Off Topic What would you do?

[Muddlethru]

I know of no one who has never been left out one time or another. I witnessed my kids hurt and sadness when they feel left out. All you can do is hold their hand and reassure them their worth and that not everyone will see that.

On the flip side, a year ago my youngest did not want to invite one sole girl in her class. We were inviting the whole class. She pled, begged and borrowed. She said this girl bullied her in school and always dominated over her and her friends and she felt this little girl stirred people against her. My thoughts or options were either my daughter would be miserable on her own birthday party or offend this little girl I did not even know. OP, I am in no way insinuating this is your case, except that people have reasons for making certain decisions and they just have to be respected. I also tell my children they should not continue to stay with people who continually hurt them.

 

[Natalia]

Well I'm a horrid money grabbing materialist.

When my kid was all upset because she didn't get invited to a party I told her :
"Isn't it great we don't have to spend money on a present,instead we'll spend it to go skating together and go out to the pizza place ,just the two of us "

I actually had to get on the ice,it made her evening.

 

[Iwannabemargo]

Had a great meal in Pizza Pai last time we were in France - the waitress complimented me on my English

 

[bookworm]

.

On the flip side, a year ago my youngest did not want to invite one sole girl in her class. We were inviting the whole class. She pled, begged and borrowed. She said this girl bullied her in school and always dominated over her and her friends and she felt this little girl stirred people against her. My thoughts or options were either my daughter would be miserable on her own birthday party

And I totally agree with you on this....no way should a bully be rewarded for bullying behavior. If your own kid can't have a birthday party that she enjoys, why bother?

 

[happychaos]

And I totally agree with you on this....no way should a bully be rewarded for bullying behavior. If your own kid can't have a birthday party that she enjoys, why bother?

Inviting an entire class of children and excluding ONE is just as bad as bullying. It causes feelings of pain, rejection and humiliation, SAME AS BULLYING. You would never want your child to be the one excluded, so don't do it to someone elses child. Welcome the bully, treat her kindly, and watch her closely so that she does not have a chance to start anything. Set a good example, and treat the child the way you would want your child treated. Who knows....it just may soften the heart of the bully

If the child really can't stand the thought of inviting the bully, then have a smaller party and don't invite the entire class. Don't allow YOUR child to become a bully as well. In our home, "but they started it" is not an excuse for unkindness.

 

[Natalia]

Had a great meal in Pizza Pai last time we were in France - the waitress complimented me on my English

Haha!I get complimented on my French LOL!

We must pick a side of the Channel and meet up.

 

[Iwannabemargo]

Hopefully heading for the languedoc in Summer - my pop in and see @GymMumInFrance if she is up for a cup of tea

 

[Muddlethru]

Inviting an entire class of children and excluding ONE is just as bad as bullying. It causes feelings of pain, rejection and humiliation, SAME AS BULLYING. You would never want your child to be the one excluded, so don't do it to someone elses child. Welcome the bully, treat her kindly, and watch her closely so that she does not have a chance to start anything. Set a good example, and treat the child the way you would want your child treated. Who knows....it just may soften the heart of the bully

If the child really can't stand the thought of inviting the bully, then have a smaller party and don't invite the entire class. Don't allow YOUR child to become a bully as well. In our home, "but they started it" is not an excuse for unkindness.

Just for the record, 1) I disagree with you on this. It is NOT the same as bullying. And I vehemently resent the association. It is easy to have a warm, forgiving heart when you are looking at it from the outside, when it is not your child involved and particularly when you do not know all the details. I also do not tolerate "she started it" type mentality. It always takes two to fight; and 2) I did invite the bully despite my daughter's protest. I promised my daughter I would watch over this kid and make sure she did not bully my daughter. I regretted ever inviting this girl. She was a brat who did not even respect my authority. Every time I talked to her, she never responded and just looked at me. She ignored everything I said and went about with whatever she wanted to do. She announced she did not like the food I prepared. So, I prepared her something else. She took one bite and said it was horrible. When my daughter started opening presents, she grabbed a present and started opening it. Her mother was sitting right next to her then and did not say a thing. I watched her and when I finally spoke up, the mother pretended not to notice what had happened and still did not say anything. By that time, the present had already been opened.

For months, my daughter dreaded going to preschool. She was sometimes in tears afraid to go to school. I've always believed in having my children fight their own battles. So, I brushed it off as her adjusting to making friends. Even after a talent show at school when my daughter was paired up with this girl, I still gave the girl and her mom the benefit of the doubt. They had a duet. The girls chose two songs. My daughter did not know the first song that the girl picked and so she stood there very uncomfortably. Even the director of the preschool noticed this and came up to help with my daughter's discomfort by holding her hand and dancing with her. The girl did not like it and shooed the director away. The director left. And so the next song came on. My daughter knew this song, started singing and a smile came across her face. Well the little girl no longer wanted to sing and walked off the stage. The mother turned off the music and my daughter was left alone and her smile left her lips so quickly. Many mothers came up to me saying how sorry they were this happened. I was very upset but despite that I invited this little girl.

