Parents How to know when to let your daughter leave gymnastics

[mtbmom]

I agree that you may not know the whole situation. However, sounds like both you and your daughter have known this young lady for a long time. My daughter was feeling the same way toward the end of her time at a very unhealthy gym. She didn't want to quit, but didn's see how she could continue where she was. Wanted to quit about a month after getting to the new gym (conditioning was about 10x more difficult). Had a talk with coach, made commitments to each other and has never looked back. I didn't let her quit, because I felt it was situational and temporary. However, she was told by both the coach and myself that if at the end of this season, she wanted to quit, it was o.k. and no one would be mad at her.

Sounds like your daughter's friend is being forced month after month, year after year. Not sure what you can do about it unfortunately. These types of parents don't tend to listen. Probably her daugher will eventually rebel and just refuse to do it anymore. It is very sad. I'm glad this young lady has your daughter to talk to. She will need her.

 

[LMV]

I almost feel a little hypocritical as I read everyone’s posts because I have certainly made my mistakes in parenting. I suppose I’m modeling to our kids that everyone makes mistakes, even mothers [which is a great book by the way]. Yes, my own mom is amazing and my dad was one of the greatest dads. He lost his battle with cancer when I was pregnant with our oldest daughter. He wrote letters for later for all of the grandchildren for various major life moments and although our oldest daughter has never met him she has a sense of him from those letters which is special. Thank you to everyone for your support. I'm often amazed by how supportive this forum is.

i must tell you that reading the above has broken my heart. as a father that was almost too painful to read. i have know idea what took place as i wasn't around here when this must've taken place but my heart goes out to your daughter. please give her my best wishes.

She had just turned 12 when all of this happened and from my purely selfish mom who could not lose another child standpoint I was terrified she wasn‘t going to survive and then so thankful she was alive. It was such an emotional roller coaster because she would do better and then something would happen and then she would do better and on and on. I think I had a harder time not finding all the peaks and valleys because I knew what was happening. In a lot of ways having medical knowledge was not helpful. But as much as we went through it was clearly a lot worse for her.

A year after this happened in many ways things were worse because we were dealing with all of the medical issues and I still was terrified we were going to lose her at different points. At the same time I think we were closer than we ever had been [and I would have said we had a good mother daughter relationship before all of this] and I was so amazed by her strength and her kindness. She was always an appreciative kid but suddenly she was afraid to leave anything unsaid and she was so grateful for anything.

I got pregnant with our youngest while things were still very tenuous for her. It was a very scary time but she was so excited about the baby and having another little sister and somehow it all worked out. She painted a mural on the nursery wall for her little sister and picked her name.

Two years after this happened things were so much better. I remember watching her ride as a pattern demonstrator for a dressage show and crying because I was so happy she was finally healthy enough that we could let her ride. I blamed it on pregnancy hormones at the time of course.

Now she still has some health considerations as result of these injuries but she can and does manage them and has an active life. She is very good at listening to her body and very responsible about taking care of herself. This isn’t the most typical adolescent behavior but she hasn’t had the most typical experiences. Her childhood ended with this nightmare and her dad and I both have some regrets there. The things is that sometimes life changes us and we can’t go back so we can only try to stumble forward. When we were trying to figure out if we could bring her foster sister into our family a former friend* was aghast that we would even consider doing this to our daughter who had already been through so much. When we discussed this with our daughter and her brother she was very adamant that we should do it because she couldn’t imagine what it would be like if she didn’t have any family. The girls are so close now. They really are sisters even if they don’t share any common DNA.

*For the record, she became a former friend not because she expressed concern that we were considering taking a foster child but because after we had made the decision that we were doing it she continued to make passive aggressive jabs and we were a little afraid of what unkind thing she might say if she ever met our poor foster daughter. I always think friends shouldn’t be afraid to express their true opinion but once someone makes a decision then you need to support that [unless of course the decision is illegal or needlessly hurts others but then maybe it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship too].


