Respectful conversation on sticking it out versus giving it up

[Bella's Mom]

I read on here and talk to a lot of kids who express regret that they quit an activity that they loved or were talented in during their young years. Adults talk about wishing their parents hadn't "let" them quit piano lessons. Even some older gymmies on here left the sport as a child only to return as a teenager yet expressing regret at the wasted years they could have been training.

As a parent, how do we know which is the best route for our kids? Where is the line between making our kids finish a commitment and teaching them perseverance versus forcing our kids to stay in an activity that they despise for years?


This isn't just about gymnastics although obviously that will be most of our points of reference. And I hope that we are all mature enough to recognize a different opinion or parenting style does not equal someone being a crazy gym parent or a bad parent.

I bring this up because I mentioned something to my ex MIL about Bella someday quitting gymnastics and she seemed concerned that Bella would end up regretting giving up something that she obviously loves and seems to have a decent aptitude for. She said that Bella would end thanking me if I were to make her stay in gymnastics. She cited the piano lesson example.

Sometimes it seems like parenting is a crap shoot. You never know what you should have done until years after you've done the wrong thing!

 

[CoachGoofy]

We never know until we're older. Lots of adults wish they'd continued things, but they'd likely hold a fair amount of resentment if they'd been forced to continue them. I mean, yeah, I kinda wish I could play the violin, but putting that much effort into it when I wasn't enjoying it would not have been good. I want to be able to DO it, not to put in the work required to be able to do it! And I think that's what a lot of those what-ifs get down to. Not "how much fun would that have been" but "I could have been absolutely amazing!". 2 different things.

 

[10.0]

That is a hard one. I guess you know your own kid better than anyone else and it becomes a personal decision. I think thought must be given to figuring out why your child wishes to quit, sometime comprimises can be made such as cutting back on training. It also depends on the maturity level of the child, only you know that as his/her parent. I think resonable requests can be made if it isn't a serious issue that is making the child want to quit such as you need to finish the month, the season whatever this will serve to help teach them that if they commit to something they need to see it through. That is also a good way to figure out if it is just a passing thing or not. In the end though it is the parents who force their children to stay in that cause the most resentment in later life in my opinion.

 

[NGL780309]

I know what you mean Bella's mom. There were things I did as a child/teenager and my parents always let me quit something the minute I asked. I'm kind of a quitter by nature now and I wonder if that's because they never made me stick with something through the hard times. If I'm not immediately good at something I give up. Don't even ask me how many times I changed my major in college before finally graduating with 2 degrees, neither of which I really use. I work in an area that was my first major. I talked to my parents about it and they said well you said you wanted to quit and it costs us money so we were fine with it. On the other hand had they pushed me perhaps I'd be screwed up and completely hate them.

I know for my DD I've let her quit things or rather just not join up again. She played Tball and never asked to quit, but didn't really seem to love it. When it was time to sign up for the next season she didn't want to and that was the end of Tball. Will she resent me in 10 years? I'm doubting it. She also did skating and I made her quit. She was always complaining about practicing and it was too cold etc. So when her session ended I just told her we weren't going anymore. She's asked a few times to do it again, but never enough that I reconsidered.

I hope I'll be able to tell when she really wants to quit gymnastics. She's more involved with it than anything else she's ever done so it's different. I know she's bound to have hard times ahead and want to quit, but not necessarily want to quit for real if you know what I mean. I think my idea of what I'll do at that time depends on the circumstances. Everybody wants to quit sometimes when they are having a bad day. I guess I'll cross that bridge when she gets there.

I think wanting to quit is sort of a normal part of gymnastics or any difficult activity. I doubt you'd find a high level gymnast who didn't at least entertain the idea a time or two. I know a girl who had a serious knee injury and wanted to quit right as she started back after the injury healing. Her dad was telling us how she begged to quit and they told her she could quit once she got through the hard process of making it back because he wanted her to go out on good terms. She didn't end up quitting and got a full ride to Stanford. I think her dad was smart because who wouldn't want to quit after being out a year.

