Off Topic What would you do?

[hannasmom02]

Wow. This attitude could explain why she wasn't invited. She is your daughter's teammate and you said her friend, too, why would you say that to your daughter? I guess in this case and with what you're teaching your daughter, with friends like that, who needs enemies?

I guess my thought is for my DD to be better bc that's the only thing the other DD mom thinks about.

 

[MaryA]

By all means, I would have her go to whole team meet event! Of course! And I would tell her if she wants to have a sleepover with this girl, we will invite her to our house. I see it as a good moment to not perpetuate or encourage girl drama and relationship aggression among girls, and to try to coach my daughter not to get caught up in it.

This part I had to "like" twice! Like!

 

[Uglybetty]

Not sure if it's just a British thing but I think accepting hospitality (e.g. party invites or sleepovers) without reciprocating is just plain rude!

Equally though, I think trying to force people to include your DD when they don't really want to, can cause long term damage to her confidence/psyche. I was reminded about the opening chapter to Monika Lewinski's autobiography when her mom called the mom who hadn't invited her to a party to say "I think our invite went missing in the post".

My inner angel says ignore it and move on. My inner devil says invite everyone but that girl to a sleepover this weekend!

 

[txgymfan]

I vote for move on. Its a tough lesson to learn but that will not be the last time she is excluded. Someone once tried to exclude me from an after work party where every person in the office was supposed to be invited. The woman in charge of sending the invites was not my friend. When I saw people coming to the office with presents I asked my boss was told that mysteriously a few invitations got lost and that the same girl was supposed to follow up. So I went any way (and was encouraged to do so by the guest of honor) I got to the party before the invitation person. The look on her face when she walked in and saw me was priceless.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

let it go. and this coming from a Dad whose own children were left out of so many parties i couldn't keep track.

and it didn't affect my kids one bit. we laugh about it today.

 

[Midwestmommy]

And what about the party invite to where the "cool kids" are going on Friday night in a few years? And they are all drinking. And they would be your child's ride to the bonfire. How important is the party invite then? That's the time you want it to not matter one darn bit, you want your child to know who they are, know the ones who are really their friends will be their friends tomorrow regardless of some party. They will decide to not catch that ride, forget the party and come home to order a pizza and watch a movie with boring mom and dad instead.

 

[mariposa]

I guess my thought is for my DD to be better bc that's the only thing the other DD mom thinks about.

But you are sending your daughter a mixed message. Have her treat friend/teammate as she wants to be treated. Don't stoop to their level and don't turn teammates into competition. Yes, they are competitors, but there is a healthy balance there that needs to be walked. Push each other to do better, but to tell her to try to "beat" her is weird to me.

My daughter had a teammate like that, I had no idea until the dad said once, "oh, my DD almost beat your DD today. " It made all the girl drama from this girl I had seen come clear. They obviously taught their daughter that teammates are to be beat and to this day, even though they are at different gyms, this girls attitude and need to best/beat her former (and current) teammates is still there.

I teach my daughter to do her best and not worry about her placements compared to teammates. I teach her that when they all do well, they do well as a team. So I always talk positive about her teammates and encourage her to be a good teammate, even when I don't particularly like a parent. They are, after all, just kids.

 

[Sasha]

Yeah, I'm in the "It's nobody's business who another person invites to their home" camp. Disappointed for DD? Sure. I would be just as sad as you. So I do sympathize! But offended? You really shouldn't be.

You just can't always invite everyone to everything. And people aren't perfect about figuring out the best guest list solution sometimes, despite best intentions. Someone will be disappointed, and there's not always a clear way around that.

Sure, it's natural to feel sad for your child when the invite doesn't come, but she will take her cues from YOU as far as how she will learn to feel about these (inevitable) life events. We teach our kids that sometimes we are invited, sometimes not, and that is completely normal and OK. And we are forced to do the same for events, inviting some friends on some occasions, others on other occasions.

And I totally agree with the poster who pointed out that there are some personalities and relationships that best 'fit' with certain activities. Sledding friends vs. sleepover friends may or may not be the same set of friends.

Or there may be 'combinations' of kids that make hosting them together difficult (dealt with that more than once!).

Or (with my kids anyway), who they 'want' at a party can differ from day to day. If I ask them on Tuesday which 5 kids to invite, I might get a different answer than I did Wednesday b/c they happened to be talking to Susie on Tuesday and Sally on Wednesday and so they were tops on their mind.

The point here is not that the above examples applied to your DD in this case, but that there are SO many things to think about when considering inviting guests to an event, and parents are typically harried as it is planning so many things, that please give this woman a break and don't assume she is evil and slighted you on purpose. Maybe she is evil, maybe she isn't, but it's her house, her choice, and you can either choose to stoke the flames toward her DD (by telling your kid to go beat her in revenge), or you teach your DD to be a great friend. Choose wisely despite your (understandable) sadness for your dear daughter.

 

[shelovestoflip]

As so many have said, our children take our cues from us. So if you let it go, she will.

