Parents Anyone else REALLY want their DD to quit?

[needcoffee]

No not really. i love love love watching her do gymnastics, and I love everything she gets out of it, but of course there are factors that I really don't like, and have an inward grumble about. Cost, Sunday morning training, picking up at 8pm with DS in tow as there's no one to watch him, organising babysitters for comps (DP works away, all of our family are nuts, so I rely on my friends for a lot and I hate it).

I admit I didn't research the commitment before I made it. But it's here now and she would probably end up in therapy later in life if I forced her to quit.

 

[MILgymFAM]

I understand the stress that comes with feeling that gym owns your life- not just your kid's life, but your whole family's life. Not to mention how it dominates the family budget. I have gone through so much to get my ODD to a place where she just gets her chance to pursue this the way she wanted. Dealt with logistical problems that would grey your hair. It has been hard and stressful and expensive, and I have shed tears more than once in frustration. All this, and we are only two years into competition for ODD and one year in for YDD. We live 3600 miles from family and my ODD never has off for more than four days straight- not even at Christmas. That means we aren't planning any visits home anytime soon. My girls go to gym 5 days and 30 hours between them, and I do all the driving, planning, prepping, etc- alone... And I know that my life could be SO much easier without gymnastics.

But. And this is the biggest but ever. My girls LOVE what they do. They LOVE competing. They have found reserves of strength in themselves that I didn't know they had. They give their all and keep right on going. They inspire me and I know deep in my heart that every sacrifice is worth it. They aren't the best gymnasts, either of them, but they continue to amaze me. Without gym I wouldn't know exactly what they are made of, what great teammates they are, how well they handle stress- physical and mental, how intrinsically motivated they are, or how great they are at managing their time. My girls are older- 12 and 14, and when I think of the way some of the 'normal' girls we know behave...well, I'm very glad they have something better to focus on than boys and shopping.

So, I commiserate with your reasons, but no...I don't wish they would quit. In fact, I hope they never quit. Nothing would please me more than for either of them to being doing adult classes or coaching someday. I agree with some others that said that if you truly feel that way now, please accept that it won't get better on its own. You are the parent and at the end of the day, every day, it's your decision to allow her to continue down her current path. You can force an alternative- or you can force her to stop altogether. She is young and resilient and would find something else. One thing you said that I find concerning is that you have been disappointed in her performance at meets. Why??? I can't imagine watching my kids put themselves out there and try their best and feeling anything other than pride.

 

[SHELOVESGYM]

No we are not at a powerhouse gym. She practices 10 hours per week. There is no strict rule about not missing practice but it is definitely discouraged particularly during the summer b/c our compulsories compete in the Fall. Also I want to give her the best shot of doing well that I can -b/c she needs it.

Some of you mention that you are surprised that I am not proud watching her compete regardless of how she does. No, pride is the last thing I feel when watching her during meets. I am VERY proud of her for many many things -she's a great kid. But she consistently comes in very last place at meets -by a lot -and hasn't even improved from the beginning to the end of the season. She falls multiple times on each event during meets. I am proud that she keeps going despite this, very proud. But I also feel like a terrible parent for putting her out there (though again all I did was sign up for pre team when invited and team when invited!). And with each fall I am more and more disappointed b/c I know she will be sad after the meet. I have never seen her do a routine during a meet and thought she'd done her best -she is better in practice.

 

[needcoffee]

Some kids have really bad competition nerves. My dd is one of them. Just because she does better at practice doesnt mean she isnt doing her best at meets. I have NEVER met a kid who walked into a meet thinking "im not going to do my best today".

Beam is my dds downfall at comps. Ive seen her do some amazing routines at practice. Her coach has seen her do routines better than our top scorer. Yet ive come to not expect more than an 8.0 at comps. She just gets soooo nervous.

 

[l.c.o]

Also I want to give her the best shot of doing well that I can -b/c she needs it.

