Parents How to know when to let your daughter leave gymnastics

[Beambrat's.mom]

My DD has a very good friend at her gym, who for the past couple of years has wanted to quit gymnastics. The first time was after she compted Level 5 and was afraid of the BWO on beam for Lv 6. Last year she wanted to quit because she was apprehensive over moving to Lv 7 and doing the BHS on beam. Her mom each year has forced her to give gymnastics another year stating that she can't "quit" because of a fear, that she needs to learn how to push past the fears and conquer it. This year she has competed Lv 7, and again wants to quit gymnastics. She has often made comments about not having as much fun and not enjoying gymnastics like before, her grades have suffered and she is starting high school next year. Her mom again is forcing and blackmailing her into staying. First her mom said that she could quit and do prep-op. Then she said no to prep-op, and that she had to stay until she got her BHS on beam. Now she said that if she quits gymnastics (at our gym), then she will go to a different high school that has a gymnatics team, or she can stay at our gym, and go to her original high school with all her friends.

What are your thoughts? Should by dd's friend be allowed to leave? What harm could come mentally or physically if she continues and truly doesn't want to be there?

Thanks in advance, sorry it was so long

 

[bogwoppit]

Poor kid, if she is truly ready to quit, then she should be allowed to stop. Her mom is doing her no favours with the bribery and pressure.

Both my girls stopped gym this year and guess what? Life still goes on.

LOng term issues, well she could really hate gymnastics, and her mom!

 

[Blackie6]

These questions are hard to answer because it's not your daughter and that makes it difficult to know the whole story. You are getting your info from your daughter, who is getting it from her friend, who is getting it from the mother, ect.... While I don't agree to "force" my kids to do any sport they are not passionate about, I do like them to finsh their sport season and if it isn't what they want to do, at the end they are free to quit. Being that gym is all year round, probably after states and all meet obligations have been met (Parents often have to pre-pay for meets, coaches fees, leos, ect...) is a good time to stop. I think most would answer pushing a child to do something they don't want to do is never the answer. Threatening to make school changes is crazy too unless the daughter has expressed an interest to do HS gymnastics. Sounds like the daughter has to decide what she really wants to do and parents accept her decision. If she feels she has done all she could in the gym and the fear is just overwelming, I agree w/Bog, no amount of pressure or bribery will help. I would be sad if my DD quit too, but there are plenty of other sports to do, life will go on. Sad when parents don't realize that.

 

[lilgymmie7]

These questions are hard to answer because it's not your daughter and that makes it difficult to know the whole story. You are getting your info from your daughter, who is getting it from her friend, who is getting it from the mother, ect.... While I don't agree to "force" my kids to do any sport they are not passionate about, I do like them to finsh their sport season and if it isn't what they want to do, at the end they are free to quit. Being that gym is all year round, probably after states and all meet obligations have been met (Parents often have to pre-pay for meets, coaches fees, leos, ect...) is a good time to stop. I think most would answer pushing a child to do something they don't want to do is never the answer. Threatening to make school changes is crazy too unless the daughter has expressed an interest to do HS gymnastics. Sounds like the daughter has to decide what she really wants to do and parents accept her decision. If she feels she has done all she could in the gym and the fear is just overwelming, I agree w/Bog, no amount of pressure or bribery will help. I would be sad if my DD quit too, but there are plenty of other sports to do, life will go on. Sad when parents don't realize that.

This says everything I would say however it is stated far more eloquently. Unfortunately this story is probably true in most gyms with at least one or two gymmies. I have seen two instances like this in both of my DD's gym experiences, and it is truly sad.
If it is true, the Mom may need some counseling because in the long run so will the daughter.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

Poor kid, if she is truly ready to quit, then she should be allowed to stop. Her mom is doing her no favours with the bribery and pressure.

Both my girls stopped gym this year and guess what? Life still goes on.

