Parents How to help after a competition

[RTT2]

Yes, seeing our kids be disappointed is one of the hardest parts of parenting. And no matter what they pursue there will be disappointments- their team losing a big game, they don't get the part they tried out for in the play, they get a bad grade despite studying hard, don't get into their top choice college, don't get that job they thought they were perfect for, and so on. A big part of parenting is teaching them resiliency so they can handle the inevitable highs and lows in life.

 

[AAAinNOLA]

This may sound harsh but disappointment is a reality of life AND all sports. People say gymnastics is subjective but really there is a code of points that judges tend to follow pretty darn well. Usually if a routine is watched on video a judge or coach could point out the deductions. This is a sport of precisions and tiny hops. One fall can take you from 2nd to 10th. That said, there are so many concrete goals a kid CAN achieve at a meet. A stuck landing off beam dismount. Hitting 4 for 4. Going for a full cast handstand on bars, etc. This sport is a true marathon and if the gymnast sets personal goals for HER and HER journey, it can truly help. I think it is healthy and helpful to find 3 wins from every meet, whatever they are. Sometimes 3 wins and 3 hit personal goals comes with medals and sometimes it doesn't. The irony is sometimes medals and placement look not ideal on paper but still result in a great AA performance. As an example, my own daughter did not have her best meet at state - at all. She didn't podium in any one event. She had one of her lowest floor scores of the season. THAT SAID, when all was said and done, she was 10th overall in got one of the 11 spots to Regionals. My point is - her big goal was to make it to Regionals. Despite not truly medaling, she accomplished that. If gymnasts can learn to focus on the big picture and not get hung up on being 7th place, you can go very far in this sport.

 

[katrid11]

This may sound harsh but disappointment is a reality of life AND all sports. People say gymnastics is subjective but really there is a code of points that judges tend to follow pretty darn well. Usually if a routine is watched on video a judge or coach could point out the deductions. This is a sport of precisions and tiny hops. One fall can take you from 2nd to 10th. That said, there are so many concrete goals a kid CAN achieve at a meet. A stuck landing off beam dismount. Hitting 4 for 4. Going for a full cast handstand on bars, etc. This sport is a true marathon and if the gymnast sets personal goals for HER and HER journey, it can truly help. I think it is healthy and helpful to find 3 wins from every meet, whatever they are. Sometimes 3 wins and 3 hit personal goals comes with medals and sometimes it doesn't. The irony is sometimes medals and placement look not ideal on paper but still result in a great AA performance. As an example, my own daughter did not have her best meet at state - at all. She didn't podium in any one event. She had one of her lowest floor scores of the season. THAT SAID, when all was said and done, she was 10th overall in got one of the 11 spots to Regionals. My point is - her big goal was to make it to Regionals. Despite not truly medaling, she accomplished that. If gymnasts can learn to focus on the big picture and not get hung up on being 7th place, you can go very far in this sport.

this!

we are very careful with our daughter and her teammates to celebrate the progressions over a season, meeting little goals etc. getting wrapped up in scores and medals is a recipe for issues later on. We emphasize to do your best, enjoy yourself and have fun. My daughter has seen days where her personal best didn't medal and days where her 'ok' performance was met with a trophy. All due to variables outside of her control.

We really try to lock in on measuring success in specific goals that are objective and attainable which are not 'scores'. Sticking a landing. Nailing the full turn on beam. Pointed feet on the clear hip. Hitting the handstand from clear hip etc. My daughters goals are never things like "get a 9.5 on bars" b/c she could do an amazing routine and end up with a 9.425 and be disappointed. Would rather concentrate her efforts on things within her control.....

We also celebrate "meet resiliency". Not letting a mistake, error, bobble or fall impact the rest of the event. IE - I couldn't have been more proud of my daughter finishing her states beam routine after her first fall off beam in competition. Her poise after the fall was near perfect and she was rock solid with a stuck dismount.

And in our house there is no such thing as a "bad score".

 

[HopefulGymnast]

I can see from your comments you understand what we are saying about the mindset and learning to deal with dissapointment, but are looking for some more advise from a slightly different angle: do I understand correctly that you're also looking more for practical advise on things like:
- Are there any steps I can take to support her in understanding why she is e.g. not placing?
- Are there any steps I can take to help her on her journey of improving herself
- Is there anything I can do so I don't just feel like a bystander watching my daughter being sad in these hard moments? Or so she can feel like we have a goal on the horizon, etc...
And maybe also just: how do I deal with feeling upset for my daughter when she's upset?
Am I right that you are maybe looking for answers to some things like this also? If not I apologise for missteering the conversation a bit, but I figure I can always ask.

 

[Amc123]

I can see from your comments you understand what we are saying about the mindset and learning to deal with dissapointment, but are looking for some more advise from a slightly different angle: do I understand correctly that you're also looking more for practical advise on things like:
- Are there any steps I can take to support her in understanding why she is e.g. not placing?
- Are there any steps I can take to help her on her journey of improving herself
- Is there anything I can do so I don't just feel like a bystander watching my daughter being sad in these hard moments? Or so she can feel like we have a goal on the horizon, etc...
And maybe also just: how do I deal with feeling upset for my daughter when she's upset?
Am I right that you are maybe looking for answers to some things like this also? If not I apologise for missteering the conversation a bit, but I figure I can always ask.