I'm so glad my child is 6 and still loves gym because parenting is hard.

DD had a teammate who quit recently and truthfully I disagree with her parents decision to let her quit so quickly. She loves gym, but hates conditioning. In my opinion she's too young to understand the benefits of it and I woudn't let my kid quit just for that reason. They bought her some home equipment and she still goes to open gym. I'd try to work through the dislike for conditioning first. If my DD really dreaded it and cried and begged I'd let her quit, but not just because conditioning was too hard. Their general parenting is like that though. When she was doing gym she'd skip practice anytime she didn't want to go. I disagree with that. Sometimes DD would be playing with her cousins and say she didn't want to go when it was time to leave, but once I said "No you're going." that was the end of it. It's natural for her to not want to stop playing at 5 years old. It doesn't mean she should skip practice. She had morning practice this week and you better believe she didn't want to wake up at 7am for gym, but that's not a good reason to just stay home. Now if once she got to practice she was telling me she didn't want to be there I'd think differently. Her friends parents just never seem to make her follow through with anything. She started piano lessons and I asked her mom recently how it was going. She told me that the girl didn't want to go the week before so they had skipped and she didn't know if she'd go this week. That's just not my style of parenting. I'm not going to drag my kid kicking and screaming to something they don't want to do, but I'm also not going to give in to their every mood.

Sorry for the rambling. It's an interesting topic.

 

[NGL780309]

We never know until we're older. Lots of adults wish they'd continued things, but they'd likely hold a fair amount of resentment if they'd been forced to continue them. I mean, yeah, I kinda wish I could play the violin, but putting that much effort into it when I wasn't enjoying it would not have been good. I want to be able to DO it, not to put in the work required to be able to do it! And I think that's what a lot of those what-ifs get down to. Not "how much fun would that have been" but "I could have been absolutely amazing!". 2 different things.

Totally true CoachGoofy. My friend had this quote on his facebook because we are always on a diet that said, "I'd do anything to be skinny except diet and exercise."

 

[gymjourneymom]

I really like how you worded this question! I have a couple of takes on it. For me I always wanted to play the flute. I loved how it sounded. So when I got to 4th grade my mom rented a flute for me & I took lessons at school. I was bad...really bad! I hated to practice because I had no innate talent or ear for music. It was total work for me & I was no good at it. I hated it, so I quit. Do I still wish I could play the flute...yes! And could I go take lessons now if I wanted to...yes! But I won't, because I know not much has changed. It would still be work for me, a struggle & I wouldn't enjoy it. As a child, I tried it...it wasn't a good fit...I moved on. No harm, no foul. I had an experience, learned from it. I learned about myself & life went on. I guess this was one reason I always wanted my kids to have lots of different experiences. Because you just never know what you might enjoy or not enjoy until you actually try it.

A story related to gym. A girl at my DD's gym quit the sport as a L7. She just couldn't get that beam BHS & got tired of trying, so she quit to try new things. Then a couple of years later she regretted her decision & came back to the gym. She had a great time. But that beam BHS still eluded her & she quit again. But at least she tried & didn't always wonder "Could I have done it?".

I guess my point is I think most people make educated decisions when they decide to give something up(I'm speaking generally here). And then they tend to look back later through rose colored glasses saying "Oh that was so good I shouldn't have given it up".

I think as long as you give something a good shot, if you decide it's not for you, at least you learned something about yourself. And the experience is something you can always carry with you.

 

[Geoffrey Taucer]

Here's the thing: all those adults who say they wish their parents hadn't let them quit don't actually know what would have happened if they stuck with it. But in my experience, ANY kid who wants to quit and is not allowed to will quickly come to hate the sport (or whatever else they may be doing) and all progress will cease.

If a kid wants to quit, it's best to let them. If they are forced to continue when they don't want to, it turns the sport into a chore. They'll only continue to hate it more and more.

And sometimes once a kid is out of the gym for a month or two, they come to miss it and decide they want to return to the sport.

