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[Deleted member 10727]

My boys are on a team with one other boy in their level, although with the new season there will probably be more kids in the same level. My boys really like this other boy, and they call him their best friend. We've hung out with him and his mother outside of gym time. The boys have become quite close. However, I've come to terms that the mom is... I'm not sure how to put this lightly. She is not someone I can be friends with and she has said some things out of the blue that were misconstrued by her and twisted. For a simple example, my children help sell produce from our farm, and I asked her if she wanted to buy any explaining that we only grow organic produce and that it's the family business, etc. She told me I was being pushy and she didn't appreciate it, and some other negative comments. I was astonished. We are starting a CSA with our farm and we discuss this kind of stuff with other families without this kind of reaction. Her dramatic response isn't the first time this has happened, and there has been other strange stuff that has occurred with her and her family.

I feel it would be a toxic situation to try and be friends, or even friendly, with her. I'm not sure how to limit contact since my kids enjoy her son's company so much, and because we're constantly thrown together in gym and in the community (small town, same schooling situation). I want to be as far away as possible from her. I grew up with a toxic parent and this is very triggering for me. How do you all handle other gym families being around you and your kids when it is, shall I say, a very poor match?

 

[ProudGymMommy]

My daughter had a friend whose Mom was like this a couple of years ago. They weren't in gymnastics together, but they were in the same school class for 2 years along with other activities. The Mom was an extremely negative and two faced person, along with being a bully. She would talk to me about how other parents were raising their kids wrong, then talk to the other parents about how I was raising my daughter wrong. At the time, my daughter was between the ages of 5-7, so I didn't feel it was right to tell her to stop being friends with the kid. At the time, the kid seemed sweet, nothing like her Mom and my daughter called her, her "best friend". So I kept the conversation with the Mom to a minimum. A simple "Hey, how are you doing?" or kept the conversations strictly focused on school assignments/activities. Eventually, the friendship came to an end because the Mom was able to rub her attitude off onto the child. Now this child somewhat "bullies" mine, just like her Mom did to me. I hope this doesn't happen with your boys. I do think it is possible for all of the boys to remain friends and do things together without you being friends with the other Mom, as along as you trust her in the event that your boys would be with her for a play date or sleepover, etc. (If you don't trust her, then that's a whole different story)Just keep the convo to a minimum and only talk about the things you have to talk to her about. Hope this helps. Good luck!

 

[gasrgoose]

My boys are on a team with one other boy in their level, although with the new season there will probably be more kids in the same level. My boys really like this other boy, and they call him their best friend. We've hung out with him and his mother outside of gym time. The boys have become quite close. However, I've come to terms that the mom is... I'm not sure how to put this lightly. She is not someone I can be friends with and she has said some things out of the blue that were misconstrued by her and twisted. For a simple example, my children help sell produce from our farm, and I asked her if she wanted to buy any explaining that we only grow organic produce and that it's the family business, etc. She told me I was being pushy and she didn't appreciate it, and some other negative comments. I was astonished. We are starting a CSA with our farm and we discuss this kind of stuff with other families without this kind of reaction. Her dramatic response isn't the first time this has happened, and there has been other strange stuff that has occurred with her and her family.

I feel it would be a toxic situation to try and be friends, or even friendly, with her. I'm not sure how to limit contact since my kids enjoy her son's company so much, and because we're constantly thrown together in gym and in the community (small town, same schooling situation). I want to be as far away as possible from her. I grew up with a toxic parent and this is very triggering for me. How do you all handle other gym families being around you and your kids when it is, shall I say, a very poor match?

Perhaps she had already heard that you and your kids sell produce and just doesn't want to be "sold" while she's watching her kid compete or practice. I personally don't like to be "sold" anything at the gym, ball field, etc. I try not to react in a negative way but if I've already heard that Suzie is selling wrapping paper, fruit, magazines, lemonade, popcorn, etc I probably would have bought some if I needed any.Maybe you were/are pushy??

You never know another persons situation and what might be bothering them. And I would start by trying to find out her story to understand where she is coming from an what might be bothering her. People don't like or try to be unhappy.

But if you already had negative experiences with this person it probably wasn't the best choice to try to sell them tomatoes.

 

[my4buffaloes]

Really I think you can only try to stay away from them. Don't stay to watch practice if she is there, talk to other people besides her, walk around at meets or sit with by yourself - generally do everything you can to avoid them. Yes your sons are friends, but as the parent you can limit the contact without saying anything to her or your sons. that is too bad, but if she isn't someone you want to be around then make every effort to not be around her. Yes I know you can't avoid all interaction with someone you see on a daily basis, but limit it and hopefully she will get the hint that you don't really want to be friends.

 

[iwannacoach]

There's two things to ponder that can be summed up with a two simple contradictory adages.......

Those who ignore history are destined to repeat it.........

Don't let your past define your future........

I'll leave it to you to figure out which one resonates best for you.

 

[soccergymmom]

She sounds kind of rude. Maybe just try to be polite around her but don't talk about your personal life very much. Stick to safe topics.

 

[dani4]

I grew up with a negative, toxic mom too, and it makes me sensitive to other people who are like this as well. But I also realize that some people may have kept their kids from being friends with me when I was little, because they didn't want to deal with my mom. So I think the approach I would take is to not discourage the friendship if the boy seems to get along well with your kids, but avoid the mom. Just because the kids are friends doesn't mean you need to be.