Exactly this!! All of this, thank you!! I of course understand life and sport can lead to dissapointment. We never not support her, always encourage her, no pressure from us and no expectations except to just have fun and do what she can and always looks for positivesafter everything. she knows more than anything how proud everyone is but it still doesn't stop her being upset. Just the same as when your child is upset with playground politics most of us remember a time in our childhood so can empathise and have been there so can naturally offer advice. I am not a gymnast nor have I ever been so just can't comprehend it. I am trying to understand the sport and I feel like you've truly understood what I'm trying to ask. Just how do you help them bar be reassuring and everything you naturally do as a parent. Her coach is incredible and has no expectations on placings and likes them challenging themselves etc etc. But she still is sad. Which then you question why do we do this. Its very different when you're in a team sport (yes they're in squads but it's still an individual sport when it comes to comps here) .

Thank you for understanding what I was saying. X

 

[RTT2]

This comes up over and over about this sport, but it really is true- each kid is on their own path and success isn't defined by trophies or placement. The kid who wins everything in compulsories isn't necessarily the kid who gets the most out of the sport. Grit, determination, and resiliency don't just show up on their own- they are earned by getting through the tough times. In a perfect world the girl who works so hard and loves it so much would be at the top of the podium every time. But it doesn't work that way. And most of them love it and work hard- talent isn't handed out equally, but we know and love our kid and always want to see them succeed. It's just that success can sometimes be best seen looking backward and not in the moment.

 

[Amc123]

This comes up over and over about this sport, but it really is true- each kid is on their own path and success isn't defined by trophies or placement. The kid who wins everything in compulsories isn't necessarily the kid who gets the most out of the sport. Grit, determination, and resiliency don't just show up on their own- they are earned by getting through the tough times. In a perfect world the girl who works so hard and loves it so much would be at the top of the podium every time. But it doesn't work that way. And most of them love it and work hard- talent isn't handed out equally, but we know and love our kid and always want to see them succeed. It's just that success can sometimes be best seen looking backward and not in the moment.

Yes spot on. Thank you. I will remind her it's her own path.

 

[HopefulGymnast]

I will say, I was once on the wrong category in a team sport and we lost literally every match and I still had fun lol. But anyway, as for gymnastics...
I am sure other people here can give you some better advise on those points, but in general I will try for this point:
- Is there anything I can do so I don't just feel like a bystander watching my daughter being sad in these hard moments? Or so she can feel like we have a goal on the horizon, etc...
And maybe also just: how do I deal with feeling upset for my daughter when she's upset?

This is very difficult, so if my answer is not that usefull for you then no worries.

I think this is a very important thing to learn, because your child will be dissapointed more often in life, and you'll have to deal with it then too. I think over time you learn what your daughter wants when she's feeling dissapointed or upset. (Maybe you already know from other situations, I don't know how often you've experienced things like this). For example, my mother would make me tea and watch a childish movie with me. I really like tea and it always soothed me. Some kids may want some space in their own room, or just the opposite: a lot of hugs. I think finding out what you can do in a concrete way can give you a direction to focus your sympathy sad feelings into something constructive. (As she gets older, you can also help her figure out how to comfort herself ('do you maybe want to make some tea / call a friend / whatever works for her when we get home'?) )
(In the case of your daughter herself, she can of course constructively focus her dissapointment into making a plan for the future with her coach)

Also, you mentioned team sports. I don't know how close she is to teammates, but I think a close conenction/friendship to teammates can make a huge difference. It makes competitions not just a place to show what she can do, but a social event and a place where she can watch and cheer on her friends. And they can support eachother when it's less good. Things like carpooling or meeting up with her team pre-competition can maybe help with this, but that may be more common where I'm from than where you're from.

Finally, again this really depends on you and your daughter but: remember that things always seem worse when tired, hot, hungry, or thirsty. And meets can make both of you really tired or hungry. Things get better with rest and time. And things like dealing with setbacks also take practise.

 

[Amc123]

I will say, I was once on the wrong category in a team sport and we lost literally every match and I still had fun lol. But anyway, as for gymnastics...
I am sure other people here can give you some better advise on those points, but in general I will try for this point:
- Is there anything I can do so I don't just feel like a bystander watching my daughter being sad in these hard moments? Or so she can feel like we have a goal on the horizon, etc...
And maybe also just: how do I deal with feeling upset for my daughter when she's upset?

This is very difficult, so if my answer is not that usefull for you then no worries.

