Parents How to help after a competition

[Amc123]

My daughter competed and had an amazing comp (clean on everything and very few wobbles) yet she didn't place. Her disappointment is heartbreaking because to her she did her best and cleanly (more so tha other gymnasts and harder skills) yet wasn't reflected on placings. I'm not from the gym world so have no idea on what the judges are looking for but how do you explain this to a child who feels they couldn't have done anything more. Honestly feel it's a horrible sport. It's not a clear cut like football or a race, a lot is of course opinions. I always ask what she wants to achieve from each comp and not in terms of placings or medals and that doesn't seem to help either. Any advice would be grateful. Thanks

 

[Coach Kate]

Sometimes it's because they're just in a tough age group. One score could win one division and not place in another. Sometimes they're missing a requirement but the routine looked good (like for example a horizontal cast or vertical handstand or a leap that's too small). If your daughter is disappointed, I would encourage her to ask her coach what her deductions were or just how scoring was. I have no problems when kids ask me those kinds of questions.

 

[Amc123]

Thank you for your reply. Last week there was between 0.5 - 0.8 between 8th and 3rd i think. Is a very tough age group. My daughter suffers with her knees and looking bent even though theyre not. Possibly tight hamstrings would you say?

 

[cmg]

Did she get new high scores on any event or all around? Did she have fun until she didn't place? Did you go out after the meet and celebrate no matter what? Obviously without more details on the meet it is hard to answer this. However, some gyms do hold kids back on purpose the inflate their scores so they can look good and win team awards. I don't know if you were competing in an area that has gyms like that. You should talk to her coach and find out why she didn't place. What looks good to parents often is not meeting the compulsory requirements. If you don't know the requirements or the routines, you won't know why she didn't place. I am not saying you as a parent have to know all the details/requirements, but just know that what the judges see and what you see are two completely different things. Talk to her coach and see what plans they have to improve if necessary. Gymnastics is hard and yes very judgmental. That is not going to change and only gets worse as you rise into higher levels. You will have to get used to this if you stay in gymnastics for long.

 

[Amc123]

Her coach is brilliant and explains everything. We're sent the levels requirements etc and yes there's gyms that hold gymnasts back for sure. Unfortunately no live scores so no idea how the marks actually were. Yeah she had fun and loved it but I guess as a parent you want to protect them from the hurt.

 

[cmg]

Her coach is brilliant and explains everything. We're sent the levels requirements etc and yes there's gyms that hold gymnasts back for sure. Unfortunately no live scores so no idea how the marks actually were. Yeah she had fun and loved it but I guess as a parent you want to protect them from the hurt.

I get that. My daughter's first year at the State meet she didn't get anything, and I think even came in last in her group. I was worried but we stopped at the DQ on the way home just like every other meet and when we got home, I thought she might want to quit, but instead we had movie night and watched "Stick It" so I figured she would be ok. She is now doing D3 college gymnastics! All sports can be brutal, but they do learn good life lessons on the way.

 

[HopefulGymnast]

I don't know what age your daughter is, but at some point maybe it could help to have her consider the following: do you want to be the best you can be, or do you just want to win a lot? It's a legitimate question.
Where I'm from, there's a lot of different levels of education (academically). Growing up, my mother always warned me that at some point they'd put me in a level where I wouldn't be at the top of my class anymore, and that's ok: it means I've found the level that is challenging for me.
Apologies if the anekdote is a bit odd, but here's my point:
If you're always the best, I think sometimes that just means you're at the wrong level. If the competiton is tough, and you're not always placing, that means you're challenging yourself. That is something you can be proud of. If all your daughter wants is to place and to medal, then she could consider one of the gyms that holds their gymnasts back too much. But I think there is a way of looking at this as: "Wow, these girls are amazing and I'm starting to keep up with them. Just think how good I'll be next time when I get even better".
Of course, there's a balance, you need to be at a level that is fun and safe even if it's challenging.
I think it's perfectly okay to be dissapointed, learning to handle dissapointment is a part of life and it's okay to be sad about something. That being said, I agree with the others; celebrate, make it clear that you're proud of her efforts and improvements, and maybe talk about how she feels about everything and what her motivations are when she's up to it.
Good luck with everything

PS. Sorry if my post is a bit convoluted, I hope I frased things in a kind and helpful way.

