Unsupportive dad...

[d0nut_l0ver]

When I was little, my dad always thought I would grow up to become a soccer pro. I always wanted to go out in the yard and play with him, and he taught me all kinds of things about the sport.

Then I started to grow out of it before I was in 5th grade, the year I could join the school soccer team. I was almost in 5th grade when, after a major incident, I was terrified of any sports that involved a ball, ruining my chances of ever wanting to play soccer again.

My dad didn't take this well. He never wants to drive me to or from gymnastics. He doesn't help me and my mom pay. (My mom and I split the cost, she pays most though. ) He never cares what new skills I get and he doesn't even bother listening when I talk to him about what a certain gymnastics skill is.

One time my mom felt sick so my dad picked me up from gymnastics, and I was so excited that I got my front handspring, and my dad just grumbled and wouldn't even talk to me. I almost cried; he just squashed my happiness like a fly!

I guess my question is, what can I do to help my dad accept that fact that I will never be a soccer pro? Gymnastics is my sport and I love it and it doesn't help to have such an unsupportive dad, and he's just been like this for the whole 4 years I've done gymnastics! Sometimes I even consider quitting because of him.

 

[Aussie_coach]

It's time to have a chat with your Dad, as you grow up you will see that adults are not flawless, they have their problems just like kids do. If you find it hard to talk to him why don't you try writing him a letter to explain how you feel.

While being a pro soccer player may never be in your future, you will be a better gymnast if you work to overcome your fears. Why not start with just kicking a ball around for fun in the backyard or the park, you dad may be able to accept your gymnastics more if he see's you are working to overcome your fears.

If you allow yourself to be stopped from participating in sport due to fear there will be a real limit to you gymnastics and you won't get past an intermediate level.

 

[d0nut_l0ver]

Thanks, but are you trying to say that my fear of games involving balls will affect my gymnastics ability? I got seriously injured by a soccer ball in 4th grade and that's when I became terrified of balls. At least when I'm playing with people in gym class; if it's just my friends, they always go easy on me.

 

[Kiwi]

I don't think you should consider quitting because of your dad's attitude. Let it be his problem, not yours. It's great that your mum is supportive. You could try having a talk with your dad, but rather than accusing him of not being supportive, perhaps approach it from the point of view of how you feel (squashed like a fly, etc.) and perhaps ask him why he is so unenthusiastic about the sport you love.

I think what Aussie coach meant about the fear issue is that if you developed fear of balls from an injury caused by a ball, the same thing could potentially happen with your gymnastics. Say if you injured yourself performing on beam, would you then avoid beam? If you got an injury doing bars, would you then avoid bars? Not saying this will happen, just that there may be potential for it. Learning to deal with your old fear of balls could also be helpful in preventing fear problems in gymnastics. If you are truly terrified, it may be worth seeking professional help from a psychologist.

 

[d0nut_l0ver]

Okay, I'll try that. But he has this thing where he things he's always right. He even admitted it to me once, but he wasn't saying it like he was sorry, but just like, "I HATE when people correct me! I'm ALWAYS right!" So it's not easy to try to talk to him about correcting his behavior.

Oh, okay, that makes more sense now. For some reason, injuries do not really affect me in gymnastics; I had a bad fall on the beam a few weeks ago but I just picked myself up, dusted myself off and got right back onto that beam to do more cartwheels. But I will try to get over my fear of balls, for practice. Thanks!

 

[Aussie_coach]

Yes, I did not mean the fear of balls would be an issue. All gymnasts will face fear as they progress and it can become paralyzingly fear. If you work on overcoming your fear of ball sports you will have developed a great skill to overcome fear which could make you an outstanding gymnast one day.

 

[cher062]

okay my 2 cents worth. I am assuming your mom and dad are divorced or at least seperated.
Unfortunatly you can't change how someone else feels or responds. You can only controly what you do.
Yes you want your dad to be that loving and supportive dad but he just can't be that right now. I would talk to your mom on this let her know how you feel and see if she can help you talk to your dad.

You should let your dad know how you feel just say what you said here. His feeling and the way he acts may actually have nothing to do with you at all but more with what is going on between your mom and dad.

when parents split up there are ALOT of raw emotions to handle and some people know how to deal with that better than others. Your dad may just not be handling life in general very well at this point. There may be some assumption he has made that have nothing to do with you but more to do with anger he has with your mom or other issues.

