Parents Dealing with Mean Girls

[gwenmom]

I know this has been discussed before, but I need some advice.

DD is 8 and there are two girls in her level that are already showing signs of "mean girl" behavior eventhough they are even younger than DD. DD came home with hurt feelings last night, although I was proud of her for standing up and telling the girl she was being rude, we need more advice.

Talking to the moms wont' work. The moms act the same way, so I know exactly where the girls get it from.

Thanks in advance

 

[Deleted member D3987]

"i have nothing more to say to you unless you have something nice to say" or "if you don't have anything nice to say, please don't speak to me".

 

[MeetDirector]

And, make sure that she doesn't let these immature individuals impact her effort during workout. Effort put out by those dedicated and able to focus will be rewarded. The "mean girl" attitude is a strategy to bring her down so that the mean ones will "look" better. Focus on her own workout and block out the distractions.

 

[z2akids]

Our coaches are really on top of preventing this type of behavior. You don't have to name names (although the coaches can probably guess) but, they may be able to have reinforcing talks with the girls about respect and spirit. At that age, it can have a big impact coming gettin the coach.

 

[Midwestmommy]

The article listed below has great information for girls about being a friend not a frenemy (I would like it better if it was worded "how to a be friend not a frenemy" but the info is there). This can be pretty powerful stuff coming from a trusted adult like a coach or teacher, to proactively communicate behavior standards for the group.

I agree with the other poster that talking to them as a group works best, trying to to create a group atmosphere of doing the right thing. Unfortunately some kids learn this behavior from their parents, so calling out one individual without communicating the proper expectations for the team could be ineffective. Tween girls are very good at hiding this behavior from adults. Sometimes the "teachers pet" is the worst offender.


http://bullying.about.com/od/Friendship/a/Is-Your-Child-S-Friend-A-Bully.htm

 

[cbifoja]

I hate the group talk. unless the entire group is being mean why treat them all the same? I think it makes the leader look like they aren't sure who the guilty party is. if you have a mean girl, pull the girl and talk to her. if you have a mean clique, pull the clique and talk to them. I think it's a much more powerful message that way.

I never lecture my whole class if only one or two kids are at fault and I never do class-wide punishments. I'm a firm believer in the take the kid into the hall or keep them after class approach to dealing with problem children.

 

[Rapunzel]

I've recently bought my dd a book on "standing up for yourself and your friends" because of a few issues at school. It's from the American Girl series, has some fun little quizzes and some great come backs - I like the one where you just reply "really?" Over and over again.

 

[Midwestmommy]

I was talking about the leader proactively setting expectations and talking about some of these expectations before problems happen. That's not "punishing the group." In my opinion it is more effective and frankly most teachers and coaches are blind to most of the mean girl behavior. It's not because they don't care, but because mean girl behavior can be subtle. Some mean girls, perhaps most, are very good at doing it under the radar of adults.

The most effective preventers of bullying are the groups of kids themselves who believe in tolerance and respect, and who have been given some guidance and tools by adults they respect. Punishing the 5 percent of behavior an adult actually sees is not very effective. Almost all bullying prevention training starts with creating the right culture proactively.

that sounds like a good book, I might pick that one up.

 

[Midwestmommy]

Mean girl bullying is rarely one person, but rather frenemy type relationship aggression patterns that can impact social patterns in groups of kids. It takes the group to fix it, or better yet, prevent it or nip it in the bud.

 

[scanlri]

I feel for you and your dd. Mine went through serious issues last year, and it was tough. The good news is you are working with her through it. My dd tried many different tactics, spent a lot of time taking it personally, and has now moved on. She employed two different tactics: ignore it, and saying that isn't very nice. It still goes on, but not as often or as harsh. My dd now just ignores it and recognizes that it isn't about her. Good luck to you and your dd!