 

[Amc123]

I don't know what age your daughter is, but at some point maybe it could help to have her consider the following: do you want to be the best you can be, or do you just want to win a lot? It's a legitimate question.
Where I'm from, there's a lot of different levels of education (academically). Growing up, my mother always warned me that at some point they'd put me in a level where I wouldn't be at the top of my class anymore, and that's ok: it means I've found the level that is challenging for me.
Apologies if the anekdote is a bit odd, but here's my point:
If you're always the best, I think sometimes that just means you're at the wrong level. If the competiton is tough, and you're not always placing, that means you're challenging yourself. That is something you can be proud of. If all your daughter wants is to place and to medal, then she could consider one of the gyms that holds their gymnasts back too much. But I think there is a way of looking at this as: "Wow, these girls are amazing and I'm starting to keep up with them. Just think how good I'll be next time when I get even better".
Of course, there's a balance, you need to be at a level that is fun and safe even if it's challenging.
I think it's perfectly okay to be dissapointed, learning to handle dissapointment is a part of life and it's okay to be sad about something. That being said, I agree with the others; celebrate, make it clear that you're proud of her efforts and improvements, and maybe talk about how she feels about everything and what her motivations are when she's up to it.
Good luck with everything

PS. Sorry if my post is a bit convoluted, I hope I frased things in a kind and helpful way.

You're absolutely right. We celebrate the fact she's done a competition and if it was clean or she nailed something in particular. We put 0 pressure on her and just want her to enjoy it. You really have articulated it beautifully . Thank you x

 

[BusyMomof2]

I'm not sure how old your daughter is, but in USAG the Junior A age group is killer. The lowest score in Junior A could easily be podium finisher in a different age group. My daugher likes to pick a couple of goals before each meet - sticking a particular landing, staying on the beam, etc. That helps her focus on something aside from scores/medals.

 

[Coach Kate]

I'm not sure how old your daughter is, but in USAG the Junior A age group is killer. The lowest score in Junior A could easily be podium finisher in a different age group. My daugher likes to pick a couple of goals before each meet - sticking a particular landing, staying on the beam, etc. That helps her focus on something aside from scores/medals.

Junior A will vary from meet to meet and level to level, it's not universal. Most meets, they take the number of competitors and try to divide it as evenly as possible by birth date. So if there are 30, the 10 youngest might be Child, the next 10 Junior, and the 10 oldest Senior.

 

[SupportingHerDreams]

I think as parents we help set the tone greatly! My daughter's support team (or fan club as we like to call ourselves), grandparents, parents and aunt, all try to put most of our focus on my daughter's individual growth and hard work. We celebrate scores being better than they have been but put most of our focus on the little wins like her getting her kip better than it has been.

With all that said we were at a gym where the coaching style was not a good fit for my child and she consistently scored in the bottom 3. I could see that this was not the best option for my daughter's dreams and goals and I started to research. Our family decided that a gym change was the best decision and my daughter just finished her first meet with the new gym. The child that hardly ever placed in an event and never placed AA (literally, she was bottom 3 at every meet in the AA, except 1) placed 3rd AA and 1st on floor, 2nd on beam. I asked if that felt better than not placing and she said yes but we quickly brought our focus back to the little wins and away from scoring.

All that to say, I do think that we play a big part in how placement and scores affect our children but I also think there is a time that we should question if there may be a better option.

Last note: I was watching a video one time on how to help our gymnasts through a tough meet and my daughter walked up right as the speaker was saying that a child feel as loved after a bad meet as they feel after a good meet. I asked my daughter how she feels after a bad meet and she said that she probably feels more loved after a bad meet than after a good meet. I was thrilled!! I think that should be our goal, to make sure our child feels celebrated and loved no matter their performance. Leave the correcting to the coach and we should be there to celebrate them and all their hard work!

 

[NutterButter]

My daughter competed and had an amazing comp (clean on everything and very few wobbles) yet she didn't place. Her disappointment is heartbreaking because to her she did her best and cleanly (more so tha other gymnasts and harder skills) yet wasn't reflected on placings. I'm not from the gym world so have no idea on what the judges are looking for but how do you explain this to a child who feels they couldn't have done anything more. Honestly feel it's a horrible sport. It's not a clear cut like football or a race, a lot is of course opinions. I always ask what she wants to achieve from each comp and not in terms of placings or medals and that doesn't seem to help either. Any advice would be grateful. Thanks

Thank you for your reply. Last week there was between 0.5 - 0.8 between 8th and 3rd i think. Is a very tough age group. My daughter suffers with her knees and looking bent even though theyre not. Possibly tight hamstrings would you say?

