WAG Why Are Parents the Enemy?

[Deleted member 14190]

what Coachp said. but I also agree with Taucer that a lot of this can be avoided by providing good communication. An FAQ at the beginning of each season that is relevant to the gymnast's level/grouping, using specifics and generalizations: logistics of scheduling/payments/injuries/illness etc. these are the skills we will be working on. This is the typical time frame - some may learn faster, others slower. This is what will happen if she doesn't have all her skills by a certain time. This is what to expect at meets. this is what we expect of you and your gymnasts at meets. Judging often doesn't make sense even to the coaches at times ;-). No, it is not worth trying to it-pick a routine to figure out why she scored this. As coaches, we generally know what needs to be worked on and we are doing that at practice. No you shouldn't practice/coach at home and here is why. No you shouldn't badger your child about not getting a skill and here is why... you get the point. yes, praise your gymnast for her effort at practice and meets. It takes a lot of courage to get out there in a leo and perform these skills in front of an audience. You get the point.

I also think that coaches should have meetings with each parent (1-2x/yr) to discus progress and questions, even is there is an "open door" policy.

Keep in mind that some teams are very large and this is not possible. I have over 90 girls on team, thats 90 to 180 meetings a year! (just thew up in my mouth).

 

[ayyyrial]

My coach always said the worst part about her job was dealing with parents. We definitely had our fair share of hard-to-deal-with parents - parents who watch every 5-hour practice and stress their child out before meets, parents who don't make payment after payment, parents who are pushy with their child and with the coaches when it's clear to everyone else that the kid would rather not be doing gymnastics. But I think at the gym where I worked more recently, the relationships with parents were worse. The culture was different - parents (and some kids also) were more entitled and the gym was not very well managed, so communication was very difficult.

These were some of the issues that led to coaches not wanting to deal with parents:
*No time or method dedicated to parent/coach communication. I have 5 minutes between classes, I may or may not have time on any particular day to discuss your child's progress with you. If your child is in my last class of the day, you are lucky since I may be able to meet with you. We had no other way of communicating through the gym other than written status report sheets that unfortunately coaches also had no time to work on, especially in larger classes. I can't blame the parents for trying to reach out to me but it was a bad set-up.

*I had a relationship with the kid, not the parent(s). I had a good sense of each kid's personality, skills, and goals, so in most scenarios communicating directly with the student would be preferable. I think this is why you will hear coaches say things like "after a certain age, gymnastics is up to the gymnast, not the parent". I would communicate with parents about medical/behavioral problems, injuries/accidents, or if I thought the kid should be moved to a different class. Other than that I'd rather discuss things directly with the child if they're old enough. Of course sometimes kids are too shy to bring things up directly or don't know how to communicate it, in which case facilitation by the parent is helpful.

*Parents are sometimes out of step with the child's skills and goals. I've had a parent move a child who was NOT ready to the next class without consulting me (they can technically do this in our online class registration system, but most parents don't know that or don't try it). Another parent refused to move his child to a more age/developmentally-appropriate class since she was technically old enough for mine, but would have gotten more appropriate coaching and skill development in the younger class. Another time I had a kid who told me she didn't like gymnastics but her parents made her go, which I really don't understand the point of.

*Bad behavior parents: coaching from the sidelines, asserting (especially multiple times) that the child is ready to be moved up when they definitely aren't, letting siblings play on the equipment while they're waiting, parents playing on the equipment while they're waiting, parents who don't believe you when you discuss a behavior problem, parents who put children who aren't potty-trained into classes where that's required, parents who hit on you, parents who bring their badly-behaved dog to the gym, etc, etc. Of course not all parents are like this, but parents who initiate a lot of parent-coach interaction are more likely to be bad behavior parents.

*Sometimes, I didn't want to answer a parent's question just because I didn't like the answer I had to give. The gym I coached at had a pretty strict age limit for team. So when parents of an 8-year-old girl in Beginner 1 asked me about team, I had to explain our process for team selection, which begins at age 4 or 5 (maybe 6). I also didn't feel good about talking to parents whose kids would be moving to the team track, because I didn't like the way some of the main team coaches treated their gymnasts. That's why I don't work there anymore.

 

[Deleted member 14190]

I just hope this thread makes a few more good parents..... Because it really is the worst part of coaching... and I mean the worst....

