WAG Coach problem

[Mimiluv]

My daughter really doesn't like one of her coaches. She is very negative and sarcastic. She doesn't have the option of not having this coach. I feel like it's affecting my daughter. She has lost some of her spark. I want her to leave this gym after this season, but she doesn't want to!!

I have talked to this coach and the owner and not much has changed. Not sure what to do.

Angela

 

[raenndrops]

I don't really have any advice, but we did have a similar situation once... but it was made clear that OG did not want to work with the "Negative Nancy" coach. Eventually (after 4-5 months of this), there were only a few girls above old L4 that WERE willing to work with her.

One day, she watched an old L6 floor routine and was asked what the gymnast could do to make it better. The coach refused to answer for a couple minutes... then said she was "too disgusted to talk about it."

This was devastating to the 10 year old girl. She told her mom and talked to HC and the coach was FINALLY let go.

 

[NH~GymMom]

I would try one more time to talk to the HC and, if necessary, the owner. Make sure you have specific examples that demonstrate what you're complaining about and ask what they can do to insure it is not impacting your daughter.

If you truly feel it is a caustic situation, you may have to move your daughter regardless of how she feels about it. If the owner and hc are not able/willing to do anything to change the coach's behavior you have to do what you feel is best for your gymmie.

A move would be tough for her, but it can be really positive. My DD just had a new girl join her training group and the girl's mom and I were chatting. Her DD was TERRIFIED of going to a new gym, despite being really sad and unmotivated at her old gym. It only took one night and she was a new kid. Girls will flock to your DD as the new girl, and she'll make instant friendships at the new gym, which will make leaving the old gym a little less hard to deal with.

 

[Mimiluv]

Thanks for the response. The problem is, that this negative coach and her nice husband will be taking over the gym soon. The original owners are retiring and selling it to them ugh. So it's basically stay or leave. My daughter doesn't want to go to a new gym and be "the new" girl. I know she wouldn't have any problem making new friends.

I have seen a change in her since we came to this gym almost 2 years ago. She isn't as excited or happy anymore. I am worried this coach is going to have a negative effect on her self esteem. She says she embarrasses her in front of the other girls and only points out what's wrong and not very much positive reenforcement.

I know it would be best to leave. I guess I need help convincing her of this lol.

Thanks,
Angela

 

[beamer]

Having "been there, done that": get out now.

 

[NH~GymMom]

Honestly, I would say that you don't need to convince your daughter. That's a near impossibility and if you can't convince her, then what? Find her a new gym and tell her she is moving. She might hate you for a bit, but in the long run you are doing what is best for her emotionally and mentally, which will have a positive impact no matter what.

 

[Mimiluv]

Thanks NH GYM MOM. You must have posted while I was posting lol.

Thanks so much for the encouragement it really helps.

That's it, she is not as motivated at all, not like she use to be anyway. I heard recently, when this coach came on board that a bunch of optional girls left the gym because of her.

My daughter moved really fast. She started in a beginner class in July of 2012 and made team in 5 months. I had no idea this would happen. So we did move a couple times, trying to find a good fit for both of us. I decided to get back into coaching so one gym was great for me and not for her and then the next gym was great for her but not for me lol. So when we came to this gym, I decided not to coach anymore and just be a mom (I miss it terribly). But we will have been here two years after this season is over and I have just seen her spark dwindle. If we do move we will be very picky, because I want this to be "hopefully"her forever gym.

I know what ?? To ask now and am much better informed than I had been.

 

[veganmami]

Having "been there, done that": get out now.

I completely agree especially since this coach is slated to become owner.

 

[Deleted member 14190]

Perhaps this should be in the parent forum because here goes.
First off kids exaggerat and take things personally, sorry they do it all the time. Some coaches are strict and shhhh the best in he world are as well..... Who knows ! But giving advice to leave a program because a coach is pointing out everything you are doing wrong (correcting) is bad advice. How about letting your child deal with it and if she decides to leave then do it. Sorry but but I get the same complaints about my beam coach,,, its because she is lets nothing slip by and is very firm. Some kids don't like her until they get that monster beam score or win state. So see what she produces first or you may be on the outside looking in.

 

[NH~GymMom]

My feedback assumed that the situation was more than just a coach being tough. But if that's the case, then I do agree with you @coachp . It definitely warrants another discussion with the coach (directly since you said she's taking over the gym anyway) either way before a decision is made.

My DD has a coach who she feels hates her. The coach doesn't. She's awesome, but tough. But you know your daughter and whether she's an exaggerator or not. Mine's a drama queen but I know when something is really bugging her.

 

[Deleted member 14190]

Sorry about all the errors in my post , my phone font is small and I am blind.

 

[gymgal]

How often does your dd have this coach? Is it her main coach or just one event? That would make a big difference in how I would handle this. I would also want clarification on whether this is a verbally abusive situation or simply an instructor who coaches through heavy corrections and spares the positive reinforcement for really big accomplishments. Lots of coaches are in the latter category and lots of kids are very successful with this type of coaching. If we are simply talking about a tough coach and it is not her only coach, I would stick it out and let your dd guide the way. She is going to run across these types of people all her life. It is a good learning opportunity for her - as long as she is getting what she needs from other coaches.

