Parents Crying at Meets...

[ollieblueeyes]

Please help me help my YDD. She is 8 yrs old and feels everything strongly...When thing are good, they are very, very good. And when things are bad, they are very, very bad! It’s all great when things are going her way...others comment of her bubbly happy self.

But on the flip side, when things go wrong, she shows that too. She cries and gets embarrassed and cries more . How do I help her? This is more crying in frustration rather than scores or anything. Last meet her coach had to stop her from attempting a stride circle for the third time while obviously sobbing....Her coaches do a great job of a few quick words and leaving her be, which is what she said she needed.

She is on the development squad still and fairly young yet, is this something she will just grow out of?

 

[sglemon]

Her coaches need to take care of it at the meets. They need to put their foot dawn and tell her it is unacceptable. My 9 yo has that issue and her coaches come down strongly on her. She is a great kid, never gets visably mad, or anything, very even mood, but when she gets scared of something, whether a skill or disappointing her coaches, the tears start. her coaches know her well, and really keep it under control. Her first meet of the season, level 5, and her first event was vault. On her very first practice vault, she slid across the table on her hands and landed on her head on the other side. Luckily her coach help break the fall. It scared her to death and she started to cry. She attempted a second one, and landed on her head on the table. She stood in the corner near the start of the vault run, crying. Her coach went to her and I could tell was talking firmly to her. No, hugs, personal contact, just a firm talking to. She wiped her eyes, and did her last practice vault, on her own.

There isn't anything you can do while it happens, except maybe to stress to her, after the fact, it is OK to cry at home, but not in the gym.

 

[bogwoppit]

I told my kids at the start of competing that I only wanted to see tears if they were hurt. That they needed to learn how to control themselves when they are frustrated or disappointed at meets. It is hard on everyone when a gymnast melts down and even though it is harsh they do need to learn these public coping skills for life.

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[Deleted member D3987]

tell her that it is a waste of energy to cry over something (gymnastics) that takes years to learn. tell her that she will get "dehydrated" and that her body needs "fluid" for energy and to keep her "muscles" & "organs" & "brain" cool so that her body performs the way she wants it to perform.

if she continues to cry she will "lose" fluid" which will make her "tired" & "hot" which will cause her to take repeated trips to the drinking fountain which will cause her to lose turns at the events which will cause her to get worse instead of better.

then ask her if she wants to get better or not? and say it to her seriously. only the way a dad can. and if she fact checks this with her coach, they will already no where it is coming from and they'll back you 100%.

and then let her know it's always okay to cry if you're hurt. and that's 1 way that adults can tell if they are. and of course we need to know that. it's the "crying wolf" principle, and this is yet another way to convey it and kill 2 birds with 1 stone.

 

[ollieblueeyes]

The crying rarely happens at practice, typically at meets only. SHe has similar responses to 'bad' math tests etc. If she could control it, she would. From the stands I watch her attempt to get a hold of herself and teammates usually attempt to make her feel better and then it starts again. The coaches know to leave her alone. She knows it is not allowed and really attempts to control it but does not seem to have the ability at this point. She does not want to cry anymore than anyone else wants to see it!

I will have DH talk to her about the wasted fluid angle....he may be able to sell that.

Any other tools to help cope would be appreciated!

 

[Jen H.]

No crying in gymnastics! (meets).
My (then 8) girl cried after a particularly bad floor routine, her coach had words with her, basically telling her to pull herself together and that she still had to cheer on her teammates. She wasn't able to, and her coach had her sit out and away from the team until she pulled it together. Heartbreaking to watch from the sides, but a good lesson.

Now she saves all her wrath for the ride home.

 

[wallinbl]

Learning to control your emotions is a hard, long process. I was one that had trouble with it for years. I'm not sure I ever had a strike out in little league where I didn't cry or beat back tears. It's difficult when the sport has such clearly defined failures (soccer never got to me as much). I'm not sure it got better until I was older. You have to stress to her that life marches on regardless of the little things that bother us. It's good that they bother us because it helps us get better, but it's important to start seeing them as things to improve upon or motivation to get better. Changing that mindset will make them less upsetting.

