Parents Vent: when the gym atmosphere is toxic

[Texasmomof3]

Dd's gym has two optional tracks -- a morning program for homeschool girls and an afternoon programs for kids still in regular school. Dd is an afternoon track optional. Until this past year, both programs shared coaches, facilities, etc. Last year, the head optional coach said she needed more stability at home, so she took over the day program and they hired a new coach for the afternoon program.

The afternoon coach was a nightmare and got fired after just a couple of months -- half way through last competition season. For the past year, the afternoon girls have had no consistent coaching, with a series of substitute coaches, self coaching and being everyone's afterthought. (Morning coach refused to help out with afternoons, so only afternoon optionals suffered.). Although we finally now two weeks before the first meet have a new afternoon team optional head coach, the afternoon optionals are a mess still after a year of no coach.

We are expecting a couple of nightmare meets as the new coach takes over and begins to make a difference. But with the new coach, the skills and gymnastics levels will improve and hopefully by state they will look up to par.

The bigger problem is gym morale. The morning girls, coaches and parents have begun to treat the afternoon girls as second tier. We are at a pretty competitive gym, and the owners don't want to be affiliated with any weak gymnasts. The morning girls have become gym "mean girls" -- talking down to the afternoon girls, mocking them, bossing them around. And the adults don't help. They only post gym social media about the morning girls. They only include the morning girls in activities that represent the gym. And they describe the morning optionals as the "Gym Team," leaving the afternoon girls out.

The longer this goes on, the worse it gets. I have spoken to the owner, and she was rather appalled to realize how the afternoon girls and parents saw it. But I don't see any changes. In fact, since she and I spoke, they have posted another IG post with pics of only morning optionals describing them as "the team."

Dd and her afternoon teammates are fed up. They resent the morning girls they used to think of as teammates. I don't blame them and I'm a bit worried about how this will play out at meets when they are all supposed to compete as one team.

Ugh

 

[Deleted member D3987]

YIKES!

 

[gymbeam]

That's really sad and sounds overwhelming to try and remedy with so many people involved.
I wish I had some advice but I don't since you've already tried discussing with owner.
I will say I hope the new coaches are awesome and the afternoon girls Kick Major ***!

 

[3rd_time_around]

I heard of a place that split a level with the 1st group even wearing a different leotard at meets. I heard how toxic the gym atmosphere had become, wth parents not talking to other parents and the girls doing the same, and even the coaches. It was not good. But then I heard how at the first meet the "2nd team" out scored the hand-picked team. I don't understand why a gym would do that to their team and create a hostile atmosphere. Gymnastics is stressful enough without adding that to the mix. I feel for you. I hope things work out.

 

[MomIdidit!]

Wow!! I'm so sorry your DD and her team are going through such an awful time. I'm sending wishes your way that the new coach is amazing and things change for the better. GAgymmom is spot on....gymnastics is stressful enough. Ugh!! Please keep us posted.

 

[duyetanh]

Man, and I thought 'my' girl's gym was toxic....dang...
um, you win. Sorry.
I think it sounds just awful. Maybe when they are all together at a meet they will pull their heads out and realize that there is no "I" in team. Yes, yes, I know the word "me" is in there, but hey....
Any chance of doing some full group activities? This way, like it or not, they would have to interact?
Idk.....it's rough when you don't have the support. Does the afternoon coach have a good relationship with the morning one? I might start there...talking to the pm coach about what has happened, and hoping she can bridge the gap. Perhaps a meeting with the pm coach that is now your kid's coach?
Heck if I know...just trying to brainstorm...apologies if it all sounds like garbage....but I just think that is horrid. And while I know there are so many positives about this sport, this is one of the big negatives. Girls can be so catty, and so can their parents. UGH!

 

[MILgymFAM]

Sounds awful, truly. Also sounds like what we experienced with Xcel in JO oriented gyms, so I think I know what it's like. I doubt that it will ever change tbh. If the afternoon girls start to shine, the gym's focus may shift, but the attitude and atmosphere was allowed to build up for a long time and it will be hard to break down. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, and that the girls are in such a demoralizing situation.

 

[Faith]

Yep actually, been through similar. Although in our equivalent, the "afternoon girls" were actually the higher level girls.

For us, nothing changed. Coaching for "afternoon" was (is) still flaky, with no full time coach, and the afternoon girls and parents had to watch as the new "morning coach" came in, gave them lots of hours, lots of attention, the gym buzz (from coaches, kids, parents, and owners) was all about how good the morning girls were, the new skills they were doing...

Fast forward a year and all the "afternoon girls" have left. These were junior elite, national squad kids. The gym is left with the level 9 and 10 "morning" group, which are now heading for junior elite next year. And the olympics in 2020, apparently.

The group started off very competitive and has only worsened. Like you say they've become "mean girls", even towards other members of their own group. Personally i don't want my kid in that sort of environment, so we left. Others have asked to move to that group, as ot's now percieved as "best".

