Anon How do I help my daughter focus on HER gymnastics, and not worry about what her teammates are or aren't doing?

[Anonymous (946b)]

There is a girl in my daughters training group (training level 9/10) who is driving her crazy (they are both 12). She comes home most days complaining about how this girl cheats on conditioning, never doing full amount of reps and cheats on assignments, for example if they are told to make 3 series on beam this girl will do 1, and then stand around and be "done" when the other girls are. I have tried telling her to focus on her gymnastics, and that this girl is only hurting herself, and it will catch up to her, however this girl is also easily one of the best on the team, scored the best last season, usually gets new skills first, is a complete natural. So my daughter isn't buying that this will catch up to her eventually. Anything else I can say to her other than keep reiterating to just worry about her gymnastics and not what others are doing? I'm not sure why she is so hyper-focused and annoyed about her teammate. It's driving me nuts.

 

[Anonymous (f57e)]

Been there! There was a girl like this on my daughters team too and ya know, the cheating-on-conditioning thing truly never caught up to her. Some people do have it easier and/or are just more talented and that's OK! I would try to sus out *why* this bothers your DD so much (sounds like jealously, which is a natural emotion so maybe work on addressing those feelings?). The girl on my DD's team who was like this was kinda an "IT" girl. She was popular (with both peers and coaches), pretty, smart, etc. She also possesses some personality traits that are not natural strengths for my DD so I think she was always a little jealous of this girl.

 

[Aussie_coach]

It’s natural to feel put out. In any area in life, it’s not fun to work really hard at something and then see someone else just skip it, get away with it and still do well.

Is the coach aware? If I have a gymnast cheating, often another gymnast will have a quiet word in my ear and I will then monitor that situation and deal with it myself.

 

[Anonymous (0463)]

You just described my compulsory-level daughter and her fixation on “that” girl.P I’m dying a little imagining this going on through optionals. She’s had one of these girls at every level so far. Last year’s quit mid-season, and I was so relieved! But months later, she was replaced by a fresh version of the same thing who transferred from another gym.

I’m old, and unfortunately I have encountered this girl in every sport, every school, and every job since childhood. I’ve always wondered what it’s like to be those naturally talented/conscience-free/alpha girls, and I have so much empathy for every emotion your daughter is feeling right now.

My question for coaches: how do you manage to never notice the girls who cheat on reps or sets? Or do you notice, but their natural talent makes it not worth saying anything?

 

[Anonymous (2219)]

My question for coaches: how do you manage to never notice the girls who cheat on reps or sets? Or do you notice, but their natural talent makes it not worth saying anything?

I always wonder about that too. How can the coaches consistently miss the fact that the same kid/s are always cheating? My daughter has always had to work so hard in this sport. She's a kid who does 25 reps in conditioning if they are told to do 20. Going back for years I can remember her being upset about kids cheating and getting away with it and I have always used that line about how they are only cheating themselves. But it can be maddening. So often those kids do seem to get away with it. The most talented girl in their training 9 group is never at practice. She always has some reason to miss, but when she does show up she's amazing. It's to the point that I assume she'll skip practice until the week before their first meet then finish first place aa. I've had so many conversations about just focusing on your own progress, don't worry about anyone else, but I guess it just comes down to life isn't really fair and talent, just like intelligence, good health, physical appearance, having a supportive family, family finances, and so many other things in life aren't doled out equally.

 

[Anonymous (946b)]

Well I’m glad my daughter isn’t the only one dealing with this, but ugh, I’m sorry. It’s so frustrating.

I’m also curious how a coach would miss this and not notice. I did suggest my daughter say something if it bothered her so much, but she was horrified at the idea of complaining to the coach.

One of those things, just is what it is I guess.

 

[Anonymous (2333)]

The coaches know who cheats and who does the numbers. They know who helps set up stations and move mats and who always needs a drink when there is work to be done. They know which kids will only go on a certain beam and who always has extra turns or shuffles themselves to the end of the line or goes to the busy bar.

When the kids are younger we count our partner or do the set together, but once they reach a certain age/ level it is on them. If they understand why the strength/ activity is important and choose not to do the asked number they are limiting themselves. It may seem that it doesn’t catch up with them but imagine how amazing they could be if they cared enough to put in the work. I have had kids swear back and blue that they did the full amount when they have been right in front of me, I have counted the set and they haven’t done even half but should I accuse them of being both a liar and a cheat? Punish them with strength? Sit them out so they miss out on what they are trying to avoid anyway? I explain why it is important, what skills it will help, but if that child will continue to cheat whenever they can, it is no use wanting it for them more than they want it themselves.

 

[Gymnast28]

Well I’m glad my daughter isn’t the only one dealing with this, but ugh, I’m sorry. It’s so frustrating.

I’m also curious how a coach would miss this and not notice. I did suggest my daughter say something if it bothered her so much, but she was horrified at the idea of complaining to the coach.

One of those things, just is what it is I guess.

Well being an athlete who experienced this first hand I did end up passing the girl eventually it was a lot of work but I did it. When I struggled with this my mom said instead of being mad about her cheating complement her. Which I always thought was a weird idea. But if you get you daughter to try saying stuff like “wow your done already that was so fast good for you” or “ that was so quick do you think you could give me a few pointers since you are done” it amuses the coaches to hear that they are “done” so they will hopefully question the girl as well as make your daughter look like the snitch it ended up working hreat for me and other kids in my group joined in. It was so noticeable by the end my coach couldn’t ignore it.

 

[AnonymouseSqueak]

Well being an athlete who experienced this first hand I did end up passing the girl eventually it was a lot of work but I did it. When I struggled with this my mom said instead of being mad about her cheating complement her. Which I always thought was a weird idea. But if you get you daughter to try saying stuff like “wow your done already that was so fast good for you” or “ that was so quick do you think you could give me a few pointers since you are done” it amuses the coaches to hear that they are “done” so they will hopefully question the girl as well as make your daughter look like the snitch it ended up working hreat for me and other kids in my group joined in. It was so noticeable by the end my coach couldn’t ignore it.

Your mother was a genius.

 

[Anonymous (91bd)]

Just don’t engage. Give it all the attention it deserves and no more.

Something like ‘yep, you’ve told me this before, but nothing has changed and I’d rather hear about your day’. And then if she keeps on, just keep nicely but firmly shutting it down.

It is frustrating when somebody else cheats and gets away with it, but once you’ve listened and talked it out a couple of times, allowing her to continually air that frustration by engaging with it just fuels it further, as well as giving her the impression that it is something that deserves airtime, which it really isn’t.

 

[Anonymous (ef73)]

We've definitely all known that girl in every situation in our lives. My daughter has definitely known that girl at the gym multiple times, there always seems to be one. I have always assured her that the coaches notice, whether she thinks they are paying attention or not. And those girls are only hurting themselves, maybe not in competition performance, but in other ways. Coaches notice the hard working girls with a good work ethic and those are the girls who increasingly get put into leadership roles (even if informally) at the gym and are often given more opportunities than the girls with lesser work ethic. There's a lot more to gymnastics than just gymnastics and the hard working girls reap more benefits in the long run than the cheaters.