Is Everyone Treated Equally in Training Groups?

[Shelovesthebars]

My daughter is treated differently in her training group. The coach is a lot harder on her than the other girls in her group and she is the youngest. If the older girls get a new skill, she makes a big deal about it and they get a reward. When my daughter gets a new skill, the coach just expects it out of her. These are skills that are above the girls in her traing group and above what the other girls are doing. She gets done with her basics faster and moves on by herself to try the new skills. She rarely gets praise or rewarded. The coach doesn't look it as a new 5 year old getting a new skill, just about PERFECTING it. My daughter has complained and asked why her praise is so limited. I don't think this is a good way for my daughter to maintain her love of the sport. Does this happen to other kids?

 

[bogwoppit]

IN a word, YES. I have seen it too. Sometimes it's because the coach knows a child is capable of certain things and therefore expects more, and pushes harder than she does a child who isn't as naturally gifted in the gym.

I have also seen it in situations where I have wondered if favouritism is the real issue.

It is a shame when they feel unequal in their group. Not sure what you can do about it though!

 

[Shelovesthebars]

She has told me that she just doesn't understand. She tries so hard to please the coach. Sometimes I think the coach just doesn't like her. She is definately not her favorite at all. That's funny that you mention favorites because our coach has them. I am o.k. with that because there is nothing I can do about it and my daughter is still learning. I just chalk it up to a fact of life.

 

[gymdog]

All the children should feel loved and praised, but making the expectations the same for every child would limit some and frustrate others. Expectations should be relative to the child's ability both physically and in terms of focus, fears, etc. For one child, showing their front support with straight arms and legs together, no belly on the bar, out of a skill may be simply just having good practice habits and not being lazy, while for another child it might be a lightbulb moment of something they've been struggling to understand in terms of body awareness. I don't think children should be praised excessively for things that are second nature to them. I'm also much more likely to praise older kids for being a good friend, for being helpful, etc, and then in the gymnastics focus on which parts were right and which ones weren't.

I sometimes see people going on and on "I'm sooooo proud of you, that was sooooo good" for something that was really just a baseline expectation of doing the task at hand. I feel in some ways this is counterproductive because it also puts a lot of pressure on children to always expect a huge reaction or to think every motion needs to make us proud or whatever. If you back off of the kids and let them "own it" they have the chance to develop independence and do things for themselves.

But of course that's within the context of a supportive environment and praise and positive motivation should always be used. But we need to establish a rapport that is not just based on praise, especially for children who are going to go on to a tougher training environment where the demands are much higher, which is likely for your daughter. She needs to learn how to have a relationship with the coach that is mutual work towards improving her physical and mental ability. But I do think at this age it is important to let them be little kids still and make sure they all feel loved, so I don't think being too tough is right. It's a balancing act. If you feel like the coach would be open to it you might want to bring a conversation around to it at the some point, I would just keep it to "I" statements and about your child. For example you could say "My daughter is learning so much and I know you are trying to prepare her for the next level. One thing I've noticed is that she responds really well to positive reinforcement because she is concerned about doing things the right way, and if she gets reinforcement then she feels more confident to move on." By approaching it this way you don't comment on her coaching, just an observation about your child.

This way the coach can prepare her without smothering her with praise, at her ability and focus level what she probably really needs is just confirmation she is working hard and doing the skills right, so she can have that confidence that she is on the right track. A nod, a thumbs up, "that's right", "you got it", "well done," etc.

 

[bogwoppit]

She has told me that she just doesn't understand. She tries so hard to please the coach. Sometimes I think the coach just doesn't like her. She is definately not her favorite at all. That's funny that you mention favorites because our coach has them. I am o.k. with that because there is nothing I can do about it and my daughter is still learning. I just chalk it up to a fact of life.

I totally understand where you are coming from, I have seen it myself. There is ALWAYS something positive a coach can say to a five year old even if it comes with a correction. "I like the way you kept your knees tight on that BHS, next time can you try to keep your arms by your ears" Not so hard and little one still thinks she got some praise.