I think this is a very important thing to learn, because your child will be dissapointed more often in life, and you'll have to deal with it then too. I think over time you learn what your daughter wants when she's feeling dissapointed or upset. (Maybe you already know from other situations, I don't know how often you've experienced things like this). For example, my mother would make me tea and watch a childish movie with me. I really like tea and it always soothed me. Some kids may want some space in their own room, or just the opposite: a lot of hugs. I think finding out what you can do in a concrete way can give you a direction to focus your sympathy sad feelings into something constructive. (As she gets older, you can also help her figure out how to comfort herself ('do you maybe want to make some tea / call a friend / whatever works for her when we get home'?) )
(In the case of your daughter herself, she can of course constructively focus her dissapointment into making a plan for the future with her coach)

Also, you mentioned team sports. I don't know how close she is to teammates, but I think a close conenction/friendship to teammates can make a huge difference. It makes competitions not just a place to show what she can do, but a social event and a place where she can watch and cheer on her friends. And they can support eachother when it's less good. Things like carpooling or meeting up with her team pre-competition can maybe help with this, but that may be more common where I'm from than where you're from.

Finally, again this really depends on you and your daughter but: remember that things always seem worse when tired, hot, hungry, or thirsty. And meets can make both of you really tired or hungry. Things get better with rest and time. And things like dealing with setbacks also take practise.

Wow. You really articulate everything so perfectly! Thank you so much. The last comp was different girls she's not necessarily as close with and definitely made a difference. The hot hungry thirsty thing is also very true. I guess I didn't have a supportive mum growing up so I want to be the opposite of that. You've given some great points and from a gymnasts perspective, so truly thank you. After her treat dinner after the comp she was a lot better . So again more snacks in the future. She loves a cuddle and I always say have a good cry and let it out. That's ok to show the emotion etc. I can't thank you enough x

 

[HopefulGymnast]

You're welcome, though I do have to add this advise isn't much a gymnasts perspective. I've started gymnastics age 24, so that's not as relevant. Thats why I left the gymnastics specific parts more to other people However, it is the perspective of somebody who's emotional and who's dealt with a lot of setbacks and dissapointment in childhood, some small (failing a test for the first time) and some big (being unable to get medical help).
(Just felt I needed to add this little disclaimer for honesty's sake.)

Good luck with everything

 

[mezzamare]

I think you've gotten a lot of useful feedback, but I totally understand where you're coming from. There's a certain amount of cognitive dissonance going on, because on the one hand we, as parents or coaches, tend to de-emphasize scores and placements, then we walk our kids into a meet, where they are promptly filtered and sorted according to scores, and we literally reward and applaud based on placement.

Even in my daughter's gym, the compulsory coach was adamant about not putting too much value on scores, but then at the end of the season, scores determined who moved up to optionals right away, and who waited another six months.

So yeah, scores don't matter, but they also do. Of course, this is the way with all sports, but gymnastics can feel so personal and judgy, because of its very solo and performative nature.

Where I settled with my daughter, as you've heard from many others, is that we acknowledge that scores and placement matter somewhat, but the focus is kept on the farther horizon. Not doing as well as one had hoped at a meet is a shorter term issue. Disappointing, perhaps, but it does nothing to derail longer term goals like gaining new skills, becoming stronger and more consistent, building toward the next level, laying the foundation for long term goals like making optionals, making level 10, etc.

It's a fine line to walk with your kid (especially as they get older) because you can't just act like the meet results mean nothing. But at the same time, you have to keep them from meaning everything. Snacks, fun and distraction work when they are littler. Reframing and refocusing work best as they get older and see the complexities a little more clearly.

 

[Amc123]

I think you've gotten a lot of useful feedback, but I totally understand where you're coming from. There's a certain amount of cognitive dissonance going on, because on the one hand we, as parents or coaches, tend to de-emphasize scores and placements, then we walk our kids into a meet, where they are promptly filtered and sorted according to scores, and we literally reward and applaud based on placement.

Even in my daughter's gym, the compulsory coach was adamant about not putting too much value on scores, but then at the end of the season, scores determined who moved up to optionals right away, and who waited another six months.

So yeah, scores don't matter, but they also do. Of course, this is the way with all sports, but gymnastics can feel so personal and judgy, because of its very solo and performative nature.

Where I settled with my daughter, as you've heard from many others, is that we acknowledge that scores and placement matter somewhat, but the focus is kept on the farther horizon. Not doing as well as one had hoped at a meet is a shorter term issue. Disappointing, perhaps, but it does nothing to derail longer term goals like gaining new skills, becoming stronger and more consistent, building toward the next level, laying the foundation for long term goals like making optionals, making level 10, etc.

It's a fine line to walk with your kid (especially as they get older) because you can't just act like the meet results mean nothing. But at the same time, you have to keep them from meaning everything. Snacks, fun and distraction work when they are littler. Reframing and refocusing work best as they get older and see the complexities a little more clearly.

Exactly this!!! Thank you. I've learned aome valuable tools and feedback and you have put it so well and exactly how we feel and having that balance etc. Thank you x

 

[Pollylou]

Its so tricky, we really try to be encouraging and supportive and continue to tell her how proud we are of her, we encourage her to seek feedback and to keep trying. Its the best we can do but a little bit heart breaking when theres nothing much else you can do.