Behavioral Issues in the Gym

[Bella's Mom]

Let me preface this post by admitting that I am feeling very emotionally raw right now. I almost posted in the parent forum but thought that it might help to also hear from some coaches.

My daughter is 6, almost 7. She turns 7 in May. In my opinion, she should possess more self control than she does. She is extremely energetic which is one reason we began gym in the first place. However, I feel that at this age, she should not be running all over the gym, throwing herself onto mat stacks, and basically acting like a fool in the gym. I don't think it is too much to expect her to walk from station to station....to wait her turn, to not crowd her classmates, etc.

Her coach has said that she prefers to take an ignore it and it will go away approach. I am having a hard time with this philosophy and quite frankly, I just don't think it is working with my daughter. She simply escalates her behavior until the teacher HAS to deal with her. In my opinion, her behavior borders on dangerous sometimes and I have seen her shove her classmates.

She seems to have a particular problem with one girl. I believe the underlying problem is that Bella is jealous of this girl. She is a couple of years older and possess more natural grace and a stronger work ethic than Bella does. It kills Bella that this other girl has such a beautiful kick over and can go all the way down in her splits....both something Bella is working very hard towards. However, we all know that learning to deal with these kinds of issues is something that is part of growing up.

I want to respect my daughter's coach's philosophy and space but it is inCREDIBLy hard for me to sit in the lobby and watch my daughter do these types of behaviors with very little consequence. It goes against my parenting style (I'm big on the consequences) and quite frankly, it embarrasses me. I am literally embarrassed by my own daughter and the way she acts in the gym.

Tonight I left the gym, sat in the parking lot and cried. If you knew me, you would be surprised. I am not a crier. I don't feel like my expectations are out of reach. I am very conflicted to the point that I am actually considering pulling her. I am really struggling with the fact that I am paying a considerable amount of money and she is misbehaving during that time. She has been so excited about moving up to team in the next couple of months so it is hard to think about taking that from her but I'm more concerned with the whole child rather than the gymnast.

Am I being irrational to think about pulling her? Does it seem like I'm expecting too much from her? Has anyone else ever felt this way about their own child? Have any coaches ever had this level of a nightmare student before?

Please please please.....please give me some advice. I need scenarios to mull and options to analyze before I talk to her coach again.

 

[bogwoppit]

I would simply tell my child that this behaviour is not acceptable and the next time I see it she will be taken home immediately. Tell the coach your plan, explaining what you told us here.

Then the first time you see the bad behaviour happen walk over and remove her from the class. Drive home and then explain calmly that you will not allow her to be a bully/be dangerous and that she will not get to do gym until she learns to keep herself in contriol.

Next class do the same thing, she will either learn really quick that you mean business or she will end up with no gym.

I know it sucks to see your kid acting up, but she is doing it because she is getting away with it. It will continue as long as you allow it. The coach isn't fixing it, so it is your job to step in. The last thing you want is for your kid to be labelled as a troublemaker.

 

[Shewhodrives]

I agree with Bog and I think I would try her approach. I think if I were in your shoes I would be really disappointed too and as a mom that is a hard feeling to accept ((hugs)). If it is tough when your child misbehaves, but try to remember that it is her behavior and not yours. I would be curious to know what her behavior is like at school too. Is this just a gym thing?

 

[coachmolly]

I think Bog hit the nail on the head. I was actually talking about a similar topic with a fellow coach today, a 5 year old who very rarely participates in class and instead just runs around. We have tried talking with her, sending her to see her mom, sitting her out, basically every imaginable consequence and it's having little impact. No one can seem to understand why her mom continues to pay the $40 a month for her child to do nothing, or at least step in and put her foot down! If the coach isn't getting the desired results from your daughter, than it's your turn to try your hand at it. Gymnastics is an expensive sport, much too expensive to just be used as a babysitter or a playground, and these kinds of behavioral lessons will serve her well as she gets older.
I remember very clearly one time when I was about 8 when my mom caught me goofing off in the gym. She very firmly explained to me that gymnastics was a place to learn, listen to my coaches, and try my best because they were paying too much money for it to be playtime, it hit me hard! Just be firm, set up expectations and stick to them.
I really commend you for being proactive with this. There have been too many times I wanted so badly for a parent to pull their child from class for negative behavior when nothing else seems to work, yet it has rarely happened.

 

[Bella's Mom]

Behavior at school is less than ideal as well. She has been in trouble numerous times for misbehaviors involving disruptions, repeated requests, etc. She admits to cheating on worksheets (as a teacher, this is a HUGE problem for me), allowing others to copy her work. She cannot see the "wrong" in it. I don't know...maybe I don't explain things right for her.

Her teacher will sometimes send me notes from home telling me how cute a specific misbehavior was or how cute her explanation of why she did something was. I get it. Yes, she's cute. She's very charming and personable. However charming, personable, and a total lack of understanding right from wrong make for a great serial killer, not a high functioning adult.