Sorry no help. We did try to talk to owners about it, ask for coaching consistency etc, but it's hard to do without comparing groups and sounding a bit "not fair", and "my dd is better than them, she should be getting the attention"

 

[Gymmommy71]

Goodness does that suck and what a shame the gym leadership/ownership couldn't forsee these issues when they created this new system. Optional gymnastics is stressful enough without having to deal w/ an "us versus them" atmosphere w/in your own team at meets!

OP - is the standard by which a girl is classified as day group versus evening group based solely on if the family is willing to homeschool, or is it based on other factors like talent/potential? Do you have quality options if you decide to leave? How long have you been with this gym? I'd say if you and many of the other evening parents have been there a while the best thing is to approach the owner as a group and try to demand changes. However, if your gym has turned into one where a family must homeschool to get good training, the gym deserves to lose the business of non-homeschool families.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

That's really sad and sounds overwhelming to try and remedy with so many people involved.
I wish I had some advice but I don't since you've already tried discussing with owner.
I will say I hope the new coaches are awesome and the afternoon girls Kick Major ***!

That would be me rallying the afternoon team or changing gyms.

 

[GymCMLA]

I'm sorry...that's awful. I'd rally the troops for change and start checking out other gyms. How incredibly unfair. We have a homeschool group BUT the all practice together a couple times a week as to not loose the team cohesiveness within each level and as an optional team as a whole.

 

[OzZee]

(Hugs),
We had similar but not so bad. All girls training at the same time but as team competitions are 3-6 girls here the group was broken into a and b teams for team comps. (Which were more common back in the low levels) and that's how the groups played out. The a team bullied the b team all the time (in particular a couple of girls). Never really improved until nearly everyone left, lol.

 

[duyetanh]

Yep actually, been through similar. Although in our equivalent, the "afternoon girls" were actually the higher level girls.

For us, nothing changed. Coaching for "afternoon" was (is) still flaky, with no full time coach, and the afternoon girls and parents had to watch as the new "morning coach" came in, gave them lots of hours, lots of attention, the gym buzz (from coaches, kids, parents, and owners) was all about how good the morning girls were, the new skills they were doing...

Fast forward a year and all the "afternoon girls" have left. These were junior elite, national squad kids. The gym is left with the level 9 and 10 "morning" group, which are now heading for junior elite next year. And the olympics in 2020, apparently.

The group started off very competitive and has only worsened. Like you say they've become "mean girls", even towards other members of their own group. Personally i don't want my kid in that sort of environment, so we left. Others have asked to move to that group, as ot's now percieved as "best".

Sorry no help. We did try to talk to owners about it, ask for coaching consistency etc, but it's hard to do without comparing groups and sounding a bit "not fair", and "my dd is better than them, she should be getting the attention"

So glad you left! I was hoping you did, because it sounds like your DD is very talented!

 

[GymDad9.9]

That's an awful situation you find yourself in. Shame on the owner for dropping the ball on the afternoon program. Like others have said, going to the owner as a group with a clear coherent message is a strong hand to have. It will make clear the seriousness of the matter.

We have the same division of optional training, a morning/afternoon homeschool group and an afternoon/evening regular group. They train separately and are coached separately. Not too much friction from the gymnasts although some of the homeschool girls have attitudes not backed up by being superior gymnasts by any stretch but it's an internal homeschool thing. The gym likes to tout the homeschool program as a fast track program, but never at the expense of any other group.

If I were in your situation, all things being equal, I probably would have started looking for another gym. I wish you a satisfactory resolution to your situation.

 

[Texasmomof3]

Sorry about my silence. Every time I try to get a response posted, the site goes down and I lose everything I've written.

 

[Pineapple_Lump]

Type/save it in a word program then copy and paste.

 

[gymgal]

Who is posting the updates and photos that are only about the morning group? That needs to be addressed. Perhaps a parent in the afternoon group needs to get with that person, providing info/photos as well, and maybe taking part in updating the webpage or info board in your gym. also planning activities for both groups weekly either in the gym or outside. What about talking with the hc about having one practice a week for all the girls?

 

[Texasmomof3]

Morning team is by try out only. But so is afternoon team. We are at a pretty competitive gym, but we are also in an area with a lot of pretty competitive gyms.

We chose not to move and wait for a new coach, because finding a solid optional program for a non-homeschooled kid around here is tough. And keeping dd in school is a priority for us.

I'm not sure who runs the social media accounts. I think it is more thoughtlessness than intentional, but it isn't helping the situation.

I've never wanted another girl to do poorly, and the morning team has certainly worked hard, but it would be nice if a couple of the afternoon girls could out perform their current training.

 

[txgymfan]

That stinks! I would have a conversation with the new coach and tell her this privately. She should be able to help but may not realize the extent of the problem.

 

[Aussie_coach]

The social media thing can end up just being a convenience thing.

Mornings and afternoons are very different in gyms. In the mornings the gym is usually empty, except possibly some pre school classes or adults classes. That morning team will have the run of the gym, it will be a very different atmosphere.

Afternoons in a gym are generally chaotic, classes everywhere, a lot of noise, a lot going on.

I am not justifying the behaviour, or that it is appropriate to one group to be favoured over the other, but the situation in mornings and afternoons are often hard to compare.