Parents How much to let them vent

[mommyof1]

My kid has been having a rough time at the gym for the past several months. I keep thinking she's pushed through it and gotten her confidence back, but then I am quickly proven wrong. She feels like she's the worst gymnast on the team and that her coach doesn't believe in her and is treating her unfairly. The coach is a rather stern person and has made her expectations clear in no uncertain terms, but I haven't heard any evidence that she is not being fair. In the summer we have a half-hour car ride after every practice, the entirety of which she spends lamenting how bad a gymnast she is, how her coach thinks she is no good, and how it's not fair that she didn't get to do such and such a thing. I have tried reasoning with her, challenging her to think for herself ("So what is the worst thing that could happen if you did the skill without a spot like coach wants you to?"), offering to provide Doc Ali materials (she is opposed), and just listening. Nothing seems to stem the tide of negativity. She insists that she loves gymnastics and wants to continue, but she says she wants a different coach. That is not possible at the current time, although she will never have this coach again if she ever manages to get herself out of L3. I also believe that if she can just work through whatever issues she's having with the sport and her coach, she will be a much stronger, more confident person in all areas of her life. She is used to being the best at everything, and it's been very hard for her to discover that gymnastics is not like that.

I finally told her I would no longer entertain any discussion of gymnastics, and she begged me not to ban the topic because venting makes her feel better. I can't take it any longer. It is turning me into a basket case CGM, constantly worrying about whether she got to be a line leader and whether she attempted her cartwheel on the high beam. I also don't really think it is helping my daughter much.

More experienced gym parents, how have you dealt with situations like this? Am I right in banning all gymnastics talk? Should I give her five minutes and then tell her to stop talking about gymnastics? Insist she do Doc Ali? Play loud music and ignore it? Allow her to continue venting and stock up on chocolate bars and pinot noir?

 

[AgingHippie]

The pinot sounds good either way! Seriously, I would let her get it out of her system for a set time on the way home (5 to 7 minutes) and then make her tell you a few good or fun things that happened at the gym that day.

I really feel at the younger ages this can be a tough part of the season, lots of work without a lot of full routines to feel like they have made progress.

Hang in there, buy some cute wine glasses!

 

[mommyof1]

I really feel at the younger ages this can be a tough part of the season, lots of work without a lot of full routines to feel like they have made progress.

Interesting that you point this out--today she was complaining that they are not doing full routines, which I thought would be a good thing!

 

[looly]

How old is your child? I would deal with this very differently with my younger child than with my 10 year old...

 

[OrangeKangaroo]

I think you should let her vent- keeps the lines of communication going especially as she gets older you want her to tell you everything so when she gets older she will still tell you things because you listen, small stuff to you is big stuff to her. I would just listen, acknowledged her feelings and at other times make sure she knows your proud of her, for who she is not what she does. ( I'm sure you do this already) And wine helps keep the CGM away when your sick of listening to it- good luck it's not an easy sport

 

[mommyof1]

How old is your child? I would deal with this very differently with my younger child than with my 10 year old...

She is 9, rising fifth grade.

 

[looly]

I would give her a time limit - I know my 10 year old still doesn't have a great sense of time, so I would actually make it a physical reference along the route home "once we get to xx street and we are halfway home, you have to tell me two good things that happened in practice and then let's talk about what's on our (non-gymnastics) schedule for tomorrow." Some people's personalities are such that they need to verbally process things to be able to move on, but I think helping a child learn to do that in a more constructive way is good.

 

[Aussie_coach]

Why not tell her she must say 5 good things about her workout first and then if she manages to achieve that she is allowed to vent. If she struggles to find good things you can prompt her with questions. This will force her to think positively.

The problem with venting is that negative thinking begats more negative thinking. Once she starts looking at all the negatives she will see more and more negatives. But it works the other way too. If she starts looking for positives she will see more of them.

