom]

She is 4. Let her be 4. If you try to swoop in and save her at this level where it really hardly matters, she won't learn perserverience. Falling, forgetting, messing up, joking around, messing around... That is all part of being 4.

 

[triplethreat+1]

I think it's an age thing, in certain kids. At that age, I was convinced my DD was not going to do well in school as she refused to learn to write her name and to even talk about numbers and letters. Less than four years later she does advanced work I several of her subjects, spelling two years ahead. She is just a kid that waits and watches, and when she does something it's usually quite successful as she has been learning by watching and listening.
Give it some time, and in the mean time show her (subtly!) that you value effort, not necessarily success.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

Have the conversation you want her to have with herself, as in develope her self esteem.

In other words praise her effort, her hard work and her persistence.

Also remind her how long it took her to do things she is good at. Even take it back to the baby level. How long it took her to walk. First you crawled, then stood up, then took steps holding on to something, then finally walked. Sometimes you fell. And now you walk without even thinking about it.

If you have video even better. I show my daughter video of her first ugly cartwheels so she gets that she didn't always know how to do them.