Focus on your sport and pray for your dad to come around to see that this is somthing you want and hopefully he will come around. If you can't talk to him then write all your feelings down in a letter to him and give it to him. Sometimes its easier to write them then to say them and those receiving the letter may have a better time hearing them in a letter.

Good Luck and let your mom know how you feel too.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

think you called that one right.^^^

 

[my4buffaloes]

I like cher062's idea of either writing a letter or having your mom talk to him. Or maybe you and your mom could talk to him. After that though, if nothing changes you will have to move on and not worry about it. It is disappointing for sure, but you can't let his behavior affect you and your sport. Well, you could but it wouldn't be healthy for you. You shouldn't quit something you love and you shouldn't do something you hate for someone else. Good luck and I wish he was more supportive of you.

 

[Galadriel]

i can relate because my husband |(still together!) is like this with my children!
he resents the time the activiites take and now years down the line i just have 1 dd doing an activity as such, and that is gymnastics - never takes to training, never watches competiitons, not interested whatsoever
It hurts her
She loves her sport and at least knows she has ME to take an interest - but it can be a conflict of interest between supporting your kid and supporting your relationship!
difficult
but - as the kid - yes, agree tell him how you feel, especially if you have an okay relationship with him sometimes - but realise your mom is there for the gym, and maybe your dad is there for other parts of your life - see what he DOES take an interest in - be it school work, or your friends and making them feel welcome, or doing a specific activity together
They both will have something for you - dont play them off against each other! Treat them as individuals who both love you and can give you different GOOD things!

 

[d0nut_l0ver]

Thanks so much Cher! This is the most helpful reply yet.

 

[d0nut_l0ver]

Yes, I did not mean the fear of balls would be an issue. All gymnasts will face fear as they progress and it can become paralyzingly fear. If you work on overcoming your fear of ball sports you will have developed a great skill to overcome fear which could make you an outstanding gymnast one day.

okay, thanks!

 

[d0nut_l0ver]

I like cher062's idea of either writing a letter or having your mom talk to him. Or maybe you and your mom could talk to him. After that though, if nothing changes you will have to move on and not worry about it. It is disappointing for sure, but you can't let his behavior affect you and your sport. Well, you could but it wouldn't be healthy for you. You shouldn't quit something you love and you shouldn't do something you hate for someone else. Good luck and I wish he was more supportive of you.

Thanks, and yes, I'm trying not to let his behavior get me down.

 

[d0nut_l0ver]

Thanks Galadriel, I understand completely! I'll try to do that the best I can.

 

[mustlovejumping]

I really like what someone said earlier about having an honest conversation with your dad. I think one of the biggest things you learn as you grow up is that no one is perfect, even your parents. There are times when you will be right and your parents will be wrong. I don't remember how old you said you were, but I think you're pretty close to being an adult, and part of that is learning how to have adult conversations with your parents. By that I mean you should be able to tell them what your concerns are in a mature and respectful way, and then also realize that they may respond in a very immature way (like refusing to listen or discuss the issue) and be able to accept their response and deal with it.

Sorry to not have happier advice, but there will always be people who will disappoint us in life and we have to learn how to find our own strength when we can't get it elsewhere.

 

[d0nut_l0ver]

Thanks, it's just really hard to talk to my dad because if you say he's doing something wrong, he freaks out and starts trying to lay blame on you when you did nothing.

 

[cher062]

When he does this remember it NOT YOU that has the problem its HIM.
he can't deal with what ever it is that is going on in his life and will take it out on anyone in the way you described because the outlet is there and available. He probably needs some counciling to deal with the things going on and learn to better communicate with you but as I said before you can only control you, what you say and how you react.

sounds like a letter might be the way to go - you aren't there to lash out at, he would have time to think before he starts blaming people and you don't have to be in the line of fire.

My parents were divorced when I was young so I know what you are going through as my dad was a jerk too. Don't get me wrong I love my Dad because he is my Dad but as an adult I can look back now and see that he needed a clue and stop acting like a jerk.

Hope it all works out for you and don't let him and his actions make you want to quit those things you love to do. Move on with your life and hope he can see what he is missing and come around to be that supportive dad you are hoping for. Good Luck

 

[d0nut_l0ver]

Thanks so much! Just reading that made me feel better.

 

[my4buffaloes]

Maybe rather than approaching it as something your dad is doing wrong - you should approach it as what you need from him and how it makes you feel when he acts a certain way or is unsupportive. I guess he could construe how you feel as saying he is wrong, but if you approach it that way, never mentioning that you think he is wrong that might work better. Good luck!

 

[d0nut_l0ver]

Okay, thanks so much!