 

[JoyAvenueMom]

Great advice so far. Kipper just turned 12 and started having gym-related anxiety at age 9yo. Over the past 3 years, I have learned a few things about dealing with this. I hope some of it is helpful:
1) Let her vent, but set limits. At 9, we called it "worry time". This time doesn't have a name any more, but she she has learned the value of talking things through for a period, then putting those negative thoughts away as much as possible.
2) Make her tell you at least one good thing that happened at practice. Kipper acts annoyed at my daily request for her RGT, but she confessed recently that it really helps and means a lot to her.
3) Don't mistake her venting as her way of telling you she wants to quit. She doesn't. She probably doesn't want or need you to "do" anything either. You're just a safe place she can share all of her fears.
4) Try to understand the root of her negative thoughts. Kipper was frustrated because she was comparing herself to others who gained skills faster and easier than she did. I had to help her understand that comparison will always steal your happiness. Someone will always be better. Just ask Gabby! It still stings when others breeze by her, and she still questions why it's harder for her, but she has stopped saying "I'm not very good".
5) This sport breeds anxiety and negative thinking. If I had a penny for ever time I heard "what if I don't get "X" skill in time!" or "what if I NEVER get "X" skill?...I could pay her tuition easily. Gymnastics attracts perfectionist, who are then told daily that nothing they do is "good enough". As soon as they get something right, they are moving on to the next, harder thing. It's probably not going away for you any time soon.
6) Chalkbucket is your best companion for this journey, and pack lots of wine!

 

[jillc]

Kipper acts annoyed at my daily request for her RGT,

What is RGT?

 

[bookworm]

Oh God, she's level 3 and "vents" about how awful she is for the entirety of your commute to and from gym?! Sorry but I wouldn't be paying for any of that...I remember when I moved my girls to a new gym and they were witching about it in the car for a few days time until I finally said to them..." gymnastics is too labor and family intensive for this....you have 2 choices, be happy or be done"...they both adjusted their attitudes and went on to have very long, successful careers.

In a nutshell, nip this in the bud before it becomes a lifestyle...

 

[Deleted member 18037]

I'm with bookworm, look at the skills ahead, they only get harder. She needs to make peace with that.

And for me a Pinot Grigio

 

[txgymfan]

We can always count on Bookworm for the veteran perspective.

 

[bookworm]

We can always count on Bookworm for the veteran perspective.

Ha Ha! Happy to oblige...

 

[mommyof1]

Oh God, she's level 3 and "vents" about how awful she is for the entirety of your commute to and from gym?! Sorry but I wouldn't be paying for any of that..
In a nutshell, nip this in the bud before it becomes a lifestyle...

This is exactly what I am worried about. It is just level 3! She needs to learn to get over her perfectionism.

 

[mommyof1]

3) Don't mistake her venting as her way of telling you she wants to quit. She doesn't. She probably doesn't want or need you to "do" anything either. You're just a safe place she can share all of her fears.
4) Try to understand the root of her negative thoughts. Kipper was frustrated because she was comparing herself to others who gained skills faster and easier than she did. I had to help her understand that comparison will always steal your happiness. Someone will always be better. Just ask Gabby! It still stings when others breeze by her, and she still questions why it's harder for her, but she has stopped saying "I'm not very good".

She definitely does not want to quit. She spends half her life upside down and yesterday was telling me all about how she wants to learn a yurchenko. (After she fully masters the handstand flatback vault, I presume.)

I am sure the root of her negative thinking is that she is slower to pick up skills, mainly on floor and vault, and ended the season as the team's lowest performer. It is a battle to get her to stop comparing herself with everyone else.

 

[lovemygymnast]

Well, I think I would let her vent for a certain amount of time and then ask what positive things happened to try to make her end on a positive? I think talking negatively will make you feel negative. Does that make sense? I just know at work when there's been a difficult person to work with and people are all talking negatively about them or venting about them, it seems to get worse rather than better.

From my own experience, my dd refuses to discuss anything gymnastics related so I would almost welcome some venting!! Lol.

 

[JoyAvenueMom]

What is RGT?

oops typo! OGT (one good thing)

 

[Mrs. Puma]

oops typo! OGT (one good thing)

Somehow my brain translated it to "Really Good Thing" lol!!

 

[auswi]

This is exactly what I am worried about. It is just level 3! She needs to learn to get over her perfectionism.

I think being negative from the perspective of perfectionism ( and Dd is such a perfectionist) the perfectionism isn't going to magically go away as that is integral to their personality.

But what can and needs to change is attitude- so for Dd it was always name 3 positives about the session; then expressing worries for no more than 20 mins then subject change.

Now it's automatic to voice positives & mostly doesn't have any negatives.

Best of luck