LOng term issues, well she could really hate gymnastics, and her mom!

yep^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

[Panda-girl's Mom]

I agree it is hard to really get the story second hand. My daughter has gone through phases where she wanted to quit but she always gave me mixed messages. She would say one thing and act differently ( she would say she wanted to quit but want to stay for open gym and want to miss parties for meets eventhough I told her it was okay to skip a meet). For that reason I always encouraged her to stay and she always seemed to like gymnastics again. But she just turned 11 so it sounds like this gymnast is much older and has a better idea of what she wants. I understand her mom encouraging her to get over fears but if she is that unhappy doing the sport why would her mother force her and be so vindictive about making her go to another high school. Does the girl go to practice I know if my daughter eventhough she is 11 would just flat out refuse and tell me and the coaches she is quitting and that would be the end of it. Maybe your daughters friend could have a talk with her coaches I am sure the coaches would not be happy about the situation and maybe they could talk to the parent. I do not think the coaches would want a gymnast there who does not want to be there it would be frustrating for them too.

 

[Gymnasticgrandkids]

If she does not enjoy the sport any more, then she should be allowed to stop doing it....If it is only because of the fear (and she still loves the sport) then maybe encouragement is needed, not punishment. Either way, if she is forced to continue with doing something she truly does not enjoy any more then I would think that injuries may result from it, both mentally and physically. She is not the first gymnast to want to quit at or about this level and she won't be the last. There are more things to life than gymnastics (and I agree, I would certainly miss it is my 2 gymmies decided it was time to quit).

 

[MaryA]

It sounds like the mom feels like she (the mom) has put too much into the sport to let her daughter quit... and there's no doubt that both mom and daughter have a lot of time, money, blood, sweat, and tears invested in the sport. Mom probably feels like it will all have been wasted if her daughter quits. When the time comes for all of us, may we all be able to remember that, no matter who is signing the checks, this is our child's sport, and that they're (hopefully) learning life lessons that will continue to serve them after they're finished with gymnastics. I'm sure that someday I'll be in those shoes and it will be an adjustment... I will no longer be a "mom of a gymnast." But just being a mom is pretty wonderful too. Maybe she just needs to sit down and spend some time thinking about what she will be able to do with all of that money that she's NOT spending on gymnastics. (Maybe a vacation? Maybe she'll be able to retire before she's 80?) That might bring her around...

 

[LMV]

As others have said, I’m sure I really don’t have the full picture since this is a third hand account. It sounds like maybe the mom feels like she needs to push her daughter to push through her fears. I can understand how she may really think this what her daughter needs to do and that she is being the responsible parent by forcing this. My concern would be that this pushing may actually make the fears heightened and even more entrenched. Of course this isn’t my daughter and she has raised this girl for twelve or thirteen years so perhaps this really is the best thing for this particular child.

I think there is a lot of uncertainty in parenting. You love your kids, you try to listen, and you try to make the decisions that are right for them. If you make the wrong decision then you learn from that and pick up the pieces. Or at least that has been our approach along with some prayer for guidance and grace.

Our oldest daughter [who is now 15] was a soccer brat. I say this with endearment because I was a soccer brat growing up and even went on to play at the college level. I actually still love the game but honestly had no expectations my daughter would have any interest. Then she did and she ended up being quite talented. She took a break after she was a victim of violence [initially due to her injuries and then she had no interest in returning. I suspected that a lot of this was because one of her closest friends who didn’t survive the same incident had also been a soccer friend and I think she had some real survivor guilt issues with playing]. At the time her dad and I discussed this and decided that we needed to support her working through her grief in her own way and that forcing her to play or even strongly encouraging her by suggesting her friend would have wanted her to continue were not strategies we were comfortable with. So she took a break, and perhaps that was for the best anyway because she ended up having some later stage medical complications from the original injuries and playing soccer probably would have been a worse disaster. [During some of this period she had to take a break from anything requiring much exertion as she had so much problem maintaining adequate blood sugars. Horseback riding was completely out.] Now she has healed a lot both physically and emotionally and she is back on an ODP travel team playing on her own terms. We recently went to a soccer tournament near where we had lived before and her friend’s mom came to watch her play. I think we were all crying afterwards but sometimes tears are just part of the process.

