Parents Do you "reward" your kid?

[Deleted member 18037]

Some relevant reading: https://www.verywell.com/what-is-the-overjustification-effect-2795386

I call that self talk. We do a lot of that.

I have those kind of conversations with my kid. Been having them with her since before she could talk. And I have them with myself out loud so she hears the"self talk"..

Because self esteem of course doesn't come from the outside but inside.

Wow you have been working so hard on abc, you should be so proud of yourself.
Gee those extra xyz's you have been doing are paying off, your are so much quicker, stronger, whatever. You should be so proud.
Nice job, you were frustrated but you kept working and you got it.......

I problem solve around her, out loud, so she sees, the work not just the result of whatever it is. About what is/was hard for me so she gets its not a given.
Her father and I play backgammon a lot and he beats me, oh 99% of the time. Get beat at scrabble too. And she asks why I keep playing with him. And I tell her because he makes my game get better.
Self talk.

I think the self talk is sinking in. She, when asked, tends to say the things she likes best or is most proud of tend to be the things she works hard on.

She had her first big project last year. She left it until the last minute and was then stressing because it wasn't long enough. At 10 pm the night before due date, when I had to say its done. Its fine. But wasn't up to her standard, she was incredibly upset. Lots of self talk as she drifted off to sleep. She got up early the next day and chose to do more. Beyond proud of the end result. Lesson learned about best effort and procrastination. No reward on the line.

Her gymnastics, the event that comes easiest for her has never been her favorite. Her favorite events do change year to year, usually based on great improvement with things that didn't come easy. The things she had to put more work into to get better. Sometimes the results follow with podium finishes, sometimes not. Bars have never been a favorite until this year. She will currently say when asked bars are her favorite (as Moms jaw drops behind her). Even after getting her worst bar score ever in JO. But we (parents and coaches) and she can see the promise of the effort. She was beyond proud of herself for what I think was last place all age groups.

In another context, I'm participating in a conversation with some folks who are extremely frustrated with their students, who, instead of working on their homework problems and coming up with the answers themselves, are scouring the internet to find the right answers so that they can get 100%s on all the homework assignments.

Couldn't stand last years teacher because she graded homework. Love this years teacher because they correct as a class. Her philosphy, if I grade it they never bother to even look at what they get wrong, and never learn to self correct (or their parents help them).

About all I can say is dear G-d please do not let them grow up to be engineers, doctors, or any other type of professionals in which lives depend on their being able to figure out the right answers themselves.

Oh from experience I can assure today's docs spend an awful lot of time ordering every test imaginable hoping something sticks.

 

[rosiekat]

No, we sometimes go out to dinner (lunch, whatever) with the rest of the team. But that's it.

 

[BachFlyer]

And I will continue to maintain that it's better to teach kids to value learning than to monetize particular grades, which, under the BEST of circumstances, are merely a teacher's summative assessment of how close the child has gotten to the teacher's own extrinsic criteria for mastery. School is not my kids' job. They have a whole adult life ahead of them in which they may choose when and how to exchange their labor for money, and I'd prefer that they understand that some things in life should not be monetized.

I love this answer! Personally, I feel the same about both school and sports. The value is in the doing. There are a whole load of things that have intrinsic value I don't bribe or reward my children for doing, some of which similarly involve personal goal setting, and some of which are just things that one does to be a responsible & happy adult: being considerate to me and others, helping around the house, not littering, practicing their instruments/drawing/other hobbies, learning about the world around them.

The terms and rewards of employment are usually pretty defined and correlate to a specific amount of money in return. There certainly may be more value to employment beyond dollars to an individual, but ultimately we work to make money. I personally don't want my kids to learn the lesson that everything in life has a dollar sign, or a "thing" attached, because there's already too much materialism in the world IMO.

That being said, today is report card day, and the grades look really good, so I'm planning to find a little way to celebrate. I hope it will be a fun surprise because they haven't come to expect anything more than a hug and my acknowledgement of a job well done.

 

[z2akids]

I was thinking about this post today. DD has been struggling with her BHS on beam. The plan is for her to comprte it this winter and there is no really backup plan.

Well, the other day, DD was telling me that she wanted to add a skill to her floor routine. I told her to talk to her coach. HC told her that, when she got her BHS consistent, she could add the fun skill to the floor routine. So, today DD moved from low beam with a panel mat next to it all the way to the high beam (our lower high beam - around 3 feet) with just an 8" under it. So, huge progress.