Some of you mention that you are surprised that I am not proud watching her compete regardless of how she does. No, pride is the last thing I feel when watching her during meets. I am VERY proud of her for many many things -she's a great kid. But she consistently comes in very last place at meets -by a lot -and hasn't even improved from the beginning to the end of the season. She falls multiple times on each event during meets. I am proud that she keeps going despite this, very proud. But I also feel like a terrible parent for putting her out there (though again all I did was sign up for pre team when invited and team when invited!). And with each fall I am more and more disappointed b/c I know she will be sad after the meet. I have never seen her do a routine during a meet and thought she'd done her best -she is better in practice.

Is this something that a repeat year and more experience can help?

DD once had a teammate who was under a lot of pressure to do well. The more pressure she felt, the worse she did. She lost skills, fell at meets. Not implying its your fault at all, I'm not there, but if she's sensing your frustration, it's probably not helping.

My DD went from a season of placing at maybe 50% of her meets.

Oh gosh, accidentally clicked post again... Continued:

While she certainly wasn't last place, she repeated the level the following year and did much better. That built up her confidence which helped for the next level, etc.

Having a mediocre year helped her to appreciate doing well, helped her to empathize with first-year teammates not doing so well, and in general, helped shape the person she is today in a positive way.

And for the record, if this is all the case, Xcel may not be a huge help if placing well is a focus, as I imagine fewer hours and less focus on strength training, which comes with many Xcel programs won't help matters. While competition may be less intense, so is the training.

 

[SeaActually]

I should also say that the intense schedule of gymnastics in and of itself will keep her busy during some potentially difficult growing and maturing times. A kid in the gym for 20 hours a week doesn't really have time for getting into mischief, if you KWIM.

One reason why I don't want mine to quit!

 

[suebee]

I'm sorry. That must be difficult.

My dd is also L3, and while some girls and parents take gymnastics really seriously, we don't. Yes, we take her to practice and meets and encourage her to do her best, but we never really talk about scoring well or winning medals or trophies. It's really just fun for her, and she loves it. She'd goes to every practice with a huge smile and comes out of every practice with a huge smile. Every meet ends with a big smile, whether she fell off the beam or not. So we roll with it. She sometimes does well and sometimes doesn't. She doesn't seem to care too much about her scores or medals, although I know she knows what they are.

I have always felt sorry for my dd's teammates who look miserable at meets. I don't usually take dd to practice so I don't know if they are miserable at practice too. One of the girls quit this summer, in part due to her unhappiness at always doing worse at meets than in practice and never placing as well as she wanted to.

I always thought gym was a lot of time and I wondered about putting her on this path. I tried to encourage her to try other things and that is really my biggest worry - that she's limiting herself from other activities and discovering other interests.

But my other child, who is not a gymnast, does just as many hours a week in extracurricular activites as dd. Actually, more, now that I add them up. His activites require just as much driving and require more home time devoted to them as well (practicing 2 musical instruments). But the difference is that because he does multiple activites, I feel like he is more well rounded and trying a lot more stuff and doesn't have all his eggs in one basket. And it's easier if he decides he's over scheduled to drop 1 activity next year, as opposed to dd, who can't really choose to go to gym less (not that she wants to).

 

[SHELOVESGYM]

Is this something that a repeat year and more experience can help?

DD once had a teammate who was under a lot of pressure to do well. The more pressure she felt, the worse she did. She lost skills, fell at meets. Not implying its your fault at all, I'm not there, but if she's sensing your frustration, it's probably not helping.

My DD went from a season of placing at maybe 50% of her meets.

Oh gosh, accidentally clicked post again... Continued:

While she certainly wasn't last place, she repeated the level the following year and did much better. That built up her confidence which helped for the next level, etc.

Having a mediocre year helped her to appreciate doing well, helped her to empathize with first-year teammates not doing so well, and in general, helped shape the person she is today in a positive way.

And for the record, if this is all the case, Xcel may not be a huge help if placing well is a focus, as I imagine fewer hours and less focus on strength training, which comes with many Xcel programs won't help matters. While competition may be less intense, so is the training.