We basically kept the door open, focused on her as a person, and took away any artificial timeframes or external expectations. That worked very well for her. I think if one of her siblings [including her little foster sister who is the gymnast of the family] wanted to stop doing something they had previously enjoyed we would try to incorporate those same strategies but since all of our children are individuals it might play out slightly differently.

 

[WatchThisMom]

LMV, can I just say that you sound like an angel? I'm not being sarcastic. Your kids are so, so lucky to have you. Your posts are always insightful and you have one of the best attitudes of anyone I've ever known. Whoever raised you did an awesome job.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

As others have said, I’m sure I really don’t have the full picture since this is a third hand account. It sounds like maybe the mom feels like she needs to push her daughter to push through her fears. I can understand how she may really think this what her daughter needs to do and that she is being the responsible parent by forcing this. My concern would be that this pushing may actually make the fears heightened and even more entrenched. Of course this isn’t my daughter and she has raised this girl for twelve or thirteen years so perhaps this really is the best thing for this particular child.

I think there is a lot of uncertainty in parenting. You love your kids, you try to listen, and you try to make the decisions that are right for them. If you make the wrong decision then you learn from that and pick up the pieces. Or at least that has been our approach along with some prayer for guidance and grace.

Our oldest daughter [who is now 15] was a soccer brat. I say this with endearment because I was a soccer brat growing up and even went on to play at the college level. I actually still love the game but honestly had no expectations my daughter would have any interest. Then she did and she ended up being quite talented. She took a break after she was a victim of violence [initially due to her injuries and then she had no interest in returning. I suspected that a lot of this was because one of her closest friends who didn’t survive the same incident had also been a soccer friend and I think she had some real survivor guilt issues with playing]. At the time her dad and I discussed this and decided that we needed to support her working through her grief in her own way and that forcing her to play or even strongly encouraging her by suggesting her friend would have wanted her to continue were not strategies we were comfortable with. So she took a break, and perhaps that was for the best anyway because she ended up having some later stage medical complications from the original injuries and playing soccer probably would have been a worse disaster. [During some of this period she had to take a break from anything requiring much exertion as she had so much problem maintaining adequate blood sugars. Horseback riding was completely out.] Now she has healed a lot both physically and emotionally and she is back on an ODP travel team playing on her own terms. We recently went to a soccer tournament near where we had lived before and her friend’s mom came to watch her play. I think we were all crying afterwards but sometimes tears are just part of the process.

We basically kept the door open, focused on her as a person, and took away any artificial timeframes or external expectations. That worked very well for her. I think if one of her siblings [including her little foster sister who is the gymnast of the family] wanted to stop doing something they had previously enjoyed we would try to incorporate those same strategies but since all of our children are individuals it might play out slightly differently.

i must tell you that reading the above has broken my heart. as a father that was almost too painful to read. i have know idea what took place as i wasn't around here when this must've taken place but my heart goes out to your daughter. please give her my best wishes.

 

[mariposa]

LMV, can I just say that you sound like an angel? I'm not being sarcastic. Your kids are so, so lucky to have you. Your posts are always insightful and you have one of the best attitudes of anyone I've ever known. Whoever raised you did an awesome job.

I thought the exact same thing when I read her post. What lucky kids to have LMV as a mom and Mr. LMV as a dad.

 

[Blackie6]

As others have said, I’m sure I really don’t have the full picture since this is a third hand account. It sounds like maybe the mom feels like she needs to push her daughter to push through her fears. I can understand how she may really think this what her daughter needs to do and that she is being the responsible parent by forcing this. My concern would be that this pushing may actually make the fears heightened and even more entrenched. Of course this isn’t my daughter and she has raised this girl for twelve or thirteen years so perhaps this really is the best thing for this particular child.

I think there is a lot of uncertainty in parenting. You love your kids, you try to listen, and you try to make the decisions that are right for them. If you make the wrong decision then you learn from that and pick up the pieces. Or at least that has been our approach along with some prayer for guidance and grace.

