WAG Why Are Parents the Enemy?

[gymmomx2]

why is there this need to be involved in your kid's lifes to such a huge degree? it is their life not your's. this is new, it was not a thing a generation ago. why is this? the world did not get more dangerous for kids, quite the opposite (at least here in europe, i don't know about the us). why do they _ and their coaches and teachers with them - need to be monitored all the time? give them space.

please excuse my perhaps very german bluntness. i do not mean to offend.

I'll butt out when they are adults, when they have had enough life experience and confidence to advocate for themselves effectively. Why would I NOT want to know what's going on with my children, especially when we are talking about KIDS???

Keep me appropriately informed and I'll be appropriately involved. Simple and doable since that's how it works at our gym. I have no complaints about how they handle communication with parents. They don't educate parents on the technical aspects of the sport but I don't expect them to either - I can do that for myself. They do a good job keeping me informed of overall plan, progress, changes in schedule, etc.

 

[kecks]

well, there is a big difference in between "wanting to know what is going on" in your kid's life and giving kids no space of their own aka not trusting your little one to be able to handle their own things in their own way or being too afraid of anything going "wrong" for them. independence and maturity are two sides of the same thing.

to put it another way: how on earth can one expext one's kids to gain "lilfe experience" if everything they get to experience is designed and monitored and carefully planned out in advance as far as possible? life is not like this.

 

[MILgymFAM]

I think that some gyms are just piss poor at communication. With the parents, with the gymnasts, and even internally. We've seen situations where staff doesn't know what's going on and are actively working against each other.

I couldn't agree more that clear guidelines and expectations are the best way to combat communication issues. We've had gyms with incredibly detailed handbooks, and ended up appreciating how everything was laid out for the finding.

On the other end of the spectrum, our current gym has no handbook, no contract, nothing formal at all. But.. they have complete accessibility. Any parent or athlete can talk to the hc as needed, and they know that he will absolutely take the time to answer their questions. He stops and personally has a short chat with every parent at least once a week, just to give an opening if needed.

Either way works out well. The only thing that doesn't seem to work is a code of silence where everyone is supposed to function optimally in the dark.

 

[gymmomx2]

well, there is a big difference in between "wanting to know what is going on" in your kid's life and giving kids no space of their own aka not trusting your little one to be able to handle their own things in their own way or being too afraid of anything going "wrong" for them. independence and maturity are two sides of the same thing.

to put it another way: how on earth can one expext one's kids to gain "lilfe experience" if everything they get to experience is designed and monitored and carefully planned out in advance as far as possible? life is not like this.

I'm not asking to design everything they are experiencing, I'm asking to be informed about what they are experiencing if it is something major. See the difference?

One mom at old gym was told at the end of the season that her daughter was being demoted (lower hour group) because because her DD wasn't serious enough at training. That was the first mom heard of any issues, she had no opportunity to address it with her DD and was totally blindsided. Not OK in my opinion.

 

[kecks]

why not? i really do not understand. this is between the kid and the coach. kid did not work hard enough, kid has to leave high hour group. logical consequence, great learning experience. if kid is above age 7 or so i do not see how the parent needs to be involved. unless you think changing groups hurts the kid in an important way - this is imo not the case unless we are talking elite training and the like when such a change in hours would be of serious consequences. but for a kid doing some gymnastics while it is young? what is the difference? why does it matter if is doing 12 hours or 16?

in other words: i think many parents shoud reevaluate what they consider to be of "major" imprtance in their kid's lifes. of major importance are a loving family, friends, fun, health, meaningful experiences and education. religion, too, if you guys are into that. adult's should have an adult's perspective imo and not try to copy their kid's perspective ("i have a drop in hours, the world is going to end!").

 

[wallinbl]

Parents can be both relaxed and involved. We do it at school. We do it in other sports. They are not mutually-exclusive.

Some do it, but most don't, even if they all think they do. Teachers are quitting all over the place because of how involved parents are and how little administrations are willing to get in the middle.

Soccer parents are ridiculous, and much like gymnastics, most of them never played, so they don't know as much as they think they do. I have parents coaching their kids from the sidelines constantly, and their instructions are downright terrible and usually detrimental to the team. They'll all tell you they don't do it, even though I can clearly see and hear them from the other side of the field. It's really lovely when you're running a drill to teach some tactic or strategy and little Suzy says "my dad says I should do it this way". If I'm lucky, I can simply ignore it and not have to say anything. If she keeps pressing, I'm having a game of telephone through a 12 year old girl over three or four practices as she tells her dad what I was trying to do, and comes back the next practice with a rebuttal from him. And guess what? He'll deny all of it, like kids say the darnedest things, don't they? Meanwhile, there are 18 girls on the team, and they're all being dragged down by dealing with the parents that are way too involved.

Your willingness as a coach to communicate and not dismiss the insight or curiosity of a parent would go a long way towards the parents being more of the former, and less of the latter.

I honestly think you're giving most parents too much credit. This isn't a commentary about you, or any individual poster here, but most parents will tell the coach they're fully supportive and turn right around and do and say whatever they choose.