I'm not a parent, so I can only speak from observation: when kids don't want to do gymnastics any more, it doesn't matter if their parents continue bringing them to gym -- they won't get much better and they won't get much benefit from the sport.

 

[jdf]

This is an interesting thread for me.When my now 11 year old was little, she cried at every activity, birthday party, school event. She hated everything, and wanted to quit. I did let her quit when the session was over.At the same time, I had suspicion that she'd be good at gymnastics. I didn't let her try rec gymnastics until she started coming out of that behavior, in the middle of 3rd grade. By that summer she was a level 4, and has enjoyed and done well ever since.

 

[Bella's Mom]

I want to be able to DO it, not to put in the work required to be able to do it! And I think that's what a lot of those what-ifs get down to. Not "how much fun would that have been" but "I could have been absolutely amazing!". 2 different things.

I hadn't thought of it that way. Valid point....

There were things I did as a child/teenager and my parents always let me quit something the minute I asked. I'm kind of a quitter by nature now and I wonder if that's because they never made me stick with something through the hard times.

YES!!!!! Exactly!! I'm a quitter by nature too (married for 1 year, quit college twice, etc.). It's SO important to me that Bella learns some perseverance. I've worked very hard to overcome that character flaw and it's important to me that she doesn't grow up thinking that when the going gets tough, we just quit.

Totally true CoachGoofy. My friend had this quote on his facebook because we are always on a diet that said, "I'd do anything to be skinny except diet and exercise."

LOL!! That is so me!

 

[Jennemmy]

I was allowed to quit things and forced to do things as a kid/teen. I definitely don't have regrets about not being an all-star field hockey player.(Forced) And I still swim laps in the pool when I have the chance. (Quit after 5 years. Those 5a practices killed me.) The funny thing is I did blame my parents for not making me stick it out. Until I became a parent.

 

[gymdog]

The logical flaw in this set-up is that it seems to assume that the person would have no regrets from basically not being allowed to stop something that requires an enormous amount of emotional energy. In my experience this is so far from true that it isn't even funny. I would never make my kid keep doing gymnastics if they didn't want to. I've watched that play out with some of my friends and I think it is huge, huge mistake. I can't say strongly enough what a huge mistake I think it is. HUGE MISTAKE DON'T DO THIS IT IS A MISTAKE AND YOU SHOULDN'T MAKE THIS MISTAKE.

That's more or less my visceral reaction to this issue.

I am not much of a quitter by nature I suppose although I'm not really sure what that means. We all come to the end of our rope sometime. I kept doing gymnastics until the end of my senior year in high school, but the last two years may have been a bit of not knowing what else I'd do in high school if I stopped. My parents never overtly pressured me either way and I was more or less happy to continue. It might have been different if I hadn't had to switch gyms at that time, which was probably the source of most of my discontent and lack of progress, but that wasn't really in anyone's control. I don't have a whole lot to show for this either though, except an exceptional high school record (not that useful...not even worth it). I have had serious problems, though I've quietly finished a bachelor's degree in less than four years in very much the same way I approach everything: as something that needs to be done in the most efficient manner possible, whether it's largely pleasant or not. My major was mostly chosen because I could get it done and because I feel that things will be same. I think the personality traits for gymnastics are largely innate and cannot necessarily be forced or even taught to some degree. I have siblings very close in age who were raised with me and aren't much like me. That doesn't make a person bad or unworthy but not everyone has that personality and it isn't without its drawbacks either. I think people are romanticizing to some extent and I'm not really sure it's entirely realistic.

 

[NGL780309]

Here's the thing: all those adults who say they wish their parents hadn't let them quit don't actually know what would have happened if they stuck with it. But in my experience, ANY kid who wants to quit and is not allowed to will quickly come to hate the sport (or whatever else they may be doing) and all progress will cease.

If a kid wants to quit, it's best to let them. If they are forced to continue when they don't want to, it turns the sport into a chore. They'll only continue to hate it more and more.

And sometimes once a kid is out of the gym for a month or two, they come to miss it and decide they want to return to the sport.

