Parents When one of those kind of gym moms is your friend

[NGL780309]

We've all discussed the crazy gym parents who make ugly comments and how to deal with them, but what if they are one of your friends and they are talking about your child?

I have a friend at DD's gym who reacted rather ugly at the meet. To give some history our DD's were at the same gym to start. They left to go to the current gym when their DD was not moved to L4 at the old gym and my DD was. At that time she said some ugly things to me like, "Your DD isn't better than mine so it doesn't make sense. It's not fair, they are just playing favorites. Your DD is getting an unfair advantage." etc. I understood why they were upset because I honestly don't know why they picked my DD over hers and encouraged them to find a gym that would let her do L4. I maintained the friendship and now we followed them to our current gym where they have been nothing but nice and welcoming.

So at the meet on Saturday her DD didn't score as well. They aren't even in the same age division, but I guess it bothered this mom. First on floor when DD scored about 1 point better she was kind of like that doesn't make sense. Your DD is getting cute points. On vault my DD went first and scored a 9.0. She commented that this was her DD's one chance to get over a 9.0. Well she only scored an 8.7. The mom actually started crying. Seriously. She asked me how it was possible that my DD outscored her on vault. I knew the answer, but thought it wouldn't be taken well. Her DD has a big vault, but she pikes. On to bars where DD fell and still scored .8 more. The mom was really upset at that point and said she was done. The scoring wasn't fair etc. I just told her I wasn't sure, but she should ask the coach what her DD's deductions were.

I know there's nothing I can do about this. She really is a nice person, she just doesn't understand gymnastics scoring. Do I ignore her and just avoid sitting by her at a meet again even though I generally really like her? Or do I give her a lesson in gymnastics socring? Would it be taken rudely for me to tell her, "By the way I can tell you why she's only scoring an 8 on bars without a fall. Her legs are bent and apart in every skill, she doesn't cast after her FHC, she doesn't show support after her shoot through or before and after her mill circle, she hooks her leg, her back hip circle is piked and she has no real dismount." I'm thinking it's probably better to just keep my mouth shut. What do you think?

 

[ejgymmom]

I have no meet experience at all and probably know as much about scoring as your friend, but she would totally stress me out if I had to sit with her and she'd probably keep me from enjoying the meet. Hopefully the coach will be able to explain the deductions to her so that she has a better understanding. It would probably be better if the explanation came from the coach rather than from you. It's not fair to you or even to her daughter for her to compare her daughter to yours. I don't know what I'd do in your situation though. Maybe at the next meet you can attempt to avoid her and just pretend you don't see her?? Or take a bunch of other friends and family with you next time and surround yourself with them so you don't have to sit close to her? :-/ Good luck! That's a tough situation.

 

[cher062]

I would let the coaches handle this. About the only thing I would say is what you have said already - Talk to the coaches to see where she is getting the deductions. After so many years at this I've learned to just tune out to "those parents" that act that way. just don't sit next to her at meet if it bothers you. I try not to get caught up in the drama or politics if I can but sometimes it's just forced into your face and you just have to speak up.

 

[emorymom]

If you can, stay her friend. Remember that these misdirected attacks are not really about you or your daughter but about something going on in her life -- causing fear or pain. If she's acting like that she probably needs a friend right now. She needs to stop too, but she needs a friend. What could be causing her to give scores at a meet such importance? Is she worried that her daughter is going to be the only one not qualifying for the state meet? Or that she is going to be asked to repeate the level? Is something else going badly wrong (layoffs, separations, etc) and she's hoping her daughter's gym will be one of her works that is a success to counterbalance perceived failures?

 

[Bajanswife]

The coaches are always telling the girls that bad form will lose out every time, even to those with good form who may make a serious mistake like a fall. That's because form deductions are taken every single time they are seen, whereas a fall happens only once. Accumulated form deductions can result in a much lower score than a single major mistake can. I wouldn't tell her all this, but I might summarize it in a light-hearted sentence, with a smile, and play down your own knowledge a bit. Basically, I would just try to get across the notion that many of the deductions are things that the average mom can't really see, but that the judges and coaches can, and if she wants to know specifically what those are for her DD she should talk to the coach. She sounds way too invested - she's going to drive herself crazy soon!

 

[lhmom]

This woman sounds like she's way too emotionally invested in her daughter's gymnastics. It is the compulsory level, not elites! I probably would say first what others have mentioned: "maybe you need to talk to the coaches". If she insists on continuing the comments, I would probably say that "I want to be supportive, but saying these things about my daughter is upsetting to me". Competitive gymnastics has been brand new to me. I never competed and have no clue, although I am still learning. But I've been lucky. Some of the more experienced parents have helped me learn what the judges are looking for. I hope you two can come to an understanding-sounds like you want to be supportive. Good luck!