 

[gymmomx2]

For the coaches...what is the % of bad gym parents you deal with?

 

[BachFlyer]

I really hope this thread makes some better coaches. Dealing with gym coaches is the worst part of parenting.

Just sayin'.

 

[twinmomma]

I hope this thread makes some better coaches. Dealing with gym coaches is the worst part of parenting.

Just sayin'.

<3

 

[Mish]

I just hope this thread makes a few more good parents..... Because it really is the worst part of coaching... and I mean the worst....

and hopefully a few more good communicators from the gyms, because that is really the worst part, and I mean the worst.

 

[wandrewsjr]

I really hope this thread makes some better coaches. Dealing with gym coaches is the worst part of parenting.

Just sayin'.

Except you can still be a parent without having your kid in gymnastics. Coaches can't be coaches without dealing with parents(unless we started an orphans only program).

 

[wallinbl]

and hopefully a few more good communicators from the gyms, because that is really the worst part, and I mean the worst.

There really isn't that much for a gym to communicate to a parent. Progress ebbs and flows; skills come and go; sometimes you make the next level, sometimes you don't. It's all normal. The gym only really needs to communicate when something is abnormal - kids aren't getting along with each other, a kid is getting too frustrated, a kid is doing something dangerous, the coach has some concerns outside the normal ups and downs, etc.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

Funny when having a coaches meeting last year, trying to understand why we were told L6 and she ended up back to L5, the coach first tried to tell me it was too complicated and it was like trying to understand all a doctor knows about say a condition you have.

And I told the yep I get I won't know all the details but just like the doctor I expect you to be able to tell me enough so I understand it. They did. L5 was the right spot for her we haven't needed a meeting in a year. But I am sure I will want a where are we at 15 mins or so this summer as well.

 

[twinmomma]

Just like if you're going to be a teacher, if you're going to be a coach, you are signing up to deal with parents. Just like signing my kid up for team means I have to deal with coaches. The difference is that there is an imbalance in who controls the information. Transparency is NOT a four-letter word, and it is absolutely acceptable that I want to be able to teach my kid how to deal with disappointment and in doing so I need you to PARTNER with me to be able to explain things to her. I have time and again told a coach I want to know what is going on at a high level so that I can REINFORCE your rules and expectations at home. I do not coach my kid, hell half the time I don't even talk to her after practice because she's hangry and nobody wants to talk to her. But if you're all of a sudden going to take my L7 trampolinist and tell her she's going to be an L6 next year and do that expecting her to just take it and deal without me having any context with which to not only help her deal with it but SUPPORT YOU in the decision, then I promise you it isn't going to be a fun conversation (or email) for you.

I count my blessings we have always had amazing and communicative coaches for DD. Her current coach does an amazing job of "she's doing great don't worry" and "this is what I need from her please reinforce that" that guess what? No CGMs on the team at all. Funny how that works. That's not to say that you can't have CGMs even with very communicative coaches, but I guarantee there's less of it with coaches who are transparent in how things operate.

 

[Learning Parent GB]

https://wendybrucemartin.com/2017/03/20/the-cult-culture-of-gymnastics/

I think a bit of general communication every now and then helps to address the dangerous environment that can build in our sport from both parents and coaches. I know of no other sport where a coach won't even smile at parents at the end of a session and say casually 'they've had a good session today'. I know there are differences between sports, but from my experience the ones where parents are just seen as parents and not the enemy tend to be the ones where the children are happier, and the parents ask less questions.

 

[GymDad9.9]

I'm curious...if dealing with parents is the worst part of the job, do coaches get training to handle that responsibility better?

 

[gymmomx2]

Progress ebbs and flows; skills come and go; sometimes you make the next level, sometimes you don't. It's all normal.

Have you told the parents this, have you explained to them the process of gymnastics? Don't just assume that they know. Communicate with parents well when they start out and you'll save yourself a lot of issues down the road.

Our gym communicates well and I don't know of any CGM at our gym. Coincidence? Maybe not

 

[skschlag]

I agree. I think the majority of parents will be happy with just the knowledge that communication is open. I know for me that is huge. That makes me trust them more, if I know I can talk. ALso knowing some of the gym's philosophy helps a ton!

 

[Deleted member 18037]

I'm curious...if dealing with parents is the worst part of the job, do coaches get training to handle that responsibility better?

No, I don't think so.

