WAG When you see your gymnast is not alright

[gymisforeveryone]

I would like to have some advice from parents and coaches on how to address an issue that I'm having with one one of my gymnasts. I don't want to publicly tell too much about her so feel free to PM me if you want to help. She's been very upset at practice lately, cried every now and then and I can see that she has something in her mind that is bothering her, but she doesn't want to tell me or her other coach. Today she finally said something that got me more worried. She's almost an adult so I haven't talked to her parents. There are more reasons to this but I don't want to tell those publicly (I'm a little paranoid that someone will identify me if I tell too much)

So if you think you could help please PM so I'll tell more details. I would appreciate any insight.

 

[Faith]

Is it a safeguarding issue? Child protection?

If you know or suspect something along those lines here the protocol is to write everything down, and report to the club welfare officer. It is not a coaches job to evaluate or make decisions, but to refer to specially trained people.

 

[gymisforeveryone]

I forgot to add that the problem is that she's not telling what's wrong. Today I spent good amount of time sitting next to her when she was fighting tears, trying to ask many different ways if there's anything she wants to talk about. She says no but at the same time her body language tells me that there is, but she don't have the courage to speak up. I don't know how to make her talk or if that even is necessary? I tried to ask if she has any other people she can talk to and she said yes to that.

 

[gymisforeveryone]

Is it a safeguarding issue? Child protection?

If you know or suspect something along those lines here the protocol is to write everything down, and report to the club welfare officer. It is not a coaches job to evaluate or make decisions, but to refer to specially trained people.

No I don't think so. If that was the case I would of course address her parents or someone in the club.

 

[Texasmomof3]

Having been a teenaged girl, i can tell you that sometimes things that seem trivial to adults — like a boyfriend breakup, or a fight with your best friend, or dealing with mean girls at school, can literally feel so heavy and burdensome that you cannot breath. Growing up is hard, whether it is something “big” like pregnancy, divorce, parents fighting, drugs, or something “small” like your crush not liking you or feeling fat or ugly or being laughed at at school.

Being there is good. Letting her know she is valued and supported is huge. Maybe she doesnt even know why she is feeling the way she feels. Can you have some office time with her not on the practice floor and ask her directly what is going on?

 

[gymisforeveryone]

Yes, I think there is something like that going on. She kind of told me yesterday that she hasn't eaten properly in many days because she feels like she can't. I don't feel like it's safe to come to 3 hour long practice if you cannot eat. I almost forced her to eat some of my snacks that I had left and then she was off to stretch. We asked her to finish early on Monday too. I feel it's good that she comes to practice but she's so overwhelmed and teary that it's not safe to do the skills she's training now (higher level optionals). When I asked if her condition has anything to do with gym she said no. I told her that the most important thing for us is that she's ok.

 

[profmom]

Keep the lines of communication open. I've seen this occasionally in my line of work. She may be testing you to see if you are a safe person to whom she can open up. If you remain consistent and keep reiterating that you care about her welfare and want to help her, she may let you know what's going on or at least find some respite from it in gym. I'd press her to eat though.

 

[gymisforeveryone]

It might be just as you say, she could be testing me (and her other coach). I've only coached her for a little while so she might not trust me yet. I'll keep asking, at least about her eating. Yesterday she said she felt dizzy on beam, that's when she started crying. Her team mates are very close to her and they comfort and cheer her up when she's down. She's a tough girl who's childhood and these teenage years have not been easy. Basically her parents have not been involved in her gymnastics in years and she's grown up fast. She could be described as a difficult gymnast to coach because she is so stubborn. Her normal way to react to stress, failure or any negative feedback is to shut down, critisize everything or even leave the event or entire practice. She doesn't really show her feelings or talk about them. And on top of that she's super hard on herself.

 

[profmom]

It might be just as you say, she could be testing me (and her other coach). I've only coached her for a little while so she might not trust me yet. I'll keep asking, at least about her eating. Yesterday she said she felt dizzy on beam, that's when she started crying. Her team mates are very close to her and they comfort and cheer her up when she's down. She's a tough girl who's childhood and these teenage years have not been easy. Basically her parents have not been involved in her gymnastics in years and she's grown up fast. She could be described as a difficult gymnast to coach because she is so stubborn. Her normal way to react to stress, failure or any negative feedback is to shut down, critisize everything or even leave the event or entire practice. She doesn't really show her feelings or talk about them. And on top of that she's super hard on herself.

Then she is lucky to have a caring person like you as her coach! Stick with her. It's so important for teenagers and young adults to have places in their lives where they feel protected and cared for. Even if it seems like your expressions of concern are falling on deaf ears, I guarantee you that they are not.

 

[duyetanh]

Then she is lucky to have a caring person like you as her coach! Stick with her. It's so important for teenagers and young adults to have places in their lives where they feel protected and cared for. Even if it seems like your expressions of concern are falling on deaf ears, I guarantee you that they are not.