I agree with much that has already been posted. A very long time ago here someone wrote that the meet is the celebration of all the hard work in the gym. This really resonated with me it emphasized the work and prep going into meets and not the outcome. You can't control the performance of other athletes. You can't control the judging. Up to a certain point you can't control falls, nerves, wobbles, etc as those things happen to all gymnasts, from the most to the least talented. I tried to instill this with my kid throughout her entire time in the sport.

A couple of things in your post that stand out...try not to be 'heartbroken' by her not getting a medal or whatever. Sometimes your 'best' will not be enough to medal and sometimes your athlete's 'worst' gets them on the podium. Try to avoid comparisons to other athletes. You mention that your daughter was cleaner and competed harder skills but (in your opinion) wasn't rewarded as you would have thought. And then you comment that her knees look bent. Form is everything in gymnastics - especially in lower levels where competing harder skills doesn't give any point bonus. My DD, in her first year competing Xcel, would usually score higher competing a cartwheel than her teammates who competed a back walkover. This confused so many parents as the BWO is considered a harder skill. Additional points were not given for the BWO and my DDs cartwheel was much cleaner than other's BWO and her score reflected that. But parents new to gymnastics didn't understand that so to them it just looked like my DD unfairly placed higher. Regarding your DD's knees - some athletes do have problems with hypermobility which impacts their ability to be straight and of course sometimes there are just areas where a gymnast struggles strength-wise related to their natural build. Your coach should be aware of this and working with you DD on either strength building or a different mix of skills to better complement her physique. (Note: compulsory routines are hard for some kids and they do better once they get to optionals and routines can be tailored to their strengths).

Bottom line - reiterate to your DD how proud you are of her and how much you enjoy watching her do something she loves. Downplay the placements.

 

[Amc123]

I agree with much that has already been posted. A very long time ago here someone wrote that the meet is the celebration of all the hard work in the gym. This really resonated with me it emphasized the work and prep going into meets and not the outcome. You can't control the performance of other athletes. You can't control the judging. Up to a certain point you can't control falls, nerves, wobbles, etc as those things happen to all gymnasts, from the most to the least talented. I tried to instill this with my kid throughout her entire time in the sport.

A couple of things in your post that stand out...try not to be 'heartbroken' by her not getting a medal or whatever. Sometimes your 'best' will not be enough to medal and sometimes your athlete's 'worst' gets them on the podium. Try to avoid comparisons to other athletes. You mention that your daughter was cleaner and competed harder skills but (in your opinion) wasn't rewarded as you would have thought. And then you comment that her knees look bent. Form is everything in gymnastics - especially in lower levels where competing harder skills doesn't give any point bonus. My DD, in her first year competing Xcel, would usually score higher competing a cartwheel than her teammates who competed a back walkover. This confused so many parents as the BWO is considered a harder skill. Additional points were not given for the BWO and my DDs cartwheel was much cleaner than other's BWO and her score reflected that. But parents new to gymnastics didn't understand that so to them it just looked like my DD unfairly placed higher. Regarding your DD's knees - some athletes do have problems with hypermobility which impacts their ability to be straight and of course sometimes there are just areas where a gymnast struggles strength-wise related to their natural build. Your coach should be aware of this and working with you DD on either strength building or a different mix of skills to better complement her physique. (Note: compulsory routines are hard for some kids and they do better once they get to optionals and routines can be tailored to their strengths).

Bottom line - reiterate to your DD how proud you are of her and how much you enjoy watching her do something she loves. Downplay

 

[Amc123]

Maybe I didn't articulate this correctly. I am not heartbroken she didn't place far from it but seeing her dissapointment and pull herself apart is heartbreaking when we are her biggest support. She did her flic on the beam beautiful as all her other skills such as her upstart. However her previous coach from another gym would always constantly mention her knees being the issue so I was trying to understand the sport better because quite frankly I haven't a clue. We don't compare as I've said we don't understand it but she does. We've never expected anything from her and she knows that. She puts the pressure on herself

 

[Amc123]

I think as parents we help set the tone greatly! My daughter's support team (or fan club as we like to call ourselves), grandparents, parents and aunt, all try to put most of our focus on my daughter's individual growth and hard work. We celebrate scores being better than they have been but put most of our focus on the little wins like her getting her kip better than it has been.