I'm not a parent, so I can only speak from observation: when kids don't want to do gymnastics any more, it doesn't matter if their parents continue bringing them to gym -- they won't get much better and they won't get much benefit from the sport.

I agree with 100%, but I think sometimes young kids don't know how to express themselves and when they are trying to say "I'm frustrated, scared, tired, whatever..." they will say "I want to quit". So I think it's important to talk to your kids and really help them understand what they are feeling. If it's truely clear that they want to quit, than let them quit.

 

[NGL780309]

I think, though I'm not a mind reader, that Bella's mom is not talking about a child who hates doing gymnastics and is forced to continue. That will never work out for anyone and will screw that kid up for sure. I took it more as a kid who does really enjoy doing gymnastics but has maybe hit a rough spot. The easy choice is to quit, but do we as parents let them just quit or do we help them work through that rough time and get back to a place where they are happy. Then the next time they have a rough spot in gymnastics or life or school they can draw upon that experience and know that if they just push ahead things will turn the corner. It's a valuable life lesson.

When I said I'm a quitter by nature I mean that I'm often the type of person who will hit a snag and run the other direction. I don't like not being good at something and I'd rather quit than push on and overcome a hurdle. Maybe it's a personality thing, maybe it's a learned behavior. I have this same conversation with my best friend constantly because we were both super smart kids who breezed through school with little work. Everything we tried we were good at and had immediate success. Then you wake-up one day and encounter something that isn't so easy as a adult and you've never developed those skills of hard work, determination, etc. You've never had to use them because you've always been pretty brilliant at everything. We both joke that we hope our kids are average students who have to put effort into something instead of G/T (gifted and talented label in school where we grew up) kids who get 100's on everything without cracking a book. I think it also comes from being overpraised as a child. You just go about your way with minimum effort and you have adults telling you how brilliant you are.

It's important for kids to be challenged is all I'm saying and learn how to fight through. They have to be doing something they enjoy though. I don't think it teaches anyone a lesson to be forced to do something they truly hate. I just don't want to raise a child who quits at the first hint of difficulty. Personally I think my child has already learned that from gymnastics. She's not a child who picks up skills overnight. She's had to work really hard to improve her form. Already at this young age she will comment that she remembers when she couldn't do such and such and how she practiced hard until she got it. That makes me feel good about DD doing gymnastics. There aren't many activities at this age that take so much effort and time. She's learning life lessons.

 

[Bella's Mom]

I think, though I'm not a mind reader, that Bella's mom is talking more about not a child who hates doing gymnastics and is forced to continue. That will never work out for anyone and will screw that kid up for sure. I took it more as a kid who does really enjoy doing gymnastics but has maybe hit a rough spot. The easy choice is to quit, but do we as parents let them just quit or do we help them work through that rough time and get back to a place where they are happy. Then the next time they have a rough spot in gymnastics or life or school they can draw upon that experience and know that if they just push ahead things will turn the corner. It's a valuable life lesson.

It's important for kids to be challenged is all I'm saying and learn how to fight through. They have to be doing something they enjoy though. I don't think it teaches anyone a lesson to be forced to do something they truly hate. I just don't want to raise a child who quits at the first hint of difficulty. Personally I think my child has already learned that from gymnastics. She's not a child who picks up skills overnight. She's had to work really hard to improve her form. Already at this young age she will comment that she remembers when she couldn't do such and such and how she practiced hard until she got it. That makes me feel good about DD doing gymnastics. There aren't many activities at this age that take so much effort and time. She's learning life lessons.

You are totally understanding where I'm coming from. I definitely don't mean make a kid do something they hate. It was more about helping them work through frustration to learn perseverance.

 

[ejgymmom]

I agree with 100%, but I think sometimes young kids don't know how to express themselves and when they are trying to say "I'm frustrated, scared, tired, whatever..." they will say "I want to quit". So I think it's important to talk to your kids and really help them understand what they are feeling. If it's truely clear that they want to quit, than let them quit.

