Parents What to do? Child bullying dd during class...

[gymnastmom38]

Here's the backstory. My dd is 7 and goes to class 3 times a week for a total of 6 hours to an Advanced Girls class (7-12 yrs old). There is another girl who goes to the same class, but only for 2 out of the 3 days. This girl, who is probably 1-2 years older than dd, picks on my dd and has made it where my dd is wanting to not go on one of the days which is totally not like her.

This girl is relatively new (joined about a month ago). Dd said that she never listens in class, interrupts, cuts in line and talks down to dd telling her all of the things she's better at. Believe me, there are lots of things my dd is better at than her but I won't go into that.

She said that whenever the other girl is in class she makes it so that the other girls don't talk as much or have as much fun. But the other day she's not in there they all get along so well.

I've told dd to stand up for herself and not let her bully her. Does anyone have any advice? I don't think I want to talk to the coach just yet but I'd hate for this to escalate.

 

[bogwoppit]

Sorry this is happening, but you have no choice, you have to talk to the coach about this. If your dd doesn't want to got to gym due to the new girl, the coach needs to know.

 

[Blazing15]

She could always try just trying to stay away from her. Like when they are lining up or sitting down to stretch or whatever try to avoid being by her. I know this is hard but maybe she could try that but I do think that it will have to be brought up to the coach.

 

[bluesocks]

There is a girl in my dds class that sounds similar. I have had several conversations with my daughter about what she can control like not standing in line together, sitting next to other kids to stretch, etc. I have also spoken with the coach about trying to keep them separate. In this case, I probably would not use the word bully, but the other girl pushes and goofs off and does not listen. I was actually very proud of my daughter at practice this week when I heard her tell the girl she was not allowed to goof off anymore and then looked deliberately at me. I think it helped the other girl know I was watching. Of course, I saw her pushing and teasing a different child in the class. So, I guess the problem is not solved, but my daughter is learning how to ignore someone else's poor behavior.

Good luck with this! It is a difficult situation.

Blue

 

[mariposa]

My DD has been in situations like this a few times. Most times they groups were big enough that she could try hard to stay away from the problem child, but if it was a small group and that was impossible, I probably would have mentioned it to the coaches. I never get why the parents of these children that act like this don't realize their kids are bullies. I am not there all the time, but when I do, I watch and if I saw my kid making another kid unhappy, I would talk to her. And I talk to my kid all the time (when she complains about something someone did) about why it isn't nice, what to do, etc, in hopes she will not do the same thing to someone else.

I don't envy your position. Good luck getting it figured out.

 

[LizzieLac]

Yes, my DD, has also been in these kinds of situations a few times. When she was younger, I would ask if she wanted me to say something to a teacher or coach. By asking her if she wanted me involved gave her a chance to really think about how serious she thought it was, and if she could handle it herself.

I have to say with most of these instances I don't even remember how they were resolved - which I think shows that many of them are fleeting occurances, resolve themselves, or simply not that big a deal. However, in one instance I wrote an email to DD's teacher. She was wonderful, and agreed to keep an eye on things and ended up having my DD and the other girl talk things through with the teacher. That does not always work, but in this case it did.

In gym, there have been 1-2 nosy girls getting in her business about what level she was going to (as you know, the kip challenge has caused some tough decisions between level 4 and level 5!). So DD and I talked though how she felt about the girls being nosy. I told her she had every right to the other girls that they should worry about their own gymnastics!! She did end up telling one girl something along those lines and the nosiness stopped.

One last point, I have encouraged my DD to talk to her coaches (both in gym and swimming) about these kinds of situations (or other relevant things) becuase I want her to realize that she has a realtionship with the coach and has the right to express herself. Now, I stressed this last year when she was 9, and I have to admit it may not be the best approach for kids a few years younger than that.

 

[MdGymMom01]

My dd has been in this situation when she was younger and sometimes telling the coach (even though it is the right thing to do) does not always help. I have just taught my daughter to stand up for herself by saying things back to the bully. I would even go through "practice runs" and give my dd examples of one-liners to say back in pretty much any situation just so that she has something to say, but isn't rude about it. And that usually did the trick. Once the girl knew that my kid wasn't going to be quiet and let herself be picked on, the bullying stopped.

Bullies usually pick on kids younger and smaller than them and they choose the "quiet shy kids" that won't speak up for themselves. So once your dd shows this bully that she is NOT going to take her crap, then the bullying will probably stop.

Try having your dd say things back like, "Thank you!! You're so nice!" or "You're just jealous!" or "If you're so much better than me, how come you aren't in a more advanced class?". My dd was very small, quiet and NEVER talked back so she was an easy target for bullies and still is, but at least now it doesn't last too long because she now speaks up for herself.

And speaking up for yourself is not the same as stooping to the bully's level or egging them on. It's about taking back the power that they are trying to steal from you. This is important for young kids to learn and distinguish.

Good luck to your dd!! Bullying is way more common nowadays and it is even more rampant among girls. There are also some threads about bullying and how to handle it on the CB that you can probably search and find.

 

[LittlePhantom]

I would speak to the coach because that behavior should not be tolerated, it is not fair to the other girls to be bullied in any way shape or form. This other girls behavior is interfering with your DDs ability to learn and much like school it should not be tolerated imho. Would you talk to the teacher if it was in her classroom?