My daughter did not want to have a smaller party. She wanted to invite her whole class. She said she liked everyone in her class and did not understand why she had to limit her guests or exclude other girls she liked. And I agree with her. This girl caused the feeling of pain, rejection and humiliation of which you speak. If I had to do it over again, I would not have invited this girl. Why should I welcome that into my home on my daughter's special day? My daughter was not being mean spirited. Not everything should be put into one category and judgement passed on as a general rule. If a child is consistently not invited to a party, that child and the parent should started looking closer to home for reasons why and not enforcing some general, righteous rule.

 

[LMV]

Inviting an entire class of children and excluding ONE is just as bad as bullying. It causes feelings of pain, rejection and humiliation, SAME AS BULLYING. You would never want your child to be the one excluded, so don't do it to someone elses child. Welcome the bully, treat her kindly, and watch her closely so that she does not have a chance to start anything. Set a good example, and treat the child the way you would want your child treated. Who knows....it just may soften the heart of the bully

If the child really can't stand the thought of inviting the bully, then have a smaller party and don't invite the entire class. Don't allow YOUR child to become a bully as well. In our home, "but they started it" is not an excuse for unkindness.

I don't have a problem with this in general but I think as parents we do have a real obligation to make sure we aren't sacrificing our children so that we can appear enlightened and kind. When she was much younger our oldest daughter opted out of a birthday party rather than invite a few children in her class. My mom reminded me that I would have done the same thing but I wouldn't have done it to be unkind and there would have been a really good reason I didn't want those kids at my party (like they were the ones who had said horribly unkind things to my foster brother repeatedly and I was honoring him in my case). In our daughter's case this was the beginning of a bullying incident that ultimately played out to a violent disaster and although it still played out to disaster I am so glad that I listened to my daughter and reported everything through the appropriate channels. The sad reality is that the system doesn't always work. Because of the end result it isn't a victory in any sense but I think our relationship was solid when all of this happened because I did listen to her (among other things) and that made it much easier for her to heal. She did have a family only birthday party that year and in smaller groups invited all of the other children in her class to slumber parties, movie treats etc. over the course of the year.

 

[Muddlethru]

By inviting the girl into my home, I don't think I taught my daughter how to be warm and caring. My intention to show kindness to the girl who caused pain to my daughter merely confused her. Her parent who she believed is suppose to protect her invited the aggressor into her home and ruined her special day. She clearly felt and articulated that I was on the girl's side. I think I taught my daughter instead that kind of behavior should be tolerated and rewarded.

When my daughter started kindergarten, she turned from a sweet, caring girl to being demanding and vocally mean to her friends. We went through many talks and examples and she reverted back. I now get constant compliments from her teachers that is she is first one to offer support to her classmates and offer kind words and how she is admired by her classmates. At a classroom party, a few parents came up to me to say their children could not wait for them to meet my daughter. Maybe her short stint at meanness has no correlation with her experience in preschool. But I cannot help but wonder. Of all my kids, she was the only one that went through a mean spell. She could have very easily thought, why can't she be mean? Her classmate in preschool was mean and got her way all the time. At 5, it is hard to tell what makes sense to them. But I sincerely feel my actions confused her.

 

[LMV]

My DD is in a very small level 6 group. 7 girls all together.
One of the girls had a birthday party last Saturday a sleepover and invited everyone but 2 one my DD the other another team mate. She is a year older than DD so I don't think it's the age. DD cried all day Saturday just plain heart broke.
She's 10 so it's so hard to explain why some are just not thinking. This girl is new to the group she came in August. I thought they were friends. This group is super close and this has never happened before. My problem is , Is that I got a text last night inviting the whole team to a meet event. I have not responded to her bc my heart is still sad for my DD. But, on the other hand she will have fun. I'm so conflicted bc I'm still upset with her bc I know it was the mom that decided to leave those two girls out not her DD. PS Talking to this mom about what happened won't do anything bc she thinks there's nothing wrong with inviting most of them and leave 2 out. Please help me.

I really don't think that the other girl needs to invite the entire team. I wouldn't make my child invite their entire team to a party. Of course, if they weren't then I would send the invites through email/ the us postal service and I would remind the child that it was rude to discuss a party when the entire group wasn't invited. If my child was excluded I would understand that she was disappointed and a little hurt but I would be careful to make sure she wasn't picking up on my cues and that we weren't making this a bigger deal than it really was. The reality is that we all have our own preferences and just form deeper connections with some people than others. I think it is important to be kind and respectful to everyone but there are people I work with I would prefer not to socialize with and there are people who never move from acquaintance to friend in my life for similar reasons. If you can help your daughter understand this at ten I think she will have a much easier time going forward.