Yes, I am well aware that my anxiety and frustration probably effect her performance negatively. I REALLY try to hide it -but it's there and I'm sure she picks up on it. Another reason why I would LOVE to see her quit -I feel like I can't parent her well while she's in this sport and removing her from the sport will be better for the entire family.

And yes, I agree that xcel would not be a good move for her and we have no plans to do it. I think x cel is filled with girls with natural ability to do hard skills without a lot of training -and that's not my DD. I also think it would be similarly stressful b/c they are still out there competing in an individual sport.

 

[needcoffee]

What does she like about gym? DD loves floor, the other events, not so much. Shes expressed an interest in cheer if she ever decides shes had enough of gymnastics. We have a cheer gym literally right next door to our current gym, a lot of girls migrate there after awhile.

 

[SHELOVESGYM]

I'm sorry. That must be difficult.

My dd is also L3, and while some girls and parents take gymnastics really seriously, we don't. Yes, we take her to practice and meets and encourage her to do her best, but we never really talk about scoring well or winning medals or trophies. It's really just fun for her, and she loves it. She'd goes to every practice with a huge smile and comes out of every practice with a huge smile. Every meet ends with a big smile, whether she fell off the beam or not. So we roll with it. She sometimes does well and sometimes doesn't. She doesn't seem to care too much about her scores or medals, although I know she knows what they are.

I have always felt sorry for my dd's teammates who look miserable at meets. I don't usually take dd to practice so I don't know if they are miserable at practice too. One of the girls quit this summer, in part due to her unhappiness at always doing worse at meets than in practice and never placing as well as she wanted to.

I always thought gym was a lot of time and I wondered about putting her on this path. I tried to encourage her to try other things and that is really my biggest worry - that she's limiting herself from other activities and discovering other interests.

But my other child, who is not a gymnast, does just as many hours a week in extracurricular activites as dd. Actually, more, now that I add them up. His activites require just as much driving and require more home time devoted to them as well (practicing 2 musical instruments). But the difference is that because he does multiple activites, I feel like he is more well rounded and trying a lot more stuff and doesn't have all his eggs in one basket. And it's easier if he decides he's over scheduled to drop 1 activity next year, as opposed to dd, who can't really choose to go to gym less (not that she wants to).

That's great that it is going so well for your DD and you.

FWIW we have NEVER discussed scores, placements, etc. As I mentioned DD is always dead last. Before each meet we have discussed goals as I've read others doing. They always seem reasonable and she usually misses every single one of them and then some -like if her goal is to not fall on beam she manages to fall twice. And yes, she is disappointed in herself about that and about coming in last place.

 

[SHELOVESGYM]

What does she like about gym? DD loves floor, the other events, not so much. Shes expressed an interest in cheer if she ever decides shes had enough of gymnastics. We have a cheer gym literally right next door to our current gym, a lot of girls migrate there after awhile.

DD's favorite is also floor -though she likes the others too. I think she particularly likes the social aspect and being part of a team -something she could get in another sport. She also likes telling non-gym friends that she's on team -not in a braggy way but it's something she's very proud of.

 

[SHELOVESGYM]

And to reply to the question of would a repeat year fix this -if she does continue I sincerely hope that a repeat year makes her much better. But I have my doubts b/c she seems to be so bad and have such bad competition nerves. Her form is horrible. She looks like she's doing a whole different sport from some of the high placing girls.

 

[needcoffee]

How old is she?

 

[momnipotent]

If she likes floor and the team aspect, could you gently encourage her to try cheer? Or do you have any rhythmic, tumbling, or acro program near you? Any of those might be a good way for her to keep the team and gymnastics aspects but in an arena where she might be able to be more successful.