 

[MaryA]

Yes, definitely too emotionally invested in her dd's gymnastics! Obviously she needs a friend, but for your own sanity, it might be ideal if you found somewhere else to sit during the next meet. I mean, for her to be upset about her dd's scores is one thing, (though I remember a recent thread from a mom whose dd got a zero on vault because of a supposed "touch" when one obviously didn't happen, and she was taking it with a lot more grace than this mom!) but for her to make it into a competition between your daughter and hers is, in my opinion, pushing the boundaries of friendship, and even pushing the boundaries of acting like a semi-polite grown-up. Implying that your daughter scored higher because she's cute and not because she's talented is really beyond the pale, if you ask me. I think this was the type of person someone had in mind when they first said, "With friends like those, who needs enemies?"

 

[Coacharella]

It would probably be best not to point out the actual reasons her daughter is scoring low. This Mom sounds overly invested in her daughter's gymnastics and may percieve this as an attack on her daughter's performance and will probably find it offensive to her as well. She will almost likely come back with a response, starting a debate you probably don't even want to have.

Playing "dumb" my work.. questions like "Have you asked the coaches?" , or "Maybe the coaches could explain to you..."

Sorry to hear this and good luck

 

[Ingwe]

I am sorry that this is happening. I know how difficult this type of situation can be. I will say that I have been there and if I learned anything it is to just keep quiet. If you really like her and want to continue being friends then I would just say, "I have no idea why the scores are what they are, I am sure if you talked to the coach they would be happy to explain the scoring and where the deductions are coming from"

I didn't do this and I learned rather quickly that when someone asks why their Dd is getting certain scores and you answer honestly, they really don't want to hear it. Rookie mistake on my part a few years ago.

 

[NGL780309]

I figured my first instinct of keeping my mouth shut was the right one. I found her behavior so crazy that I just had to share, but when I think about it I'm not really that bothered by it. Maybe that sounds strange, but I didn't take it as a personal attack against me or my DD. I also have to add that she often says great things about my DD to me. She even later said she couldn't believe what a great first meet my DD had.

I think part of the upset might be that she just truly doesn't understand and she thinks some injustice is being done to her DD. Like the judges just don't like her or whatever. Gymnastics judging can be difficult to understand and those little things add up to so much as someone pointed out.

This meet was just an invitational and completely doesn't matter so I don't know why she was so upset. The season is over and her DD is already repeating L4 for sure next fall because she never scored high enough. Nothing was at stake here. I guess the thing I found shocking was that many people probably have these thoughts, but most people don't say them.

 

[my4buffaloes]

I try to sit by myself at meets. There is 1 woman I have hit it off with and I have sat with her a couple of times and it has been nice, but really you just can never tell. I just prefer to sit by myself. I don't want to know what the other moms think and I am not going to get sucked into talking about it. It is just easier this way. personally I would try to avoid her at meets and direct all questions to the coaches. I might be tempted to ask her why SHE is so upset by her dd's scores though, but that is just me.
Jennifer

 

[3rd_time_around]

I
This meet was just an invitational and completely doesn't matter so I don't know why she was so upset. The season is over and her DD is already repeating L4 for sure next fall because she never scored high enough. Nothing was at stake here. I guess the thing I found shocking was that many people probably have these thoughts,

but most people don't say them

.

I thought the same thing. I was at a meet where one of the team girls did her fx, got a decent score; her teammate went next and (I thought) did a better routine, but the score was lower. I THOUGHT "hmm, that one was better." The second girl's mom, however, who obviously thought the same as I did, SAID "WHAT!?? That was better than the last routine." The hair stood up on my neck!!! I couldn't believe she actually said that OUTLOUD!! The first mom said, "Thanks a lot, that was MY child." I decided it was time to go home.

 

[MaryA]

Yes, I guess I figure that, unless I'm a trained coach, I am in no place to say anything. (Actually, this just happened with vault and what I did was get on this site and ask "What might the judges have been looking for that they didn't see" and got a lot of really helpful answers... I have a clearer concept of the basic handspring vault now!) Even judges are human and are going to have inconsistancies. You gotta figure that sometimes the inconsistancies will favor your child and sometimes they'll favor someone else's and that's just part of the game. And yes, whatever you say OUT LOUD, you have to ASSUME that the child you are referring to has a loved-one sitting near you... nice comments only! These are CHILDREN we're talking about here... not race horses or show dogs!

 

[NGL780309]

I talked quite a bit to this gym mom yesterday and while I didn't directly bring up the meet, I think maybe she understood from our conversation that I'm not an ultracompetitive mom and don't like parents who are. I'm interested in my child making progress and doing her best, not how she compares to her teammate. I'd be a liar if I said I don't feel proud of her when she shines, but it has nothing to do with comparing her to anyone else. I also understood from talking to her that it was hard for her to watch my DD get a score at her very first meet that her DD was striving for all season and never achieved. She mentioned that it seems like everything comes so easy for my DD and she hasn't really had to work to get anything. In the mother's eyes my DD just walked into her first meet and scored pretty high and it all seemed to easy for her. I don't agree with that at all. It might have been her first meet, but it's not like she hasn't been working hard on these routines for almost a year. In all we had a really good conversation and I'll try sitting with her again.

 

[lhmom]

It sounds like you guys worked things out which I know you really wanted. That's great news!