I absolutely agree with this. I grew up playing tennis and my mom had me in lessons from a fairly young age. When I was 10, my instructor told my mom that she should sign me up for a local junior tournament. I was excited but then the day of of the tournament I got really nervous, faked a stomachache or something and didn't go. I continued taking lessons every now and then but didn't really get into it again until high school when I played for my high school team and also on a separate junior team. I was a decent player (and still am! ), but I rarely did well at tournaments. I always wonder what would have happened if my mom could have just seen that I was faking my sickness and made me go. I'm sure I would have had a blast and wanted to do more. I always loved playing in tournaments even though I didn't do all that great.

Anyway, I think the key is, if you know your child really, truly hates going to gym, why force it? They'll definitely resent you and end up hating it even more. If you think there are other underlying issues, like being scared, problems with other kids or maybe having an off-week or two, try to get to the bottom of the problem to see if you can actually resolve it and maybe restore some love for the sport. I would hope that every parent would know their child enough to know when to call it quits.

(That said, my daughter is only 5...so we haven't been involved in this sport very long. I imagine that there will come a day when she announced she wants to quit, and I hope I do the right thing.)

 

[Panda-girl's Mom]

From my experiences with my own daughter she has gone through periods where she wanted to quit, but I was always reluctant to let her because I knew how much she loved the sport. This year she really went through it at the begining of the year and I really thought that it was going to happen. After talking to the coaches I convinced her to stick it out and see how she feels at the end of the year. She agreed and now she is loving gymnastics again and thanking me for not letting her quit. This is kinding surprising me since she is so far not doing great at her level 6 meets but she seems to be having a good time. She is making friends with the new girls at the gym and is happy going to practice and the meets. I do wonder if some of the girls who have quit if there parents just kept them in it longer would they have gotten over themselves wanting to quit. I agree that the commitment and difficulty of the sport if they want to really quit eventually they will or will be very unhappy. If my daughter continued to be unhappy I would honestly probally let her quit mid season. Like the other posters have said it is really hard to know especailly when they are 6. Most of the little kids my daughter included do not like conditioning and just have to get used to it.

 

[gymdog]

I would hope that every parent would know their child enough to know when to call it quits.

Nope. Not every parent by any stretch of the imagination. I've watched it play out as an athlete and a coach, and most of all, a friend. It is very sad.

Overall I think it's easy to confuse work ethic with "never quitting." I could still be competing in gymnastics, but I'm not, and I don't think that says anything about my work ethic. I also don't think that adversity is a prerequisite for determination, and I feel that would be a wrong way to approach the issue of work ethic. In coaching I try to hammer home the appreciation for virtuosity - don't just do it, do it bigger, better. Establish the link between what we're doing and the result so they know what they have to do. Do this for the respect of our little community and to be mindful of the opportunity we've been given. I want to see my best gymnast working as hard as my worst. But they need to do it for themselves. I'm sure using any tactics I could get them to do any conditioning, etc, but that would do more harm than good. I have known either as an athlete or as a coach athletes that I feel had and have a superb work ethic in the sport but quit for one reason or another. That will follow them.

 

[ejgymmom]

Nope. Not every parent by any stretch of the imagination. I've watched it play out as an athlete and a coach, and most of all, a friend. It is very sad.

I think maybe I should have said "I WISH that every parent knew their child well enough to know when to call it quits." I know that there are parents out there who wouldn't call it quits even when they definitely should. :-/

 

[momocay]

My dd had a coach whos mother told her that she was only allowed to quit on a high note. If she truly wanted to quit, she would still want to quit after a great practice or meet. Havent had a compaint from mine yet, but I will try this if the time comes.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

speaking as a "former" everything, and not yet a grandparent, you are damned if you do and damned if you don't if you are the kid, the parent or a coach. each case is different when considering "what i should have done", will my child think i'm "mommie(daddy's too) dearest"? etc;

1 thing i learned at a young age from my parents, grandparents, etc; you never quit ANYTHING without a plan. then you must know and understand why you are quitting. and you can't quit until the committment has ended. i learned and have practiced just this with my own children and that of my athletes.