Parents At what point do you step in?

[Anna's_Mom]

My DD has come home from gym practice miserable for at least the last month. She is not having a good season, so she (and coach) is frustrated. But that isn't really the problem. There are 2-3 girls who are having very good seasons and they are making DDs life miserable. These are all middle-school girls. Little stuff that really adds up over time -- pushing, tripping, standing in her way when she is trying to run (e.g. stepping in front of her when its her turn to vault), "accidentally" blowing chalk all over her, that kind of stuff. Plus verbally taunting her about her low scores. I have a hard time believing that the coaches aren't seeing this -- buy maybe they aren't paying attention to the girls waiting for their turns at things. These girls are the top scorers and are clearly getting favorable treatment from coaches and HC has opening questioned DD's commitment/ability/amount of effort. My gut says that this is bullying behavior (in a girl way) and that the gym *should* address it. But equally, that there is a chance that it will only exacerbate coach's frustration if I become the mom that complains. DD has tried all of the usual walk away, ask them to stop, try to ignore options without success. We have already made the decision to change gyms at the end of the season, which would be first of the year. The only meets we have left are sectionals and states, both this month. So, say something or just try to ride it out? I'm really torn so am looking for your wise input.

 

[flowerchild]

So sorry for your DD! (And you!) It might be worthwhile for you to set up a private meeting with the head coach to give him/her a heads up about the girls bullying. Be prepared for no response.

 

[mom2newgymnast]

Ugh, I hate that kind of behavior. Personally, I would consider what they are doing bullying and I would talk to the coach about it. It isn't fair for your daughter to be miserable and mistreated like that. I'm glad you are leaving and she won't have to put up for it much longer, but I would hate for those girls to be allowed to get away with that kind of behavior. And if no one speaks up about it, they'll probably target someone different after your daughter leaves.

I do see why it would be hard though, if they are coaches favorites and doing well. Is there anyone else on the team that they bother or that could back up what your dd is saying? Maybe multiple accounts of their actions would make a stronger case.

 

[GYM0M]

Is there a coach that your dd trusts? I would ask to schedule a meeting with your dd and her coach, preferably a coach that she feels most comfortable with. Have your dd lead the conversation, but be present to support her. It's not okay for her to be treated that way only if it's just for a few more weeks. She needs to know that she shouldn't allow others to be disrespectful to her (& that you won't tolerate it either!) I'm pretty sure my dd wouldn't be on her game in gym if she was treated so poorly by her teammates. I'm so sorry. Hopefully, the convo with the coach will give her some confidence to make it til the end of the season.

 

[cbifoja]

You can either talk to the coach or email the parents. If the coaches won't handle it, then you either have to deal with the parents, leave, or allow your daughter to be picked on. My personal order would be to discuss the problem with the parents. If they have special snowflakes who would NEVER act out, then talk to the coach. If they aren't willing to piss off their wunderkids, then you have a harder choice to make.

 

[gymmomtotwo]

Physical bullying and interfering with her right to train and take her turns are blatantly unacceptable, and you should talk to the coach about it asap. If they are aware of it, it is easier to spot it going on. Verbal bullying obviously is more subtle and harder to spot and prove, so I would focus on the physical part of it. Her turns being interfered with, the risk of her getting hurt in the gym when people are pushing and tripping her would be my emphasis with the coaches. If you get no response, I would seriously question whether sticking it out through state is worth it, since DD is moving on anyway at the end of the season. Sounds like an intolerable environment for a middle school girl.

 

[flippin out]

Hmm.....If you were planning to stay after season I would say call for a meeting now. But, since you are leaving in a few weeks time (and are concerned that saying something will make matters worse), I'd wait until you are turning in notice of departure. I would indeed tell them then. List the behavior of these girls as a prime reason that you will not be allowing your dd to continue at their gym. That these girls have repeatedly bullied and intimidated your child, that perhaps this contributed to your dd's perfomance........that they undermined all confidence in her. Then if they do nothing about them, at least they were warned....that these girls may potentially destroy other girls with potential and chase them away.

 

[sevenatenine2]

Hmm.....If you were planning to stay after season I would say call for a meeting now. But, since you are leaving in a few weeks time (and are concerned that saying something will make matters worse), I'd wait until you are turning in notice of departure. I would indeed tell them then. List the behavior of these girls as a prime reason that you will not be allowing your dd to continue at their gym. That these girls have repeatedly bullied and intimidated your child, that perhaps this contributed to your dd's perfomance........that they undermined all confidence in her. Then if they do nothing about them, at least they were warned....that these girls may potentially destroy other girls with potential and chase them away.

From a coach's perspective, if you were to tell me this on the way out, I'd be upset----because you wouldn't have given me the opportunity to correct the issue after telling us and before leaving.

 

[flippin out]

From a coach's perspective, if you were to tell me this on the way out, I'd be upset----because you wouldn't have given me the opportunity to correct the issue after telling us and before leaving.

I do understand that......but I find it very hard to believe that ALL that OP describes is going on and the coaches can't see it. Would you find it less offensive that she come to coach now and leave in 2 weeks anyway? Either way, OP is leaving. So going to coach now or going to coach in 2 weeks.....it's still going to coach on the way out the door. If there was a shot that the coaches response would change the OPs mind about leaving, then I'd advocate going sooner. But, it sounds like no matter what she's pulling her kid in 2 weeks regardless

 

[gymdog]

From a coach's perspective, if you were to tell me this on the way out, I'd be upset----because you wouldn't have given me the opportunity to correct the issue after telling us and before leaving.