I'm unclear if the text for the team event is from the mom of the child who just had the party. If it is, unless we had a family conflict or I worried about the safety of the planned event I would reply that our daughter would be there and thanks for organizing an event for the team. As I mentioned, I have some colleagues that I would prefer not to socialize with so I might not invite them to a New Year's Eve Party but I wouldn't leave them out of Journal Club, if I was hosting that. We also have a great working relationship (and, honestly, I bet if asked they would probably prefer not to socialize with my husband and I either---they probably think we're kind of boring) and that is what is important. Girls can be good teammates without being good friends. Our L10 daughter has always had good teammates but this is the first year that some of those teammates have also become real friends.

 

[bookworm]

Inviting an entire class of children and excluding ONE is just as bad as bullying. It causes feelings of pain, rejection and humiliation, SAME AS BULLYING. You would never want your child to be the one excluded, so don't do it to someone elses child. Welcome the bully, treat her kindly, and watch her closely so that she does not have a chance to start anything. Set a good example, and treat the child the way you would want your child treated. Who knows....it just may soften the heart of the bully

Sorry but I disagree....to exclude someone who is an aggressor towards my child is protecting my child and to do otherwise just confuses your own kid....if you want to invite bullies to your own home , that's up to you , but I've been there, done that and not going down that road again, period.

 

[happychaos]

Just for the record, 1) I disagree with you on this. It is NOT the same as bullying. And I vehemently resent the association. It is easy to have a warm, forgiving heart when you are looking at it from the outside, when it is not your child involved and particularly when you do not know all the details. I also do not tolerate "she started it" type mentality. It always takes two to fight; and 2) I did invite the bully despite my daughter's protest. I promised my daughter I would watch over this kid and make sure she did not bully my daughter. I regretted ever inviting this girl. She was a brat who did not even respect my authority. Every time I talked to her, she never responded and just looked at me. She ignored everything I said and went about with whatever she wanted to do. She announced she did not like the food I prepared. So, I prepared her something else. She took one bite and said it was horrible. When my daughter started opening presents, she grabbed a present and started opening it. Her mother was sitting right next to her then and did not say a thing. I watched her and when I finally spoke up, the mother pretended not to notice what had happened and still did not say anything. By that time, the present had already been opened.

For months, my daughter dreaded going to preschool. She was sometimes in tears afraid to go to school. I've always believed in having my children fight their own battles. So, I brushed it off as her adjusting to making friends. Even after a talent show at school when my daughter was paired up with this girl, I still gave the girl and her mom the benefit of the doubt. They had a duet. The girls chose two songs. My daughter did not know the first song that the girl picked and so she stood there very uncomfortably. Even the director of the preschool noticed this and came up to help with my daughter's discomfort by holding her hand and dancing with her. The girl did not like it and shooed the director away. The director left. And so the next song came on. My daughter knew this song, started singing and a smile came across her face. Well the little girl no longer wanted to sing and walked off the stage. The mother turned off the music and my daughter was left alone and her smile left her lips so quickly. Many mothers came up to me saying how sorry they were this happened. I was very upset but despite that I invited this little girl.

My daughter did not want to have a smaller party. She wanted to invite her whole class. She said she liked everyone in her class and did not understand why she had to limit her guests or exclude other girls she liked. And I agree with her. This girl caused the feeling of pain, rejection and humiliation of which you speak. If I had to do it over again, I would not have invited this girl. Why should I welcome that into my home on my daughter's special day? My daughter was not being mean spirited. Not everything should be put into one category and judgement passed on as a general rule. If a child is consistently not invited to a party, that child and the parent should started looking closer to home for reasons why and not enforcing some general, righteous rule.

Sorry you disagree, but yes, inviting an entire class and leaving out ONE child IS bullying, regardless of how you chose to justify it. Even if the child is a horrid little brat. By allowing your child to exclude one classmate, you are teaching them that it is okay to hurt and humiliate the bully, because the bully has hurt and humiliated them. Showing kindness where none is deserved is a sign of strength, not weakness.

If my child had been really hurt by a classmate and felt very strongly about not having them at their party then I would respect that. BUT, I would not allow my child to turn around and hurt the other child by inviting everyone but them. We would have a smaller party, because a whole class party means the WHOLE class.

Also, you appear to be talking about very young children. Disliking food, not listening, grabbing presents, etc doesn't sound like it is that out- of-line for a preschool birthday party Annoying? Certainly. If you invited the whole class, and only one child was acting that way, consider yourself fortunate Unfortunately, there always seems to be one or two kids per class that act that way. That's the downside of having those large parties.