As for finding a forever gym - You could find the perfect gym and 3 months later they hire a new coach who doesn't mesh well with your dd. Am I correct that you have already moved 2-3 moves in 2 years? That is a lot of upheaval for a youngster. I can understand why she wouldn't want to move again. You also have to take into consideration that the "lost spark" may have nothing to do with coaching and may just be your dd easing out of gymnastics. Most girls do at some point. Not saying that's it in her case, but it is something to think about.

 

[munchkin3]

Hmmmm, it's hard once the negative energy has started. Bottom line, no child should have to deal with a negative sarcastic coach for hours everyday. Ever.

Gymnastics is hard enough, unless your kid is going Elite..... Even then I question if negative style coaching works long term.
I went through this for years with a coach. We tried everything in the book, made our son adjust as much as possible. He was reduced to a miserable, angry kid who literally stopped learning anything with this man. We looked at what our kid was doing wrong for years, telling him to obey and adjust to the coach.....Until one day I realized it really was the coach.....REALLY, he was mean, angry and sarcastic. It seemed like he didn't like kids at all, and hated some more than others......a really bad force.

Since then the coach left the gym, it is amazing that the ENTIRE gym is happier. The staff and the kids are just more symbiotic and progressive.

There are plenty of problem kids in gymnastics, and CGMs also.....but once in a while, you can also get a BAD coach too. They seem to do a lot of damage to kids.

My son left the gym anyway. The damage was done and he needed a new chapter. He is happier now than ever before.

 

[Natasha]

How old is your daughter?
If I am reading your posts correctly, she wasn't on team long before moving to this gym? Team coaching is generally quite a bit different than rec coaching.
Have you heard the coach interacting, or only your dd's perception?

 

[Mimiluv]

I understand what you're saying and having coached before, I don't automatically take my daughters side.

She tells my daughter "your legs are so skinny they always look bent" now my daughter has major issues with her legs and hates them. She reprimands my DD for things that the other girls are doing also, but seems to only call my daughter out. Just today she made my daughter stand for five minutes in front of her whole team and answer her as to why she was doing something the wrong way, she was counting casts to horizontal and didn't know her arms were suppose to be straight on her team mate for it to count, some other girls were doing it wrong also. Her coach says "what do you want her to get a bad score tomorrow"?!? My DD felt terrible. My daughter actually likes hard coaches, but ones that also have respect for her and aren't so sarcastic with their words. I was a hard coach but always tried to point out what my girls were doing well. I didn't want them leaving feeling bad about themselves. Some girls can take sarcasm but not all 7-11 year olds can. The owner told me I wasn't the first person to have this problem, so she is well aware of it, but they're leaving so I don't really think she cares that much to be honest.

 

[Mimiluv]

She is 11 now and started beg class right after her 9th b day, she wasn't doing rec for more than two months, maybe not even that, then she went fast track for a few months and then team. She has been team training now since like December of 2012. She competed level 3 last year and was always in the top 3 at every meet on her team and the coach still treated her like this.

She mostly has her for beam and floor, but she does coach other things, like today, she had her for everything, her husband is at a camp. She doesn't have a problem with any of her other coaches. But this one coach makes her not want to go to the gym some days. I try and tell her maybe it's because she knows you can do better blah blah blah.

Honestly, I find her very unapproachable as well and her husband told me everyone is scared of her lol lol. He's very nice, so I guess I know who wears the pants in the house.

We are going to see how the rest of this season plays out. I don't know what more to do. I got them an hour private together to see if that would
Help, it did for a day DD said.

I can't hear in the gym, but I can see her face ect. My daughter doesn't really make things up and when I talked to said coach before she never denied anything I was saying, but did get very defensive, which I didn't like. Wasn't like she felt bad at all that she had hurt my daughters feelings.

I have asked her if she's getting sick of it and if she wants to quit and she says no! I tell her I'm not going to be mad at all. But I have noticed a change in her, that she doesn't seem as happy. She had step throat/fever before we came to this gym and she cried and was so mad I wouldn't let her go to class.

Thanks for all the comments and help. I have a lot to think about. I really don't want to move gyms either, but it's gotta get better for DD.

 

[gymgymgymnast08]

What coachp said.

I was honestly terrified of one of my coaches. She was super strict and gruff and loved to yell. But she knew how to get good gymnastics out of you and if you did what she told you to you would do really well. So many people quit or changed gyms because of her but I was so lucky to have her!

And someday I might have a super strict boss who yells at me when I mess up but I can't quit my job because of that.

 

[Mimiluv]

I understand that. I guess she just doesn't make my daughter want to try and please her. Because even when she does do well she doesn't hear about it, it's only the wrong she hears about.

 

[curlymop]

She's commenting negatively about her body? To me that's a bigger issue than the general sarcasm. But I think I'd also have a problem with the other issue you described.

And someday I might have a super strict boss who yells at me when I mess up but I can't quit my job because of that.

The part where I think this analogy breaks down is that gymnastics is not a necessary part of life. An adult may very well be in a position where they have to stay at a job with a verbally abusive boss, at least temporarily, because most of us need a job in order to pay the bills. But I'm certainly not going to pay good money so that my child can get verbally abused (if that is indeed what's going on) by a coach in a voluntary activity. If this were a teacher at school, I'd give her much more leeway, but even in that situation at a certain point I'd have to step in.

 

[Mimiluv]

Exactly Curly mom. And then insinuating my daughter wanted her team mate to do badly at a meet!! And that was said in front of the team mates.