Off Topic What would you do?

[hannasmom02]

My DD is in a very small level 6 group. 7 girls all together.
One of the girls had a birthday party last Saturday a sleepover and invited everyone but 2 one my DD the other another team mate. She is a year older than DD so I don't think it's the age. DD cried all day Saturday just plain heart broke.
She's 10 so it's so hard to explain why some are just not thinking. This girl is new to the group she came in August. I thought they were friends. This group is super close and this has never happened before. My problem is , Is that I got a text last night inviting the whole team to a meet event. I have not responded to her bc my heart is still sad for my DD. But, on the other hand she will have fun. I'm so conflicted bc I'm still upset with her bc I know it was the mom that decided to leave those two girls out not her DD. PS Talking to this mom about what happened won't do anything bc she thinks there's nothing wrong with inviting most of them and leave 2 out. Please help me.

 

[my4buffaloes]

Many times it is just a space issue. Birthday parties are expensive and my dd has been invited to some and left out of some. We don't get worked up over it. My other dd was one of 3 from her group invited to a birthday party - the rest were left out. You could get upset over that too.

There are many reasons why they might have only included some and not all the girls. Not everything has to include everyone. A hard lesson, but one that everyone needs to learn. I know that I try to keep birthday parties small and sometimes my dd just doesn't want to invite every one. It is hard on either end, but you just can't always include everyone for everything.

 

[LizzieLac]

As hard as it may be to do, I would let it go. This not going to be the last time your DD feels left out or hurt over something someone (who she thought was her friend) does or says.

I know as parent's we want to protect our children, stop the hurting, shield them, etc. But sometimes these things happen and they will likely happen again (life is like that). So, I would try to just move past this experience. You can tell your DD that sometimes people do or say things that can be hurtful, because they are not thinking about how it will be received. I doubt leaving the two girls out was intentionally done to be hurtful...either by the mom or the child.

As for the other team event, I would let DD go. Skipping that would be like missing two things with her teamates. Good luck!

 

[Dka]

I think it stinks for your dd. I know birthday parties are expensive so I just took out my dd' s two best friends( former teammates) but brought cupcakes etc for her team. There are only 5 of them, and I knew if I had to invite one I would invite them all. All five have been included to every party so far...

 

[JoyAvenueMom]

I agree with my4 buffaloes...sometimes it's just a space issue. If she had only left out one girl, I would think there could be something else going on. (That happened to Kipper...she had just joined her team and was invited to a BD party. The birthday girl told her "I am not inviting so-and-so, please don't say anything to her". UGH!)
I know at the kids' school, the rule is NO invitations delivered at school unless you invite the whole class. That would seem like a good rule to enforce at the gym, but frankly, it's probably not going to happen.

I would encourage you to participate in the team event. Your dd will take her cues from you. She may be with this group a while and needs to learn that she can be friends, or at least be FRIENDLY with everyone in the group, without being invited every time a group of them does something outside of they gym.

 

[bookworm]

I don't mean to be harsh but it wasn't a "team event" so don't treat it as such. There could be many reasons why your daughter wasn't invited to this party but don't dwell on it and don't let her think you are dwelling on it. Maybe the girls aren't as friendly as you think and the birthday girl just wanted her closer buddies...you never know.

And as far as the "team event", that I would have her go to because she did get invited and it's for the whole team.

 

[gymdog]

I agree don't dwell on it and don't let it affect your other decisions...go on doing everything the same, continue to attend everything and graciously include everyone. Teach your daughter how to be forgiving and open.

But I do hate things like this. However I think your best response is to just ignore it and continue to follow the golden rule yourselves.

 

[gymgymgymnast08]

I feel for your daughter. One time we were at a travel meet and my mom and I were actually sharing a hotel room with another girl in my level and her mom. Her mom asked my mom earlier if we would share the hotel room with them and my mom said sure. When we were at the meet, the girl we were staying with actually planned a lot of things for everyone who was there except for me and one other girl. She made it clear that we were not invited. The girl who planned things' mom was very aware that we were not invited and did not care. This definitely wasn't a space issue or anything. Me and the other girl who wasn't invited ended up hanging out a lot and she actually became one of my best friends at the gym so maybe it was a blessing in disguise.

It was icing on the cake that I beat all those other girls at that meet.

I hope this doesn't turn into anything like that! It's a long story that I'm not going to get into but I was excluded a lot and my mom made sure to always have other things planned for me with other friends and she always reminded me to practice the golden rule.