As for what to tell your daughter, I was a teacher before becoming a SAHM, and my advice to kids was always to take a "so what" attitude when someone says things about being better then they are. If this girl is getting a reaction from your Dd or other girls, it will only fuel her behavior. If they shrug their shoulders at her and ignore her comments it might take the proverbial wind out of her sails and she might stop. Its SO much harder to actually DO that when you are a little kid but I have seen it work well to stop similar situations. I would still make sure the coach is fully aware of the situation and that they intervene when needed. I know at our gym that stuff is not tolerated...When my DD first started she was at a different gym where kids would push and shove to the front of the line and were never redirected...so DD was always pushed aside because she was small and not very assertive. We changed gyms after a year and a half because even after I said something the unruly kids got all the attention.

Good luck and I hope it stops soon !

 

[lilgymmie7]

My DD has been in this situation a few times. It stems from her age and her desire to 'fit' in with the big girls. I have had to talk to the coaches and at times talked to the parents of the girls. My little one has not been the complete innocent one on occassion. Knowing this factor to be true even before all of this, I have always asked her what her part was, what she did?
I can say that the open line of communication with her coaches has also allowed for them to come to me with further situations and a confirmation that she hasn't done anything at other times. That helps me to not point a finger at her. I could never tell my child to defend herself in a situation like that. She is always held accountable for what she did, etc. I have expressed defending themselves to all three of my kids when they feel their body/life is threatened. But this is my parenting style. I am only speaking of myself. I think talking to the adults/coaches, parents is very much warranted.

 

[MaryA]

It does often seem to be the "new" girls who do this. It's probably some sort of coping mechanism having to do with coming into a group where the rest of the class already has formed friendships. Usually, once the new girl feels more a part of things, it clears up on its own. But that's not to say that you shouldn't talk to the coach about it if its effecting your daughter's enjoyment of the classes!

 

[Bella's Mom]

Standing up to aggression is a social skill all children have to learn. Gymnastics can be a safe place to do it rather than the playground since there are adults around.

I like the "so what" response over the "then why aren't you in a high level" response. No need to meet aggression with more aggression.

Bella is small for her age. She frequently gets asked if she's 4. She is by far the smallest kid in her class. But she will not allow herself to be picked on. She usually will talk back to the aggressor or if she's feeling unsure, just ignore the person.

I sometimes have to watch that she isn't the one being a bully. Someone asked why parents don't do something if their kid's are mean. I think most parents do. But it's not something that I can tell her one time and the lesson sinks in. She is learning how to be polite and considerate of others, but she is also naturally very assertive/aggressive. This can be perceived as bullying I suppose sometimes but I do not ignore it. She is learning how to keep her "fire" while remaining kind to others.

If it is interferring with gymnastics, I think you give your daughter a couple of tools to cope and give her a chance. If she can't do it on her own, then you have no choice but to involve the coach....just as you would involve your child's teacher if this were taking place in the classroom.

 

[Shelovesthebars]

Bullies need to be dealt with by a coach period.

 

[gymnastmom38]

Thank you everyone for your comments and suggestions. I talked to dd last night and gave her some advice to just try and stay away for the girl during warm-ups and during class if at all possible. I told her to try to ignore her and if she says mean things to her that she needs to look her dead in the eyes and tell her "stop talking like that to me". If that approach does not work, I will be talking to the coach.

Believe me when I tell you that the little girl's parents are....um, how shall I say....interesting. I can definitely tell where the girl got her manners from.

 

[MdGymMom01]

Believe me when I tell you that the little girl's parents are....um, how shall I say....interesting. I can definitely tell where the girl got her manners from.

You hit the nail square on the head!!!! This is exactly where these kids learn this bullying behaviour. There is so much truth to the saying "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree."

 

[LittlePhantom]

You hit the nail square on the head!!!! This is exactly where these kids learn this bullying behaviour. There is so much truth to the saying "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree."

When I was teaching we called that "Macintosh Syndrome"

 

[cher062]

Here's the backstory. My dd is 7 and goes to class 3 times a week for a total of 6 hours to an Advanced Girls class (7-12 yrs old). There is another girl who goes to the same class, but only for 2 out of the 3 days. This girl, who is probably 1-2 years older than dd, picks on my dd and has made it where my dd is wanting to not go on one of the days which is totally not like her.

This girl is relatively new (joined about a month ago). Dd said that she never listens in class, interrupts, cuts in line and talks down to dd telling her all of the things she's better at. Believe me, there are lots of things my dd is better at than her but I won't go into that.

She said that whenever the other girl is in class she makes it so that the other girls don't talk as much or have as much fun. But the other day she's not in there they all get along so well.

I've told dd to stand up for herself and not let her bully her. Does anyone have any advice? I don't think I want to talk to the coach just yet but I'd hate for this to escalate.

Ok I'm not saying this didn't happen but I have seen some actions happen that really weren't what a child discribed. Some one bumps into some one by accident and the story the kid tells me is they pushed them and hit them because that is how they perceived it. Usually it happens when kids personalities don't exactly mesh or there is a strong personality involved (which sounds like what you have). I don't like to generalize, however the behavior you describe usually is seen from kids where they are the only child. Again I'm not saying that the "Only child" all act this way but after 20 years in the education field it tends to be more often than not.

I would first stay for a few practices to see if how your DDs decribes the situation is actualy as bad as your DD says or just her perception. If you see the same thing then I would have a talk with the coaches and voice your concerns.