She does get over indulged because of the cute factor....at the gym, she's always been everyone's "little sister" type of person (she's been at the gym since she was 3). She is bright so her teacher thinks her misbehavior is "clever." But I am seriously worried about her emotional and moral development right now. I don't want to take gym away from her because her coach says she really does have natural talent. But what's the point of having the talent if you don't have the self control to channel the talent? Her coach tells me that the gym is the ideal place for her to learn discipline. So why isn't she learning it?????

 

[Bella's Mom]

I remember very clearly one time when I was about 8 when my mom caught me goofing off in the gym. She very firmly explained to me that gymnastics was a place to learn, listen to my coaches, and try my best because they were paying too much money for it to be playtime, it hit me hard!

I'm not sure I have ever explained it to her in this way. She can't remember a time she wasn't in some kind of gymnastics class so for her gymnastics is as much an expected event like school, scheduled visits with her dad, and so forth. Maybe she doesn't get that it CAN go away and that it doesn't have to be part of her week.

I frequently ask if her if she wants to quit and she always assures me that she doesn't. Earlier this year, her coach and I talked about "taking a break" from gym to see if that would jump start her focus and her coach was honest and said that with move ups coming so soon, she couldn't recommend taking more than three or four weeks at the most off. And that was back in late January. Pretty sure any breaks now would mean not making team. It would be interesting to see how she would react to that. When her coach and I talked to her about taking a break, she at first said she would like to. But that first day we would have missed gym, she got so upset when she caught on that I ended up taking her to gym. NOw she says no breaks ever.

So some of you recommend using the threat of losing gym entirely as a punishment?

 

[bogwoppit]

Kids will only learn discipline if the adults enforce it strictly for a while. It is hard to have to clamp down on them suddenly but strong willed children will rule the roost if you let them. What is cute at five could be horrific at 14.

You will not have to take gym away for long, pulling her out of a couple of classes will let her know you mean business. Think of it like the carrot and not the stick. If she wants to do gym badly enough she will moderate her behaviour to go back. It may take a few times for er to "get it" that you are now in control, but if you stick to the plan I can guarantee she will conform.

My many years as a children's nanny taught me how to manage all kids with the same techniques. Kids need boundaries and parents need to know how to set them and follow through with clear consequenses that make sense. My youngest is a real hard head and we go through the same stuff with her, every now and again I realise the leash has been let out too far and I have to yank her back in for a while.

As far as school goes that is a teaching issue, all you can do is talk to the teacher and try to let her know you are working hard on the issue at home.

 

[mariposa]

I agree with Bog, too. I would sit her down and tell her that her behavior is not acceptable to you. Gymnastics is a privilege, you have to earn it. I imagine it will only take a few times and she will realize that. I would also explain to her that if it happens more than X amount of times in a week/month, then you will pull her from gymnastics because you don't get refunds when she isn't there.

I wish more parents would take an active role in parenting in the gym. I have seen behavior that was just downright obnoxious and can't believe the parents don't do anything. I don't stay for practice, but if I was told by the coach that my daughter was causing issues, she would be talked to and there would be consequences. One of the girls on DDs team talks back to the coaches and the mom seems to think it is funny. My kid would not be back at gym the next day if she talked back to a coach like that, it isn't cute OR funny. Gym is something that you are LUCKY to get to do, not that you DESERVE to do. I make sure my kiddo understands that and treats gymnastics appropriately.

I do think the coach needs to take a more proactive approach though. Her approach obviously isn't working and kids know who they can get away with things with. Maybe talk to her about a system. A 1-2-3x and you are out of practice thing. Both of you need to be on board because you might not always be watching.

And I honestly think that some of her behavior sounds normal for her age, but when it borders on shoving other kids and causing issues that the coach then has to mediate AND it is bothering you a lot, it is time to talk to her about your expectations for her behavior in class.

 

[bogwoppit]

You do not have to threaten her with no gym. Just tell her very calmly, getting down to her eye level, that she will be removed from gym if you see XXX behaviour. Threats are a waste of breath, clear expectations and clear consequences that are followed through with are key.

 

[emorymom]

I appreciate where you are coming from. In your situation I would be the same way. When my kids act up I do want a consequence. I don't want it to be OK to act disrespectfully somewhere. My son has been disciplined in gym. I see a lot more discipline of the young boys than the young girls, and those 5-7 year old boy groups tend to need more toughness from the coaches. But of course I would feel the same need for my daughter to be expected by the coaches to act appropriately.

 

[mariposa]

You do not have to threaten her with no gym. Just tell her very calmly, getting down to her eye level, that she will be removed from gym if you see XXX behaviour. Threats are a waste of breath, clear expectations and clear consequences that are followed through with are key.

Threats do nothing. You need to have a chat with her. Explain your expectations and the consequences for not following the rules. Next time she has practice, if she doesn't follow the rules, just take her home. No need for any other explanation except, "You were doing XXX, time to go home, maybe next practice you will behave." End of story. Ignore the tears.


I am not saying make her quit forever because of one bad gym day. Pulling her from a practice or 2 might be just what she needs to realize that gym is a privilege. She probably doesn't even realize that since she has always been in the gym.

Has she ever been worked up for ADD/ADHD?

