Parents Anyone else not allowed to watch?

[cbifoja]

I know someone said to me why don't you just go shopping? Well truth be told I am somewhat compulsive and to just go shopping 5 days a week .....we would not have the problem as DD would not be able to do gymnastics.

LOL!!!! Right???? I ended up working at the gym because of all of the work I was doing at the gym for free. The owner approached me with a job offer (office, not coaching) and said she might as well be paying me for all the work I was doing! So I at least get paid two nights a weeks now.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

It is a nauseating feeling when you think about all that you could be getting done at home.......

or how about just nothing at all!

and i know where coachp is coming from. he is being facetious. he IS NOT being condescending. what he has characterized is REALITY for club owners and coaches. you just can't see it cause your not like those he is describing.

and happychaos you have NO idea what we do in our program to combat abuse. you have NO idea what the clubs in this country are doing to combat said same. the presumption on your part is what is frustrating. and can't you read? these issues are biblical. no matter what we do, some kids will never tell. AND the very site that you posted states that there has been a precipitous drop in sexual abuse. now, is that because more are not speaking? or is it less because THEY ARE SPEAKING OUT AND TELLING SOMEONE and because they are doing so the act of telling has FINALLY become okay to do and IS a deterrent. i believe the latter.

Prevent Child Sexual Abuse > Is Child Sexual Abuse Getting Worse?
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Is Child Sexual Abuse Getting Worse?
FACT: Identified incidents of child sexual abuse are declining, although there is no clear indication of a cause.

• The number of identified incidents of child sexual abuse decreased 47% from 1993 to 2005-2006 (Sedlack, et. al., 2010).

 

[Deleted member D3987]

Just for another perspective and hopefully to help people understand that there are legitimate reasons to stay......

My daughter has had a medical condition since birth. Her bowels become impacted and then spasm. The result is that she literally soils herself with a feces the consistency of modeling clay. She has been under a doctor's care for this since she was an infant. This means that a couple of times a month, she soils her leotard and because of the consistency, cannot clean herself up without help.

Would you, as a coach, like the job of wiping sticky crap off of one of your gymnast? Would you be willing to leave the coaching floor, take my little girl to the bathroom, and wipe crap out of her crack? Would you like to always keep a stash of leos in your possession? Would you like to have her in your rotation, smelling of poop or spotting her with poop smeared down her thigh because she can't get it all cleaned up by herself?

Or would it be better for my talented child to leave gymnastics all together because of this? Is it better that she be humiliated in front of her peers and teased unmercifully because of this condition? These alternatives are preferable to me sitting in a lobby, not interfering so she can train freely unless she needs me to wipe crap off of her body and to get her a fresh leo? Really? My being there is the greater evil?????

I don't have to be at school because there is a nurse who is aware of this issue. We have the medical documentation required to have her taken care of at school. But I'm at the stable and used to be at the soccer pitch for the same reason. One day, she will be able to clean herself up adequately and then I get some of my life back. But please don't think that I am "babying" her or trying to keep her a little girl. Believe me, I've cleaned a lifetime of feces up at this point.

clearly, this does not fall in to where my thoughts are on observation at all. i don't want to speak for coachp, but i don't think this is what he's talking about either. as a human being, i completely understand your point and dilemma. you not being at the gym would be a greater evil.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

Good golly, Dunno. I simply cannot post on this thread anymore. You need to STOP saying "in gymnastics, we know that they do come forward". Please, please stop saying it!!! Don't you understand the reasons why you need to stop with this?!?!?! You are a coach, a gym owner, and someone who is entrusted with the care of children!!!!

Dunno, the attitudes and beliefs you have about this subject are the EXACT reason that many children DON'T tell. And this is the reason that the problem will continue. Children and families will not "tell" someone who has a know-it-all, dismissive attitude.

Please also know that as long as there are people like you who assume "there is nothing we can do about those that don't (tell) and for whatever reason." nothing will change. THERE ARE THINGS THAT YOU CAN DO TO ENCOURAGE CHILDREN TO TELL!!!!!

There are several online training courses that you can take if you would like to be further educated on these issues. My DD's school is requiring that every parent that volunteers at the school (which is pretty much every.single.parent.) complete online or in-person training. I suspect that this will be come more common in the coming years. Gym owners who are concerned about these issues could consider offering/requiring this type of training for your coaches.

I simply cannot spend anymore time on this.

and i'm gonna say it again...in gymnastics, we KNOW they are coming forward and they DO tell someone. are you blind? how do you think the names end up on the banned list? you think the coaches come forward on their own? good golly, happy...

 

[cbifoja]

clearly, this does not fall in to where my thoughts are on observation at all. i don't want to speak for coachp, but i don't think this is what he's talking about either. as a human being, i completely understand your point and dilemma. you not being at the gym would be a greater evil.

Exactly. That was the point of my outing my DD's health issue....to prove the point that there ARE legitimate reasons that some parents stay. I also consider the gas/commute issue equally valid as a reason to stay.