I wouldn't be uncomfortable saying to the coach that your gymmie wonders is she can get more feedback on her work in the gym, explain that this is her learning style and see if the coach steps up a bit. I think coaching a 5 year old, no matter how talented, is not like coaching 10 year olds. They still need that support and love.

Good preschool coaches are very special people and not all coaches make good preschool coaches and I think with your gymmie being a bit ahead of the curve skill wise it puts her in a group that may not be a perfect fit. I seem to remember she is in a group of little ones with a WIDE range of skills and I can see how she could feel a little invisible. NOt that I think that is appropriate, but I can see how it happens.

 

[Shelovesthebars]

I agree with you gymdog. All my daughter really wants is the acknowlegement that she is working hard, plain and simple. The coach is a really good coach but I think she forgets that my daughter is still 5 and exceptionally vulnerable to the age versus skill ability factor. That may be anohter thread entirely though but I really appriciate the insights you gave me regarding my question.

 

[gymdog]

I agree with you gymdog. All my daughter really wants is the acknowlegement that she is working hard, plain and simple. The coach is a really good coach but I think she forgets that my daughter is still 5 and exceptionally vulnerable to the age versus skill ability factor. That may be anohter thread entirely though but I really appriciate the insights you gave me regarding my question.

I would definitely have a conversation with the coach and emphasize your daughter's attention to detail, desire to do things the correct way, and suggest that you've noticed she responds well to simple confirmation and positive reinforcement that she is doing things correctly and making progress. I agree it is too much to expect even the most advanced five year old to work independently most of the time, or adequately gauge their own progress without reinforcement.

 

[Aussie_coach]

Actually a good coach should NEVER treat all their gymnasts the same in the same group. because gymnasts are not the same, each is very individual and reacts in a very individual way to different types of treatment. Some kids need to be pushed in order to do a skill and others only do it when the pressure is off for example. You coach may be treating your daughter in accordance to the way he/she feels your daughter learns best. (of course sometimes they get this wrong).

Another fact is that every coach has favorites, this is just human nature we are all drawn to certain people and put off by others. All coaches have favorites but a mark of a good coach is that no one should know who they are. Playing favorites is very different to treating kids differently due to their different personalities. Generally the coach is unaware that they are doing it to some degree.

 

[thnkGd4kds]

We've run into this with a couple of our kids, too. For a couple months, one dd was getting frustrated in dance because she said her instructor only criticized her, yet praised others. Guess what? Dd turned out to be the only one to move up a level in ballet and to be promoted to pointe! Dd learned that the instructors expected more of her and that the criticism was them trying to help her be even better. They didn't realize how she was misinterpreting their focus on her. Fortunately, she was promoted before it got too bad for her; if she hadn't, I would've approached the instructors in the way another poster mentioned because she was starting to seriously doubt herself in dance! Same dd recently ran into this in theater, too, and, at first, she was upset, but the dance experience helped her realize that some people believe they're helping her most in this way, and the particular theater director took me aside and confirmed my suspicion that this was happening again. It still was difficult for my dd to take at the time. Who can blame them for not liking it? I, myself, a closer-to-40 yo, much prefer praise!

My dh diplomatically deals with one of gymmie dd's coaches for the same issue. In fact, his comments to this coach are very similar to the ones gymdog suggests, and they are effective! He'll just make a nice, indirect comment like the ones gymdog suggests, often a praise for a positive comment this coach made, once every few months, and everything's fine.

Sometimes, I wonder if coaches/directors/instructors forget momentarily that they are dealing with children, no matter what the talent level.

 

[Mack_the_Ripper]

I think sometimes a coach will treat a talented child much more harshly than a typical kid...there was a very talented 9-year-old in my practice group who'd only had one year of formal gymnastics training and was working tick-tock BHS series on beam, clear hip-HS, handspring fronts and tsuks into pit...the coach was downright mean to her much of the time and singled her out a lot for bad behavior or corrections. Corrections are fine, of course, but this coach somehow made it personal with this girl. She cried a lot...of course it was further complicated because the coach and gymnast were also mother/daughter! Thankfully the girl has moved on to a more advanced practice group now...