Parents Still not 'fitting in' ?

[Committed]

Background:
DD has been in her new group for 2 months now. She went from regular pre team to the TOPS level 4 group. They're all 6-8yo, and pretty talented. Over half the group is either repeating L4, or was in the same group, doing the same skills, but L3. So, they've all trained together the past 1.5 years.
A few came from the TOPS pre team. 1 girl came from the regular L3 group. These girls joined the group back in December, so they've been there almost 6 months.

DD has been coming home sad that the girls are still being mean to her. They tell her that she's doing everything wrong, she can't do X skill but they can, and that she's not as good as they are. It's gotten so bad that she sometimes eats her snack by herself. Today, the "regular L3" girl sat with her in another room. DD said they sometimes sit over there when they other girls are being mean.

As a team, one of the mom's has started putting together 'play date' type activities once a month, so the girls can connect on a level other than gym.

Is it worth mentioning to the coaches? Or should I 'let it go' for awhile and hope these get togethers help? DD is very sensitive and loving and caring. She sweet and smart and such a hard-worker. It just makes me sad that she feels the need to eat by herself.

What do you think?

 

[GYM0M]

It really stinks that girls are sooooo catty all the time! TOPS is a difficult program without all the cattiness! My inner lion wants to advise you to tell your daughter to tell those girls to back off because they are just jealous that she's developing some skills in 6 months that they have been practicing for over a year BUT that wouldn't help and would probably cause a bigger rift between them. Most likely, the problem is that these girls have been together much longer and in their 6-8 year old minds, they feel as though she is invading their territory. I don't know how to correct the problem as the same thing happened in DD TOPS group; I don't think the girls were ever mean to her, but I don't think they were very welcoming either. The little girl actually quit gymnastics all together because the other girls were farther ahead skill wise and the pressure (along with not building the friendships) soon got to her. Best you can do: tell her that their opinions are just that, it'll be ok, & she should focus on her gymnastics. That's really all she can do! UNLESS, you are blessed with one of those amazingly outgoing children that could say in her best sarcastic tone the next time a comment is made on a skill, "yeah, and yours are soooooo perfect! Got any pointers? (Cue eye roll)"! Lol!

 

[OzZee]

I would speak to her coach so she/he can keep an eye on the situation and give some team talks on behaviour. We let a similar situation slide and after about 18 months it ended with dd asking to quit.
I didn't know what was really going on until then as she didn't talk about it. And I felt terrible that she wanted to quit something she is so passionate about because of a bunch of mean girls and that I'd never know how bad it got.
We and her coaches have worked through a lot of the issues and she is back to loving gym again.

 

[munchkin3]

We have a similar situation, a few girls were moved up to the optional group. The ages in this group are 9-16. The old group was the L3/4 group and these girls were like a big happy family.....
Luckily my DD 9, seems to be doing fine, but she had already made friends with the older girls because of an older sibling, so besides the occasional 'so and so is so mean, and told me to get off HER beam' she is fine. I told her to smile and be nice to the 12/13 especially because they can be relentless and I don't want her to become anyone's target.
There is another girl who flat out hates the new group. She is falling behind on skills so when she come, she feels even worse. She is very self conscious about her flaws, and cries every practice about something....(quietly). She is very talented, but is having a hard time.
What I tell my daughter is focus on YOUR gymnastics. Talk to YOUR group of girls (who are 9-10) and if anyone of the older girls are mean to you, try and make space. If you must work closely with one of the mean girls, just work and be nice......in a year or so they will all be older. As long as there are 2 who can stick together, that's ok for now.
BTW the coach is probably very aware anyway....this is nothing new.

 

[Fliptwisttumble]

There are times when a girl won't fit in to the group (my DD is like the little sister everyone loves, but she's excluded from birthday parties, movie dates, etc. due to the age difference)..... But that shouldn't mean your daughter has to deal with meanness.

I'd speak to the coach. It's already been a couple of months. They should be aware.

 

[cbifoja]

I wouldn't try to force it. I think you should take your "give it time" approach.

Mine got moved mid-year to another level. She rarely "breaks" with her teammates. One of the girls is VERY loud and DD doesn't like continuous loud noises. She says that all they do is talk about boys, read each other's texts about boys, and look at pics of boys. She says it is boring for her.

She used to have a friend her age in the next level down who would come out and sit with her but that girl quit so now it's just DD and the "teens". So she sits in the lobby or goes to the office to eat her snack. If I'm available, I'll sit with her but if not, then she eats a lone. It is kind of sad.