THIS

 

[gymisforeveryone]

I'll definitely stick with her. She gives me grey hairs in the daily basis but that doesn't change the fact that I truly care about her (and all of my gymnasts). This must be how parents feel when their teens are being arrogant, not listening and messing around. They are still your kids and you care about them.

I hope that she keeps doing this sport, but that if she decides to quit she'll do it when her life is in balance. Right now it doesn't look too good.

There are things that I know about her family and her relationship with her parents (other coaches have told me) that make me sad. Her background is a little unusual and outwards everything looks almost enviable. But the reality is that there must be many hard issues that she's dealing with. And I'm not talking about abuse or anything like that. I can't tell more publicly so this is a little hard to explain. Because of these reasons I think that if her current symptoms are caused by her family situation then she won't be talking about it to me.

I've also been thinking about what kind of questions to ask, if I'll get an opportunity to talk with her in the next few days and if she doesn't seem to get better with time. What kind of questions do you ask when you know that something is bothering your teen and you know that he/she probably would speak if he/she was asked the right questions? I don't feel like the questions that I've used are the best out there. I've asked if there is anything she wants to talk about with me, if she's ok, is there something on her mind that's causing her not want to eat etc... And then I specifically asked if it's something that's going on in the gym. This was everything that came to my mind.

I've been thinking if I could ask her team mates, because I think they might know what's going on. But that might not be a good idea after all.

 

[MuggleMom]

It might be helpful to say something to the effect of...Sometimes people share their problems because they need help solving them, and sometimes people share because they are a burden that is weighing them down and they just need to set that burden down for a minute. If you need someone to just talk to, not to try and fix anything, I am here to listen....She may not want to share because she is afraid you will want to try and get involved but sometimes its helpful to just say something out loud to another person--share the weight of it. Or even ask her if there is anything you can do to help support her...you don't have to tell me whats going on but if there is something i can do to help--you want someone to cry with, you want a good joke, you need some to tell you something good you did today?

 

[Faith]

If you suspect an eating disorder or ahe is using food or lack of it to manipulate and get attention, be very, very careful. You could be inadvertantly fuelling it with attention.

Can you suggest she sees someone like a family dr or a sports psychologist - is it a physical reason or emotional reason she “can’t eat”?

 

[rosiekat]

I wonder if she's being guilt tripped - your gymnastics costs so much that we can't afford food - or if there's a situation where they legitimately can't afford enough food. In the absence of any additional information (for you), I guess I would just keep being there for her. And of course, if you have any inkling of an unsafe or unfit home situation for her, follow that up accordingly.

 

[gymisforeveryone]

If you suspect an eating disorder or ahe is using food or lack of it to manipulate and get attention, be very, very careful. You could be inadvertantly fuelling it with attention.

Can you suggest she sees someone like a family dr or a sports psychologist - is it a physical reason or emotional reason she “can’t eat”?

I'm pretty sure that it is an emotional reason. She said she doesn't feel like eating. According to her own words she has felt that way since last weekend.

I wonder if she's being guilt tripped - your gymnastics costs so much that we can't afford food - or if there's a situation where they legitimately can't afford enough food. In the absence of any additional information (for you), I guess I would just keep being there for her. And of course, if you have any inkling of an unsafe or unfit home situation for her, follow that up accordingly.

Fortunately that's not the case, they are not poor - actually the other way around. Her parents pay the bills even if they are not involved in any other way.

 

[strawberries]

I’m so glad you are there for her. I agree with many that just knowing someone is on her side can be the most important thing. She is lucky to have you for a coach. All your girls are.

 

[gymisforeveryone]

She's not been at practice since Tuesday. Today I heard from her other coach that she has not texted her about her absences like she usually does (the other coach is the main coach). The other coach texted her today at the beginning of the practice but she hasn't answered. If she doesn't answer or doesn't show up on Sunday I think we'll call her her or her mother.

It's not unusual for her to miss practices, but most of the time she will at least text that she's not coming. She's been at school.

 

[ayyyrial]

It can be hard to formulate the words to talk about something when you're very upset or feeling overwhelmed, like when she started crying at practice recently. So she may have an easier time telling you more about what's going on if you plan a time to talk about it in a relaxed setting. She might also be more comfortable over the phone or over text, depending on how she likes to communicate. Just my thoughts about what would have made me comfortable when I was in psychological distress as a gymnast.

 

[gymisforeveryone]

Today she came to practice and was perfectly normal. When I got a chance to talk to her alone I asked her how she felt today and she just said that she was a little bit sore after the warm up and conditioning but otherwise ok. I askef if she is eating normally now and she said yes. Oh well, now I feel like I was overreacting But I'm happy she's fine now.

 

[txgymfan]

Thanks for the update! I'm glad she's ok. You were not over reacting, you were concerned and this is a safe place to discuss it.