At least with soccer, they're not endangering their kids' health by teaching them to do things the wrong way.

 

[wallinbl]

One mom at old gym was told at the end of the season that her daughter was being demoted (lower hour group) because because her DD wasn't serious enough at training. That was the first mom heard of any issues, she had no opportunity to address it with her DD and was totally blindsided. Not OK in my opinion.

The assumption there is that it's better for mom to get involved and do something to get the kid to work harder. In my observation as a gym parent and as a competitive soccer coach, it's not better when the parent gets in the middle of that. In some cases, if I told parents that, I'd be getting the kid in trouble at home and putting the kid through heck.

 

[mommyof1]

The assumption there is that it's better for mom to get involved and do something to get the kid to work harder. In my observation as a gym parent and as a competitive soccer coach, it's not better when the parent gets in the middle of that. In some cases, if I told parents that, I'd be getting the kid in trouble at home and putting the kid through heck.

A valid point, but if you are the parent of a kid who is motivated and hard-working and has the skills to move up but is being held back or pushed down to XCel for some reason, you need to know that ASAP so you can start exploring your options and rearranging your entire life and child care situation.

 

[BachFlyer]

well, there is a big difference in between "wanting to know what is going on" in your kid's life and giving kids no space of their own aka not trusting your little one to be able to handle their own things in their own way or being too afraid of anything going "wrong" for them. independence and maturity are two sides of the same thing.

to put it another way: how on earth can one expext one's kids to gain "lilfe experience" if everything they get to experience is designed and monitored and carefully planned out in advance as far as possible? life is not like this.

The OP didn't say anything about wanting to micro-manage their kid's life to the point of crippling dependence. Nor did I. Nor are most parents out there. No one is asking for permission to bombard the coach with questions ever meet, every score, every skill, every toe point. While some parents need to understand the difference, yes, but they are not the majority. They can be dealt with. And their kids are likely to burn out before the coach has to deal with them for too long anyway. I think what the OP and others are saying is that there is ZERO harm in wanting to know SOME things SOME times. Simply feeling like you have a partnership with your child's coach in something that they spend practically their whole life doing is not bad, or hindering their development as either a person or an athlete. The parent is an ally, or can be, if they are not made to feel like they should have zero part of the process besides dishing out cash. It's all about balance.

To the poster that said it's not the coach's job to educate the parents about the technicality of the sport - I agree mostly. Some parents want to know nothing, some want to know more, but as long as their gymnast understands the technicality of it, then the coach is doing their job. But if the coach shares nothing or next to nothing about the process, and their child is young or new to the sport, then a parent can't make informed decision as to whether or not the coach is doing their job and their kid is ok. For example, I know nothing about my other child's sport. We lingered for far too long at a facility that was not benefiting her well-being or her progress because I just didn't have enough information to make an informed decision. She is thriving in a new environment now, and I feel much more trust, because they don't make me feel like a Crazy Train for checking in and asking when I don't know, or bringing something (good or bad) to their attention. Another example: just because I want to understand and be somewhat involved in my kid's education doesn't mean I think I am their teacher, or I'm trying overthrow the principal. It doesn't mean that I don't trust their school, or that my kids will grow into adults that can't think for themselves, or that they are going to be cripplingly dependent on my wisdom forever. If my kids attended a school that made me feel like I should never inquire about anything (like many gyms) because they are omnipotent, we'd find a new school.

As kids get older, they can and should take more ownership over ALL aspects of their lives. It seems it's only gymnastics, though, that expects them to have the cognitive and emotional ability to do so the day they walk into the gym, just because they are physically capable of very difficult things.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

why not? i really do not understand. this is between the kid and the coach. kid did not work hard enough, kid has to leave high hour group. logical consequence, great learning experience. if kid is above age 7 or so i do not see how the parent needs to be involved. unless you think changing groups hurts the kid in an important way - this is imo not the case unless we are talking elite training and the like when such a change in hours would be of serious consequences. but for a kid doing some gymnastics while it is young? what is the difference? why does it matter if is doing 12 hours or 16?

I am all for natural consequences and life lessons. And I am by no means a helicopter parent.

And as a parent I want to be sure my child understands those consequences. I can't do that if I don't know. And that requires a periodic touch base.

Really if kids didn't need adult supervision, they would all have their own apartments at 10.

Lets take school. I don't need a daily rundown about how she is doing. But report card time shouldn't be the first time I am hearing she is having issues.
If she wasn't going up to the next level, the end of the school year shouldn't be the first time I am hearing about it. That is why we get mid quarter progress reports.

Same with gym. I don't need to hear from the coach how every practice went. What every tenth at a meet is a about. What every drill is designed for. Not my sport, I don't need to know. But if she is not progressing as expected. I want to know. If there have been negative changes in her effort. I want to know. I want to be sure everyone is on the same page. And I want to be especially sure my kid understands what those consequences are. But if you don't talk to me, I don't know and that doesn't go well with me. And then if she doesn't progress as expected it is a surprise to no one.