Good luck and I totally emphasize with your daughter. It's hard!

 

[Amusibus]

My daughter is in 2nd grade. Having a big sister, of course she wants to copy and have a sleepover like big sis did. Her gym group is 10 or 12 kids... I can't have that many kids in my living room! Hearing your post I am torn as to what to do. She is closer with the half of the group she was with last year and wants to invite those 5. It is a quandry...But I assure you in our case at least it is nothing personal against those other kids, just a space issue really.

 

[Gymsanity]

'One of the girls had a birthday party last Saturday a sleepover and invited everyone but 2 one my DD the other another team mate.'
Yep, that's why at my gym the girls have to invite everyone, or they aren't allowed to invite anyone!
Feel bad for your daughter, but I would try and use it as one of the many life lessons that will be coming down the road. 'Life is unfair, we don't always get what we want, if you don't like it then be sure you don't ever do the same', etc.
As for the team event, I would definitely go, so as to not compound the problem, and to allow your daughter a chance to bond with the other girls. Maybe this time next year you will be posting about your daughter getting invited and what a great time they had!

 

[Deleted member 14190]

My DD is in a very small level 6 group. 7 girls all together.
One of the girls had a birthday party last Saturday a sleepover and invited everyone but 2 one my DD the other another team mate. She is a year older than DD so I don't think it's the age. DD cried all day Saturday just plain heart broke.
She's 10 so it's so hard to explain why some are just not thinking. This girl is new to the group she came in August. I thought they were friends. This group is super close and this has never happened before. My problem is , Is that I got a text last night inviting the whole team to a meet event. I have not responded to her bc my heart is still sad for my DD. But, on the other hand she will have fun. I'm so conflicted bc I'm still upset with her bc I know it was the mom that decided to leave those two girls out not her DD. PS Talking to this mom about what happened won't do anything bc she thinks there's nothing wrong with inviting most of them and leave 2 out. Please help me.

--
happens.... as much as you want to grab the mom or dad and strangle them, just let it go....

 

[cbifoja]

Mine gets left out of her team/group all the time. The girls she trains with want to do teenager things for their birthday parties....hang out at the mall, shopping spree at the Abercrombie and Victoria Secret, etc. Mine is too young for that kind of stuff so she simply isn't invited. I'm okay with her hanging with teenagers at the gym but it becomes less okay to send her to a mall with a pack of teenagers....despite those teenagers being perfectly fine young women.

Now having said that, I will say this. When I was a kid, I was allowed to invite my class to my 11th bday party slumber party (well, the girls anyway). There was one girl I didn't like for probably some silly reason or another and I begged my mother to let me exclude her. But my mother was very firm with her "all, or none" rule. So I had to choose.

I've raised mine in that same spirit. And it is especially important to me when the excluded group is such a small percentage as your situation seems to be. It is hard, even if it isn't accurate, to become offended. Of course I get that part of life is that some people get excluded but sheesh.....these are young kids. Can't we give them a few years before the world knocks the living crap out of them? It's like we are all so aware that it will happen that we try to shorten the time that they can be happy, unaware little kids. :-(

Sorry.....feeling very philosophical this morning.

 

[aerials]

I get that there are room considerations for a birthday party but I don't think it was right to exclude the two girls when there were other options to do this. If I was the mom in this situation I would of either made room for all 6 or limit it and only invite 2.

 

[GYM0M]

Yes, it may have been easier if the majority had not been invited, but it happens. My DD and her brother share the same birthday. DD is extremely limited on invites because my DS doesn't have as many friends and the friends he does have are from school and those friends rarely come at his young age. He has lots of cousins that will come of course, but it's too much of a hassle for family to come to 2 parties in the same weekend and who wants to plan 3 parties!!! So DD is only allowed to invite the number of friends DS invites. While many of her friends may get their feelings hurt, I try to explain to the parents that I am only trying to save the feelings of my son. Most of the time they understand, but they are concerned with their child's feelings and I too understand where they are coming from. I am sorry for your DD.

 

[hannasmom02]

The girl that had the party is an only child. She has children over her house every weekend always a ton of kids boys and girls.
Her mom told me. I'm only letting her invite 5 kids I said what you have more than 5 kids over your house on the weekends and now it's her bday and you are only allowing 5?
But, it ended up being 15 kids. So, that hurt a little more but, I'm over it. It was just painful to see my DD crying mostly bc she plays with this girl and this girl has come to our house many many times. But, she's never invited my DD to her house. Maybe were not cool enough. Lol
PS this lady is super competitive she's the only person on the team that writes down everyone's score and if he DD does bad she blames the coaches not her DD. But, I'm over it. I told my DD to go out and beat her at ever meet she can. Even though they really are never against each other bc my DD is younger. .
Thank You everyone.