 

[Gymmommy71]

Abby Lee Miller on Dance Moms said "kids should cry when their arm is broken and it's hanging off, or somebody died...that's it!" Lol...DD and I love that show (I know, I know...) My DD has had her share of crying over stuff that doesn't meet that rule...it *can* be frustrating. Sometimes just ignoring the crying, as opposed to giving it a lot of attention (either by showing sympathy or getting angry), works best.

 

[gymgal]

I wrote a very similiar note about a year ago, having the same exact problem with my dd. For dd, the tears came from nerves, which progressed to frustration (can't do a skill right if you're too nervous), to embarrassment (from falling apart in front of your coaches, friends and hundreds of strangers). And it was a cycle that is difficult to break. I am like this too so I know how hard it is to break the cycle. In the beginning, the coaches and teammates tried to comfort her, which made it worse because she was more embarrassed. What ended up working was a two fold approach - everyone ignoring it (and coaches giving a firm "get over it") and learning some coping exercises (breathing, visualizations) to reduce the nerves before an event, which was the primary trigger point to begin with. Confidence has helped too but that only comes with more experience, so you can't wait around for it. You have to find other things to help in the meantime. We have seen a huge difference between the start of last season and this season. She still is super nervous but she holds it together better with the breathing and visuals.

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[Amusibus]

Maybe it is just my kiddo's diagnoses, but I know simpy telling her it's unacceptable or offering rational explanations as to why you can't cry at meets would do absolutely nothing to stop the emotionally- based crying in the heat of the moment. Not at meets, but at practice my daughter had this problem at around age 5 - she'd either cry or simply refuse to participate. After grilling her a bit it turned out she was afraid to do things wrong, it was her perfectionism that was the problem. So we used to have a little discussion before practice like, "Will coach R___ be mad at you if you try something but do it wrong? No, she won't, but would she be upset if you wouldn't try it? Yes, she would". So I guess try to question her about it when she is calm, maybe if you can figure out what she is really upset about, address those specific things, then she will be more receptive to explanations and such.

 

[Pineapple_Lump]

If team mates are setting her off (with best intentions), she needs to go to the bathroom and compose herself before coming back.

 

[cbifoja]

Yeah, our coach doesn't tolerate crying on the competition floor...especially if it is score related. Like Pineapple said, you go somewhere private and compose yourself.

Of course, the girls are used to that because she follows the same policy in practice. If you are hurt, you can cry. If you are frustrated or angry, you can go to the bathroom.

 

[gymgal]

Yeah, our coach doesn't tolerate crying on the competition floor...especially if it is score related. Like Pineapple said, you go somewhere private and compose yourself.

Of course, the girls are used to that because she follows the same policy in practice. If you are hurt, you can cry. If you are frustrated or angry, you can go to the bathroom.

This works well with frustration and pity crying but is not a good approach for nervous and embarrassment crying. Btdt... Sending this type of child away until she is calmer will only cause more anxiety about the return trip to the group and prolong the situatiin. It is best to have the child stay with teammates ignoring the situation.

This is why it is so important to know why she is crying, what what brings it on and what stops it. You can't treat all crying the same...

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[GymBeeMom]

My DD doesn't cry but she gets "brain freeze." She is also 8. WE told her to take frustrations and turn them into "fun stations". WE tell her that fall on her head must have looked like a cartoon character and to imagine herself that way when she makes a mistake. The imagery of herself as a cartoon character with the stars around her head has really helped to relax. Never getting to the point of brain freeze, stopping it before it starts. She has quickly learned to laugh at herself in a positive way and not let it get to her so much. It has really worked wonders and is now approaching her fears in the same way. We try to turn every bad moment into something funny or fun, taking note that it wasn't her best moment. She is learning the lighter side of herself and everyone is happier for it. It may be worth a try

 

[kayjaybe]

Hmmm...These responses are very interesting. My dd has cried at a meet. Not sobbing and wailing, but at states (L5), she was disappointed in her performance on floor and went behind her group and cried for a few minutes. She then came back and cheered on her teammates. She wasn't being a poor sport. She was just disappointed in herself and it made her sad.