 

[LIGYMMOM]

Wow, so much stuff. I totally get the "I stay at my child's practice because I live REALLY far away". (Though I think LilHAwkmom has some amazingly creative alternatives how to spend your time) And I also totally get the "I stay at my child's practice because I love watching her do gymnastics." Because gymnastics IS awesome and your child IS awesome. (Though I think all parents should rethink whether the enjoyment you receive from watching is worth it if it is distracting or diminishing to your child's training)

But I just don't get, and don't think I ever will, the "I stay at my child's practice to prevent them from being a victim of abuse". I just can't imagine living that way. I can't imagine living each day with that kind of fear.

I can remember, many years ago, dropping my 6 year old off for the first day of first grade. I handed her off to a teacher I had never even met before that day. And I left my kid there, for SEVEN HOURS! With a complete stranger! And that teacher closed the door behind him/her, and was alone in that room with all those kids! Man, was I an irresponsible parent

Exactly. When I posted the question I certainly didn't mean to start a debate on sexual abuse or cause any animousity between coaches and parents. I just love my kid, and I love gymnastics. I think that most other sports are pretty much boring to watch. When I drop off my dd atthe gym, I'm not worried about her getting abused. There are plenty of other eyes and ears around. But by reading all of your posts, I've come to the conclusion that it's best for me to do just that...just drop her off. It's her thing. And when it comes timefor her to give it up, the last thing I want is for her to feel like she's letting me down.

 

[txgymfan]

Trust me you did not start anything. This topic comes up periodically and similar responses come up each time.

Personally, I agree with the general rule that parent should being allowed but not encouraged to stay during team practice. When possible it seems best for most athletes if parents find something more productive to during practice. unfortunately, many parents seem to edge towards the Crazy Gym Parent unless almost forced to back away from practice.

If parents have to stay I encourage gyms to provide free wifi and/or( even better) treadmills or other gym equipment to keep the parents occupied.

 

[2G1B]

Our gym provides the free wifi, which I definitely take advantage of. It helps so much for passing the time and also for when my other kids are out of practice and doing their homework (in case they need to look stuff up). I sure wish that they had treadmills or something else for me to work out though! I had a dream when we first changed that the new gym had a pool and gym for the parents to work out/swim laps during practice. I woke up and was so disappointed that it was just a dream.

 

[MaryA]

Ours does have fitness classes, but they're real kick-butt classes. And not cheap. I do not take them. They look like work.

 

[happychaos]

and i'm gonna say it again...in gymnastics, we KNOW they are coming forward and they DO tell someone. are you blind? how do you think the names end up on the banned list? you think the coaches come forward on their own? good golly, happy...

Dunno, between 10% and 35% of s** abuse is reported. To continue to state otherwise is ignorant and dangerous. Isn't there a moderator that can put a stop to this?!?!?! Please!!! Some parent or coach is going to read this and act (or, rather not act) on the "information" you are supplying.

You are right that I have no idea what YOUR gym does. I AM familiar with what schools, gyms, soccer clubs, swim clubs, churches, etc. across the country do to prevent abuse. I don't know the details of every single program and initiative out there, but most work off the same basic principles. NONE work off your idea that because we have a "banned" list of abusers, kids must be telling.

Dunno, social scientists have been researching and debating the drop in abuse since I was in school well over a decade ago. I mean real academics who do *real* research and publish in peer-reviewed journals. Increased prevention/advocacy efforts (which is what I advocate for, and the reason I have devoted so much time to this thread) is likely one of the top causes for this decline (along with many others). One of the biggest barriers to increasing prevention efforts is PEOPLE LIKE YOU!!! People who minimize the problem, people who insist that their personal experiences translate to others, people who think they will surely know if abuse is happening to/by someone they associate with. These are ideas that MUST be stopped!

Please try the articles listed at the bottom of this page for some simple (not research journal) articles that discuss the issue further. Keep in mind that these are designed for mass consumption and do not discuss even CLOSE to all the ideas that have been floated, debated, and researched.
http://www.stopitnow.org/csa_fact_prevalence_decline

 

[happychaos]

Trust me you did not start anything. This topic comes up periodically and similar responses come up each time.

Personally, I agree with the general rule that parent should being allowed but not encouraged to stay during team practice. When possible it seems best for most athletes if parents find something more productive to during practice. unfortunately, many parents seem to edge towards the Crazy Gym Parent unless almost forced to back away from practice.

If parents have to stay I encourage gyms to provide free wifi and/or( even better) treadmills or other gym equipment to keep the parents occupied.

LOVE THIS ^^^^^ Treadmills would be dreamy!

 

[skschlag]

I think the point being made is this. You shouldn't be sitting at the gym because you think your child might be abused. If you have even that little suspicion that something is wrong, you should be high-tailing it out of there, not watching to make sure. The fact is, MOST abuse happens in residences, by relatives or someone in the home. It is up to US as PARENTS to teach our children what is ok, what is not, and how and who to tell. It is up to US as PARENTS to have that relationship with our children that they CAN tell us. and, yes, it is up to US as PARENTS to remove our child from a situation that is abusive.