 

[thefellowsmom]

My daughter is about the same age as yours. A few months back, I was picking her up and saw that she was goofing off and being really sloppy and then laughing about it. That evening I sat her down and gave the talk the others are referring to. Basically, I just told her that gymnastics is serious business and not for goofing off and if she wants to accomplish all the things she says she does that she has to work hard, listen to her coach and try her best every practice.

I asked her if she wanted to keep doing gymnastics, because it is expensive and we can quit any time. She immediately started to cry and tell me about how much she loves it and how she wants to do it forever etc. So I told her I was here to support her dreams every step of the way, but that she had to hold up her end of the deal, which I then laid out to her in a straight forward and compassionate, yet firm manner. This seemed to do the trick with her and I haven't seen much of this behavior since. Just an example that expressing the seriousness of gymnastics and the fact that it can go away can work with a kid this age.

With that said, they are 6. I'm always surprised when her coach tells me what a good work ethic she has and how she knows if she lays something out that my dd will always follow through. What I see is my silly, high energy, social butterfly who appears to be the least attentive in the group of older kids.

Good luck!

 

[sportyspice]

Bella's mom, I am so impressed with your insight into your child's behaviour and your seeking advice to remedy it, you are an amazing mother to do so! I think from your post it seems that one of your biggest problems is her coach, her teacher and others all having different expectations of "acceptable behaviour" from her. Sometimes behaviour like this occurs because she is seeking security from others through the creation of boundaries. Bogwoppit's advice was perfect, and "follow through with consequences" the most important part.

 

[Bella's Mom]

Has she ever been worked up for ADD/ADHD?

It is so funny that you ask. I was sobbing on the phone to my SIL and she suggested that I contact the school counselor for a referral to just this thing. I'll admit to not knowing a lot about the symptoms in smaller kids. I teach high school so I see it at that age range. I am going taking the day off tomorrow to go to school in the morning when I drop Bella off and talk to the counselor about this possibility.

 

[Bella's Mom]

My youngest is a real hard head and we go through the same stuff with her, every now and again I realise the leash has been let out too far and I have to yank her back in for a while.

My mom keeps reassuring me that I will be glad she is strong willed when she is an adul, but I'll be honest Bog....right now she is kickin' my butt.

 

[bogwoppit]

You are such a great mom, to notice and care enough to want to help your dd. Parenting is very hard, there are no medals for a job well done, but you deserve one today. Give yourself a hug and remember that this is another step on the path to your dd being a great adult.

Talking to the school counsellor is a great idea.

 

[Bella's Mom]

I think from your post it seems that one of your biggest problems is her coach, her teacher and others all having different expectations of "acceptable behaviour" from her.

And of course, I want everyone at my level of expectation.... LOL I know that I expect a lot. I'm big on yes ma'am no sir, eye contact when speaking, and above all respect. I am an army brat. I was raised to expect my elders and I raise my child to do the same. I just need the rest of my child raising village to agree with me.

 

[gymdog]

Draw a card with three smiling faces on it. Write "the rules" on the other side. Such as "listen and follow instructions," "no pushing or touching other gymnasts unless instructed to help them," "no climbing on equipment that the coach did not tell you to go on." She gets one warning, then a face gets crossed off. If all the faces get crossed off during class, then she loses [TV time, computer time, has to leave class that night etc]. And go the other way - if she has all the faces left then she gets [sticker, etc].

Before the class she will read the rules to you, or if she cannot read them you will read them with her. Have her repeat them back if you read them. Let her know what's one the line ahead of time.

Ideally the coach would enforce this, since she could then get the one warning, and also see the faces being crossed off. But if you really think she won't and you are watching class then I guess you could do this. That is not ideal though, really. It is best to get the coach on board. I would firmly explain that you have decided you needed higher expectations for her behavior and would like her to implement a simple system discreetly. Tell her you appreciate her giving the benefit of doubt for awhile to see if behavior improved but you are certain at this point she is capable of more and she responds to this type of boundaries and consequences. Ask the coach to help you with improving these behaviors and play up the idea of consistency and being a "team" in enforcing consistent behavior expectations.

 

[Bella's Mom]

I think her coach would be supportive of some kind of system. She looked very irritated when we left tonight. One of the reasons her coach and I decided to do weekly privates was because of this need Bella has to be the center of attention. She thought some one on one time with Bella might curb this acting out during class. Yeah not so much....... But it is another tool that I have in my mommy arsenal. B REALLY looks forward to her private.

 

[NewtoGym]

Bella's mom! I read your post while I had just got into the car after being frustrated with my daughter in jazz class! How funny the timing was! My daughter was goofing off a bit in gym around 6 months ago when she first started and I had the talk with her. It helped and things changed almost immediately. She is very serious and determined in gym now. However, I was watching her jazz class today for the first time in months and was shocked at how she was goofing off and not trying. She seems to find it boring compared gym (so she said after class). I made her write a "sorry" card to her teacher and explained to her how it was rude to the teacher and the other children, plus the money issue. I explained to her how dance helps in her gym routines and she seemed to be more excited. It is embarrasing and upsetting when your children misbehave. they are young and they will learn. You are doing a great job and your post made me feel better that there was another mom out there facing the same problem as me at the same time! Hang in there. I know it will improve.