I guess I feel lucky in that our team girls are very close and each level includes all the girls for the 'big' events. That doesn't mean two girls don't spend an afternoon shopping together at the mall but the parties, team dinners etc include all the girls. They know it's what they 'should' do and I think they are learning a lesson in inclusiveness.

Yes, at times they do things with one or two others but the stuff that counts they're in it together.

I get that it was a birthday party but honestly, if the only girls going were team girls and to exclude 2 seems mean in my opinion. The birthday mother should know better. Or perhaps the birthday mother is where the birthday girl learned her not so nice behaviors!

I think it can lead to excluding at the gym and that won't be good.

If it was 3 gym friends, 3 school friends, 3 neighborhood friends, that's different. But all gym should be just that...all gym.

I forget how old you said the girls are but I also am a believer that big sleepovers with a lot of girls can lead to trouble at the tween/teen age. Tweens saying mean things and teens, well, who knows! I'd stay away from them as much as possible!

My two cents.

 

[dani4]

My goal is to raise my children to be emotionally intelligent. In this particular situation I would acknowledge my daughter's hurt feelings and the unfairness of the situation. I would then help my daughter figure out what kind of relationship she wants and what is possible with this girl going forward. She's not going to be invited over to the girl's house, maybe ever, that much is clear. Does she still want to invite her over and play with her- even though it's a one-sided relationship? Or should she put her energies toward developing friendships with people who will reciprocate on invitations?

There's no point in focusing on bitterness and revenge.. it only creates more unhappiness for everyone, including your daughter.

My mother was very much into revenge, bitterness, guilt trips, etc when I was growing up. She still is. She remembers every slight. When she's buying a baby gift for a friend's child she will call me up to ask what they gave us and especially how much they gave us if money- same with wedding gifts. She gets suspicious when people are planning a party and invite us at the last minute, and makes a big deal out of these things. It's so exhausting. She has bad relationships with her brother & sister because of how she is, and she's always being left out because no one wants to deal with her attitude.

 

[bookworm]

And while everyone is assuming the birthday girl and her mom are evil for not inviting everyone, it may be that the birthday girl just wanted the friends she felt closest to at her party and I would guess she's not best buddies with all in her level...nothing evil about that.

I remember a parent telling me about a scenario where there was a bully and her sidekick bully in the classroom and her daughter wanted to have a birthday party but the "school rule" was you had to invite all or none...so the girl said " if I have to have people who aren't nice to me at my party, then I don't want a party" ...so sad...not saying this is the OP's daughter but given her response about "beating" the other child, sometimes you just never know where the shoe pinches...

 

[raenndrops]

My daughter had a teammate like that, I had no idea until the dad said once, "oh, my DD almost beat your DD today. " It made all the girl drama from this girl I had seen come clear. They obviously taught their daughter that teammates are to be beat and to this day, even though they are at different gyms, this girls attitude and need to best/beat her former (and current) teammates is still there.

I teach my daughter to do her best and not worry about her placements compared to teammates. I teach her that when they all do well, they do well as a team. So I always talk positive about her teammates and encourage her to be a good teammate, even when I don't particularly like a parent. They are, after all, just kids.

Lol, my OG has had "mortal enemies" since she started gymnastics. In Old L4, there was a girl on another team (who was fast tracked to Optionals, so they were only the same level for 1 year)... just the way OG would say her name. It was because they were often finishing side by side in the standings. OG would be excited if she could beat her. It wasn't until 2 years later that she decided the girl was actually nice. Her 2nd year of L4 and then in L5, her "Mortal Enemy" was a teammate. This other girl was really good (she will be L8 next year and has always had nice form... she also takes dance classes and has for years). In L6, her enemy was her best friend on team since they were the same age (1 month apart). She had given up trying to beat the other teammate and decided that this one would be a "better" enemy. Last year, there were only 3 girls in Xcel Gold on her team, so she had to pick a girl on another team to be the "Mortal Enemy." This girl had been in L4 and L5 when OG was, but never the same age group since the other girl is 5 years older... but in Xcel, we don't have enough in the district for age groups. This season, she has 2 "Mortal Enemies" ... the girl from last year and a teammate that has beaten her in the AA once. She and her teammate have a blast together and OG cheers for her at meets, but has developed a love of winning, so she will change her routines so that she can win, whatever it takes. (in a couple meets, it was leaving out her back tuck on floor since that is what caused her to lose to this teammate in December).
If you notice, "mortal enemy" is in quotes EVERY TIME. That is because it is not a vicious thing... it is a fun thing. Victory means scoring at least one 9 (all but the first meet) OR winning 1st AA (first meet and the last 3 meets - 2nd meet was 3rd AA... behind Other "Mortal Enemy" and another girl we haven't seen since; and 3rd meet was 2nd AA... behind the teammate)... so she was a winner every meet

 

[dani4]

Lol, my OG has had "mortal enemies" since she started gymnastics. ....

There is something to be said for healthy rivalries... whether they are real or imagined, they can get people motivated to perform and make things more interesting!

 

[happychaos]

Perhaps my DD and her teammates are more competitive than others, but they ALL want to beat each other, and everyone else too. It is, after all, a competitive sport. I just don't understand why people have their panties in a bunch over a parent wanting her DD to best a teammate. Every girl and parent has that attitude at our gym, and DD's former gym even more so. All in good fun and the spirit of sport!