I would tell the coaches. Worst comes to worst, it blows up and you leave a little early anyway.

 

[JoyAvenueMom]

Have you observed the behavior? Is it just your dd who is being tormented? I'm also very surprised the coaches haven't noticed this. I would say something now in hopes that it gets better for her remaining time.

 

[Anna's_Mom]

From a coach's perspective, if you were to tell me this on the way out, I'd be upset----because you wouldn't have given me the opportunity to correct the issue after telling us and before leaving.

I can understand that, and if this were the only reason we were leaving, that would be a fair expectation. But this is the same coaching staff who yelled at her last night for something, so she stopped and said "I don't know how to do what you are telling me to do -- how do I fix this?. Response was "you know exactly what to do. if you aren't going to try, just leave". So not thrilled with coaching style. The entire family has had it with attendance rules. It is highly unlikely that she is going to meet the move-up requirements, and she doesn't want to repeat. HC is very, very rigid about rules so he isn't going to flex on any of it. Its not fun anymore for her and we had actually decided to quit altogether, but then decided to start by moving to a less-demanding gym with an Xcel option. So, realistically, they could say they were going to cut the other girls from the team (NOT that they would, it's just the most extreme response I can think of) and we still wouldn't stay.

 

[Anna's_Mom]

Have you observed the behavior? Is it just your dd who is being tormented? I'm also very surprised the coaches haven't noticed this. I would say something now in hopes that it gets better for her remaining time.

I am at work during practice but have had moms who stay confirm that she seems to be "interfered with", but no one can get close enough to actually hear or see exactly what is going on.

 

[gymdog]

Hm. I noticed you said in the other thread that you're moving to Xcel at the other gym. Would they not take her now? I'm assuming if there's a fall compulsory season, Xcel season hasn't started. I know you might lose some meet fees, and there's the commitment aspect, but it sounds like this situation just isn't good and past point of no return. I guess you also lose November tuition which sucks...but maybe it's worth it.

 

[Anna's_Mom]

Hm. I noticed you said in the other thread that you're moving to Xcel at the other gym. Would they not take her now? I'm assuming if there's a fall compulsory season, Xcel season hasn't started. I know you might lose some meet fees, and there's the commitment aspect, but it sounds like this situation just isn't good and past point of no return. I guess you also lose November tuition which sucks...but maybe it's worth it.

If sectionals and states weren't this month, we would do exactly that. But she doesn't want to miss those meets (assuming she meets coach's criteria for states). I suspect if she isn't chosen for states that will probably move up our departure to the end of this month. Timing is tricky because of these final meets and the holidays. She wants a chance to say goodbye to the teammates she likes and the one coach she adores, and I am very fearful that she would be cut out of these competitions if we gave our notice now. So my thought is to give notice right after states, but that would take us to the Christmas break at this gym.

 

[skschlag]

If sectionals and states weren't this month, we would do exactly that. But she doesn't want to miss those meets (assuming she meets coach's criteria for states). I suspect if she isn't chosen for states that will probably move up our departure to the end of this month. Timing is tricky because of these final meets and the holidays. She wants a chance to say goodbye to the teammates she likes and the one coach she adores, and I am very fearful that she would be cut out of these competitions if we gave our notice now. So my thought is to give notice right after states, but that would take us to the Christmas break at this gym.

Why does the coach decide who does states? Isn't there a score you have to meet to go? HEre, you make the score, you go....

 

[raenndrops]

Why does the coach decide who does states? Isn't there a score you have to meet to go? HEre, you make the score, you go....

Some gyms will only take so many girls to State... or will only take them if they think they will do well (if you take a bunch of girls that just barely qualified and they have a "bad meet" for them, then EVERYONE will see that your gym sucks based on their scores, lol).
I like the "you qualified, you can go" mentality better. We do that with YMCA Nationals, even though there are other teams that tell their girls they have to score higher than the qualifying score to go (we also go against a team that won't allow their L3s to go even though the opportunity is there... and other teams, not in our district, are sending L1s and L2s).

 

[MILgymFAM]

Last year when we switched my DD she wanted to try and wait for states and regionals. I understood, but in the end I put my foot down for financial reasons (we would've had to pay a whole other session at her old gym for two practices before regionals). She wasn't thrilled but she did understand and she got over it. With the current environment of your DDs gym I would think sooner is better than later- they're just meets after all, and there will be more.

 

[duyetanh]

Just an idea...could you video this charming behavior? Proof always speaks volumes...

 

[Gymmommy71]

That's so awful for your DD to have to endure.

I would definitely say something to the coach phrasing it like "this is what my DD has told me is happening, not sure if it is an exaggeration or not, but I'm really worried about her if this is true..." And then let the coach take it from there. If nothing is done, then you have even more evidence that you are making the right decision to leave, and at the very least the coaches have a heads up about these girls in case they do it again to someone else. Another possibility is that the coach may view it as a possible contributing factor towards your DD's rough year (which it could be) and develop an increased understanding, so it may turn out better.

If anything happens that makes things worse because you complained/said something, at that point I'd go even higher up the chain than the coach if that's possible, and then if nothing happens I may even leave early like others have said.

I really can't imagine any gym tolerating that type of behavior regardless of how high these girl's score. Messing with someones vault run is dangerous depending on what point in her run they step in front, and taunting someone for low scores? - that's horrible. I'd really wonder about the parenting that these girls are getting that they'd act that way .