Again, do I need to hover and know every minute detail ? No

And no information at all? Not that either.

The truth is somewhere in the middle.

 

[gymmomx2]

I feel that it's my job as the parent to help shape my kids behaviour. I guess some disagree.

 

[LindyHopper]

Okay, I will admit that I have only read a few responses. But i wanted to post this before i forgot.

When Short Stack was L2, I went to the head of the developmental team. I asked her if there was a book or a website she could recommend so that I could learn about the sport, because I knew nothing (I am one of those research-oriented, trivia-loving kind of people). She basically told me that to learn all the names of complicated skills while Short Stack was in the lower levels wasn't needed and that years later her parents still called almost all skills "flippy thing".

Well, I continued with my search for info, and that was how I ended up on Chalkbucket. I have learned more about the sport here than any of her coaches would have had the time or inclination for.

Seriously, a coach could just mention this forum as a possible resource. And if the person is truly a CGP, I have no doubt the members here would call that parent out on it. But the parents who are really seeking information would have a place to find answers

Of course then coaches would keep hearing, "I was reading chalbucket and THEY said..." aie! Nevermind

 

[BachFlyer]

Although, I guess I have to agree that culturally, our generation of parents is much more helicopter-y than mine and it is detrimental. I was a child who's parents were totally hands off who came home when the street lights came on, I understand and completely value independence, my own and my kids. But that doesn't mean that I'm willing to blindly turn over the same ultimate authority to a coach, and I don't think my child should either. There is a line that needs to be actively walked ALL the time, so it just burns me up that coaches have painted ALL parents with the same brush.

 

[ladybird]

Of course then coaches would keep hearing, "I was reading chalbucket and THEY said..." aie! Nevermind

In my opinion this is the equivalent of going to the doctor and telling them what you read on WebMd, lol! I love CB as a resource and stopped short many times about telling dd's coach where I learned something!

 

[Mish]

I want to like @BachFlyer's post 100x. Also would like to add that a $400/month plus gazillion $ fees paying customer, should not feel like they cannot ask an occasional question related to where said money is going toward!!

 

[mommyof1]

Well, we have all seen in the news what happens when you keep parents completely out of the picture.

 

[BachFlyer]

In my opinion this is the equivalent of going to the doctor and telling them what you read on WebMd, lol! I love CB as a resource and stopped short many times about telling dd's coach where I learned something!

And on the flip side, a doctor telling you, "Your child has cancer, but we've got this. No need for questions, just bring her to the appointments and pay the bills. We have an understanding, yes?"

Okay, now I'm being dramatic

 

[twinmomma]

why not? i really do not understand. this is between the kid and the coach. kid did not work hard enough, kid has to leave high hour group. logical consequence, great learning experience. if kid is above age 7 or so i do not see how the parent needs to be involved. unless you think changing groups hurts the kid in an important way - this is imo not the case unless we are talking elite training and the like when such a change in hours would be of serious consequences. but for a kid doing some gymnastics while it is young? what is the difference? why does it matter if is doing 12 hours or 16?

in other words: i think many parents shoud reevaluate what they consider to be of "major" imprtance in their kid's lifes. of major importance are a loving family, friends, fun, health, meaningful experiences and education. religion, too, if you guys are into that. adult's should have an adult's perspective imo and not try to copy their kid's perspective ("i have a drop in hours, the world is going to end!").

Apparently my job with my kids ended four years ago. They should be working and voting by now right? No. Come on. 8 year olds do not have the life experience or mental maturity yet to be "on their own" with respect to stuff like this. Do you not get involved with your child's education? Why wouldn't you also get involved in your child's gym education?

Do you have kids?

 

[kayjaybe]

Apparently my job with my kids ended four years ago. They should be working and voting by now right? No. Come on. 8 year olds do not have the life experience or mental maturity yet to be "on their own" with respect to stuff like this. Do you not get involved with your child's education? Why wouldn't you also get involved in your child's gym education?

Do you have kids?

Totally agree. And I wonder if that kid was explicitly told that if you don't put forth effort, and here is specifically what we mean by that, you will be moved to a lower hours group. My guess is the child was not told that, or not told in a way and frequently enough for it to sink in to that child.

I think some proactive communication from the gym would actually REDUCE questions by the parents. Like when the levels changed a few years ago. We had kids that were old L6 that got moved back to new L5, because our gym wasn't doing L6. No communication to the parents except your kid was either going L5 or L7. Why no new L6, especially because we used to compete prep-op, which seemed very similar to new L6. So that prompted a ton of individual questions, upset kids, concerned parents, etc. Once parents forced a meeting with gym owner and head coach and the rationale of the gym was explained, most parents were fine with it. But a refusal to explain and an "if you don't like how we do things, go to another gym" attitude was completely unproductive.

 

[ladybird]

And on the flip side, a doctor telling you, "Your child has cancer, but we've got this. No need for questions, just bring her to the appointments and pay the bills. We have an understanding, yes?"

Okay, now I'm being dramatic

Spot on!