She worked very hard to hold back the tears at our meet this weekend when she didn't medal. (Our team does quite well and 16 of the 18 girls got medals, so it is particularly disappointing to be one that doesn't.) She was able to control them until we got home.

Throwing hysterics or having a sob-fest for 1/2 an hour is unacceptable. But I'm surprised at how many people are against the child having a quiet moment with a few tears to work through her disappointment.

 

[my4buffaloes]

I have a crier. It is frustrating to watch at practice and at meets. Her coaches and I are working on it and I can honestly say that over the years it has gotten so much better. She rarely cries at practices anymore but I did just have to talk to her about whining. I know they shouldn't do it, she knows she shouldn't do it, but being able to control it is a whole different ball game for kids. She has grown out of much of it and your dd will get better at handling it too. It just takes time and experiences to help them mature enough to control it.

 

[Gymdaddio]

Throwing hysterics or having a sob-fest for 1/2 an hour is unacceptable. But I'm surprised at how many people are against the child having a quiet moment with a few tears to work through her disappointment.

This is how I feel, also. My DD bombed on her vault last season and started to cry because she was disappointed in herself. She cried while she sat by herself putting on her grips. She got through it and went on to place 5th then 3rd then 1st on her next 3 events. While I didn't like the crying, I was very proud of how she pulled herself through it.

 

[Krystan]

If team mates are setting her off (with best intentions), she needs to go to the bathroom and compose herself before coming back.

I agree with this. Sometimes people trying to comfort a crying person makes it worse. Certainly they mean well (and generally I would want my child to try and comfort a crying friend), but in public or under stressful circumstances it's not usually a good idea and will backfire.

We had a meet recently where one of dd's teammates (who NEVER has cried at gym or meets before) had a heartbreaking bar routine. She missed her squat-on three times in a row, and then missed her high bar kip altogether. I sat next to her mother, who was crying because of her daughter's frustration/disappointment/embarrassment. It was so hard for her to not go over and comfort her, but of course I had to talk her out of it. It's not allowed, for one, and I said, "If you go over there and give her a hug, do you think she'll stop crying faster, or cry longer." She admitted that it would make things worse. In fact, the girl stopped crying pretty quickly and did well in her other events. They need to learn to work through that, it's just very hard for a parent to watch!

Especially if the crying is anxiety/embarassment/frustration related, the bigger deal that is made of it, the worse it will be (IMO). Not calling attention to it and just letting the person have their private "moment" will usually get it over with fastest.

 

[cbifoja]

I think some of it just might be personality differences as well. Not that either method is right or wrong, but some people are just criers and some aren't. Personally, I think it has probably been years since I've cried. I come from a military family and was raised not to cry. Some may think that is "wrong" or "harsh" but it isn't to me because it's all I've ever known. You can cry with painful injury or if someone close to you dies. Other situations require bravery and keeping emotions under control. Again, that was MY upbringing and it has shaped my personality.

Bella has picked up on that and to a point is being raised in a similar, but not exact manner. I don't accept public crying for disappointments and hurts but I do allow her to sob in my arms at home, something I was not afforded during my childhood. But in public, we control our emotions because that's what I think is "proper". I don't want Bella crying in public except for injury or death of a loved one.

At the same time, I respect the fact that others raise their children differently and I'm just glad that we are allowed to do so!

 

[DisMom]

Ok, this may be unorthodox, but its easy and worth a shot.

OP says this happens only at meets and not practice. Also with things like math tests. So clearly this is stress-related and along the lines of performance anxiety. I think it might be worth taking her to a clinical hypnotherapist. Hypnosis at its core is just learning self-relaxation techniques.

And you don't have to worry about going to some new agey weird type of place. Lol. Lots of pediatricians have a person in their practice who is also a licensed hypnotherapist.

Like I said, unorthodox, sure. But it's harmless, painless, etc. And since she's a minor, you'd be in the room the whole session.