I would never allow my DD to include 5 teammates, and exclude 2. Never. We would be sure that whatever type of party we were planning could include all 7. Now if DD only wanted to invite her 2 bff's from team, that would be different. But including 5 and excluding 2 is totally inappropriate, IMO. This teammate and her mother certainly knew that those two excluded girls would feel terrible, and they chose to go ahead anyway. To me, that says a lot about what type of people they are.

But yes, not much choice except to move on, and help your DD realize that life is like this sometimes.

 

[Sasha]

All in good fun and the spirit of sport!

And that's the point - that the competition between teammates (who are often your close friends) should be 'in good fun' but it was the implied possibility that the OP encouraged her daughter to beat the other girl as a payback/revenge/retaliatory tactic for a perceived slight by the other mom. I think most people would agree that particular kind of motivation to win is not 'in the spirit of the sport.'

Of course the OP may have been exaggerating there and perhaps wasn't really promoting mean-spirited revenge to her daughter. But being open to interpretation, that was the "panty-bunching" detail behind some of the reactions here.

 

[JBS]

There is nothing wrong with not inviting everyone on the team/level.

Gymnasts on our team are not required to be friends...they are required to be teammates.

 

[2G1B]

I have to agree that while it stinks for your DD, you have to just move on. It doesn't sound like this girl was nasty about it, so just let it go. I think it is kind of crazy to expect people to always invite everyone to a party or to have to pick not inviting any of their friends unless they invite the entire team/class. The kid throwing the party needs to be respectful of the feelings of the kids not invited; but that is about it.

An example from my kids - last year we were at a different gym. It was both of my girls' first year on team. My older DD came into a team that had been together already for 2 years (1 year of pre-team and 1 year of competing). It took her a little while to make friends; but she did get to at least be friendly with most of the girls. My DD is very nice and outgoing; but also a rule follower (I hear this from her teachers, coaches and friends' parents, so it isn't just my perception of her). There was one girl on her team who just never seemed to like her. When it came time that girl's birthday party she passed invitations out right after practice as the girls got their shoes on. She gave an invitation to every single girl on the team of 17 girls except my DD and when she got to my DD she said, "And YOU are NOT invited! We are going to have so much fun!"

Yeah, THAT I have an issue with. On the flip side though, when my kids had their party (my DS and older DD are twins) we did a smaller party with a sleep over. No way I could invite all of each of their teams plus school classes. They invited their closest friends. For older DD that meant 2 of her team mates along with a few friends she has made through the years at school.

For this year we are dealing with my younger DD's birthday party right now. She is in a training group of 6. She might invite one of them to her party. This time she is doing a horse back riding party (a trail ride). We are limited on the number of kids who can go. This is what she wants to do for her party, so she has agreed to only invite a total of 6 kids. She has 3 BFFs from school, her cousin, one team mate from her training group and one girl from another training group. I don't think that she should have to pick a different party idea just so that she can invite the entire team (which includes quite a few kids who are not always very nice to her because she is several years younger than them).

So, for me I guess it is don't expect to be invited to every party and don't assume that it is a slight against you if you aren't (unless the party thrower tells you that it basically is as in the case with my older DD). Still go to the team stuff, still be nice and be friends. And don't try to pit the kids against their team mates. A friendly rivalry is fine if it comes from the kids not their parents and as long as it is done in good fun and with good attitudes.

 

[happychaos]

When it came time that girl's birthday party she passed invitations out right after practice as the girls got their shoes on. She gave an invitation to every single girl on the team of 17 girls except my DD and when she got to my DD she said, "And YOU are NOT invited! We are going to have so much fun!"

.

Wow. That girls mom must be a real pleasure to be around....NOT. What kind of parent would let their kid do that?

 

[skschlag]

I do have 2 thoughts on this. The first comes from being the mom of the kid who was never invited to parties. Even in preschool. only one party. ANd there were tons of parties. Fortunately, he didn't care then and doesn't care now. He truly believes that he and his besties are all that matter, and if others want to be rude then so be it. I have never made a big deal abotu any of it...we just went on about our business. Things like this have to let go of, or the fester and become a bigger deal than they should be!

The 2nd piece comes from the thought of parents wanting their kids to beat their teammates. Maybe we are a close team, but we are truly excited for boys that place higher than our kids. My son put it best at the young age of 7, and I will always remember it. We were talking about his first level 5 meet, and I was trying to let him know that it would be tougher than 4. I mentioned 3 of the kids on his team that he would be "competing against." his reply:

"oh no mom, we aren't competing against each other, we are competing with each other. Their my teammates!"

Will never forget that and I thank goodness that his coach has instilled that in his team!

 

[mOm2gymnast<3]

Oh man this sucks! my dd at school experienced this and tbh, I was sad and mad at the same time. Our school has a policy about bday parties. If you can't invite everyone, you cannot hand out invitations at school in front of other kids. The celebrant has to mail the invite to specific kids. So no hurt feelings. I think, gyms should do this as well. How could there be a team if 1 is left out?