I don't even teachers get that kind of formal type training.

 

[l.c.o]

I'm in the middle. Most things, I don't want to know. Event at my DS's school, I no longer check in. We get weekly emails. Teacher touches on what math unit they're on, including what they've wrapped up and what they're starting next. I hear about the bigger projects and test dates. I know what the general focus is in ELA.

What I don't learn is whether my DS is in the highest math group, or if he's keeping up in reading. Those things, I assume, I would learn as needed. But it's so stress free! I love that communication.

I do not have the same level of expectations out of gym. But occasional general updates would be nice. I don't need to hear my kid is struggling on X but good at Y. It's stressful to be that involved, and my kid already knows. If she's slacking, I trust coaches to handle it, and only come to me if it's an ongoing problem (as then it's likely a symptom of something going askew). Anyway, I have zero real knowledge of this sport, and no control over her at practice, so it's on her, anyway.

Just tell me what level you'll think she'll be before I'd have to pay for any level-specific meets. Please? And maybe tell me, and not just my kid, cause I'm just gonna email you to confirm it before booking any flights, k?

 

[2G1B]

I have had a few interactions with coaches/gyms that left a bad taste in my mouth and I wish that they would be more open to seeing that in general it would be better if they would learn to work WITH the parents instead of pretty much against. One of the worst I had was all season being told that the entire team was doing well, that they all would most likely be moving up to the next level, they were all ready (told to me personally and to the parents as a group). Then one day practice ends and the coaches hand the girls letters, that they allow the girls to open right there. Luckily I grab my kid's letter before she reads it and say that we will read it in the car (I don't know what made me to that; but so glad I did). I get in the car, read the letter. My kid is repeating a level that she is more than proficient at and isn't even a required level (L3). I know, from what the girls who were reading the letters in the gym, that most of the kids are moving up, even some that my kid has placed higher than. I have a meeting the next week to talk to the gym and the first thing I said was that I didn't think it was handled well, that in that situation it seems it would be better to reach out to parents of kids who are not getting good news first and let them know the reasons and plan before handing the kid a letter like that. The next year they handled it a little differently... a form e-mail sent to all kids' parents. This e-mail was sent to all girls for each level, each one saying, "Congratulations, your kid has been selected to compete at X level next year. Here is a list of her team." This exact letter was sent to the parents of kids who were repeating and kids who were moving up. Again... they should have contacted the parents of kids repeating separately and explained their reasoning.

Another situation I had was a DD doing Xcel. All season the coach suggests to my DD that she do an easier skill than what DD is wanting to do (that she can safely do, just that something else would score better since she isn't doing this skill *perfect* and she would score better with a different skill that she has cleaner). My stubborn child is digging her heals in. I talk to my kid through the season and suggest that she should listen to the coach and at least TRY the other skill in her routine at practice to see how it went. When my DD finally goes in and says, "Coach, my mom convinced me that I should try X skill instead of Y skill." coach starts yelling at my kid, "THAT is a coaching decision! That is NOT a decision for your mom to make and she has no business talking to you about it!!!" Well, except that coach had told me that she wished DD would try this other skill. Coach had told me that DD was being stubborn. So I try to encourage my kid to do what coach suggests and now coach is yelling at my kid and pissed at me. Yeah. OK. That makes sense.

So sure, us parents can take from you coaches a lesson in trying not to be overly involved in what our kids are doing, we should (and I do) try to stay out of fears and normal training stuff... maybe sometimes you should take some advice from us too (in situation 1) and you should realize that sometimes us parents know our kids and know how to help them realize when they are doing things that aren't in their best interest (my kid digging her heals in) and you should stop always assuming the worst with parents.

 

[Learning Parent GB]

I agree. I think the majority of parents will be happy with just the knowledge that communication is open. I know for me that is huge. That makes me trust them more, if I know I can talk. ALso knowing some of the gym's philosophy helps a ton!

Now having sat through a 90 minute presentation on the philosophy behind a particular soccer school training and team selection plan, I can tell you that you can have TOO much information ;-) But the first 15 minutes were really quite insightful. :-D

 

[skschlag]

Now having sat through a 90 minute presentation on the philosophy behind a particular soccer school training and team selection plan, I can tell you that you can have TOO much information ;-) But the first 15 minutes were really quite insightful. :-D

Yeah. I just want the gist...not the whole thing