 

[happychaos]

Sorry but I disagree....to exclude someone who is an aggressor towards my child is protecting my child and to do otherwise just confuses your own kid....if you want to invite bullies to your own home , that's up to you , but I've been there, done that and not going down that road again, period.

There really is nothing confusing about teaching your children to behave kindly towards others. My children and I frequently discuss how to respond to the "mean kids". I have never encouraged my kids to retaliate by doing something hurtful back, by inflicting the same pain. Of course you want to protect your child from the aggressor....but hurting and humiliating the "aggressor" isn't the way to go about it. That turns YOUR child into the aggressor.

I can assure you my kids are NOT confused about our expectation to treat others with kindness. I have frequently encouraged my kids to seek out the child with few friends and invite them over. To look for a child that doesn't have a great home life, and include them on a family outing. To have a playdate with a child that they don't know well. As a result, my children would not be surprised or confused if I wouldn't let them exclude one child, and invite the rest.

The message is simple...ask your child how they would feel if they were the ONE excluded child. Teach your child that they should not desire to make someone feel that way, regardless of the persons actions toward them.

Kindness is easy.....until you are confronted with someone you detest. Teaching your child to be kind to a bully may not change the bully.....but it will change your child

 

[Amusibus]

happychaos, I disagree with you too. If one kid in my kid's class was tormenting them, under no circumstance would I ever subject my child to inviting the bully over. My job as a mother is to love and protect my children, and while I understand that bullies might act the way they do because they are hurting inside for whatever reason, I also feel I cannot solve the problems of everyone in my life through my own kindness and altruism. When I was 9, for that one year I had a tormentor in school. At 42 I still wanna punch her lights out. I know how that feels to be that bullied kid, and I would absolutely never, ever do that to my kid.

 

[gymgymgymnast08]

I was bullied a lot by one girl in grade school. Everyone else would be perfectly nice to me as long as that one girl wasn't around. When she was around, everyone else would bully me too.

Anyway, my mom had the philosophy you have to invite everyone. I would figure out when the girl who bullied me was busy and I would have my party/whatever then.

However, I don't think sneaking around like that was necessarily a good thing for me to be doing/ learning either.

 

[happychaos]

happychaos, I disagree with you too. If one kid in my kid's class was tormenting them, under no circumstance would I ever subject my child to inviting the bully over. My job as a mother is to love and protect my children, and while I understand that bullies might act the way they do because they are hurting inside for whatever reason, I also feel I cannot solve the problems of everyone in my life through my own kindness and altruism. When I was 9, for that one year I had a tormentor in school. At 42 I still wanna punch her lights out. I know how that feels to be that bullied kid, and I would absolutely never, ever do that to my kid.

Well of course you're not obligated to invite the bully over! But that doesn't mean that you should allow your child to inflict that same pain on another child, regardless.

The point I was trying to make, obviously ineffectively, is that it is wrong to exclude one child, and invite the rest of the class.

Probably because we have fostered children in the past, I just have a skewed view. I have had the bully and bullied under my roof. Of course you can't solve the problems of everyone with your kindness, but you would be amazed at what a difference a little kindness can make

 

[Pineapple_Lump]

Half of the problem is that the word 'bully' gets thrown around far too much these days. I see no problem with leaving people out of a party so long as that party is not brought up in their presence.
I went to school with a little girl who liked to manipulate others into 'leaving someone out' I guess that would be bullying these days. Personally I look back and see that all my friends and I were too thick/lacked the social skills to put an end to it. We all knew what she was doing, but got sucked in and played the game because we were 'in' that day. The day I ripped up the invitation I was given to her birthday party was the day the drama stopped including me I remember birthday parties where it was obvious the birthday child did not want a particular person there, very obvious and that kid would have been better off if they were not invited simply out of courtesy.

My partner goes out to dinner with his work team but the team leader is not invited, I guess that is bullying too.

 

[LIGYMMOM]

There is something to be said for letting a kid suffer the natural consequences of being a bully or just "not a good friend", however you want to put it. If they're left out of a few birthday parties maybe they'll start to wonder why and think about changing their ways. But the kid with a kind heart who is just shy and isn't very good at making friends? Invite that kid.

 

[luvmygymdtr]

Frankly, this dissension about birthday parties is precisely why we no longer throw them. I stopped throwing my daughters' birthday parties the moment a girl(s), for whatever reason, could not be invited....and now do strictly family events. Ironically, last year, the mother of the little girl that prevented me from being comfortable throwing a party for my ten year old, texted me to scold me for not inviting her daughter to the non-existent party. I have to admit, that stung a little.