Our oldest daughter [who is now 15] was a soccer brat. I say this with endearment because I was a soccer brat growing up and even went on to play at the college level. I actually still love the game but honestly had no expectations my daughter would have any interest. Then she did and she ended up being quite talented. She took a break after she was a victim of violence [initially due to her injuries and then she had no interest in returning. I suspected that a lot of this was because one of her closest friends who didn’t survive the same incident had also been a soccer friend and I think she had some real survivor guilt issues with playing]. At the time her dad and I discussed this and decided that we needed to support her working through her grief in her own way and that forcing her to play or even strongly encouraging her by suggesting her friend would have wanted her to continue were not strategies we were comfortable with. So she took a break, and perhaps that was for the best anyway because she ended up having some later stage medical complications from the original injuries and playing soccer probably would have been a worse disaster. [During some of this period she had to take a break from anything requiring much exertion as she had so much problem maintaining adequate blood sugars. Horseback riding was completely out.] Now she has healed a lot both physically and emotionally and she is back on an ODP travel team playing on her own terms. We recently went to a soccer tournament near where we had lived before and her friend’s mom came to watch her play. I think we were all crying afterwards but sometimes tears are just part of the process.

We basically kept the door open, focused on her as a person, and took away any artificial timeframes or external expectations. That worked very well for her. I think if one of her siblings [including her little foster sister who is the gymnast of the family] wanted to stop doing something they had previously enjoyed we would try to incorporate those same strategies but since all of our children are individuals it might play out slightly differently.

Ok, I needed a good cry this morning, ((HUGS)) So sorry for all your familiy has been thru, thank you for sharing, I'm sure it's not an easy story to share. I also think your post was very insightful and I loved the part about keeping the door open while still focusing on her as a person!

 

[ThreeGirlsForMe]

As others have said, I’m sure I really don’t have the full picture since this is a third hand account. It sounds like maybe the mom feels like she needs to push her daughter to push through her fears. I can understand how she may really think this what her daughter needs to do and that she is being the responsible parent by forcing this. My concern would be that this pushing may actually make the fears heightened and even more entrenched. Of course this isn’t my daughter and she has raised this girl for twelve or thirteen years so perhaps this really is the best thing for this particular child.

I think there is a lot of uncertainty in parenting. You love your kids, you try to listen, and you try to make the decisions that are right for them. If you make the wrong decision then you learn from that and pick up the pieces. Or at least that has been our approach along with some prayer for guidance and grace.

Our oldest daughter [who is now 15] was a soccer brat. I say this with endearment because I was a soccer brat growing up and even went on to play at the college level. I actually still love the game but honestly had no expectations my daughter would have any interest. Then she did and she ended up being quite talented. She took a break after she was a victim of violence [initially due to her injuries and then she had no interest in returning. I suspected that a lot of this was because one of her closest friends who didn’t survive the same incident had also been a soccer friend and I think she had some real survivor guilt issues with playing]. At the time her dad and I discussed this and decided that we needed to support her working through her grief in her own way and that forcing her to play or even strongly encouraging her by suggesting her friend would have wanted her to continue were not strategies we were comfortable with. So she took a break, and perhaps that was for the best anyway because she ended up having some later stage medical complications from the original injuries and playing soccer probably would have been a worse disaster. [During some of this period she had to take a break from anything requiring much exertion as she had so much problem maintaining adequate blood sugars. Horseback riding was completely out.] Now she has healed a lot both physically and emotionally and she is back on an ODP travel team playing on her own terms. We recently went to a soccer tournament near where we had lived before and her friend’s mom came to watch her play. I think we were all crying afterwards but sometimes tears are just part of the process.

We basically kept the door open, focused on her as a person, and took away any artificial timeframes or external expectations. That worked very well for her. I think if one of her siblings [including her little foster sister who is the gymnast of the family] wanted to stop doing something they had previously enjoyed we would try to incorporate those same strategies but since all of our children are individuals it might play out slightly differently.