With all that said we were at a gym where the coaching style was not a good fit for my child and she consistently scored in the bottom 3. I could see that this was not the best option for my daughter's dreams and goals and I started to research. Our family decided that a gym change was the best decision and my daughter just finished her first meet with the new gym. The child that hardly ever placed in an event and never placed AA (literally, she was bottom 3 at every meet in the AA, except 1) placed 3rd AA and 1st on floor, 2nd on beam. I asked if that felt better than not placing and she said yes but we quickly brought our focus back to the little wins and away from scoring.

All that to say, I do think that we play a big part in how placement and scores affect our children but I also think there is a time that we should question if there may be a better option.

Last note: I was watching a video one time on how to help our gymnasts through a tough meet and my daughter walked up right as the speaker was saying that a child feel as loved after a bad meet as they feel after a good meet. I asked my daughter how she feels after a bad meet and she said that she probably feels more loved after a bad meet than after a good meet. I was thrilled!! I think that should be our goal, to make sure our child feels celebrated and loved no matter their performance. Leave the correcting to the coach and we should be there to celebrate them and all their hard work!

We constantly say before a comp. Enjoy it , have fun and we are proud as you should be of yourself. I'm just as amazed every time I watch her. My worry is the knock backs they feel in the sport when it is so cut throat having an effect later on down the line with their mental health.

 

[SupportingHerDreams]

We constantly say before a comp. Enjoy it , have fun and we are proud as you should be of yourself. I'm just as amazed every time I watch her. My worry is the knock backs they feel in the sport when it is so cut throat having an effect later on down the line with their mental health.

That's exactly why we, as their parents, have to make sure that they don't find their value in placement. I'm not saying that you are encouraging her to find her value in placement and scores I'm just trying to encourage you to do all that you can to make sure she knows her value has nothing to do with placement and scores.

 

[Amc123]

Yep, we have been nothing but reassuring and supportive and have actually switched gyms for her mental health at the start of the year. I was just after advice from parents that have faced similar situations and how best to explore it.

 

[Smiley00]

As the parent focus on her effort and hard work. Celebrate her successes (was there a skill she felt she did well at the meet?). Build her back up if she had a bad day or event.
My 11yo daughter now swims for a USA team. She wanted to win or place. I had to direct her to focus on her own personal improvement. One of her events at champs she places 27th which doesn’t sound spectacular, but she dropped almost 3.5 seconds which is incredible. She’s on her own journey.
I think most athletes put pressure on themselves and it drives them to improve. Just make sure it’s not too much.
I think one of the most important things you can do as a parent is be her cheerleader. Have her talk to her coach on what she can work on to improve.

 

[SupportingHerDreams]

Maybe I didn't articulate this correctly. I am not heartbroken she didn't place far from it but seeing her dissapointment and pull herself apart is heartbreaking when we are her biggest support. She did her flic on the beam beautiful as all her other skills such as her upstart. However her previous coach from another gym would always constantly mention her knees being the issue so I was trying to understand the sport better because quite frankly I haven't a clue. We don't compare as I've said we don't understand it but she does. We've never expected anything from her and she knows that. She puts the pressure on herself

Putting pressure on herself isn't a bad thing... it can help her have a great work ethic, it can make her willing to work for what she wants. The problem comes when we see that they think less of themselves due to scores or placement. I honestly think that no matter her age you can have an age appropriate conversation with her about this. Talk about the scores being a measuring guide to show what she needs to work on. Talk about how impressed you are by all her hard work, no matter her scores.

 

[Amc123]

Putting pressure on herself isn't a bad thing... it can help her have a great work ethic, it can make her willing to work for what she wants. The problem comes when we see that they think less of themselves due to scores or placement. I honestly think that no matter her age you can have an age appropriate conversation with her about this. Talk about the scores being a measuring guide to show what she needs to work on. Talk about how impressed you are by all her hard work, no matter her scores.

Yes absolutely and we've done all of that. It's just hard isn't as their parent you want help and I know life is full of obstacles and hurdles it's just upsetting seeing them upset over something which you can't really support