NGL,
I think with your daughter’s teammate her parents need to try to figure out what the issue is because if everything was going well she probably wouldn’t be faking stomach pains to go home early or avoid practice. As an aside she may not be truly faking, even if she seems to bounce back and be perfectly fine once the decision is made to stay home or leave practice. Some kids do get stomach pain when they are concerned about something or afraid of something. Although the pain may give them a way to avoid the feared activity it is often just as real to them as if they were to break something. Her mom can read more about school avoidance syndrome and recurrent abdominal pain if she is interested.

Perhaps the child really is ready to be done with gymnastics but is worried that mom and or dad aren’t ready for her to be done with gymnastics. Or perhaps she really does like a lot of gymnastics but is distressed by a particular aspect--a particular event, skill, or even fearful and uncomfortable around a certain coach. It is also possible that there is a problem unrelated to gymnastics but she is acting out in that environment because she can and can’t in other environments.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

well, now i am crying silently for you and i can tell you for sure that it is not due to "pregnancy hormones". i agree with you for sure...no book on how to do anything as a parent. and less than for what you must've had to deal with. my heart aches for your daughter...

 

[txgymfan]

LMV,

I just want to add my support to everyone else's. As a doctor's daughter, I know it is even harder on you when your kids are sick or injured. I had a potentially life altering illness in my mid twenties after moving cross country and my poor dad made many phone calls checking my on condition and making plans should I get worse (I'm fine now, no lasting side effects). I alway knew that he would and will make sure that I am taken care of. I still make no major medical decisions without consulting him.

So, from your children, thank you for your knowledge and compassion. Knowing that you are aware of their conditions and will make sure they are taking care of themselves gives them endless security. Seeing how you care for your patients and hearing families thank you ( while at the mall, dinner etc.) will teach them compassion. Watching you read, study and keep up on the latest medical knowledge ( as every good doctor does) will teach them a love of learning. Even watching you miss events because of your patients will teach them sacrifice, hardwork and dedication. You may not know the lessons you are teaching your daughters but living with a busy physician has taught me so much.

Thank you for sharing your story with us! You teach us all lessons by your compassionate and honest posts.

 

[LMV]

well, now i am crying silently for you and i can tell you for sure that it is not due to "pregnancy hormones". i agree with you for sure...no book on how to do anything as a parent. and less than for what you must've had to deal with. my heart aches for your daughter...

Yeah pregnancy hormones are another one those things guys just miss out on. Our daughter says thank you for your compassion.

 

[LMV]

LMV,

I just want to add my support to everyone else's. As a doctor's daughter, I know it is even harder on you when your kids are sick or injured. I had a potentially life altering illness in my mid twenties after moving cross country and my poor dad made many phone calls checking my on condition and making plans should I get worse (I'm fine now, no lasting side effects). I alway knew that he would and will make sure that I am taken care of. I still make no major medical decisions without consulting him.

So, from your children, thank you for your knowledge and compassion. Knowing that you are aware of their conditions and will make sure they are taking care of themselves gives them endless security. Seeing how you care for your patients and hearing families thank you ( while at the mall, dinner etc.) will teach them compassion. Watching you read, study and keep up on the latest medical knowledge ( as every good doctor does) will teach them a love of learning. Even watching you miss events because of your patients will teach them sacrifice, hardwork and dedication. You may not know the lessons you are teaching your daughters but living with a busy physician has taught me so much.

Thank you for sharing your story with us! You teach us all lessons by your compassionate and honest posts.

I'm glad everything worked out well in the end. Thanks for your perspective on being a physician's daughter and it's nice to hear that it was positive for you. I'll try to remember that the next time I'm trying to stop indulging in mom guilt. Our oldest daughter actually thinks she may be interested in medicine. She may also be interested in being a veterinarian and she clearly inherited the litigator gene from her daddy so I guess we will see what happens. Her big brother is a first year medical student this year and loves it most days.