I have to concur with the other posters, LMV you are amazing. I can't imagine the pain that you have had to deal with through your daughter's ordeal and the strength you needed to survive and walk with her on her resulting journey. I love how you recognized her individual need and supported her through the grieving process. By doing so, you allowed her to come full-circle back to the sport she loved in a healthy mental state. Thank you for sharing and for the reminder of how precious life is to keep this "sport" in its proper place in our priorities.

 

[ek2]

Wow LMV. My heart goes out to you and your family. How difficult all this must have been and probably still is. Your post really puts perspective on the whole sport thing.

 

[gym law mom]

Wow LMV. My heart goes out to you and your family. How difficult all this must have been and probably still is. Your post really puts perspective on the whole sport thing.

ek2, you put it so well. LMV, you and your dh have been through so much with your dd and foster dd. Yes, you certainly put sports in the proper perspective. Its something the girls do, but in no way should define them. I'm so very glad that your dd has been able to come back to soccer and is healing both physically and emotionally. She sounds like a very inspirational young lady thanks to wonderful parents.

 

[AGM78910]

My DD has a very good friend at her gym, who for the past couple of years has wanted to quit gymnastics. The first time was after she compted Level 5 and was afraid of the BWO on beam for Lv 6. Last year she wanted to quit because she was apprehensive over moving to Lv 7 and doing the BHS on beam. Her mom each year has forced her to give gymnastics another year stating that she can't "quit" because of a fear, that she needs to learn how to push past the fears and conquer it. This year she has competed Lv 7, and again wants to quit gymnastics. She has often made comments about not having as much fun and not enjoying gymnastics like before, her grades have suffered and she is starting high school next year. Her mom again is forcing and blackmailing her into staying. First her mom said that she could quit and do prep-op. Then she said no to prep-op, and that she had to stay until she got her BHS on beam. Now she said that if she quits gymnastics (at our gym), then she will go to a different high school that has a gymnatics team, or she can stay at our gym, and go to her original high school with all her friends.

What are your thoughts? Should by dd's friend be allowed to leave? What harm could come mentally or physically if she continues and truly doesn't want to be there?

Thanks in advance, sorry it was so long

Two of my DDs teammates, both age 13, were pressured to stay in the sport by their parents for a year or two after they wanted to quit. They both had a lot of talent but had no desire to do gymnastics. Talent only took them so far, they were eventually passed up by girls who were less promising but were willing to work hard. They would come to gym with frowns on their faces, then go hide in the locker room or bathroom or play around and distract the other gymnasts. This caused hard feelings with the other girls who were there to work. They got a lot of minor injuries that kept them out of class.

 

[NGL780309]

I know I'd just let my kid quit. It's too much effort and time to put into something if the kid doesn't want to do it. There a million other things out there to do.

One of DD's gym friends is in a similar situation and the mom asked me what she should do and I don't really know. Her DD is only 8 and doesn't ask to quit and says she likes gym, but she doesn't want to go most of the time. She complains to leave early, fakes stomach aches to stay home and when she's there she'll hardly do anything and is always getting in trouble.

 

[cher062]

This is awful. The poor kid wants out and mom doesn't know when to call it quits. I wish I could say I've never seen this before but I can't.

usually there are times when kids say they want to quit because of a fear and if you know your kid and know when they get the move they will once again be motivated to stay with it then I would encourage them to stay but it sounds like this kid has had enough. I had my dd say a couple of time she was thinking of quiting I told her that would be fine when the season was over as she made a commitment to a team and has to finish the season. She was fine with that at the end of the season I asked her if she wanted to quit and you think I had suggested cutting off her arm. Nope she wanted to stay just had a brief moment where quiting looked better than trying to get the move. Everyone knows thier own kid best and when they really mean they want to quit and when a little nudge to move forward is all that is needed for them to realize that they really don't.

I think sometimes it's harder for us to let go of the gym then it is for the kids. I defitnitly wouldn't even consider changing HS because they didn't have a gym program. that's crazy.

 

[Sarah'sMom]

If a child's whole heart is not in the sport, don't they do it halfway or without full focus? Could this raise the risk of injury? Maybe a naive, foolish question?