If this woman is really a negative person, there is no point in trying to engage her- you aren't going to fix her, and it will probably just lead to more frustration for you. I am generally open minded about people, but I can usually sniff out the people who are chronically negative (because of my experience growing up with my mother).

 

[M&G'sMom]

I'm not saying this woman isn't possibly toxic, but I have to agree with the PP that trying to sell things to a captive audience (like parents in a waiting room) is kind of uncool. I make and sell diaper creams, so I know how hard it is to start a business and that you have to work all the time at it, but I also know that I hate it when someone I am friends or family with uses that "captivity" (of me not really having a choice to be around them) to sell me something. I find it very hard to say no to people, especially when I like them, and it sometimes makes me angry that they value my friendship so little that they would try to make a profit off me. When my friends' kids have diaper rashes, I just give them some cream, I don't sell it to them. But they *do* tell their friends about it, and I get 10 times more sales from that.

My point is that while this woman may, indeed, be bad news, you might want to be careful that you're not creating similar situations with your other friends and the other parents at the gym, regardless of how nice and polite they have been about your sales pitches. Don't force friends to make the decision between buying something they don't want or hurting your feelings. They might come to resent it and react the same way this woman did, or worse-----they could tell the gym you're soliciting the parents, and they may kick you out for it. That would be a tragedy.

As for her, though, if she can be honest, why can't you? Treat her the way she's taught you to treat her: with brutal honesty. She probably responds better to someone being upfront with her than to someone she senses is trying to "play nice" like most of us do. Tell her you think she's been inappropriate and a bit nasty, and that YOU don't appreciate it, either. Perhaps she'll say "man, you're right, I was having a bad day, and I was out of line, I apologize." I have found myself saying that in apology more than once.

 

[Deleted member 10727]

We were talking about this during gymnastics or even in person. It was via text message. It's fine if someone wants to let me know they aren't interested, but this was ridiculously rude as a response. Also, this is only a small sampling of her reactions. I've witnessed her going off on the owner of a business before, way overboard. She also over shares things that make me totally uncomfortable and she does this while at meets. She has no real interest in my family while at the same time trying to hold me captive with information about herself. There's more, but that's all for this forum.

My concern is for her son and my boys' friendships. I think the best course for me will be to avoid her as much as possible while being polite.

 

[Deleted member 10727]

Sorry, *weren't* talking during gym.

 

[Deleted member 10727]

I was clear to her that I felt her reaction and response was way out of bounds. She responded with few weird sentences that did nothing and said nothing. Again, this isn't the first tine she has twisted things I've said out of perspective. She is definitely toxic with no doubt in my mind.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

why does life have to be so difficult sometimes...wish i knew.

 

[onebusymama]

I know what you're dealing with b/c I have one of those rude, negative, neighbours that twists things around and is kind of a bully. Her kids play outside sometimes with mine which I don't like b/c her kids aren't well behaved AT ALL. So we try and keep our distance as much as possible, but we unfortunately can't cut all ties b/c we are neighbours.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

you mean neighBOORS...

 

[gymmomtoo]

I would be polite but distant. If you go to watch practice and she's there, sit somewhere else. Make arrangements for the boys to play or hang out together, but don't suggest the two of you have coffee or anything while they do so. My kids have lots of friends whose parents I barely know

 

[JoyAvenueMom]

I totally appreciate your desire to distance yourself and your sons from "toxic" situations. We are all under lots of stress every day and it is best to control the stressors we can, and interaction with this woman is definately stressful for you! When I have experienced similar situations, I just try to limit my availability by being "busy". I keep my kids busy with family activities and church activities, so it's never unusual when they are unavailable for a sleepover somewhere I don't want them to stay.

That said, I try to always choose my behavior toward someone based on who I am, not based on who that are or how they act. I figured out not that long ago that the vast majority of people (I haven't found the exception yet) do not wake up every day with a desire to hurt and alienate others. I try to imagine the pain that created the types of behaviors you see...then it's easier to be compassionate and choose how to respond. You might not be able to change her, but your extra efforts at kindness might be rewarded in other ways.

When I was about seven, my best friend's mother worked for my mother. My friend told me one day that my mom had fired her mom and accused her of stealing. My friends mom told her she wasn't allowed to play with me any more. I remember that moment, and how much it hurt, to this day. My mother tried to take the high road and never say anything negative about my friend's mom. Regardless of what really happened, I was always glad my mother chose to stay positive and not burden me with "grown up" problems. She recognized my relationship with my friend (even at 7 years old) was independent of the adults' relationship. So, I think your choice to let the boys remain close is a good one. You just have to set limits on how much you can be around her without it getting to you!

 

[flgymmom]

I enjoy all the other families our our team.... except one. This one girl and her mother are both very competitive with is great except for the fact that she is.... to be totally honest, she is a brat.

There has been 2 different times that I can remember at meets last fall that I remember this little girl telling other girls on the team, "my score was better than yours"... well IMO, she needs to keep quiet. They are there together as a team and she needs to support them and silently gloat.

We have minimum contact with them... we are friendly with them at the gym and at meets but that is all and that is what I would suggest for you.

 

[Deleted member 10727]

Thank you all. Such good advice. I'm thankful that she tends to be a dump her kid and run type of gym mom, so I don't have to hang out with her much at gym, most of the time.