 

[mariposa]

But, I'm over it. I told my DD to go out and beat her at ever meet she can. Even though they really are never against each other bc my DD is younger. .
Thank You everyone.

Wow. This attitude could explain why she wasn't invited. She is your daughter's teammate and you said her friend, too, why would you say that to your daughter? I guess in this case and with what you're teaching your daughter, with friends like that, who needs enemies?

 

[bookworm]

The girl that had the party is an only child. She has children over her house every weekend always a ton of kids boys and girls.
Her mom told me. I'm only letting her invite 5 kids I said what you have more than 5 kids over your house on the weekends and now it's her bday and you are only allowing 5?
But, it ended up being 15 kids. So, that hurt a little more but, I'm over it. It was just painful to see my DD crying mostly bc she plays with this girl and this girl has come to our house many many times. But, she's never invited my DD to her house. Maybe were not cool enough. Lol
.

Ok a couple of things here, and again not trying to be harsh but....you say you're "over it" but it doesn't really seem like you are, and you need to be , for your daughter's sake. And if this child has come to YOUR house many times and it's never been reciprocated (and you say this family has a housefull every weekend) , the handwriting is on the wall here...they're perfectly willing to accept your hospitality but it's only going one way, there is no mutual friendship here....not that you have to be rude or anything but see it for what it is and help your daughter pursue more fulfilling friendships (i.e. the ones that do invite her over)

And it terms of how many this other woman does or does not invite and/or has at her house on a regular basis, I'm sorry but that's none of your business and you'd do yourself a favor not to dwell on it. Who she invites to her home, just like who you invite to yours, is the business of that person, not everyone else in the gym...

 

[GYM0M]

I'll admit that I'm competitive and feel vindicated by a 'gym wrong' when DD puts up a better score, BUT I am wrong to feel this way and I hope DD has never gotten a sense of my feelings when I feel this way. It's really hard not to get wrapped up in it sometimes. I keep up with everyone's scores at every meet, but I'm not a CGM and I absolutely do not blame DD's coaches for a bad meet. Some of our parents record ALL events to compare them. I'm not that diligent.

 

[gymdog]

Telling your daughter to beat her at meets is ridiculous and not in the spirit of this sport. The damage is done this time but I urge you to change your attitude going forward.

 

[Midwestmommy]

Playing the devil's advocate here, but this stuff is so hard. We always invite all the girls from a certain level for lunch etc after a meet. But the birthday party lists versus cost and space restraints.... Nightmare. My daughter has always proposed long (too long) lists at birthday time. We would whittle the list down not by who we want there so much, but more by how to try not to hurt any feelings (e.g., leave out all the church friends or ask them all etc). I prefer doing 2-4 kids now for "party" or "sleepover." Keeps life easier.

Anyway, if this happened to my daughter (absent other unkind or mean bullying type behavior), I would remind her of someone she really likes who we didn't invite to whatever her last party or sleepover was, and ask if she doesn't want to be that girl's friend. I tell her everyone can't be invited to everything, and just to let it go, and don't be the friend who gets all worked up about it.

I also can't be the only mom that has certain kids they would rather have sledding (loud and energetic) buy maybe not so much at sleepovers.... the screamers.....come on, I think every kid has one or two friends that do that...really nice kids but in a group have one volume level--piercing loud. Love to have them go skiing or sledding or swimming, but small sleepovers not so much. Just like my own friends, some I prefer coffee, some I prefer a drink, some who talk to much I prefer something active...., onces who are neat freaks and judgy I meet out, ones who are more relazed I invite over.... I love em all, just all friendships are a little different.


By all means, I would have her go to whole team meet event! Of course! And I would tell her if she wants to have a sleepover with this girl, we will invite her to our house. I see it as a good moment to not perpetuate or encourage girl drama and relationship aggression among girls, and to try to coach my daughter not to get caught up in it. It can get awful around ages 10-12. PS, my daughter has a friend who comes over all the time (for years) and my kid has only been invited to her house once. I think she doesn't like to have people over unless her house is perfect, and like most of us it rarely is..... So I choose (and tell my daughter) not to worry about it. I'd rather have my house be the gathering place so I can keep on eye on them, so it works out just fine...