So the original point of "I stay to make sure my child isn't being abused" is the one that I see as eroneous. Not the thought that kids can be abused by coaches. We know that is true. But dunno's point about how that usually happens is spot on. Kids go home with coaches, kids are alone in the gym with coaches (no 2-deep leadership). If htose things are happening, then the red flag waves high.

But, from a viewing area, through a piece of glass, what are you going to see? Hear? My son gets chewed out at least 3 times a week for doign something boneheaded. But that is not abuse. He gets pushups, arm circles, or heaven-forbid, kicked out of gym, but that is not abuse. They are in a dangerous environment where even the slightest moment of inattention can cause serious injury. Some parents might see pushups and "yelling" as abuse. But a lot of times, they keep the kids safe.

 

[txgymfan]

The point where I disagree with some coaches is that I do think parents should be allowed to watch. The idea of banning parents promotes distrust. Parents are allowed in children's schools ( if they insist) and at other kids activities. Again, I don't think it's a good idea, just that they should not be completely out.

 

[skschlag]

txgymfan- I couldn't agree more. I agree that we don't need to watch all the time (man, who really wants to?) but that the act of banning creates a climate of distrust.

 

[bogwoppit]

Okay stepping into moderate here.

This thread needs to get back on track to the OP's issue.

HappyChaos you may not like or agree with another posters opinion but you need to be careful that you do not venture into personal attack territory. Disagreeing is fine, but saying "people like you" is stepping into the attack zone.

We all know this is a hot topic, we have many threads on the topic already,

Bear in mind also that this is a relatively anonymous forum and you really have no idea who you are discussing things with.

So back on topic, and that would be the op's post, or I will close this down.

Thanks for your understanding.

 

[happychaos]

I think the point being made is this. You shouldn't be sitting at the gym because you think your child might be abused. If you have even that little suspicion that something is wrong, you should be high-tailing it out of there, not watching to make sure. The fact is, MOST abuse happens in residences, by relatives or someone in the home. It is up to US as PARENTS to teach our children what is ok, what is not, and how and who to tell. It is up to US as PARENTS to have that relationship with our children that they CAN tell us. and, yes, it is up to US as PARENTS to remove our child from a situation that is abusive.

So the original point of "I stay to make sure my child isn't being abused" is the one that I see as eroneous. Not the thought that kids can be abused by coaches. We know that is true. But dunno's point about how that usually happens is spot on. Kids go home with coaches, kids are alone in the gym with coaches (no 2-deep leadership). If htose things are happening, then the red flag waves high.

But, from a viewing area, through a piece of glass, what are you going to see? Hear? My son gets chewed out at least 3 times a week for doign something boneheaded. But that is not abuse. He gets pushups, arm circles, or heaven-forbid, kicked out of gym, but that is not abuse. They are in a dangerous environment where even the slightest moment of inattention can cause serious injury. Some parents might see pushups and "yelling" as abuse. But a lot of times, they keep the kids safe.

Not sure if this is directed at me. If so, I never said that a parent should watch every moment of practice to prevent abuse.

The discussion about where abuse occurs is fine, but you need to know that if you are a married to your DD or DS's other bio parent, your child is MANY TIMES more likely to be abused by a teacher, coach, neighbor etc, than someone living with you. Children living with married bio parents have a very low risk of being abused by someone living in their home.

Saying that most abuse happens at home, so don't worry about the gym is like knowing that driving on city roads is much riskier than driving on the highway, and since you always drive on the highway you never bother to wear a seatbelt

 

[bogwoppit]

I said back on topic, and I meant it. Last warning.

 

[happychaos]

Okay stepping into moderate here.

This thread needs to get back on track to the OP's issue.

HappyChaos you may not like or agree with another posters opinion but you need to be careful that you do not venture into personal attack territory. Disagreeing is fine, but saying "people like you" is stepping into the attack zone.

We all know this is a hot topic, we have many threads on the topic already,

Bear in mind also that this is a relatively anonymous forum and you really have no idea who you are discussing things with.

So back on topic, and that would be the op's post, or I will close this down.

Thanks for your understanding.

Sorry Bog. I didn't mean to cross a line. I am very passionate about this issue (can you tell?)

I do have an issue that some of what Dunno is posting does not fall into the category of "opinion". Some of it is factually false, and easily proven so. While this is a forum, and many non-truths are posted daily, most are not potentially harmful to children. Misinformation in this area IS potentially harmful.

 

[happychaos]

I said back on topic, and I meant it. Last warning.

Sorry, we cross posted!!! I won't post again.

 

[skschlag]

Back on topic

Here is my thought on it...as a parent and former coach of another sport.

If you have glass separating you, stay sometimes. My ds loves nothing more than me watching sometimes. He will even tell me what days he wants me to watch.

If you don' thave glass separating you, be careful. It is too easy to get involved.

BUt I always remember this: In the gym, I am a spectator. If I am staying and working, great. They even have coffee for me. If I am watching, the coach is in charge. It is not my job to give corrections, compliment, give instructions, or even manage behavior. That is the coaches' job. My job is to pay, encourage, and listen