 

[MILgymFAM]

I can tell you this. I'm not perfect. Occasionally something pops out of my mouth that I wish I wouldn't have said. For instance, my DD tells every detail of every practice to me on the way home from gym, and once I blurted out, "and you thought that was a good practice, why?" I felt like a total jerk, but the point of me telling you is this- she genuinely thought she had a great practice before I ruined her feelings about it. She has come in the bottom half to last at nearly every meet and she is definitely old enough to understand. She actually sees every angle of what improved and didn't, went well and didn't better than I can. Maybe your DD is sad coming out of meets (and maybe even practice) because she can sense your disappointment and disdain at her performance. I know my DD is perfectly happy to come in last as long as she feels she tried her best. My YDD hates to come in last, so I know sometimes that's just how they feel, but she still shrugs it off and smiles after a minute. Heck, she's gotten a zero on an event (T&T) and was really sad for a few minutes and then laughing at herself soon after.

 

[bookworm]

After reading this whole thread again, I can't imagine why the OP's daughter would want to continue...coming in dead last all the time, and mom is disappointed as well ( and the daughter probably senses that), with no improvement noted and goals never being met....how miserable the child must be! My heart breaks for....I get that she likes being "on team" but this experience seems so demoralizing to her that I wonder if it is worth it...and might another type of team activity be explored that she might have some chance at success with...

 

[Graham14]

I don't have any gymnastics specific advice or experience, as my DD is just going to start this January, but I was a kid who did hours upon hours of dance and sports (20+ a week). As soon as school let out, I was at field hockey practice and as soon as that was over, my mom had to cart me over to dance asap and I was there for more hours. When it was Christmas ballet performance season, I was in the studio almost everyday and long hours on weekends. I loved every minute of it, but I'm sure my parents did get tired of the huge expenses and hours and driving, etc. all vacations were planned around auditions, performances, games, and tryouts. And the programs I was in were not friendly to missing a day or two.

In the early years, I was often benched a lot during games and i never got good parts and was always in the back for group dances. Eventually it all clicked because I was passionate, worked harder than anyone, and stuck with it. and my parents were supportive. No, I didn't go on to play in college or go on to dance with the New York City ballet or anything, but I learned many valuable lessons and to this day I still have a lot of muscle memory and flexibility.

I'm not saying what you should do, but I wouldn't base whether or not to have her quit on her performance. Even if she is getting dead last. I was the equivalent of dead last for many years. Little attention span, no superb innate coordination, wrong muscle fibers, poor turnout, not great feet, short legs, panic during a game, etc... I loved what I did and I didn't give up. Eventually drive and determination and effort paid off. Maybe gymnastics isn't right for your family, but I just wouldn't let your DD think that if you're not super talented or if you hit a speed bump, that you are supposed to quit.

 

[MeetDirector]

My dd went from pre-team all the way to level 10. I once totaled up what we had spent. If you are feeling the pinch now, it doesn't get any better financially, nor impact on family.

Let me say this after reading this whole thing. I think its time for you to be the parent in this relationship and find her another activity. You could try getting the coach's input into her future, but consider what you would do with any information you obtained. There are some kids for whom gymnastics just doesn't work.

I truely wish you the best with this difficult situation.

 

[RTT2]

Has she tried other sports? Would you feel disappointed if she loved something like soccer but wasn't a big scorer and was often on a losing team? I think if it's causing this much unhappiness in your family then it just isn't working, but I hope for your sake and hers it's not disappointing if she doesn't excel at everything she tries (and possibly loves). Hope you find some peace with this- it's clearly a big source of stress for your family when it's not really necessary. There are so many different sports and activities, and while she may love this right now, she might find something else she loves that isn't as time consuming and stressful for the family before long.

 

[GYM0M]

DD's favorite is also floor -though she likes the others too. I think she particularly likes the social aspect and being part of a team -something she could get in another sport. She also likes telling non-gym friends that she's on team -not in a braggy way but it's something she's very proud of.

Have you thought about competition cheer?
It's not the same as gymnastics, but incorporates all of the aspects that she seems to enjoy the most. Take her for a tryout sometime.