DD knows that she has to have the BHS, so HC basically told her she could have the fun skill. But, she still liked the carrot/stick offered by coach. And, I am totally removed from the reward, which is my preference. A couple of DD's teammates have reward systems in place for skills they are struggling with. I prefer that the coach and DD deal with it themselves.

 

[Geoffrey Taucer]

Oh, and to clarify one more thing:

I have no problem with small rewards that come as a surprise; it only becomes problematic when the athlete anticipates a reward in advance, and thus heads into practice/competition with the reward in mind. So I object to "If you get a 37, I'll buy you an ice cream after the meet," but I have no problem with "great meet, let's celebrate with some ice cream on the way home!"

Even then, the reward should be something small, and preferably something that the parents enjoy with the athlete. Going out to their favorite restaurant is fine; buying them a PS4 is not.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

"If you get a 37, I'll buy you an ice cream after the meet," but I have no problem with "great meet, let's celebrate with some ice cream on the way home!"

These are completely different things. The first is more a bribe the second a celebration.

 

[CAKE]

Im not buying any PS4s around here but if the situation is working for a parent and kid why is it your business? Is it because you are upset you cant offer such a big reward to your kid? Why do you object to anything that doesnt effect you???? Ive got a lot of parents at our gym who seem to think they get to have opinions about my parenting and Im trying to understand why they feel that way... it is usually jealousy.

Its okay if it comes as a surprise? Why is that magically better? why is there some magical monetary value that is okay and another isnt. So Bill Gates only gets to take his kids out to ice cream?

There is research on both side of this, it's awesome to share with people what you do, but why so much judgement on what other people are doing with their kids???? How does that effect yours???

So many strong judgemental opinions in a sport that is doing jack to protect the mental, emotional and physical health of children.. Im really trying to get the culture but not digging it.

This is a very joyless sport, huh?

 

[skschlag]

Well, Cake, I agree with you that really, it is none of anyone's business how it works for your family. That is your business. However, the question was posed here, so people get to express their differing opinions.

And unfortunately, the big one at our gym did affect my son, as the other kid bragged about getting paid to beat my son at a meat. It was definitely demoralizing for my kiddo at the time.

 

[Mish]

1.Yes, everyone should do what is right for their child and their family. When my daughter was learning lv 3 skills we started joking about going for fro-yo if she got xyz skill. We did. Never was pressure, whenever skill came we went as a "yay, you got it". We still joke about fro-yo in lv 6/7 and I will take her when she gets this giant back after her fear and injuries. She is super motivated to get it back, and yes, that is the internal motivation, but nothing wrong with a little "icing on the cake."

2. It should never be right to pay a child to beat another child (but should be your own choice to monetarily reward the child for doing a job well done if this would provide an extra incentive for him, nothing to do with beating anyone).

3. Please, there is a big difference between a bribe and a reward. A reward doesn't have to be a surprise, nor should it be if you are using it as extra motivation. In simplest terms it is a contingency set up prior to the desired behavior and given after the desired behavior occurs. A bribe is different: A bribe is a condition set up after something undesirable occurs (kid crying in store) to change behavior (If you stop crying I'll give you a cookie). This almost ALWAYS backfires because kids learns to engage in bad behavior to ultimately get reward.

 

[BachFlyer]

This is a very joyless sport, huh?

I don't think so at all. It's an intense, difficult, expensive, time-consuming, and sometimes controversial sport, but my gymnast and even our whole family has found no end to the fun and other positive benefits that it brings. I don't think those of us that lean away from monetary or other "bribe" type motivation are in any way making our children's journeys joyless.

To be fair, we are all on a message board to share opinions. Of course sometimes they are going to differ! That's the whole point of the board, hopefully, to share perspectives and experiences and learn.

 

[CAKE]

We are here to share opinions, yes.. but it's a judgey sport on every angle. Sorry but Im just kind of processing it verbally right now.

Im just not used to dealing with these kinds of logic as I function in a very logical business world and am only forced by my children's training hours to try and understand this one.

I think I understand the sport and community now more though, so it has been very enlightening.

I do appreciate everyone verbalizing these things. This message board makes gyms make SO MUCH MORE sense.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

. This message board makes gyms make SO MUCH MORE sense.

I wouldn't say make more sense. Just don't feel its just our gym. In fact in some ways I have a much better appreciation knowing the grass isn't always greener.