The coaches know and the girls aren't doing anything wrong. So they will pull DD into their laps or sit with her. I think it will fix itself in time. This week, one of the teens came and picked her up and carried her into the break room and told her they wanted her to be there with them. It's just an adjustment.

 

[IreneKa]

If they are just not eating snacks with her, or not inviting her to the playdates, it's one thing. But if they are saying mean things to her, like saying that she is doing everything wrong, that needs to be brought up to the coach's attention.

We had an incident recently in the gym. There is a girl who practices with DD's L 2\3 group, who is technically L2, but she only goes once a week, while all L3 girls go 3-4 times a week. Of course this girl doesn't progress as fast as the others. So, one time some girls were talking about her, how bad she is, can't do certain skills, etc. The girl heard, got upset and told the coach. I've never seen DD's coach so mad (she is usually pretty nice). She made them work so hard, DD came out exhausted! Instead of skills, they were doing just conditioning for 2 hours - push-up, leg lifts, rope climbing, etc. Then at the end they had a long talk about how they are the team, and have to support each other, etc. I don't think anyone will even think of saying something mean to anyone else after that workout. I know DD won't, even so she says she didn't say anything in the first place. I told her that even if she didn't say anything, she heard other girls talking, so she should have told them to stop. Behavior like this should not be allowed in the gym.

 

[my4buffaloes]

My dd faced this at our old gym. I told her that she was there for the gymnastics and just to focus on the gymnastics. It went on the whole time she was there, but the last year did get a little better as the group got smaller. She ended up really being frustrated with the other girls because they goofed off so much and she never ended up being great friends with any of them. As nice as it is for them to get along, they are there for the gymnastics.

 

[GymGirl's Mom]

Dd's team is not all buddy-buddy. Sometimes it's just the makeup of the group. I would encourage her to try to find one child she likes and encourage her to try to spark up a bit of a friendship with her. I would NOT get involved unless she is being physically or emotionally hurt by the other kids. Sometimes kids just have to work things out on their own. Sometimes what you learn is that your teammates are not your close friends and your schoolmates or neighborhood friends are instead. That is ok.

 

[LizzieLac]

I think you have to analyze what is happening a little more to decide if a response from mom is needed. I will tell you my DD (just turned 14) gets "corrected" on form by the little kids all the time!!! She finds it annoying and mentions it to me, but otherwise let's go.

What I don't think anyone should tolerate is truely mean behavior and exclusion. They are a team and they need to learn how to support one another even one someone is bound to better, someone is bound to have a bad day, and someone is bound to surpass someone else.

Our coaches try to have group activities throughout the year (Xmas party, halloween party, banquet) as well as "games" with conditioning - so the girls are put together in small teams. They pair up for regular conditioning, they are asked to pick the conditioning assignment together as a training group (there might be 3-4 options to choose from). All of this gets them feeling like a team and that they are in it together.

I have found that the cattiness is at its worst with the younger girls. The "older" girls (11 and up) really understand the forming of bonds and supporting each other. I want to say they will move past this/outgrow it, but if your DD is really suffering then a talk with the coach is a good idea.

 

[munchkin3]

How old is your DD?

 

[Committed]

I think you have to analyze what is happening a little more to decide if a response from mom is needed. I will tell you my DD (just turned 14) gets "corrected" on form by the little kids all the time!!! She finds it annoying and mentions it to me, but otherwise let's go.

What I don't think anyone should tolerate is truely mean behavior and exclusion. They are a team and they need to learn how to support one another even one someone is bound to better, someone is bound to have a bad day, and someone is bound to surpass someone else.

Our coaches try to have group activities throughout the year (Xmas party, halloween party, banquet) as well as "games" with conditioning - so the girls are put together in small teams. They pair up for regular conditioning, they are asked to pick the conditioning assignment together as a training group (there might be 3-4 options to choose from). All of this gets them feeling like a team and that they are in it together.

I have found that the cattiness is at its worst with the younger girls. The "older" girls (11 and up) really understand the forming of bonds and supporting each other. I want to say they will move past this/outgrow it, but if your DD is really suffering then a talk with the coach is a good idea.

 

[Committed]

She has been told not to sit with them at break, by one of the girls.

They also tell her to get off the equipment because she's doing it wrong and wasting their time. I see the other girls skip DDs turn or take an extra long time on rotations so that she doesn't even get a turn.

It's a 10:1 ratio for coaching, so the coach is pretty busy.
Munchkin- DD just turned 7 last month.

 

[gymdog]

She has been told not to sit with them at break, by one of the girls.

They also tell her to get off the equipment because she's doing it wrong and wasting their time. I see the other girls skip DDs turn or take an extra long time on rotations so that she doesn't even get a turn.

It's a 10:1 ratio for coaching, so the coach is pretty busy.
Munchkin- DD just turned 7 last month.

Well, you should definitely mention that to the coaches. Those kids need to be told they don't decide who sits where.

Also, invite the other little girl over so they can build their friendship more one on one.

 

[sce]

I would speak to her coach so she/he can keep an eye on the situation and give some team talks on behaviour.

I agree with this. It's one thing for them to not want to be close friends. But the mean comments, line skipping etc, are out-of-line. They are teammates and need to act like it.

 

[raenndrops]

We just had a team meeting last night about respecting our teammates. HC has a "day job" too (online teacher who also proctors state testing). Because of this, she hasn't been to the start of practice much in the last 2 weeks. Most of the coaches who are there are teenagers. 2 days a week, there is an adult coach, but she has to monitor team, talk to parents, and other things at the beginning. I tend to be a little late too... and MONITOR to report to HC. One of the other adult coaches who hadn't been there in a couple weeks was back last night (got there 45 minutes late, so stretching was over) and she was apprised of the situation.
The girls stretch as a team (all 30-40 of them) with "leaders" that change from day to day. Some of these leaders like to yell at certain people. Last night's leaders were three 10 year olds. You could tell they were picking on certain people (YG being one of them- but I taught her well and she didn't care). Doing bridges, they said that time wouldn't start until EVERYONE was in their bridge... then they would go around and tap the bellies of the girls to tell them they could come down... so that meant THEY weren't in their bridges very long... and the girls they were picking on were the last ones tapped to come down. Similar situation with splits... time doesn't start until every one is in splits - even though 2 of the 3 leaders don't have their bad leg splits all the way down and had a bent front knee or back knee on the ground, they yelled at others who looked like that. They also got out of their splits to go "correct" certain girls.
I can't wait to see how it goes on Monday... if it doesn't go well, Tuesday will be SILENT Stretching led by the coaches - which the girls HATE!

 

[tooootsie]

Play date, talk with the moms, talk with the coach. my oldest DD had this problem when we switched to a new gym.. It actually took till her lil sis was moved into her pre-team for the crap to stop. I understand. My kiddo came home in tears all the time.. now they are all Besties LOL

 

[munchkin3]

I might ask the coach to just be a bit more vigilant.
Keep DD in her cohort of girls the same age. 7-10 YO are still playing with dolls and ponies and don't understand 'teen' talk. (or cattiness)
If it does not resolve, then coach may need to remind the team that everyone is there for the same reason.

DD 9, was talking to her friend who got 'offended' because one of the 13 yo made a comment about her landing on her butt with some skill. She said something like ' I cant believe you landed on your butt!. My DD told her friend, oh don't worry, she is just a teenager and does not know how she sounds.

If malicious and purposeful, then coach needs to re-direct.

 

[Seeker]

She has been told not to sit with them at break, by one of the girls.

They also tell her to get off the equipment because she's doing it wrong and wasting their time. I see the other girls skip DDs turn or take an extra long time on rotations so that she doesn't even get a turn.

It's a 10:1 ratio for coaching, so the coach is pretty busy.
Munchkin- DD just turned 7 last month.

I tend to disagree with most in that I do think you need to talk with the coach. There is a huge difference between just not being BFF's with these girls and outright meanness. Based on your descriptions, that line has clearly been crossed. The coach may or may not be aware of these things, but even if they are they may not think it is bothering anyone. But it is. And mean girls will almost always continue to be mean if they think they can and their behavior is unchecked. Just my 2 cents.

 

[sce]

It's sad too, that these girls feel so threatened by your dd. Their focus is misplaced, as it should be on working hard themselves, not on the new kid to the group.

My dd dealt with something nowhere near as extreme. But some kids on pre-team were pretty awful to her. I stepped in when it effected her training. One girl was the ringleader and she was mean and unsafe around my daughter. I spoke with the coaches. Her coaches were awesome about it. Eventually, the other girl quit gymnastics. Her behavior stemmed from not really enjoying teh sport. My dd is pretty independent, for her to complain to me and agree for me to talk to the coaches, I know ti was bad. Her coaches were awesome about it.

As well, my ds had a teammate teasing him about somethings ds was struggling with at the gym. His coach was very clear that he should always tell him about stuff like that. That teammates should not act that way and he would deal with it.